ups and downs and shifting around

SoSel

SoSel

New member
"ups and downs and shifting around"

This is how I see it. My weight is up, my mood is down, and I gotta work on 180'ing myself so I feel better again. (ha ha! Ironically, 180 is my middle goal!)

I had dinner with a friend last night that I had not seen in 8 years. Of course, she had to know all about my life to this point from where we left off. And, while talking, I realized something fundamental about all the stress I have put on myself to lose weight. I used to weight about 160 in high school, when she last saw me. So I have gained 30 lbs, and, to her, I look the same. I am pushing myself to 140 and my hubby and the doctor are pushing me to 130. So the pushing is over! My first goal is to see myself at 160 again. That is my dream. Yes, no denying it anymore. 140 used to be my dream. Now I realize that worrying about 50 lbs has held me captive. I have worried more about numbers than anything. No more! I free myself from that! 160 and we're back to high school. Most women would love that.

I'll leave that as my intro for today. It wasn't clever or witty, but it means something to me. Like a pact to myself to chill out and relax. You only live once, right?
 
Having it mean something to you is what this diary is all about - it's your thoughts and your journey... I think you've got a great set of goals in front of you and I think you've got it within you to achieve them..

I can't wait to see that happen :D
 
i think its wonderful you have come to a goal that suits you best. i completely agree with you...do what satisfies you. if you find yourself comfortable at that weight that's awesome.

so i wish you the best of luck for reaching your new goal.

Lena
 
lena410 said:
i think its wonderful you have come to a goal that suits you best. i completely agree with you...do what satisfies you. if you find yourself comfortable at that weight that's awesome.

so i wish you the best of luck for reaching your new goal.

Lena
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In a way, I'm giving myself an option. I can go back to 160 and be happy. But I can always shoot for 140 after the fact. And since I am short, 130 may be in the cards for me one day. I just don't want want the drama and the dissapointment of really high standards.
 
Hey you - I think you ahve the right attitude - get to 160 first and see how you feel...then go from there...that has been my problem Ive been to worried abt the numbers - Im not loosing but I am still loosing inches and body fat so that is good...

Your last pic in your old diary looked good - much better from that previous one...you will so do this girl !!! I have faith in you and congrats on the new space!!!
 
It's Saturday morning and it's nice here in SC. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bugs are swarming, the grass is wilting in the Southern sun-death-rays, and not a cloud in the sky.... Home is one of my greatest joys.

I have nothing to really report on weight-loss. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to drink much much much more water and eat FRESH fruits and veggies. Same thing I did in January to help me lose weight. Go to Curves, walk around my neighborhood, get active in yardwork. All that talk that needs to be done and not just thought about.

The scale said 198 this morning. The lowest it read in my weight loss struggles since Dec was 189. I got some more shifting to do.

Anyway- time for me to get up and do something!
 
Sounds like you have the perfect perception! At work we try to think in SMART goals... (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Timely) all I could think about when reading you were going for 160 instead of 140 is that you were setting a SMART goal that was more achievable at the moment. You can always readjust later. I think this is great. I too get overwhelmed when I think about how much I want to lose or need to lose to be what the charts say I should be to be in the best health.

Good luck! & yeah most of us would love to be the same size we were in high school!

Have fun with the beautiful day!
 
Ah... Memorial Day. It's really a somber day- or it should be- but I can't help being excited about my little get-together that's growing at an alarming rate. I suppose that being an Army wife, whose husband has survived 15 months in Iraq, I have a reason to be so happy. He's home. And my heart does go out to all the fallen soldiers and their families. My great-uncle was one.

On a lighter note, before I depress myself, I am really looking foward to this evening. Friends and family (to me, they're interchangable) will be in our cramped little house tonight having a wonderful time "fellowshipping." I'm Southern Baptist and have been raised to believe that "fellowshipping" is eating and talking... he he. And since Curves is closed today, my exercise for the day will be aerobic house-cleaning (bend down, pick up), re-arranging furniture, high-speed dishwashing, full-contact children wrestling (there will be 7 kids here- lol!), and, of course, trying on half of what I own to look nice tonight. :p
 
I can't seem to help myself- I feel so sad. My hubby has been MEAN to me for over a week now. He yells at me, talks down to me, lies to me (when we both know it), and ignores me. He has been Prince Charming to everyone else, though. He used to be a salesman. Well, his sister told me that he thinks I'm going to leave him and he'd rather not stick around for that to happen. Ok. So I asked him this morning if he was worried I'd leave. He said no in a believable voice. Then he got a little pissy and wanted to know why I'd think that. (the temper again!) So, instead of covering tracks communication-wise, I told him his sister told me. He grunted. So I had to know... I asked him why he's been so mean to me. And no answer. I'm doing everything in my power to hold my head up and not just assume the problem is me. I do that ALL the time.
Trying to be a good wife, I gave him a back rub, thinking he'd open up and soften. Instead, he fell asleep. I really felt like throwing up after that (that uh-oh feeling in your tummy). I feel like something is incredibly wrong between us.

