Whippy's Wanning

espressowhip

espressowhip

New member
Last time I was here I was on a mission. What happened?

In January 2011 I was at my highest weight ever. 306lbs/140kg. I got sleep apnea, I became plagued by asthma, and the largest size clothing available in the stores (here in Germany) were too small and had to order clothes...clothes are a huge issue, aren't they?

I started a doctor monitored "nutrition group" that met every week. They utilize a rather tasty meal replacement drink program while they teach you a lot about nutrition. I'd been a fan of meal replacements from way back when, so I was happy to partake. It's been fabulous, I lost weight, dropped 2 sizes, learned a lot, and gained more awareness of my bad habits and my wrong ideas about food.

I started the program Jan 17th, at 140kg and ended it May 21st at 126kg. 14kg or 30lbs lighter!! The asthma has subsided, the sleep apnea is gone and my clothes fit great. I'm relieved...but I want more!

Now the "nutrition" part of the program is finished and I'm in "the club", (I'm in Germany so it's actually called "derClub") which only meets once every 6 weeks and I need help in the form of (peer)pressure to stay motivated.

I came back here for the "challenges" - I like them because they pray on my competitive nature with the most positive of consequences. So I'm here for challenges and plan to totally kill it month after month.

My goal remains fitness. I miss pounding out 10 miles on crisp Saturday mornings, or the more leisurely evening run around the lake on warm summer nights. I watched the Biggest Loser and saw these enormous people running and killing themselves and I thought - my gawd...why am I sitting here? If it's safe for them to move like that, it's certainly something I can do. Thanks to that inspiration I'm up to jogging-non-stop, 8km at a clip. I stopped my distance there so I can work on increasing my speed/intensity. As it is now, I can walk that distance faster than I can jog it. I have a millions of fitness goals but it's been much harder than what I expected. I'm 44, not 24, so you won't read much bragging about fitness goals. My weight loss efforts have been much more successful so you'll get more about that.

I use FitDay software like a maniac and love it. I also use runkeeper for Android. When I bike I use mapmyride AND runkeeper...I'm a technology junkie.

I'm American but I live in Europe, which I offer to explain why I use both kilograms and pounds.

My current goal is for July 12th, the next "derClub" meeting where my official weight will hopefully be 120kg. I'm at 122, so I don't think I'll make it because of what I said above...without the pressure of a weekly meeting, I've been less disciplined than I was with them. But we'll see. Sometimes the body surprises and the will triumphs.

:patriot: Roll on July!
 
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hindsight is...

It was interesting to go back and read diary entries from 2010. It seems I'm in the same place emotionally and I stopped writing right when I was having some major breakthrough moments. I see now the difference between last year at this time and now is that I've fixed all the balance issues with my diet and am following through on the things I learned.

I also have to give props to the physical and emotional affects of stress. I had some major job stress peak about then, and although I hadn't realized it at the time, it was solely responsible for my inability to hold it together. I fixed that too, so no wonder I'm experiencing so much lovely success! Yay me!
 
I admit...

I admit I wasn't very careful the past month, but I also wasn't terrible.

We had lots of rain, so I didn't get out much to do my long walks. I usually ride my bike to work and wherever else, but that was also skipped on rainy days. That coupled with not being as careful as I could with my caloric intake...I lost an entire 0.5kg for the entire month of June.

Boooo!!! Hisssss!

How embarrassing! Well...at least it's a loss and not a gain!

This is precisely why I'm here to do challenges. Even today at the supermarket I shopped with the challenge in mind.

I got a nice shove as well. I stopped by the doctor's office to get a prescription - the same doctor that does the "nutrition" program, and one of the nurses there said she saw a big difference in my face. That made me feel good. I think people forget how important it is to say something about the changes they see. A friend of mine said she wasn't sure if I was comfortable with her saying anything, but she said she still has a picture from our birthday parties back in January and sometimes she looks at that and is really proud of what I've done...then she showed me the picture!! I didn't like looking at it, but I was glad to see the amount of change for myself.

Although I have long way to go, I'm glad this fraction of goal has had such a positive impact on my appearance - even if I don't see it myself.

I notice changes in myself through how my clothes fit, but I never see it in the mirror, so having someone say that they noticed it was fabulous!
 
Have you considered working out inside the house? There are a lot of youtube video's for working out and some just use your bodyweight so there isn't a need to buy any equipment.

Congratulations on the weight you have already lost and the amazing health improvements you have already experience though! It's amazing how good you feel once you start doing thing for yourself. I wish you luck for your next update :)
 
2nd week of July

Huh. I disrespected my own boundary.

Yesterday my water was up 2kg/4.4lbs! and today I'm back down to where I was and have been for the past 6 weeks! I did research on water weight gain, so I'm cool about it, but the fluctuation never ceases to amaze me! Never ceases, I tell ya!

