Your weight/body and sex

lilacdawn

lilacdawn

New member
This is on the personal side, but sometimes you need to get feelings out, right?


Anyway.......

So for reasons regarding intimacy issues, or what I don't know, my husband does not have sex with me. It's been 15 months, around 25 in 10 years. It's okay on some levels, but not in others, like the simple fact that I am deprived of sexual contact, but when we have sex in the past, it never seemed worth all the missing anyway.His passive aggressiveness,basic lack of communication and rejection can due that to you. Resentment sets in. yada yada.And yes I have tried to "spice" it up, talked about it, cried about it (I am over that part now, way over),screamed, ignored. Communication doesn't work well one sided.

When I lost 92 pounds and was a size 9/10, and smoking hot. Nothing changed. It got worse, he got insecure. Then I gained again(since a pregnancy.) He said "is my chubby girl back?".. that was weird.Now I am almost back to my pre pregnancy weight.

I would like to think he could see past the weight, or if its not the weight. He needs to figure it out. The more weight I lose the sexier I feel and it's becoming more of an issue, and his insecurity does too. You would think he would pay more attention to me, but it's the opposite. I know weight shouldn't be a reflection of someones self esteem, or self worth. But I love myself more when I am thinner, and feel more sexually desirable. I wish sometimes the happy me wouldn't be so reliant on the thinner me.

Sex isn't everything, but its huge when you don't have it, or don't want it because of your relationship out of the bedroom?

How has your weight affected your sex life negatively, if it has? Did weight or related intimacy issues or sexuality conflicts arise? Has weight been a factor in your divorce or separation? Curious and alone..
 
thats really odd? Judging by your pic I would figure your husband is a pretty lucky guy especially with a wife who wants sex usually its vice versa!

I consider myself lucky I have been with the same girl since I was 250ish lbs and to my current state of 172..... we have been the same sexually....
 
sounds like the guy has a low sex drive or really isnt into you. Im guessing the former, perhaps he needs to see a doctor? do you have the cuddly stuff at all? or nothing - no cuddling or sex stuff?
I know at times me and my other half sometimes go without for a month or more, but theres always tons of cuddles and otherwise, we just get tired and go to bed to sleep after a hard days work lol. Doesnt help that im out early mornings cycling and going to bed early and hes going to bed late and getting up later.
But yeah we always make sure we go out for coffee at lunch from work, or the occasional night out - even if it is with the kids!
 
Is he a bigger guy? maybe he sees himself less desirable now that you have lost all that weight. But it sounds like your sex life wasnt that great even before your weight loss. I dont think it has all that much to do with your weight, there are some deeper issues at work here ("his passive aggressiveness,basic lack of communication and rejection").
 
This doesnt really have much to do with weight though does it, and to be honest its a bit if a weird and personal subject to bring up on a public forum.
 
wishes said:
sounds like the guy has a low sex drive or really isnt into you. Im guessing the former, perhaps he needs to see a doctor? do you have the cuddly stuff at all? or nothing - no cuddling or sex stuff?
I know at times me and my other half sometimes go without for a month or more, but theres always tons of cuddles and otherwise, we just get tired and go to bed to sleep after a hard days work lol. Doesnt help that im out early mornings cycling and going to bed early and hes going to bed late and getting up later.
But yeah we always make sure we go out for coffee at lunch from work, or the occasional night out - even if it is with the kids!

This doesnt really have much to do with weight though does it, and to be honest its a bit if a weird and personal subject to bring up on a public forum.
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"just not that into you".. lol.. that made me chuckle. At this point yes, I would say from him as well as I. Yes I think it may be a little of both. Although I think the doctor would be closer to what he needs.

Its nice that you and yours understand the importance of intimacy and closeness.

"How has your weight affected your sex life negatively, if it has? Did weight or related intimacy issues or sexuality conflicts arise? Has weight been a factor in your divorce or separation? Curious and alone.."


That does have to do with weight. I added my situation because I was just being honest. I am sure more people don't talk about it cause it's so
'weird and personal' to talk about weight and their sex lives. I don't really see it that way. I was curious, no one is forced to answer.

 
the lack of communication with passive aggressive behavior is a real red flag - are you going to any kind of counselling to work thru these issues... If not for your sake, for the sake ofyour children... It's not a good thing for children to grow up ina house where mom and dad don't care about each other...
 