He expects so much from me. He wants the house clean, the kids taken care of, all the family details handled (down to the last drop), decisions made... you name it. (He used to be involved.) And just recently he told me that he'd like to see me really skinny (smaller than the 140 I was when we met!). If I show emotion- tears, anger, anxiety- he gets mad at me. He has never held me while I cried, since we've been married- 7 years. He has to love me. We have been through so much together and we've thought about our future so much. I'm so scared. I'm losing him inside the marriage. I took my vows seriously and I'm so tired of fighting for him. He really doesn't act like he cares. I go out and drink, guys flirt with me, I'm constantly buying new clothes, whatever. He doesn't notice, he doesn't get jealous. Am I just lucky? I don't hide anything. He hides A LOT. I guess the absence of concern might be like the absence of a guilty conscious on his part. Maybe.

I'm young and confused, there's no denying that. But real love is real love no matter what, right?
 
Im prob the most pestimistic one to be commenting ont his...I I always thought love was love nad worth fighting for and blah blah blah - the sad realization I had to come to was my x never loved me - how could he have when he treated me as he did and the kids - and so on...He treated me as you describe your hubby treating you...its no way to live your livfe you knwo that...Im here for you...SOrry I cant help much all I cna do is give you a great big squishy hug!!!
 
cinderelly said:
Im prob the most pestimistic one to be commenting ont his...I I always thought love was love nad worth fighting for and blah blah blah - the sad realization I had to come to was my x never loved me - how could he have when he treated me as he did and the kids - and so on...He treated me as you describe your hubby treating you...its no way to live your livfe you knwo that...Im here for you...SOrry I cant help much all I cna do is give you a great big squishy hug!!!
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With your ex, did he ever cycle around and play Prince Charming for a while? I mean, he puts me through the same crap even while he's nice, but sometimes he pretends to be really caring. And it's kinda fake and creepy, but I'm always thinking his heart will melt and he'll care for me. These cycles of his are what keep me in the marriage. Makes it look like I can get my hopes up, then he goes back to his old self. ::sighs::
 
We just got home from a weekend at the lake. A VERY last-minute plan. Not any better or any worse for going. Not good, not bad, that sorta thing. I tried my best to give my husband some space so he could fish, but I don't see why I have to ALWAYS watch the kids. We fight about that a lot. He doesn't do anything anymore. He used to help me clean or take care of the kids without being asked. Now I have to ask for help and he complains. Oh. This is turning into a hubby rant and I'd rather it not.

The scale read 199 this morning. Ugh! I just can't seem to keep my weight down and keep losing. Gotta rev up my metabolism. More gym time, walks, water, healthy foods, and whatever else I can think of. Time to chunk that ice cream in the freezer. I really really wanted to be a size 14 this summer. Instead I managed to fill back into my 18's. I can blame some of it on being sad, some of it on apathy, and the rest on my poor choices. Why is it that it is so easy to NOT exercise?
 
SoSel said:
With your ex, did he ever cycle around and play Prince Charming for a while? I mean, he puts me through the same crap even while he's nice, but sometimes he pretends to be really caring. And it's kinda fake and creepy, but I'm always thinking his heart will melt and he'll care for me. These cycles of his are what keep me in the marriage. Makes it look like I can get my hopes up, then he goes back to his old self. ::sighs::
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yes - I always had high hopes and hung on for a looong time even after he left the kids and I - it was a looong loong looong road but I finally realized that it was manipulation and control and that he had no good intentions...plus like you I always had the kids and did everythign not how I wanted to continue to live my life...

SoSel said:
We just got home from a weekend at the lake. A VERY last-minute plan. Not any better or any worse for going. Not good, not bad, that sorta thing. I tried my best to give my husband some space so he could fish, but I don't see why I have to ALWAYS watch the kids. We fight about that a lot. He doesn't do anything anymore. He used to help me clean or take care of the kids without being asked. Now I have to ask for help and he complains. Oh. This is turning into a hubby rant and I'd rather it not.

