Take Two....

Thanks for the suggestions Korrie. I do have an adult colouring book actually that I could get into.
And LaMa, that's a good idea too. Step Exercises might be fun. Don't have a step thing but I am sure I could fashion one out of something. And by they way that quote I mentioned on your diary LaMa was what helped me get out for a walk this morning instead of going and buying a treadmill (which I didn't really have the money for). I figured if I already went through the bother of doing the action of walking yesterday then I could just acknowledge that I wanted to go for a walk today (motivation after action) so I did.
On a side note, has anyone else had issues with exercise when you want to go for a walk but are too nervous to actually achieve it? Did anyone work out what was happening for them to have that fear?

Anyway, this afternoon hasn't been too bad. Has some more issues with boundaries and my mum but I am hoping they will sort itself out as I progress with this journey and gain confidence in knowing it's alright to say no to people. Haven't over eaten today either so that's good considering how awful I felt when I woke.
 
Eating a healthy amount of calories is a real achievement when you're feeling crappy. And doing things for yourself might help to reinforce the idea (actually a hard reality) that you are a person worth doing things for. And a person worth doing things for is someone who'll still be a good person when they DON'T jump whenever someone else wants something. I think it's great that you try to help your mom through this hard time but it's also really important to keep an eye on how much you can actually do for other people without neglecting your own needs. So go you!
I don't think I quite understand what you mean with the nervousness before your walk. I sometimes fear, before working out, that I won't be able to do as well as I feel I ought and end up doing nothing instead of disappointing myself (which, in itself, disappoints me). And sometimes I lack the activation energy to get up and just GO, even though I planned to and have the time. Putting it off can definitely make me so nervous I end up deciding I won't go at all to get rid of the tension. And then there's the nervousness of "people might look at me and think/say nasty things if I dare to exist in public without being perfect". That's also been known to keep me at home, especially after a binge when my belly was swollen. Anything like that?
There are plenty of step routines which work well without stepping up onto anything, by the way, I'm sure you can find examples on Youtube to get started with.
 
Day 4

Today I don't feel as though I really care about anything much. I guess that's where I need to be extra diligent to make sure I don't fall off track. I am usually excited for my work and today it's like, ah, who cares. And eating right or exercising is also the same. That's why I forced myself to jump on here and write about how I am going. To share and have the apathy burden hopefully lifted a little and I think it's worked to a degree.

Sometimes I get so nervous about what I am supposed to do in life that I end up getting frozen. I don't know which way to turn or what to do. I think it's a kick back from trying to please major care givers of mine from childhood and today that feeling is just floating under the surface. When I was little it didn't matter what I did to please those major care givers it was never enough so I would get petrified and freeze, not really knowing what to do.

I will try to have a good day in-spite of feeling nervous and frozen and I will report back later. I really hope everyone has a good day/night wherever you may be. :)
 
LaMaria said:
Eating a healthy amount of calories is a real achievement when you're feeling crappy. And doing things for yourself might help to reinforce the idea (actually a hard reality) that you are a person worth doing things for. And a person worth doing things for is someone who'll still be a good person when they DON'T jump whenever someone else wants something. I think it's great that you try to help your mom through this hard time but it's also really important to keep an eye on how much you can actually do for other people without neglecting your own needs. So go you!
I don't think I quite understand what you mean with the nervousness before your walk. I sometimes fear, before working out, that I won't be able to do as well as I feel I ought and end up doing nothing instead of disappointing myself (which, in itself, disappoints me). And sometimes I lack the activation energy to get up and just GO, even though I planned to and have the time. Putting it off can definitely make me so nervous I end up deciding I won't go at all to get rid of the tension. And then there's the nervousness of "people might look at me and think/say nasty things if I dare to exist in public without being perfect". That's also been known to keep me at home, especially after a binge when my belly was swollen. Anything like that?
There are plenty of step routines which work well without stepping up onto anything, by the way, I'm sure you can find examples on Youtube to get started with.
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Hey LaMa,
I was just writing in my diary and realised that the nervous feeling I was trying to describe was about me not knowing if I am making the right choice. I know that sounds silly as how could exercising ever be the wrong choice but I just realised that when I was little I was asked to make all kinds of decisions regarding my life as I had little help from adults but if I didn't do something right in their eyes I would get in trouble. It was a tough thing for a little kid to take but I realised while writing my diary this morning that it was the same feeling. The feeling of...is this right? Am I going to get in trouble? It's like I get triggered into that fear sometimes...anyway, sorry for the overshare, just happy I realised another piece of the puzzle.
 
Hi Florence. I just caught up with your diary again. You have had a lot to cope with and it is natural to feel overwhelmed at times. None of us are superhuman & we should not be expected to be. I have also hated "getting into trouble"and have tried to please everybody. I'm still doing it. Honey, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. Trust your instincts. Do what you can to feel to be as healthy as you can. Nurture yourself. Sending you a great big hug. Each of us has lost a parent. It is never easy. Sending you lots and lots of love, xoxo Cate
 
I know the feeling - though not from childhood. It´s hard to trust your instincts if they´ve been shot down consistently for a long time but I think (hope) I´m relearning.
 
Day 5

Feeling pretty sick today. I have lost a little more weight and it's making me nervous.
As I have mentioned before, I use my weight as a method of protection and I think I am feeling very sick that I am actually achieving my goal. I am having emotional stuff come up as my weight is being dealt with so I think all together the anxiety it's creating is making me feel quite sick.