I would totally expect (and possibly embrace) a plateau in the winter but not in the summer. I've been so active with all the extra stuff one can do in the warm-ish weather! Or maybe that's just it. I've been so active, I've not been doing my normal workouts.

Well, it's a good thing for the challenges to remind me. Every time I eat, or rather every time I think about a snack, I think about the challenge. And my regret about skipping workouts is growing enough to motivate me to get back to it. It's nice to have a reminder. I'm so close to one of my goals...sooooo close!!! I can almost taste it, and I don't half think that maybe I'm sabotaging my efforts to reach a milestone. The mind is a tricky little trickster!

I was at a birthday party yesterday and they had 3 different kinds of cakes, wine and beer, and food with lots of bread. I won't go into how Northern Germans eat, but I had about 50g of smoked Mackral on an appox. 15g piece of very dark seed-ridden bread and around 70g of tomato and mushroom salad w/olive oil. Not a meal, but enough to appear social and stay any hunger. No cake, no beer, no wine. Just mineral water. I didn't feel deprived or left out. In fact, on the 9km bike ride home, I was really proud of my eating behavior. Regardless, I don't eat like that because it's "fun", I eat like that because I have a goal, so the things I'm doing to sabotage myself make no sense at all. :banghead:

I have a barely used Billy Banks trilogy, and I have the Beach Body workout which I've used and like because it's "old school". The first reason I don't use them is because of the (healthy) pain that inevitably follows those workouts. :toetap05: I'm full of excuses, eh? The other reason I don't reach for those first is because I work from home, and my home is a small, big-city, Euro apartment. Not only is my apartment small for something like working out, but I also work from home (I'm a programmer). I live and work from a small area, so I escape whenever possible - especially for workouts. Never fear, your suggestion does not fall on blind eyes, rather it's yet another road-sign that skipping workouts is really the root of my "issues".

I don't really believe in plateaus, so this scale not moving crap is really pissing me off! I'm sure it has to do with my slacking off on my workouts but also an increase of summer social beverages, like Italian soda, which, of course,even if I have just 2, nevertheless results in an increase in my sugar for the week. Oh yes, I know exactly what I'm doing to maintain this "plateau", and while I may be the sort to make excuses not to workout, I'm not the sort to lie to myself about my diet. However, right now is when that nonsense get's stopped in it's tracks!

The rest of the challenge this month will see the scale move. A little effort or a lot of effort - effort is effort, it's all the same to me!
 
2nd week of July part 2

I don't know why I didn't wait until after "derClub" to write. The meeting is in the evenings and I was sure to write about my experiences there! My scale is just a few 10ths different than theirs, so when I weighed in the morning I new it was going to be a close-call come evening.

It was humid and I made sure to get in some vigorous (sweaty) exercise late in the day, but in the end, I didn't make it. I blame that they weigh in FULL kilograms, so even a full pound difference doesn't matter to them.

Mind you- I lost 4kg (8.8lbs) since the last weigh in, but that wasn't my goal. My goal was 5kg, and I was, I kid you not, 4.9. And since 4.9 is not 5.0...I did not make my goal. :banghead:

I was disappointed to learn I'm the heaviest woman in "derClub". So a new goal I have is to not be that anymore. I think I have goal-fatigue! I have so many different goals; heart rate goals, exercise frequency goals, distance goals, time goals, clothing size goals, specific articles of clothing goals, kilograms-lost goals, pounds-lost goals, weight goals, measurement goals, carbohydrate goals, saturated fat goals...see what I mean?! I'm exhausted! But without these goals, without this total investment in what I'm doing, I stray.

I'm sure I'll blog about hyper-monitoring macro-nutrients later, but should I ever go into the body-sculpting arts, I'll be all set on that end of things. I use to think those people were totally bonkers, but taking control of your body is really empowering so I can understand the appeal.

One of the other woman was also 1kg short of her goal, but hers is her ultimate goal! She's lost 80kg (officially 79kg)! That's 176lbs! That's more or less what I plan to accomplish as well. She's not as thin at her goal weight as I will be at mine, so she must have started out larger than I did (although she looks fabulous!) - it's a great inspiration to meet someone who came so far. She was so proud of herself and I was proud for her too!

They need some kind of recognition process, certificates or something...they have nothing to mark the accomplishment. It's a relatively new program (3 years) and the doctor who runs it is tall and lanky, although with a middle-age spread you'd expect of someone tall and lanky - she probably had the opposite problem her whole life. I think it doesn't cross her mind to make time for anyone to specifically share their weight loss accomplishment or mark a goal with some kind of recognition. If my German were better I'd suggest a few ideas to her - I'll work on that!

I left the meeting with mixed emotions. I felt lame to be the largest person there, and that I missed my goal by a 10th of a kilogram, but also inspired by the woman who lost so much and whose pride was infectious.

