up and downs

C

crystaleyes

New member
something about this scares me. there's always a chance that this will last only another week or a few more days and something inside of me will curl up and i'll give up and stop trying...but its what might happen if i don't stick with this, that really scares me. i don't want to die. not like this..not because i'm drowning in fat. i don't want to be one of those women riding around walmart in the electric carts, with my rear hanging 5 inches over on each side and an oxygen tank in the front. i don't want to deal with my body's size crushing me, crippling me...making walking impossible because it hurts to damn much....no i want to dance and run and live...i want to live. i want to have fun again and not waste away on the sofa. i can do this. this first week hasn't been all that bad...sure i've thought a few times about eating the roses off of the fake cake in the bakery but i didn't. and i really love veggies....i think salads are my brand of heroin. i don't really miss the sodas so much...and i'm saving money by not pumping quarters into the machines 3 times a day. okay four times a day...can't forget the honey buns. and by packing a good lunch, i don't run the chance of eating from the deli or one of the surrounding restraunts. so i can do this. this time its for me...not to make my mom proud or to fit in with my thinner friends...this is all about me. and i've already had a few laughs...who knew spinach would turn your poop neon green, lol.....gross i know, but i'll take my laughs where i can get them. this is a good day. i'm happy...i'm up...i'm not crying or wishing i were dead...so today is a real good day.
the only thing that worries me...is that my doctor didn't really explain to me that my thyroid being so sluggish could be responsible for depression as well...he didn't really say anything about any of the side effects except for not being able to lose weight...i see the new doctor in Feb. so maybe...she'll be more thorough. i think i'm going to ask santa for a pink ipod filled with all kinds of music to get my rear in gear...along with an excercise bike...but that eliptical machine is looking pretty good and the price is right. who knows...maybe after this is all said and done, i'll be able to wear pink and not look like a giant shmoo. a girl can only wear so much black but then again...my little black dress will actually be little. okay i can so do this!
 
Hey, welcome to W-L :)

GREAT first entry in your journal/diary. Totally had me laughing :)

"something about this scares me. there's always a chance that this will last only another week or a few more days and something inside of me will curl up and i'll give up and stop trying." I'm pretty sure we all have these fears. I started this new lifestyle about 3 months ago and I STILL have those fears. But you're absolutely correct. The biggest fear is reaching a weight that stops us from doing normal, every-day things.

What have you been doing for exercise? Do you record what you eat? If not, I really recommend Sparkpeople.com :)

Anyway, you seem to be on the right track. Keep it up :)
 
is this a good idea??

i'm keeping an food journal...writing down anything and everything that goes in my mouth, including the big cookie i split with my son but i have started exercising yet. my theory is...i start dieting and exercising on the same day and i overwhelm myself and get frustrated. these are times when i often fail because i'm not as agile as i use to be and i find that i turn to food when i fail. i figured i should start one...the nutrition change and get the sugar dts and stress out of the way and after 30 days, add the exercise. maybe if conquer one demon first...the next won't be so hard. i remember in my twenties, i put in 5 hours a day but then i was starving and that kept me from thinking about the food i wasn't eating. i don't want to do that again. one more serious bout of ana/mia and i'm pretty sure....it'll be the end of me. i'm not the same person as i was then. i'm not surrounded by the same people so i'm not desperate for the approval and the attention that my new body brought. i'm pretty secure in myself...most days....so maybe my brain will win this time. i have to eat...i have to eat better. no more cake frosting for dinner....or big macs. i know, i'll have to allow myself an occassional treat....once in a while although i don't know how often...right now, its only on paydays which is every two weeks. time to make dinner....i'm going to purchase a food scale...so i can stop guessing at it. off to a good start so far though. my victories may be small but they are still victories. that's all that matters.
 
