Your weight/body and sex

lilacdawn said:
Yeah I don't think he is seeing someone else. I am not and I am not having sex with someone else. I would say that after I became pregnant he got weird about me being a mom, and being a sexual being.

I didn't marry him thinking I could change him. When we got married we were still having regular, albeit mediocre, sex. The lack of communication comes in when I want to discuss this problem and he acts like it's not a problem. That is part of the problem!! lol.
Click to expand...
OH I definately UNDERSTAND the ANGER that COMES from them NOT WANTING to DEAL with the ISSUES at HAND and pretending that YOU ARE THE CRAZY one ALWAYS wanting to talk about things that REALLY AREN"T THERE....GRRRR!!! :boxing:IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!....LET"S JUST ADDRESS THE ISSUE, right?!?...but if they DON"T as WELL then how can we get to a SOLUTION, RIGHT?! :mad:....ANGRY I tell YOU....LOL!
 
Why Ever Would You Marry Someone Who Only Gave You A Mediocre Sexin. Shit Im About To Ask My Current Girlfriend To Marry Me. In The Past 3 Weeks Weve Had Some Flat Out Hardcore Porn Sex, With Some Majorly Freaky Shit Like 25 Times. Sex Is Very Important. You Should Be With Someone Who Has Your Same Sexual Desires Or You Will Never Be Happy. Sorry To Say.
 
BIG_CHEESE said:
Why Ever Would You Marry Someone Who Only Gave You A Mediocre Sexin. Shit Im About To Ask My Current Girlfriend To Marry Me. In The Past 3 Weeks Weve Had Some Flat Out Hardcore Porn Sex, With Some Majorly Freaky Shit Like 25 Times. Sex Is Very Important. You Should Be With Someone Who Has Your Same Sexual Desires Or You Will Never Be Happy. Sorry To Say.
Click to expand...


And i bet she likes you sharing that information with strangers.
 
makes your comment about buttsecks eslewhere very appropriate :)

but can we please keep in mind that this is not an adults only forum so keep the conversation age appropriate please...
 
I have a couple things to offer to this, but let me start by saying this is only my opinion.

I understand this issue and have a similar one- except we communicate very well and sex, when we have it, is amazing. Unlike what society says most couples are like, I am the one that wants it all the time, he doesn't. We've talked it over (because I think it's a problem, he doesn't). He gives his reasons for why he thinks he doesn't want it (stress, tired, bad day, etc), I give my reasons why I think he doesn't want me, because that's how I see it (I'm too fat, he doesn't find me attractive, I'm not any good, etc.).

The thing is, it's probably something in the middle and also completely different. We had tons of sex when we first got together, but life got busy and stressful, and sex slowed down (see his reasons for lack of sex)... At that point I started pointing out that it slowed down - and then it slowed down more.

People tend to behave how you tell them they behave - meaning compliments get you farther than complaints. The more I tell my DH that we don't have enough sex, the more he feels pressure to have sex and then feels like it's a chore. And then even when we do have sex, I end up feeling like he only had sex with me because he wants to make me happy. And thats when it starts becoming mediocre. I don't find enjoyment in something that I feel he's doing as a chore. He doesn't find enjoyment knowing I'm not happy.

I've decided that for the next six months I'm not going to say anything demeaning about our sex life - no comments about how we don't have it enough, no comments about how he doesn't initiate it enough, no sarcastic remarks, no verbal thoughts of him not wanting me. I'm going to try to give him what he needs. I've told him what I need enough, and he knows what I need. I can't make him give me what I need, but I can give him what he needs - which is not sarcastic remarks or complaints.

Maybe stop looking at what you're not getting and refocus on him - after all, that's what new relationships do - in a new relationship you want to make the other person as happy as possible so they like you more... Sometime in between "new" and "committed" we start looking towards our own happiness instead.

Like I said, my opinions. Obviously I don't know the whole story or what you've tried or not... Just thought it might help to let you know you're not the only one with sex problems. I think the sexual part of a relationship is extremely important, but I agree with a few other people here though - get the communication issues sorted out first.
 
lilacdawn said:
Yeah I don't think he is seeing someone else. I am not and I am not having sex with someone else. I would say that after I became pregnant he got weird about me being a mom, and being a sexual being.

I didn't marry him thinking I could change him. When we got married we were still having regular, albeit mediocre, sex. The lack of communication comes in when I want to discuss this problem and he acts like it's not a problem. That is part of the problem!! lol.
Click to expand...