This feeling reminds me of something else I've lost. I lost that "do or die" obstacle one often has when trying to lose weight. You know, that feeling of when you fail or suffer a set-back, you give up or sabotage yourself reaping unfathomable depths of regret? I lost that mentality at some point! That's good!! The whole "it's a journey" thing...I've got it.

So no matter how lame I feel, I didn't do anything to sabotage myself. I had a totally normal evening with no emotional binging or pouting...I just carry on.
 
"Do or do not, there is no try." ~Yoda

Reading the blogs is so helpful, if you aren’t doing it, do it! You don’t have to read everyone’s, just skim until you identify with something someone writes and you’ll benefit.

Sometimes I learn about things that help me with my process and other times I get perspective on how much I’ve learned and improved. The blogs are a good mirror.

Yesterday was a peculiar day. Maybe it’s the gray, cool, rainy weather, or something else, but I didn’t consume much. I had my morning espresso and protein drink, and the usual troughs of water until about 4am when, unable to sleep, I had 40g of granola with skim milk. I got up about 5 hours later to begin another day. I felt really off yesterday, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that my food and sleep were off as well.

I’m going to post my food more often, like I see other bloggers do. I’m really proud of where I’ve gotten to with my eating habits. I was one who really struggled with portion control. I am allotted 600-800 calories for my meal and I use to fill every allowable calorie with the lowest calorie foods possible so that I could have this enormous amount of food on my plate.

I think the shift came from a lack of variety, from eating more or less, the same salad-type thing every day. The first 4 months of this doctor supervised program I only ate on thing:

80g Chinese cabbage
70g Turkey or one medium hard boiled egg or 100g salmon
30g cottage cheese (instead of dressing)
80g tomatoes
50g cucumber (sometimes)
40g mushrooms (sometimes)
25-40g avocado (sometimes)
25g red bell peppers


That’s 400 grams of food! With various vegetable substitutions now and then, it was a huge amount of food to sit and consume, but it was my only meal of the day, and I was going to make it worth the wait!

I remember the day the shift took hold. I had baked some chicken (instead of my usual turkey) for the salad for the week, and was too tired and too impatient to cut all the other stuff for the salad, so I steamed some broccoli and that was my dinner; 80g of Chicken and a mass of broccoli. I was totally prepared to be disappointed, but instead I was surprised that the plate tasted so good and I was more satisfied than I had been in weeks (or months). The only thing that felt empty was the short amount of time it took to eat it. Normally I would sit and languish over a big bowl of salad for a stretch of time, but not this meal.

I think I’ve only had that salad 4 times since then, it’s still good, but now I subscribe to what they all say; “variety is important”.

Portion control is also painfully important. It’s important for the longevity of your efforts. What I was doing before, eating a huge amount of salad, was setting myself up for failure. Whether it’s a calorie efficient salad or calorie heavy pasta, getting your head around portions will help train yourself to satisfy your need to eat without the harsh consequences that put you here in the first place. And it really is all in your head.

I think my biggest accomplishment to date has been portion control. I knew it was an issue but I never dared to think I could be satisfied with the portions deemed “normal” by whoever deems such things. But now that I see that I am satisfied, and it’s a huge weight (pardon the pun) off my shoulders. It’s such a relief to conquer the portion-beast!

My portions have become such that I feel like I’m eating like a sane person for the first time in my entire life. And in thinking about meals with my family (back in California), and how much food gets heaped onto their plates, and often back for seconds, it’s no wonder they are all significantly overweight. It’s no wonder I became overweight too! The whole family is trained from birth to customarily eat huge amounts of food.

For a long time I desperately wanted to embrace the habit of eating until you’re not hungry anymore – as opposed to eating until you are full. I think I’ve done it! Eating has become a part of life, rather than something to live for.

I’ve been so philosophical lately – and you know I think those people are bonkers! But maybe there’s something to it after all. I like the changes in me and it feels good to acknowledge it.

I am, however, surprised that the contradiction doesn’t bother me more; that I’m still “extremely" obese but thinking like a healthy person. It’s just a matter of time that the two will be in sync, and I’m thankful that it doesn’t bother me more. Now that I’m taking good care of me, and I know I’m taking good care, I’m not as self-conscious of my condition as I have been. There are times, of course, when I’m ashamed of being the sweaty fat woman with the heavy American accent, but more and more I feel confident as I go about my business.
 