thought i was going to chew a hole in the wall today. skimped on breakfast cause its right before payday and i don't have much kicking around the kitch...and i held off on lunch cause i knew i'd leave work at 1 and who wants to eat lunch at 9 am?? had a turkey burger pattie..so i feel pretty good but i think my stomach is hip to whats up because now, it wants to complain....i'm not getting enough food, never mind the fact that i'm the size of your head....:willy_nilly: it can groan and complain all it wants to...it's cut off...no more eating until i'm so full, i could burst. i saw something on tv that said fat holds toxins inside of your body and i have this huge belly hanging in front of me that is full of poison...i'm amazed i'm not dead. i hate that feeling when i walk, of my stomach bumping against the tops of my thighs like an apron whose pockets are stuffed to overflowing. i dream of the day when i can walk into a plastic surgeons office and have it cut off. a flat....well flatter stomach that doesn't hang over my legs like some drooping glob of flesh. i have a realistic picture of what i look like now, and daily reminders of where i could end up....but what is stronger is that image in my head of the me i could have been had food not been so important. that pretty girl with long dark hair and a big smile with long legs and a flat tummy. she's still in there...she's been there, silent all these years...waiting for her chance to live and damn it, i'm going to give her the chance. i really want that exercise bike now...i need something to take my mind off of that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. i still get hungry even though i've eaten.:piggy:and it is tempting to go stuff something in my mouth...especially something sweet...sweets are my downfall...i'm a cake girl..cake, pie, frosting, brownies....mmmmm brownies...stop it!!! i don't think i'll ever beat my addiction to sweets. but i can and will control it. i hope. i'm going to go to the sports shop that sells used exercise stuff and see if i can find a reasonably priced whatever so that i can start building up the cardio and stop struggling to pick up the fifty pound bags of potatos at work. time for housework.
 
Hi Crystal,
Glad to see that you took my advice and started a journal. I love your entries. So to the point and true.
I can say that I understand/agree with most of the stuff you have pointed out.
Hope you had good luck getting the exercise equipment that you wanted.
Real quick, make sure your getting plenty of water. Sometimes when we don't get enough water our body fools us into thinking that we are hungry when we are in fact dehydrated.
Keep at it.
Ciao
 
Well I tried to give you some rep and somehow I hit the enter button 1/2 way thru. So if it looks really weird sorry! LOL :smilielol5:
 
i have so much energy today!!!its crazy, i feel like i'm bouncing off the walls and i'm chomping at the bit to do something so i think i'm going to do one of my dvds...i have the biggest loser work out and a walk away the pounds. my blood pressure medication sucks...i have to pee all of the time and its hard to drink enough water to make sure i don't dry out....:ack2:so don't like water but its important:ack2:want to go shopping with mj but we don't have matching days off for the next couple of weeks and mj is trying to lose weight too...she wants to wear a size 14 pants and i think it would help her knees...i've also decided to donate a dollar for every pound i lose to the children's miracle network...so once a month...i'm forking over the dough. it's great that i've lost 14 pounds so far and its only been a week but i'm not going to get too excited and think the whole trip is going to be this easy slide down the chart. i know that there will be harder times ahead, plateaus and maybe even a few gained back pounds so i want to be ready for that. i wasn't easy the first time and it certainly won't be easy this time. but that's okay. its weird..it has been 15 years since i was last thinner and i was a totally different person then....i was hanging out with christine and going to the club every weekend and people knew me as Buffy. No one's called me Buffy in a while and I have a son and i haven't been to the club in forever. i have a few good friends but my life doesn't involve trying to impress them. i think some of the relationships i've had in the past few years pushed me to the place i am now. Tammy only wanted to be friends with me because she needed someone. her husband threw her out and she needed a place to stay...she needed me to help her get her job back...once that was over....she stabbed me in the back. and it wasn't like i didn't have enough drama to keep her busy...what was i thinking, falling all over myself to make him like me?? he has a wife and i don't care how miserable he is...it doesn't make cheating on her right. if i had slept with him, i think i'd feel worse than i do now and in my defense, i didn't know there was a wife until four months into our friendship and he didn't tell me. he lied to me from the beginning and i kept accepting his apologies and thinking that he really did give a shyt about me but in truth....he wanted a ho and that's just something i'm not. i didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me...he didn't want the skinny, hot twenty somethings knowing he was drooling over the fat, weird chick. but that didn't give him the right to lie about me to management or make fun of me when they were around. i've wasted 4 years crying over him and caring about him and for what. not a damn thing. you know, its about time i cared for myself. i'm the only person who has consistently been there for me...i don't want tammy in my life....i don't want liars and drama queens sucking the life right out of me...emotional vampires hell bent on destruction. i've been living in misery for four years and it has to stop. my mom, God rest her soul, was right. I do surround myself with people who aren't worth my time or energy. I've been living like i was dead to stay out of his way, i stepped down from my posistion to go back to night shift to make him happy and what did he do for me....nothing. he had my so called bff in the parking lot. i know now...that as long as i allow myself to be miserable...over other people , as long as i blame myself...i'll never be thin and i'll never be happy. He lost his job....that wasn't my fault....and i'm tired, sick and tired of crying over him and that whole sitch....i'm in a new place....i'm free and i don't have to be miserable. and i want to be thin. I am going to be thin.
thanks for the support Bellaryna and Gohomejes.....i really do appreciate it.
 
