Well i've been dieting and exercising to lose weight since a pretty young age, but obviously i haven't had much success and haven't managed to maintain anything long term which has left me more and more discouraged every time. It's a bit pitiful since i'm only in my mid 20's and have pretty much reserved myself to giving up on trying to lose the weight. It seems the more i try the more ridiculous and meaningless the idea of losing weight becomes.
Before my therapist brought up weight loss surgery at the start of this year i would have continued to think that weight loss surgery was an unrealistic and way too drastic to seriously consider for myself. In some way i thought she would help me accept myself just the way i was, instead pushing the envelope on losing weight and feeling better about my appearance atleast. So i was aghast that she should suggest it and felt that she was being insensitive at the time. To her credit she has tried to help me lose the weight by more natural means like diet and exercise, even if it was just itty bitty steps, but i've been very poor at sticking with them. It was just getting to the point of where i am now, an utter indifference to whole idea.
After much denial and pondering over it a while i feel like she came to this decision of surgery because however i would like to try and ignore it, i will always have an issue with my weight and that it is and always will be one of the core reasons for my depression and anxiety.
At first i told her i wasn't interested, the idea just wasn't clicking with me and i frankly was not interested in weight loss surgery and much less losing weight. Eventually coming around to the idea of my own accord, i came back to her after a couple of months and had somehow gotten my head around making this decision more about my well-being internally rather than externally. I'm far from being a guru on my own issues. I feel like i'm in a deep state of denial and wish to ignore my poor state of health which i know will only keep getting worse. I don't mean to undermine anybody or be so melodramatic, but i would compare it to someone who needs to be 'force-fed' with a tube to keep them alive, except the procedure is opposite for me .. The procedure would be to help me lose weight and maybe in some small but significant measure help me change my lifestyle towards the more positive.
It's going to be a huge risk to take, a huge one also considering that i don't feel exactly tip-top emotionally or mentally. I realize i will have to go from being disconnected with the way i've been living my life and reconnect again with the responsibility i have to take on that this surgery will bring. I find it a struggle to even write this since it does take a fair amount of allowing myself to be 'connected' again with people and with myself. I have let obscurity and this eating disorder take over my so-called life that i'm barely functioning. I don't go to school anymore, i don't have a job anymore, barely see my family, barely see my friends.. what's left of them. I believe i will keep going this way if i don't take such a drastic leap of faith and i believe this is the leap of faith i have to make. But i've yet to see the consultants about that, we'll see what they have to say first.. will they let me ? I certainly don't expect it to be a quick fix by any means but i hope it will help me along in kickstarting my life again.
Sheesh. Thanks for staying to 'hear' me yabber on if you have..
And thanks for your reply Omega and kakutzi. There's a fair bit to take in on this site but it's obviously an abundant source of information, experience and understanding, i'll def make sure to read up on as many posts as i can, it's going to be interesting and enlightening to hear about how other folks are doing on their own journey..
Raison