I can definitely identify with you on the portion control thing, and how it stems from your childhood of "learned obesity". When I was a kid, you would have thought I didn't know when I was going to eat next. Seconds, thirds, fourths of everything my mom made. And the first serving was always on an overflowing plate. I can remember feeling so full after dinner that I thought I would get sick. WHY did I do that to myself?? I won't go in to what I think my parents should have done (police me!?!) because that's a whole different bag of onions. Or going to McDonalds as a kid and being allowed to get the "value meal" that came with two cheese burgers, and then a super-sized fry and pop. Or the extra large "group" chicken nugget meal that came with like 25 chicken nuggets or something, and a super-sized fry and drink. And sometimes, if I begged enough, I could get a McFlurry on top of that. Or Friday night pizza night, where my mom got two large pizzas for me, my dad and her, plus a box of chicken wings and a two liter of pop. I would eat five or six or seven pieces of pizza and ten chicken wings, plus all the soda I could hold. Then we'd have ice cream later. I was always given adult-sized servings, with all the extras I could want.

In a way, I'm kind of sad that my parents let me do that. But also, if I had been raised differently and I had been skinny my whole life, I might not appreciate how hard it is for people who are heavy and struggle with weight. I also might not understand how important it is to teach my own children someday about eating right and having a healthy relationship with food.

My parents are not obese. My mom has weighed less than 120lbs her whole life, and my dad is overweight, but has a healthy, active job and loves to be outside working in the fields. So I was kind of an anomoly. My sisters and brother are all really fit people too. But I was the baby and the last one to live in the house from age 8 until I graduated from high school, so I guess I was babied and coddled and my parents wanted to make me happy in the easiest, most immediate way.
 
Activities

I think the baby of the family gets the short end of the stick when it comes to discipline. My paternal aunt has a very similar story to yours Chelsea, she was the only child left in the house since the age of 4 and she was never thin, until, and only briefly after, having gastric bypass.

I was an only child, super active from youth to adult hood. I moved to cold, wet, dark, Germany at age 34, and stopped everything. My family didn't eat out much, it was those family gatherings where the indulgences happened, and on my father's side every meal was a gathering. They still eat like that.

I wonder how motivated I would be if weight loss were dependent on exercise and nothing else. I was once an obsessive runner, literally. I didn't run smart, I ran often. I didn't rest my body the way a smart runner does. I've run 2 marathons, several mini-triathalons, a hand full of half-marathons, and literally countless 10Ks between the age of 13 to 34. I would run 5 miles everyday, and 10 on Saturdays. I remember getting off work, putting in my 5 , then meeting up with everyone before happy hour was over. I was a FREAK about running. I also swam and visited the gym regularly for weights and classes...then there was mountain biking with the guys. I could also eat & drink anything I wanted and still maintain a super cute size 7 shape. But that was California, sunny and mild all year 'round.

Those days are behind me. Obviously.

Exercise has become my biggest foe. So I may, from time to time bother with food posts, but I think I'll be reporting the current state of exercise and see if that helps at all.

I have all the gadgets to measure heart rate, distance, speed, elevation, calories burned, pace...you name it! I love to measure pedantically, it's fun, scientific, geekery, which has done nothing to help me loose weight or stay motivated for my fitness goals. I have various sized zero-calorie Sprite bottles filled with water for weights that are actually dusty. I ride my bike almost daily for practical purposes, but city rides aren't exactly "exercise". Earlier I mentioned my work out videos and how I avoid them. I have a yoga mat, a pilates book, an enormous exercise ball, several sizes of those stretchy bands for resistance training, a fancy jump rope, and one of those little trampolines. I even took time to create a reasonable workout schedule which I keep posted next to my work area to remind me of what should be done for the day.

It's not the road to hell, it's the road to obesity which is paved with good intentions.

So let's see if my former jockette will respond to a little shame, shall we?

Today's activities:

  • Walked down 2 levels to the ground floor carrying a 4 lb sack.
  • Walked 6 meters round trip to put out the trash.
  • Walked down 1 level to fetch the laundry.
  • Walked UP 3 levels carrying approx 7 lbs of wet clothes.
  • Hung laundry for 5 minutes.
  • Sat for 9 hours doing light administrative work.
  • Walked 7 meters round trip, approximately 5 times intermittently throughout the day, to both expel and acquire water.

:toetap05::icon_bs::toetap05::icon_bs:
 
Hcg

Activity for Saturday:

18 km bike ride, 9km with a slight incline and 9km with a slight decline. 80 minutes.

Activity for Sunday:

Zilch.

I was at a birthday party (again) and was good. The hostess made a vegan gespacho that was super yummy! I could have eaten a lot, but I chose to have a 15g piece of bread with it. I'd guess it was about 100 grams of the stuff, but that's over estimating, it was really a small serving - only enough to stay hunger. I had a few peanuts, but really just a few. Maybe 15 g...maybe that. I might say it was 20 peanuts would be more accurate than the grams because I don't eat nuts very often and not sure how much they might weigh. I drank 2 beers with 2.5% alcohol, and water the rest of the time. Aside from coffee (and more water) that's all I had Saturday.