My bf likes me at the weight I am, and I weigh 276.2 .. he doesnt want me to lose below 250, but I am going to lose to 230 ... I usually look twenty to thirty pounds less than I am as I go lower ..but he doesnt like the fact I am going to be losing weight, but he says he wants me happy ..but he says he loves me chubby .. he loves my big belly and my big body .. \

God knows why!?

but he does.. its not going to stop me from losing weight ..but I have made my goal weight a little differently .. the max I will lose is to 230 .. I am very sexy at 250 ..my stomach is almost all the way in ..
so I dont mind staying a little over

but .. I love the way he makes me feel... he might just like you bigger .. u know ...

good luck hun
best wishes
natalie jo :seeya:
 
im sorry but all relationships need that sexual contact.. and as a guy he wants it.. but if hes not getting it from u or wanting it from u... he might be getting it elsewhere...

this is a major issue especially since ur married
 
JeremyRice said:
im sorry but all relationships need that sexual contact.. and as a guy he wants it.. but if hes not getting it from u or wanting it from u... he might be getting it elsewhere...

this is a major issue especially since ur married
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I was thinking this too ... he might be getting it somewhere else, usually thats what they say...

but for your sake
I hope not hun
best wishes
natalie jo
do the weight thing for you
what makes you feel good
its all about you! ok
 
Let me say I'm sorry about your issues! I'm having issues as well, though it's more like the opposite. My husband is just fine with the way I was, and am, and he says (and has always said) I don't need to lose weight. Since I've started losing weight, he gets more and more insecure, especially with guys hitting on me more often. Now, this hasn't changed our sex life that much, other than in my perspective. Getting other offers is tempting, and makes me wish I had more experiences than I had before we were married (he was my only!). Now in the relationship, he has been putting forth much more effort since he's realizing I am getting offers elsewhere, and is scared to death I'll leave him for someone with more money, better looks, or whatever reason. Our marriage has been going down the drain for years, so the weight loss isn't the culprit here, but I think it has had a positive influence on his actions as of late. Good luck!!!
 
JeremyRice said:
but if hes not getting it from u or wanting it from u... he might be getting it elsewhere...
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eh maybe - but it could be a lot of other things as well - stress - medication - health issues - there's at least one baby around and some men see their wives differently after the baby comes...

it'd be ofinterest to know when the lack of communication started - because that's bigger problem than the lack of nookie... was he always like that and you broke the cardinal rule of relationships -you thought you could change him... or is thelack of communication something new... when did it start..
 
I think it's safe to say that overweight people who are physcially repulsed by themselves have a fear of intimacy. I think that idea is generally accepted. Unless of course, they're nymphomaniacs and need the contact regardless. In that case, their fear is dominated by physical desire.

I really don't know what to tell you besides talk it out with him...
 
could be 4 things

1. he doesnt find you attractive in general. then that would mean your married cus your used to being married and should reconsider that. maybe you guys would make better friends and be happier with someone else.
2. he's getting it some where else. which would mean number 1.
3. He needs to see a doctor, cus he may be depressed. when your depressed libio goes six feet under. Maybe some counseling or a med doctor could help. maybe its hormonal or physical.
4. He's gay. see number 1


either way i would recomend you guys get a marriage counselor and a Doctor. and communicate. you might not get the results you want from communication but you wont get any kind of resolution with out it.
 
Well, it def. sounds as if it is more of an issue with HIM and not you. Whatever the issue is....I would really consider professional help. For both parties involved. Im sure that if there is some huge underlying reason (which may be the case) that you would want/ and deserve to know. He deserves to find out the cause of his lack of intimacy. It's not fair to either of you.
In any case, It doesnt really sound like a weight related issue so much. There is something much deeper going on with him and you.

And if you find out something detriemental to your relationship...then the better off you will be to know now. You can take the steps needed to either save your marriage or move on. Sexual interactions are very important for a relationship. Not only for the pure physical need of it...but for the connection and mental closeness it offers to each other.

Best of luck
 
How has your weight affected your sex life negatively, if it has? Did weight or related intimacy issues or sexuality conflicts arise? Has weight been a factor in your divorce or separation? Curious and alone..
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Lemme tell you, there's a reason I'm divorced! Main reason was I wanted sex all the time and he didn't. Plus, when l lost weight, he was LESS interested in sex, and it was just horrible.. Thankfully I didn't let his self esteem issues reflect TOO much on me, and managed to get divorced with a quickness..
 
maleficent said:
eh maybe - but it could be a lot of other things as well - stress - medication - health issues - there's at least one baby around and some men see their wives differently after the baby comes...

it'd be ofinterest to know when the lack of communication started - because that's bigger problem than the lack of nookie... was he always like that and you broke the cardinal rule of relationships -you thought you could change him... or is thelack of communication something new... when did it start..
Click to expand...


Yeah I don't think he is seeing someone else. I am not and I am not having sex with someone else. I would say that after I became pregnant he got weird about me being a mom, and being a sexual being.

I didn't marry him thinking I could change him. When we got married we were still having regular, albeit mediocre, sex. The lack of communication comes in when I want to discuss this problem and he acts like it's not a problem. That is part of the problem!! lol.
 
Do you belong to any kind of church at all - maybe he'd go to counselling with you (church counselling is generally a lot cheaper than a therapist)- it really sounds like you need it...

has he ever been a communicator?

and you went from mediocre sex to no sex at all? were you satisfied with mediocre?
 
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