tried on my goal outfit today and omg!! size 22 my oversized rump....these jeans from steve and barrys are more like a 16. gonna be a while before i can zip them pups up. tried working out today and i think it finally sank in how out of shape i am but i did it...i did the one mile walk...tomorrow...the two mile...i hope...provided my legs don't fall off and believe me, they really want to. argh, kids home......gotta go
 
made dinner...counted up my calories for the day and i'm 400 under the recommended amount...i'm at 800, not 1200 and i just don't know how to squeeze the extra calories in. i'm eating and i'm stuffed but the totals are really low. a whole yellow crookneck squash only has 17 calories...17 fricking calories....fruits and veggies are not overloaded with them and i'm not eating a whole lot of meat...i'm getting my whole grains...this is going to drive me insane. now i know why i've lost 14 pounds in a week...i'm back to restricting by good nutrition....i'm not intentionally cutting my calories...but by eating better....hello freddy kruger:svengo:going to pick up a book on nutrition this weekend...see if that helps...i'm sure they have an idiots guide to nutrition...having one of those moments that makes me want to cry...it's not easy realizing after four years...that i did indeed mean nothing to someone i wasted a huge amount of time on. the realization isn't the painful part...its the wasted time and the fact that i feel really foolish...its like being at a pig party and realizing that the hot guy asked you out because he wanted to win a bet. sucks and i know i'll get over...this is just a scraped knee on my ego but it still sucks and i'm going to take a moment to be pissy. the blue jeans are kind of nibbling at my happiness too. they're a 22 for god's sake....they are no where near a 22...more like a size 16 whose retaining water. i'm okay...really. is it weird to have a friend who only wants to be friends with you if your hung up on some guy because she's hung up on some guy and misery loves company....i hate to say it but i think that's what's going on. i'd like to have one friend who likes me for me....is that so damn hard. my half brother never calls me unless he wants to borrow money..my real mom doesn't call much...most of my friends call me when they want someone to unload on and while i don't mind listening to their problems....who's there to listen to mine? sometimes i love living down here in the boonies...but other times...it feels like a prison and i know,at times, that i'm lonely. i'll be okay. i hate it though when these moments crop up and i feel less that enough but the only person i have to be good enough for is myself...well and my son.
 
hello there and welcome to your diary :)
you CAN do this and you WILL do this. you DESERVE it. and your son deserves to have a healthy mom.

i wasd also going very low on my calories when i first started losing weight. and i felt really good. however after a month or two i started feeling it on my energy level, and i started feeling really bad.
i don't know if you saw the sticky threads at the nutrition section, it will help you in calculating deficit that suits you, and you will see which foods are best to take.

i'm here for you for any support you need :)
 
Hey crystaleyes... I read through your entries. Funny how much of myself I could see in them. But it sounds like you're really making some positive changes-- in your *life* not just your diet. And I think that's really important. Sometimes we sabatoge ourselves without even realizing it. Anyway, I applaud you! Keep up the fight, ok?
 
not my best day...felt like i could gnaw through a steel table but it was treat day so i had a wendy's grilled chicken go wrap and a salad the size of my head. today was kind of a crap day...one of thosedays that would normally make me say screw it and order a bacon cheeseburger but i was good, reasonably good but my stomach is hip to the program and screaming on and off. knew this was going to happen. no way i can go from eating everything, to eating very little and not have the dts. yes food is my brand of heroin. i really would like to have a day off but that doesn't happen for four more days. i could scream.
 