Sunday I slept a lot because of staying late at the party. I didn't feel good today which I attribute to the late night and the 2 sissy-beers. I'm such a light weight when it comes to alcohol, which my former party friends wouldn't believe it until they see it. It may not be the alcohol, it might just be the lateness. I had a normal food day without the protein drinks. I had a 80g tomatoe, 40g light-mozerella, 25g avocado, 111g salmon. Lots of water and a cappuccino with 1,5 milk. I thought to go for a walk today but I felt really yucky and the rain didn't let up, so I opted for a blankie, some documentaries, and happy, snuggly cats.

I noticed the discussion boards are lacking in posts about the HCG diet. I talked to a woman at the party, who was about my size, who has done this diet in the past. She has gained all the weight back but she really felt that anyone trying to lose weight should do it. I thought...do you really think your testimony has any value after gaining all the weight back? I know a few people who have done that diet, none had all that much to loose, and they did it with success, but I don't know if it's for me. I don't plan to ever get this big again. I say plan... I won't ever let myself gain the weight back, and I worry that any attempt, other than old-fashioned diet and exercise, is inviting a re-gain. But I also think that worry is learned.

No matter how you loose weight, a re-gain is just a matter of eating habits and lifestyle. If you lose weight and don't change your eating habits and lifestyle, does it really matter how you lost weight in the first place? I don't think so. I think the people who loose weight too quickly are just as likely to gain the weight as someone who looses it slowly; the difference being, obviously, that the people who lose it slowly have more practice with changing their eating habits and lifestyle thereby increasing the chance of long term success.

I can't really proclaim that I won't re-gain the weight no matter how it comes off, I can only say that I don't want to regain. I can also say that I desperately want my old body back. I am literally desperate. The last 3 years of barely trying and whining about not succeeding were a lesson in failure I do not care to repeat. Few things are more pathetic than someone who says, "I've been dieting for a month and haven't lost any weight." All the while knowing that they didn't really diet...I hate liars but dieters are the biggest liars on the planet. I stopped lying this year and I've never felt better. If I lose weight I know why, if I don't I know why, and I own it.

So I'm desperate to be the woman I know I am. I want the body that enabled me to shop anywhere for clothes, the body that allowed me to enjoy the beach without anxiety, the body that allowed me to socialize without anxiety, the body that allowed me to try new activities (i.e. surfing, sailing, kayacking), the body that made me attractive to someone I was attracted to. the body that matches my personality and ambition! I want that body/life! I believe that my will to have that body/life back is stronger than any consequences of an alleged short cut like HCG. I don't think it's good to use a so called short cut to loose 150lbs, but I can't see a huge concern in using is to drop another 40 or so. It's kinda like doing interval training for endurance. You start out at a normal pace, do a sprint, the resume back to your normal pace.

Although, I wouldn't ever drop down to 500 calories a day, there's also no reason to, especially at my size. I think the target group for the 500 calories a day aren't the morbidly obese like me. I think the target group are people who have less than 50lbs to lose. If a person, like myself, needs 3000 calories to maintain their weight, then I think dropping down to 1500 calories is enough to be plenty effective. Nevertheless, I like the idea behind the hormone; telling your hypothalamus to tell your body to release the energy stored in the fat cells.

I think putting hormones in your body is bad, it's why I have never taken birth control pills - but when menopause tries to take me down, I'll totally take them! Different motivation. But I also think drinking normal Pepsi is incredibly bad for your body, or eating ice cream with all the fructrose... we put so many bad things in our bodies with "known and dangerous side affects" that I don't think the risk that some say accompanies this hormone treatment is any worse than taking birth control pills or anti-depressants - or even cough medicine! Health professionals are obligated to tell you the risks, so their warnings have to be tempered by that obligation. Heck, I remember about 12 years ago listening to the doctor tell me the risks associated with anti-anxiety medication, then practically contradicting herself by telling me lots of people take them without consequences. She scared me right out of taking them! But she prescribed them anyway and encouraged me to use them - knowing all those risks!

What I'm saying is, I might try the HCG, but instead of going down to 500 calories a day, maybe drop down to 1200. I'm losing at a good rate with my daily 1500, so with the aid of hormone instructions to the hypothalamus and dropping another 300 off my daily intake, I'm sure to see a jump in my results - and although it won't break any records, it'll make me happy to do a short sprint on this very long process - - that is, if it works. Like with most things, I'm pretty skeptical. And of course I'll take a moment to be grateful for having the 60€ to burn on something that may not be effective!

I'm still 7kg/14.4lbs away from being merely "obese", so I welcome the alleged short cut to that fantastical goal.

I know this can be an emotive subject, so try to go easy on me if you choose to comment. Thanks!
 
Walking

Activity for Monday

Walked 6km as fast as I could. I stayed within my target heart rate. I also carried some heavy-ish objects to the basement so that's weights done for the day.

Totally alone on the walk. It's really windy and warm today, although overcast - it's humid too so none of the usual joggers and dog walkers were out. I got a good think out of it. I also got a good sweat out of it.