The scale read 199 this morning. Ugh! I just can't seem to keep my weight down and keep losing. Gotta rev up my metabolism. More gym time, walks, water, healthy foods, and whatever else I can think of. Time to chunk that ice cream in the freezer. I really really wanted to be a size 14 this summer. Instead I managed to fill back into my 18's. I can blame some of it on being sad, some of it on apathy, and the rest on my poor choices. Why is it that it is so easy to NOT exercise?
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Well Im sorry your hubby is an ass and exercise just sucks - LOL !!! But it makes us feel good and aids in weight loss along with a good diet so what choice do we have but to exercise!!!
 
Something feels so wrong with me. It's going to sound melodramatic, but I want to put my thoughts down and be done with them.

I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant. In the first dream, I was approached by an old Indian (as in India, not Native American) lady who told me I was pregnant. I looked down and my stomach was flat, but I knew she was right. Last night I dreamed that my belly was growing, and I was pregnant and scared. I know I've had other pregnant dreams in the meantime, but I can't remember specifics. The first one was so vivid. I woke up terrified. What I don't like about the dreams is that I'm scared to be pregnant. I wake up feeling so awful.

I have also been eating everything in sight. Ugh. Impulse over-eating really sucks because I feel sick a lot.

Don't go saying that I'm prego just yet! I had my tubes tied 3 1/2 years ago. I have since found out that I have pre-cervical cancer, among other complications, that would make it hard to carry a child. Delivery would have to be a c-section. I've had 2 already b/c my kids were so large. (daughter- 9lbs, son- 10 lbs 8 ozs) ::shudders::

It might not mean anything. I truly hope it doesn't. Unfortunately, I take stock in my dreams. I told my neighbor what her baby's gender was when she got pregnant, I knew my own kid's gender too, and I see a lot of things before they happen. (some call it premonitions. my mom gets them too, but she calls them lucky guesses, with the theory that you know someone well enough to guess what will come next.) I don't know or care. But I don't like dreaming about being pregnant and scared. I don't like eating this much. And I do NOT feel even remotely pregnant.

So, I said it. I don't exactly feel better. I actually feel foolish. Anyone else out there ever had this happen?
 
SoSel, I cant really help you with your last post. I've had dreams like that as well, but not been pregnant. I knew when I was pregnant pretty much within days of being pregnant. I had to wait three weeks to take the test. And I was certain both mine were girls. But that's a 50/50 chance anyway. I don't believe in premonition exactly because anyone can be right under the right circumstances. However, that's not the reason I'm posting either.

I wanted to post because I stayed in a bad marriage that was detrimental to my health. My ex was an alcoholic. He never hit me, but he'd be more than happy to come home drunk and scream at me until 5 or 6 in the morning. Other times, he was so sweet. Bringing me roses and asking about my day, just generally being interested in me. I look back and see that as being fake. I don't think now he ever really listened to what I said, just was asking to make me feel "safe" enough to stay.

I almost ended my life. I was to the point of trying to commit suicide. Thankfully, as I sat there in the bathtub with a razor I though, why the hell am I going to do this? He's not worth my life. This was already past the point where we weren't even sharing a room anymore. My daughter and I were sharing a room. He couldn't yell at me as easily if I was sleeping in the same room as a small child. So, anyway, I got out of the bathtub. At that point for me, my marriage was over. A week later he walked out on me and I came home to find a note saying "have a nice life". I cried and cried because he was finally really and truly gone! I wasn't sad, I was releived. My sister came over and the first thing I said to her when she saw me crying was "He's finally gone!!". He tried to come back after that since I'd let him come back before, but after the almost suicide, there was no way I would. Before that, I would have.

That week after the bathtub, I didn't care what he did, where he went, if he'd ever be home, and he noticed. I know he noticed because that week he was nicer to me than anytime in our entire marriage. But I knew he was only being nice to "win me over" again. After a week, he must have realized it wouldnt work, leading to the walking out. Had he yelled at me during that last week, I'm sure I would have turned and shut the bedroom door in his face. If I had done that, it may have turned physical (as it has with his next two wives), but I was done at that point. I had taken my life back. I was in control of me again and never again will I give someone else control of my life.

Your situation isn't mine, but sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes you've just got to put your foot down and say how it's going to be. Take stock and ask how this marriage makes you feel? Is that how you want to feel? Take your happiness into your hands, don't rely on him for it because he can't make you happy anyway. It's in your hands to choose.