Hey, this was exactly the problem with my ex-boyfriend. We were together for three years or so, living together for most of those years.

We were/are the best of friends, and our sex lives never matched up.

Because I gained weight in that relationship (as did he), I thought it was a weight thing and I tried to lose weight, we went vegetarian, I signed up at the gym, I tried to talk to him to find out why he didn't want to have sex with me as often, it kind of sounds like a lot of what you are going through.

He also didn't think it was a big deal. But it was a big deal to me.

At the end of the day, we broke up because we were great and awesome friends. We had a great time together, but the sexual and passionate side just didn't exist between us.

It wasn't my body, it wasn't his body, it wasn't stress or medication or anything else -- it was simply that we weren't matched in that way.

You are married to him and you need to talk to him -- you need to tell him it's an issue for you, even if he doesn't think it's a problem. And that you would like to go into counseling, especially because the two of you don't communicate very well.

Maybe his sex drive is low -- there are plenty of people out there who are comfortable having sex infrequently. But you not only need to find out what's going on in his mind and his body (if it's a physiological thing), but you also need to find out if this is going to be the way it is for the rest of your lives.

And you need to also consider what are YOUR options if nothing changes? Would you want to have an open marriage? How important is sex for you? Can you NOT resent him for not wanting more? Etc.

Jokingly my current boyfriend (who knows I'm on my weight-loss journey) said that if I lost weight, he'd have more sex with me. We'll see about that. I think we're both pretty satisfied with the frequency and amount we're getting.
 
I dated a guy who didn't want to have sex and it really beat down on my self esteem. Then I separated myself from him and started hanging out with one of his ex-girlfriends who told me that she had the same problem with him (and I think she's pretty bangin'). Now, I hate to say this... but... maybe he's gay?

At least that's what my friend and I think of this boy. Just know that HE is the one with the issues. Not you. Don't let it beat your self esteem!!!!
 
bettie3351 said:
I dated a guy who didn't want to have sex and it really beat down on my self esteem. Then I separated myself from him and started hanging out with one of his ex-girlfriends who told me that she had the same problem with him (and I think she's pretty bangin'). Now, I hate to say this... but... maybe he's gay?

At least that's what my friend and I think of this boy. Just know that HE is the one with the issues. Not you. Don't let it beat your self esteem!!!!
Click to expand...

what are wrong with these guys.........
 
wow.. I thought I was the only one with this type of problem. I thought there was something wrong with me.

We go through life believing that the "guy" always wants sex but I was the one always wanting more in my relationships. So I really thought there was something wrong with ME. Now I see that a lot of women aren't getting as much sex as they'd like and that maybe what society teaches us is wrong. It's the girls that aren't getting enough!

It caused a big strain in our relationship last year.. and I completely agree with what emmaceleste said. The more I badgered him about it, the worse it got. We had less sex and more arguments. When I finally let it be and didn't talk about it, we were having sex a LOT more..

Good luck with everything :)
 
All of the young guys in here who have had no real relationship experience are giving horse shit advice about how your husband is cheating on you/isn't attacted to you.

The fact of the matter is, without knowing the guy, there seems to be a deep mental issue going on. Sometimes people will cut off contact with their spouse as a defense-mechanism related to a childhood trama.

For example, if your mother deserts you or you get fired from work your brain will go to extra lengths to stay non-intimate with other people as a defense. The rationale is that if you do not have to depend on others for love, you will not get burned by loss.

That's just one small example of many posibilities. I would not chop it up to something so simple as he is just cheating or isn't attracted to you or is too tired. Those are shallow and unlikely answers.
 
I agree with Brat - I think a lot of the issues come from society telling us that all men want sex 99% of the time. Maybe it's because guys do talk about it more - and because they are told they should want it 99% of the time, even the ones that don't actually want it all the time say they do.

HealthyEating- you're right too. There could be hundreds of issues that cause this. Health issues, mental issues, or just low sex drive (which isn't a problem in itself, unless it interferes in a relationship - but then it's the mix between one having a low sex drive and one having a high sex drive).

I think the main thing to take away is that this is a problem between both of you, not about either one of you. Talk to eachother - but don't badger. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with him or with you. It's taken me a long time to get to this conclusion (I've been dealing with this for about 3 years feeling like it is something wrong with me). And although I tend to think I need to make him understand how much it bothers me, I need to understand where he's coming from also.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top