I had only one protein drink, although that may change before the evening is through, I'm actually feeling hungry today so I might go ahead and take the protien. Dinner will be: 50g turkey, 80g tomato, 70g steamed broccoli, And half a small honey melon - if it's still good - if not, then 40g strawberries, 10 blueberries, and 20g fat-free yogurt (not sugar free).

I haven't had much of an appetite the past week. I'm happy once I start eating, but getting to it is not very appealing. I can't say why. Maybe stress, but stress from what I don't know. I don't necessarily feel stressed...so hard tellin' what's causing my appetite to drop off. I'm hoping it's simply the process of food becoming less of a focal point. Time will tell. I got a lot of work done today, so my general mood, although not overtly happy, is far from unsatisfied.

I also spent 2 hours tidying around the apartment. My small apartment can really soak up the time when I get started on it. I have 2 cats, so there's always that cleaning factor to consider (summer=hair).
 
Congrats on your weight loss so far.
You do so much exercise! It's very inspiring.
Also, have you ever considered a low carb diet?
You don't have to worry about portion control, you dont continually think about food and hunger is minimal.
 
We don't eat no stinkin' carbs!

holdthecarbs said:
Also, have you ever considered a low carb diet?
Click to expand...

What are carbs?

I generally don't eat carbs so it's a non-issue. I tried Atkins a few years ago and that's when I learned I was allergic to wheat. I rarely eat bread, and then only socially, in painfully small portions, and very dark bread. I haven't had pasta, literally, for years. I always tell low-carb newbies not to fret - there is life without bread! When I first tried Atkins I couldn't imagine not eating bread/pasta, and now, it never ceases to amaze me how I don't miss it!

Portion control has been an issue in general, so I'm not really interested in a diet that allows for outrageous portions. I don't see Atkins as a long term solution for my goals. 2000+ calories in uncontrolled portions of meat&veggies is 500+ unnecessary calories standing between me and my goals.

I'm well aware of insulin spikes and how they affect weight loss, but instead of eating 2000+ calories of protein every day, I go for fewer calories in a portion controlled, balanced, low-carb meal between 600-800 calories. The other two meals are the medically supervised protein drinks. The hours my body burns fat during the day are maximized without compromising nutrition or sabotaging my efforts at portion control. The drinks are surprisingly delicious (in 8 flavors!) and totally fit my lifestyle. I found my groove.

It's sunny and mild and not too humid today so I will go for a walk - my usual 6km trek. The other bloggers have duly inspired me to keep at the exercise! My thanks goes out to everyone who writes about their exercise!!

After yesterday I decided to raise the minimum target heart rate so that I can keep more steady with a faster pace. I feel like I'm ready for that. I had kept the default target heart-rate range settings, but after yesterday, I was surprised at how slow it allowed me to walk before it beeped at me! So I'll up it - it feels good to be SO fit *cough-cough* that I need to increase my target heart rate! It's embarrassing when it beeps because you know all the other runners/walkers know why it's beeping, so the beeping is a motivation to quicken my step!

Today's meal is much like yesterday except I'll have yummy green beans instead of broccoli, an extra tomato, and strawberries instead of melon. I have these amazing spices a friend in Wisconsin picked up at a local farmer's market. They are 4 variations on chili peppers - and while only the Chiptole is better with beef, the other three make eating turkey a delight! I can go mild to super spicy with the salt-less "Fire Salt", which actually needs to be used conservatively! It gives my turkey enough variation that I don't tire of it. But I alternate with fish often enough, and sometimes beef, and occasionally ham. I'm not a hard-core carnivore, and I'm a good cook, but I can't wrap my spatula around tofu. Turkey and fish are yummy, so I'm cool.

In January I had bought some expensive olive oil to garnish with and man...has it been worth it! Summer veggies with a teaspoon of rich, super yummy olive oil is better than an entire salad slathered in ranch. Now I know what quality olive oil tastes like and I'm seriously in love! If you are an oil-n-vinegar kind of person, I highly recommend doubling whatever you currently pay for olive oil - you won't regret it for a second!! I'm officially an olive-oil snob! Don't hate people! Join in on the taste sensation!
 
Hidden calories

I just wrote a reply on a blog about soy sauce, and my own words seriously depressed me. I love sushi, and I also love it with soy sauce. I shudder to think how much soy sauce I used the last time I ate sushi, but I know I didn't use it sparingly.

I have sushi roughly 3 times a month. Sometimes more. And by more I mean 8 times a month (I'm single and clearly over-paid)! The blogger thinks sushi is healthy, and I agree 100%. It's the only time I allow myself my beloved rice and oh how I love rice. But I often forget about the soy sauce being a master of sabotage!