Also, I dont know your past with him. If this is temporary and he just needs to get his head on straight, then suggest seeing a counselor together. It can't hurt and might just help.
 
notme said:
SoSel, I cant really help you with your last post. I've had dreams like that as well, but not been pregnant. I knew when I was pregnant pretty much within days of being pregnant. I had to wait three weeks to take the test. And I was certain both mine were girls. But that's a 50/50 chance anyway. I don't believe in premonition exactly because anyone can be right under the right circumstances. However, that's not the reason I'm posting either.

I wanted to post because I stayed in a bad marriage that was detrimental to my health. My ex was an alcoholic. He never hit me, but he'd be more than happy to come home drunk and scream at me until 5 or 6 in the morning. Other times, he was so sweet. Bringing me roses and asking about my day, just generally being interested in me. I look back and see that as being fake. I don't think now he ever really listened to what I said, just was asking to make me feel "safe" enough to stay.

I almost ended my life. I was to the point of trying to commit suicide. Thankfully, as I sat there in the bathtub with a razor I though, why the hell am I going to do this? He's not worth my life. This was already past the point where we weren't even sharing a room anymore. My daughter and I were sharing a room. He couldn't yell at me as easily if I was sleeping in the same room as a small child. So, anyway, I got out of the bathtub. At that point for me, my marriage was over. A week later he walked out on me and I came home to find a note saying "have a nice life". I cried and cried because he was finally really and truly gone! I wasn't sad, I was releived. My sister came over and the first thing I said to her when she saw me crying was "He's finally gone!!". He tried to come back after that since I'd let him come back before, but after the almost suicide, there was no way I would. Before that, I would have.

That week after the bathtub, I didn't care what he did, where he went, if he'd ever be home, and he noticed. I know he noticed because that week he was nicer to me than anytime in our entire marriage. But I knew he was only being nice to "win me over" again. After a week, he must have realized it wouldnt work, leading to the walking out. Had he yelled at me during that last week, I'm sure I would have turned and shut the bedroom door in his face. If I had done that, it may have turned physical (as it has with his next two wives), but I was done at that point. I had taken my life back. I was in control of me again and never again will I give someone else control of my life.

Your situation isn't mine, but sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes you've just got to put your foot down and say how it's going to be. Take stock and ask how this marriage makes you feel? Is that how you want to feel? Take your happiness into your hands, don't rely on him for it because he can't make you happy anyway. It's in your hands to choose.

Also, I dont know your past with him. If this is temporary and he just needs to get his head on straight, then suggest seeing a counselor together. It can't hurt and might just help.
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In my marriage, every single thing is my fault. My husband doesn't apologize anymore. If we're arguing and I show evidence that he is wrong, he starts blaming random things on me to make himself look innocent (or not as bad in comparison). He knows what hurts me the most (not going to college, being overweight, losing old "friends" from the past, etc.) and constantly throws it at me. My job is to cook, clean, take care of the kids, stay home (unless I complain about it- then I should have been out!), and all that old-fashioned house-wifey stuff. It works for some, but I really want a career once my kids are in school. Point is, he constantly talks down to me. If I try to step-up to him, he attacks me verbally. My father treats me the same way.

My hubby has been violent in the past. It has been about 2 years since he's hurt me physically. I had him arrested once but dropped the charges. I was young, we had a baby, my parents treat me no differently than he would, and I felt trapped. I made a deal with him to join the military or I would leave. I thought they would fix him. Then he deployed for 15 months. I don't have my husband anymore. All the illusion has been lost. He's a monster, constantly getting angry, yelling and cussing.

We tried marriage counseling one time. I had a friend baby-sit and she agreed to for 2 hours, but she had to do something else later. I went to the appointment, met my hubby, and we did our thing. I had to leave early (I thought the appointment would only be an hour!) and my husband has refused to go back since then. He said I did that on purpose, knowing full well that I HAD to get our kids. Once again, my fault.

He drains me. He makes me so happy when I'm in his good graces, but I'm there less and less. I don't think he's cheating and I know he's depressed. I can not emotionally handle my problems and his and being constantly told that I am the source of every problem.

I'm just so scared that no one else will ever want me. Like he's right and I really am a hope-less scre-up. I haven't been to college yet. How can I afford kids? My family isn't willing to help. (Yes, I've asked) I've been working on an escape route for years, all the while praying and adjusting to his moods, hoping he will come to love me for who I am like he once vowed to do. Because I love him.
 