I guess the best move is to work out what exactly I am nervous about, not just that my protection is going but what do I think I'm protecting myself from? Food for thought....ha, no pun intended.

I hope all are going well today. x
 
Not going to well today. Forcing myself to check-in so it takes my mind of life....sometimes it's just very hard to juggle life and family relationships. :confused:
Went to the movies yesterday and didn't do too badly with food. I even managed to lose a little more weight which is lovely. A bit down today though because it seems to be pick on Florence day. Hoping it will be better tomorrow.

I'm sure I have lots more to say, just can't muster the energy.
 
Hi Florence, I know it's hard mentally to lose weight when you see weight as protection. Maybe you could consider getting into some kind of martial art while getting fit? It might make you feel more empowered.
 
Thanks LaMa and Julie,

Feeling a bit better today. I did end up overeating last night but no where near as badly as I would have in the past. It actually made me feel a bit sick. The comforting food isn't making me feel as well protected as before....didn't stop me trying though. :)

I have thought about some sort of protection class Julie, and might revisit the idea. My issue was that I thought I was too overweight to join one. I have this image of lots of strong women all bouncing around throwing each other through the air. That's my imagination for you.

On a positive note, I still lost a smidgen of weight from yesterday so that's good and if I don't get out for a walk I manage to do some step at home which is really fun.

The other challenge I am noticing for me is to get myself out of down moods. My hubby called me out on something that was probably justified in truth but it got my mood down, hence the eating I guess last night.
Now that I am writing this I am wondering if there isn't a little bit of pride sitting with me. Pride that I don't want to let a tiny issue drop so I can feel justified. I guess I don't like being shown up. It embarrasses me and shames me.

Now that I am writing this I guess it's about criticism and I don't really know how to deal with criticism. I guess me feeling shamed means I immediately associate criticism with being fundamentally wrong...that I am wrong as opposed to my action being wrong. No wonder it's hard for me to bounce back from that. The numb, frozen feeling sits with me and I don't know what to do next. I guess that's where a good routine will help me. I know I always do some exercise in the morning, so I can go do that or I always listen to my bible app in the mornings, so I can go do that. I write on here in the mornings, so I am doing it. So a good lesson learnt, if I feel frozen and don't know what to do I can come back to the basics and just do them.
 
Oh honey, you are sure going through a rough patch. :grouphug: I don't cope well with criticism either & I know it's a failing. I feel things very strongly. Going back to basics & doing the things that you know will make you feel better is good thinking. Sending you lots of love xoxo Cate
 
Hi Florence, your description cracked me up ( and in some cases it is very close to the truth haha). I definitely dont think you are too overweight to do a class. I've done bjj in the past and can say the places I've gone have all prided themselves on being inclusive of all fitness levels. And the good thing is, if they are strong women they will be able to easily throw you around too;)
 
Seem to be struggling again tonight...really don't know why actually. I sometimes wish more than anything I really knew what triggered me. Some triggers are obvious, like someone being rude etc, but others like now are not.
I have eaten 3 small treats. I did manage to stop myself after that by eating a mandarin. The fruit seemed to stop the express train to binge village but the nerves are still on the surface of my tummy, like butterflies.
If anyone has any bright ideas on how to identify triggers I am all ears. No suggestion to small...feels like an advert, haha :)
 
Korrie said:
You listen to your Bible while working out?? How cool!
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Not while working out but that's not a bad idea actually. I tend to listen to the bible app when I do some relaxation of adult colouring books. I actually started it because I wanted to read the bible all the way through and I was never achieving it so I thought why not listen the whole way through. I always feel calmer for it. :)
 
That's really cool:) I just committed myself to reading the whole Bible about a month ago. So far I've read from Matthew through Acts, start Romans today.
 
Woke up happy this morning which was really nice. I had a good walk but then my hubby and I got into a bit of an argument and I have felt drained for the rest of the day.
I am beginning to realise that some of my anxiety comes from trying to fix things for people and the truth is no one can fix anything for anyone else. I can definitely help someone where possible but I can't actually fix things for them. Just another lesson I seem to be learning on this weight loss journey of mine.
While I can see that in it's simplest form. Weight gain is about eating too much compared with too little expenditure. I think however that there is so much more to the weight we put around ourselves. I am realising it is such a complicated journey and that the simple idea of weight loss only helps once other stuff is getting worked through...well this seems true for me at any rate.

Early to bed for me I think :)
 
That's why ANY weight loss program can work )as long as you stick to it) and most countries are still getting fatter every year. That wouldn't happen if food was only a vehicle for calories and building material. If we don't find out what we're trying to silence or satisfy with that tub of choc ice cream and find other ways to soothe/comfort/reward/enjoy ourselves we WILL find the end of our willpower and we will regain the weight.
 
Most of my stress comes from trying to sort out other people's problems. When we realise we can't fix the world life gets a lot easier. You do what you can. I never stop learning (and making mistakes). We are mere mortals.
Keeping a fat layer might feel like protection against the world, but it's a false shield & shortens our lives & our potential to really enjoy life.
We should give ourselves the best chance to live a fulfilled & happy life & I think that is what most of us are trying to do, xo Cate
 
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