So while I've been brutally honest with myself, I've been totally ignoring the soy sauce factor. I put a little note by the door, so that when the dude delivers my yummy rolls of healthy goodness, I can hopefully notice it beyond the salivation haze: "ACHTUNG SOY SAUCE" as a reminder to curtail the slathering of soy-sauce.

I have an appointment in a while and it's about 6km away. That's 12km round trip with the bike. City biking, not intensive, but I'll take it as exercise. I've got a clothing project blown up all around my apartment which needs to be sorted through TONIGHT, so that'll be another couple hours of "moderately-intensive" housework and probably a couple hundred calories burned. But I really must get back to a regular schedule of sweating. Why I dread it so much is honestly beyond me.

I read a book about fear not long ago and I can only attribute it to that. That I'm afraid (on some level) of what will happen if I'm successful at getting fit - and all the consequences surrounding that. People will expect more of me. They'll expect me to stay fit, to stay thin, they'll expect me to demonstrate my fitness...or I dunno... it's about things I expect others will expect of me for having had success. Nuts.

I keep saying - it's all in the mind.

Dinner tonight will be:
115g salmon
45 g string beans
20 g cottage cheese (low-fat)
20 g avocado
45 g tomato
1 tbs super-duper olive oil
40 g strawberries
25 g low-fat yogurt​

The hormones arrived today, but the book didn't (sometimes I have to wait for books in English). There are instructions with the hormones, but I'm inclined to wait for the book so I have all the tips and tricks of how to maximize the effect. I'm a big fan of books that tell me what to do *cough*. No, but really...it's not something to enter into lightly.

 
Convenient Calorie Calculation Syndrom

This is the 2nd time I was desperate for food on this diet. It's like a panic! I had lunch instead of waiting until dinner for the "meal". I don't usually have eggs in the house but I do, so I thought I'd try something different and it worked out better than I thought.

Lunch
126c 2 medium eggs
156c 110g Salmon
9 c 50g tomato
39c 25g light (fresh) mozzerella
119c 1Tbs olive oil
450 calories​

That hit the spot! I thought for sure it'd total-up way higher, but I don't eat eggs very often so I was pretty clueless about how many calories they would be. And the cheese melted really nicely. So good!

Could have used (a lot) less olive oil, but I doubt that would make up for the fat combo of the eggs and fish. And there was too much fish - so next time I'll know. Less oil, less fish, more tomato.

Activity Today
6km "power" walk - good walk, lots of dawgs!
6x 3 flights of stairs (taking stuff to the basement)
2 hours moderate house work (everything counts!)​

I have more to do today so my activity level is pretty high today.

In the process of writing this I had planned to blame the Italian Sodas for my "plateau" (I don't believe in plateaus - just dieting mistakes) - then I saw how calorie-poor they are and thought - that can't be right. Much to my horror, my brain must have been asleep the first time I calculated the 100ml nutrition info down to 1Tbsp, because it is not 5 calories per tablespoon of syrup, it's 50!

I hardly know what to say. My heart just sunk. I thought one soda was about 20-25 calories, and instead it's about 200-250. HOLY SUGAR! And I usually have 2 almost every day! That's INSANE! I'm literally horrified by my mistake. I'm a victim of convenient calorie calculation syndrome!

There's always a food reason for not losing. ALWAYS!
They are good, but not worth 250 calories. The upside is I can look forward to putting this "plateau" behind me - so to speak.

Just goes to show ya - math skillz are important.
 
The early bird is thinner than the night owl.

I'm still reeling from the Italian soda thing. I feel like a big ole loser.

My appetite is back, which sucks. I was confused by, but totally enjoying, not having one.

The evenings remain a weak point. Snacking seems like an obvious counterpart to sitting in front of a television. I felt like I kicked the habit, then I have an evening like yesterday. I even considered getting on my bike and going to the store at 9pm JUST to get a decent snack food. I didn't, but I certainly went back and forth about it up until the time the store closed.

I've had to get up rather early the past 3 days. Last evening, as I wandered aimlessly around my chocolate-less, cake-less, cookie-less, chip-less, kitchen, I realized I was terribly sleepy. I went to bed.

I think the real cure to evening cravings is getting up so early that you fall asleep half way through the evening. It's a theory-in-progress.

Activity
6km power walk
15 minutes beach body work out (it kills me)
2 hours of frantic worrying
1.25 hours pacing around the kitchen
23 min procrastination

Food
70g tomato
50g broccoli
100g salmon
100g low-fat lemon yogurt​
 
That quiz thing

1. What is your current height and weight?
5'7", 121.2kg

2. If you were at an ideal weight now, what would that weight be?
61kg

3. At what weight would you like to be at four months from now?
99kg

4. Why do you want to lose weight?
I don’t feel like myself. How I see myself in my head does not match what I look like. I don’t recognize my reflection in store windows. I’m embarrassed and ashamed by being overweight. I want my self-esteem back.