SoSel said:
Something feels so wrong with me. It's going to sound melodramatic, but I want to put my thoughts down and be done with them.

I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant. In the first dream, I was approached by an old Indian (as in India, not Native American) lady who told me I was pregnant. I looked down and my stomach was flat, but I knew she was right. Last night I dreamed that my belly was growing, and I was pregnant and scared. I know I've had other pregnant dreams in the meantime, but I can't remember specifics. The first one was so vivid. I woke up terrified. What I don't like about the dreams is that I'm scared to be pregnant. I wake up feeling so awful.

I have also been eating everything in sight. Ugh. Impulse over-eating really sucks because I feel sick a lot.

Don't go saying that I'm prego just yet! I had my tubes tied 3 1/2 years ago. I have since found out that I have pre-cervical cancer, among other complications, that would make it hard to carry a child. Delivery would have to be a c-section. I've had 2 already b/c my kids were so large. (daughter- 9lbs, son- 10 lbs 8 ozs) ::shudders::

It might not mean anything. I truly hope it doesn't. Unfortunately, I take stock in my dreams. I told my neighbor what her baby's gender was when she got pregnant, I knew my own kid's gender too, and I see a lot of things before they happen. (some call it premonitions. my mom gets them too, but she calls them lucky guesses, with the theory that you know someone well enough to guess what will come next.) I don't know or care. But I don't like dreaming about being pregnant and scared. I don't like eating this much. And I do NOT feel even remotely pregnant.

So, I said it. I don't exactly feel better. I actually feel foolish. Anyone else out there ever had this happen?
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Dont feel foolish - I can predict thigns before they happen alot of times and I have dreams and consider them preminissions...and holy rap your kids were big - my oldest was 8-3 and my youngest was 6'9...quite the size difference - I was pretty damn sicka nd hardly gained any weight but she seemed so little in comparrision to my oldest...Have you looke dinto your dream anymore ???

SoSel said:
In my marriage, every single thing is my fault. My husband doesn't apologize anymore. If we're arguing and I show evidence that he is wrong, he starts blaming random things on me to make himself look innocent (or not as bad in comparison). He knows what hurts me the most (not going to college, being overweight, losing old "friends" from the past, etc.) and constantly throws it at me. My job is to cook, clean, take care of the kids, stay home (unless I complain about it- then I should have been out!), and all that old-fashioned house-wifey stuff. It works for some, but I really want a career once my kids are in school. Point is, he constantly talks down to me. If I try to step-up to him, he attacks me verbally. My father treats me the same way.

My hubby has been violent in the past. It has been about 2 years since he's hurt me physically. I had him arrested once but dropped the charges. I was young, we had a baby, my parents treat me no differently than he would, and I felt trapped. I made a deal with him to join the military or I would leave. I thought they would fix him. Then he deployed for 15 months. I don't have my husband anymore. All the illusion has been lost. He's a monster, constantly getting angry, yelling and cussing.

We tried marriage counseling one time. I had a friend baby-sit and she agreed to for 2 hours, but she had to do something else later. I went to the appointment, met my hubby, and we did our thing. I had to leave early (I thought the appointment would only be an hour!) and my husband has refused to go back since then. He said I did that on purpose, knowing full well that I HAD to get our kids. Once again, my fault.

He drains me. He makes me so happy when I'm in his good graces, but I'm there less and less. I don't think he's cheating and I know he's depressed. I can not emotionally handle my problems and his and being constantly told that I am the source of every problem.

I'm just so scared that no one else will ever want me. Like he's right and I really am a hope-less scre-up. I haven't been to college yet. How can I afford kids? My family isn't willing to help. (Yes, I've asked) I've been working on an escape route for years, all the while praying and adjusting to his moods, hoping he will come to love me for who I am like he once vowed to do. Because I love him.
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Oh honey - of course someone else will love you - that is his control and manipulation over you - to make you feel worthless so you wont go anywhere or do anything - that is how he keeps you...lots of ppl move on from bad marriages and relationships and find happiness with or without kids - the right man will love you for youa nd only you and accept you as you are...

My x verbally beat all that into me as well and when I end things he never truly believes me - I did love my x - with every oz of me - that is why I had a child with him but he didnt love me it was obvious...Once he signed those papers for me that was it - somethign clicked inside me and I am now free never agian will I talk to him by choice or allow him to re-enter my life - it is over and he is gone and for the first time in 3 years I am happy about that - I feel free and happy and ya knwo what I will move on one day when I am ready and I have no doubt in ym mind hta ti will find a man tha twill love me and accept me and my kids as a unit...now had you asked me that 6 months ago - I wouldnt have beleived it...