don't worry the stomach will get used to eat. just don't go too low on your calories. do you know how much you should be taking in?
in the beginning what really kinda helped me was figuring out the reasons why i wanted to lose weight but i also the reasons why i didn't. getting into the weight loss is a simple math...but one that includes discipline, learning and most of all acceptance that you cannot change the past, that you cannot change the reasons and problems and food that were triggers for gaining in the first place. but you can change the outcomes, and you can change the way you eat, and you can change your life. one day you will believe it too :)
 
:ack2:i think that sums it up. was good today....had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast...a turkey rollup, cheese stick, no sugar added bread and butter pickle, clementine, 8 grapes for lunch and snack...and a salad with grilled chicken for dinner. bought some of those rice mini cakes for when i crave a crunch...but for some reason i'm craving pizza....i ate a piece of a pepperoni hot pock...like a quarter....in the hopes of killing that craving. its tempting to go out to pizza hut and scarf down half a pizza....but that's not going to happen. there aren't any good reasons for wanting to stay fat....other than i'm too lazy to change. and that's not true...i want to lose this weight, period. monday will end my second week. so far, so good....had a quick weight drop...to be expected....i'm going to have to put in some work....managed to hit the 1200 mark today...thats what my doctor recommended....i don't think he thought i'd start eating mostly veggies and that it takes 18 pounds of squash to make a dent in that number. gonna chill and then redecorate the damn tree....and hope the cat has given up tree climbing:leaving:
 
crystaleyes said:
gonna chill and then redecorate the damn tree....and hope the cat has given up tree climbing:leaving:
Click to expand...
LOL :smilielol5:
I use to have cat that would climb the tree EVERY year! Drove me nuts.
Was hilarious though when you weren't looking for him. Since you would be sitting in the living room with said tree and it would suddenly start shaking like crazy. LOL
I finally outsmart him though. I bought a cheap ornament that was a miniature wind chime. Every time he even attempted to get into the tree the "security system" would start going off. Which of course brought me and he didn't want none of that.
Sounds like you had a great day. Keep up the good work.
It is amazing how how many veggies you need to eat to make up a big dent in calories.
Try thowing in a serving size of almonds. You'll get protein along with some healthy fats plus it is 160 cals for an ounce. One oz is 29 alomonds. Trust me I haved measured them out so many times and it is almost always dead on 29!
Have a great weekend.
 
tried to do some christmas shopping today and wanted to buy myself this really cute pair of fuzzy pjs but i ended up buying a cd for my son...i don't know why i feel quilty when it comes to buying something for myself or why i think i didn't get him enough for christmas. it may not be a huge pile but there's a pretty good chunk of change tied up in it. i may still buy those pjs yet...they were only 15 and it's not like i go crazy for myself this time of year. had the pizza craving again today so i had a lean cuisine personal pizza for din and some squash on the side for crunch. was good today...had half of a brownie puff...took a bite and threw the rest in the trash...i figure one bite won't hurt although...my stomach is howling for food on and off and irritating the crap out of me. it doesn't suprise me..i once weighed 328 pounds....i have a huge stomach... and 1200 calories only fills up a small part of it....i'm sticking it out and trying not to induldge those cravings for the deli chicken and fries. produce is bang next to the deli and the bakery and every morning the smells are enough to make your mouth water....i feel like a labradoodle whose heard the can opener. and speaking of weird animals ....joey the amazing monkey cat...has given up on the tree because i took the ornaments off....now he's on to the roll of paper towels....it looks like he murdered the bounty guy....paper towel shreds all through the house......anybody want a cat????? really cheap:smilielol5:
 