5. Do you want to lose weight for a specific life event such as wedding or reunion? If so, when is that event?
No specific event.

6. What obstacles could get between you and your weight loss goals?
My willpower, or possibly illness.

7. Why do you think that you now have a weight problem?
Gaining was a coping mechanism for fear.

8. What lifestyle changes do you think would help you lose weight?
I’ve changed everything, but I could step up the exercise program.

9. Have you lost weight in the past? If so, what has worked in the past to help you lose weight?
There were times where I wanted to lose weight, but only needed to lose 20lbs or so, and I did it purely with exercise.

10. Why do you believe that you did not lose weight or you gained the weight back?
Laziness, and in this case of gaining 150lbs, it was psychological.

12. Would you try writing down all food and drink consumed for a given period of time?
I’ve done it without fail for the past 7 months, even the bad stuff. Brutal honesty, and the regret that comes with it, has helped me make a habit out of healthy choices.

13. Do you cook at home often? If so, what do you cook?
I cook everyday, I'm lucky to have the time. I cook everything I eat, meat, veggies, stuff like that.

14. How often do you go out to eat? Where do you go?
I haven’t eaten in public for 4 years. I’m fat and I don’t want anyone to have to see the fat woman eating. I have sushi delivered, 2-8 times a month.

15. What are your three favorite foods?
Three fav healthy foods: anything green colored, rice, salmon
Three fav unhealthy foods: ice cream, cake, peanut or coconut milk sauces

16. What are your three favorite restaurants?
Japanese, Thai, Greek

17. What are three things you can do differently when it comes to food?
Portion control – 90% under control.
Don’t opt for a sugary food when too tired to cook. 90% under control.
Not fry anything – still a temptation.

18. If you woke up tomorrow and your body was exactly the way you want it, what would be different?
I would be comfortable in my own skin. I wouldn’t be ashamed or feel judged when I eat in public or buy food that isn’t perfectly healthy. I would check myself out in the mirror and wear body-conscious clothing! I would flirt without reservation.

19. Do you eat when you are not hungry?
I use to. When frustrated, angry, or sad.

20. Do you binge eat (large amounts at a time)?
I have, but infrequently, and in the past 6 months only once.

21. Do you hide your food or eat in secret?
I have. I figured if I got rid of the packaging right away by putting it in the bins outside, then I didn’t really eat it.

22. Do you eat when you are sad, nervous, or depressed?
I have, but not anymore. I have developed other coping skills for these emotions.

23. Do you eat as a reward?
I have, but I don’t anymore.

24. Do you eat while watching TV or using the computer?
I eat my dinner with the TV on, but make a specific effort to concentrate on the food while it’s there and be thankful for it and appreciate every bite. I use a breathing technique I learned in a self-hypnosis weight-loss audio. It's been amazing for the portion-control/satisfaction ratio.

25. What do you normally eat for a meal?
70g-200g veggies, 70g-125g lean protein, 25g-40g fruit. No bread/rice/pasta.

26. What type of snacks do you eat?
I don’t. But I use to snack instead of eat real food. Snack food was food. If I must eat between meals, I go protein rich (cottage cheese/milk) or veggies.

27. In terms of exercise, what, if anything, are you currently doing?
Power walk, bike rides, BeachBody DVD, light weights and a bit of jogging now and then.

28. Where do you go for exercise? A local public gym? School/work gym?
I walk/jog/ride outside, I do the DVDs inside my apartment.

29. What, if anything, are your three favorite types of exercise?
Cycling, swimming, aerobic type class (spinning/step/etc)

30. What is your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly motivation to move towards your goals?
Daily: weigh-in and logging my caloric intake/output
Weekly: “official” weigh-in and a review of my weekly caloric totals
Monthly: trying to improve on the monthly Fat/Protien/Carb ratio
Yearly: This is the last summer I can wear these clothes…ever!

31. Do you have rewards for certain goals?
Yes. Material things that I wouldn't normally afford for myself. Long-term goal is sailing lessons.
 
Duckstein Bierfest

So I ended up at the beer festival. I figured it was a good test. I had one (small) beer and didn't enjoy it all that much.

It was easy to resist the food there. The prices alone did that! This has to be the snobbiest beer festival on the planet. It was always like that but over the years it's gotten even snobbier. Beer and snobbery just don't go together!

It was cold, but nice.

I got off the train a few stops early and walked home. It was only 4km but it was a good activity at 11pm!

Today: 6km power walk in the rain

Food:
112g fresh salmon
70g broccoli
25g avocado
25g cottage cheese
45g tomato
50g "sugar-melon"​
 
Where are you living?

It was interesting to read your questionnaire. It sounds like you dont have things easy at all, especially not in the past but you are getting control back.

Italian sodas are that high in cals? Can't you buy sf syrup? x
 
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