You would be amazed at what you can do when faced with no other options...but only you can make that choice - also for me I always thought I had failed - you arent the failure and it isnt your fault - he is and has failed you!!!

If my situation was different and we lived closer I would give you your kids anything I had and you could come here :):):) Ive been were you are I just wasnt married - I might as well ahd been with how long it took me to straighten up my life after we left...ie medical and such...

We all deserve happiness!!!
 
The yelling... blaming you, I dont think that'll stop, especially since you've reported your history with him.

If you leave, and your a stay at home mom, you'll likely get the kids. Does he make enough for you to live on the child support and a part time job? Is there a domestic abuse shelter in your area that would help you get started? Verbal abuse IS abuse, too.

My ex blamed me for anything he could pin on me. Anything, from why I was wearing a jacket even to why I talked to my sister/mom/dad/family member on the phone for more than 5 min. He was wrong for what he did. And your husband is wrong for what he is doing to you.

When he starts to verbally attack you, is there anything you do to stop him? This may sound rediculous, but I can make myself cry on demand now because of my marriage. If I cried, he'd stop yelling at me. But then, my crying was showing him he had control over me, so I didn't want to do it, but yet I knew if I did, I'd at least be able to go to sleep. These short term stops (my crying to end the yelling) really only made things worse for me in the end. Each time, he felt more in control of me, and each time I relinquished some control to him.

Walk away, lock yourself in the bathroom till he stops. Do anything you can and make it clear you wont speak to him when he treats you that way. You do NOT deserve it. I know what I just said isn't easy, just turning away from his anger will be difficult, I know it. But in the end, you'll have you back.
 
Ok, I'm gonna try to answer both you ladies in one post. There's so much floating around in my head though.

I know that it would be hard, very hard, to leave my husband. My plan was to finish college, and Germany is throwing me off. He wants us to go. I wonder if he's trying to keep me out of school? It's real confusing. I also know I will get the kids. No big deal. I have no criminal record. His was cleared up to the FBI, but there is still a mark on his record. It's there. Plus the millions of character witnesses. He's already being monitored at work. I kinda saw to that- on accident. I told his best friend's wife some things that he did. She told her hubby and they are having him watched at work. So the proof is out there. And yes, I'm a stay-at-home Mom. But I don't mind working, I'm fairly intelligent (3.9 GPA in college, I have a year in), and I can make a dollar stretch like no other. ::grins:: I'd love to be an an accountant or small-business owner or both!

There is no getting away from his temper anymore. Recently, we had a fight about something (in which my anger WAS justified, it wasn't something stupid), and he packed the kids in his car to leave. I got the kids, ran to my daughter's room, and barricaded us in (just in case). He left, came back about 15 minutes later, and things were back to normal in no time. I pretended that things were cool. What choice do I have? I don't press issues anymore. And if I cry, he avoids me. Even if I'm crying b/c I'm hurt, he just leaves. He hasn't held me while I cried since we were dating. He wants to be single (he tells people this), and he resents our second child, even though we had a son and our first was a daughter.

He wants me skinny, like really skinny. He's always checking out skinny girls. I NEVER was skinny. Why didn't he pick what he wanted to begin with!? I think he cheated on me while he was in Iraq (I have something close to proof)- and after- but I don't think he can now. Hard to explain why without embaressing myself too. Cheating would be better than what he does to me. I could leave a cheater easier than having to deal with this emotional go-around.

Plus, I am MARRIED. Vows under God. And as much as I pray, God won't tell me whether it's ok to move on or not. My best friend, a devout Catholic, says I shouldn't. Of course, she also THREW A FIT when I tied my tubes. Ha! Best thing I ever did. ::laughs:: Anyway, my ob recommended it after I came up with pre-cervical cancer.

As for the dream, I have no idea. It hasn't returned to me that I can tell. I've just never dreamed about being prego when i wasn't. But maybe it's not me.... I pick up on things I'm not supposed to, always have. ::shrugs:: Whoever it is, is scared, and that bothers me.

Well, in the end, it appears that I'm gonna hafta snap and take charge.

And my Cinderelly, thanks for the offer. ::hugs:: I'm a helper too. It's nice meeting others.
And Notme, thanks for the advice. :] I'm worried I'm a whiner. You ladies are showing me I'm not. It's a real problem. I'm flippin' brain-washed, I guess.
 
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