:banghead:well, i'm a cheater....a big fat cheater...,i have no problem with saying i slipped up and had a pig fest....well an extra sandwich and poptarts...not all that monumentous but in a moment of weakness....i slipped. and i know the trick is to pick yourself up and begin again...so i did. and then leaving work.....mcdonalds...i'm proud of myself...i got in my car and drove home...not through the drive thru...but i will be honest...for about five minutes....i really wanted a cheeseburger..it doesn't help that the whole area smells like the darned things...made salmon cakes for dinner...sweet mama..they were good..and such a simple recipe..i'm so glad lisa told me how to make them. packet of salmon, green onion, green pepper, a little egg, crackers or bread crumb, brown them up in the skillet. delish...starting my third week....is there a time limit on cravings...will they ever go away? i could do this if my brain didn't automatically kick in and say...oooh, remember how good that junk is...is there a such thing as a diet labotomy? :banghead: sometimes i think i am my own worst enemy. i like to sabotage myself with the what ifs and why bothers.....well, i'll get over that...like everything else it just takes time
 
people who don't have weight problems also crave :D i stopped craving heavily when i told myself that i didn't give up anything, i'm just making better choices. i have pizza, or a sandwich or cake...but i try and make it part of my meal plan in a healthy way. yell at that voice inside to let go and let the new you step out :)
and treat yourself. better by buying yourself something as a reward then with a cake. the best reward is to do something for yourself. pamper yourself. we all deserve some pampering in life you know. you deserve it :D

as for food i have to say that i honestly think your calorie level is waaaay to low...i am eating 1800-2000 calories per day plus exercising (my current weight is 227lbs, i'm 5,6 and 30 years old). my maintenance calorie level is 2500. with caloric deficit of about 500 calories per day and workouts that burn another 400-500 cals i lose about 2lbs per week which is the best way to go since i wanna make this a life style thing...that is continue to eat like this when i lose the extra extra hehe

1200 calories is the minimum a human body, especially female should get in daily (including the skinny ones). in my opinion you're just torturing yourself like this...just think in 1 months, or 2 months your body is going to get used to having 1200 calories a day and you'll hit the plateau faster than you expected. you don't have to starve in order to lose weight. and you don't have to give up pizza for good, or cake for that matter...you just have to learn to calculate it and make good food choices.

if i were you i would up it a bit and throw some exercise in...walking, lifting light weights (doing weights along with cardio will make you burn more calories).

and think positive :D you CAN do this :D

have a great day
Lena
 
well, diet and exercise be damned, the scale hates me. i'm the only person i know who can eat very little and exercise and gain 2 pounds...which goes to tell me...i'm still not on the right dosage of thyroid medication. i've been through this for the past year...drop weight right off the bat and then gain it all back even though i'm exercising and eating right...which usually ends up with me going back to eating badly and doubling my weight gain. not doing it this time and in Feb. when i go to see my new doctor...maybe she'll have a better solution. i'm not knocking male doctors but half the time when they see me, they think fat chick who sits on the sofa all day and forks down the bon bons....nooo...i work in produce and i work extremely hard...i sling those fifty pound bags of potatos just as well as the guys and i've managed to keep it up even though the medication i'm on makes me tired as hell and in constant pain. i'm only 37...i shouldn't walk like an eighty year old. i exercise....i may not log in hours at the gym but i walk and do my dvd and use my resistance bands. i fight my cravings because i can't have one cheeseburger...it starts out as one and ends up being 6 because my brain never catches on that i'm full...or maybe my stomach never is full. i drink my water...i haven't had a soft drink in weeks and for someone who lives on sugar and caffeine, it's hell. i don't even drink diet sodas. this past year has been an up and down diet hell and constant adjustment on the meds. 15 years ago...eating like this and exercising would have knocked off 20 or more pounds...maybe it is harder as you get older ...and maybe having a hysterectomy makes it harder still. i really hope this new doctor has some better advice or will actually listen to me....if not, i'll find a new one. i may go to the bariatric clinic....don't know if insurance will cover it but i'll find a way to pay for it. i need actual help, not just oh your fat ....so eat 1200 calories a day and watch yourself gain weight...well you must have did it wrong. :icon_bs:
 
yes definitely don't be satisfied with half advice...i sure hope your doctor will provide more help. i noticed that doctors tend to avoid the talk unless you make really concrete questions. also try contacting doctors through internet. i'm sure there are sites you can look up and where there are doctors who actually might answer your questions.
you hang in there.
 
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