I had an extremely interesting morning binge wise.
For the first time I had a major fight with my binge impulse and actually won.
So I want to record this - maybe it will help another time - but the truth is that it's an emotional thing so it's blurry and I don't remember it all properly.
Anyway:
Precursor events
1. Lack of sleep. 2. Negative emotion. 3. High sugar food.
1. Up late, disturbed sleep, up fairly early - tired as! Low energy start to the day watching my daughter dance for her teacher.
2. Emotion - Bit of a blah - Weighing in and being up a pound from last Saturday - that wasn't unexpected and I don't see it as especially meaningful - but it wasn't exactly a mood booster either!
Frustration - Ending up helping my daughter choose a tv aerial, though I hadn't expected to, helping her pay for it as the least of all evils - otherwise the tv she bought with her birthday money wasn't going to work, helping her install it and making the whole thing function though I had never agreed to and had other plans for my time...
3. 500 calories of chocolate before I went to bed. It was too much in one go to count as really responsible eating, but it was deliberate, not eaten in binge fashion. However on my camping holiday I had one single beautifully eaten icecream one day - and that definitely was the start of a whole series of troubles the next day and subsequent days.
Saturday 22 March 2008
I had a normal breakfast at about 8:15, rushed the end of it a bit because of the special dance lesson. I wanted more coffee. I had water with me and I was drinking it. I had a bad taste in my mouth. The lesson finished. I weighed in, came home, recorded the weight quickly, took the girl out to shop and realized I was craving a brunchie.
I still don't know what the calories are in those savoury muffin type things but I've been told straight up that they have a lot of oil in them. I wanted them the way I have wanted high fat foods after drinking too much alcohol the night before. I was thinking maybe I could have one for lunch regardless, but it was only about 10:00 am. It was barely time to justify a morning snack. I knew that wanting the brunchie wasn't because I was hungry. I was walking around trying to help choose tv ears but I wanted to go to sleep. I really wanted to sleep but daytime sleeps are deadly and make my binge eating worse and coffee away from home = cappuccino and cappuccino might just end up feeding the binge impulse. Plus I was feeling queazy, not into coffee.
I was very aware of the precursor things being active - and that having had the chocolate the night before, eating out of line this morning as well could mean the start of a multiple day binge pattern. I haven't done that for a while. I really want to believe I'm past it and continuing to improve the control I have over my impulse eating.
I was trying to work out what it was about that exact food that appealed to me to see if I could get the bit I wanted most, with less calories. After a while I figured out it has fried onions in it. But also carbs. And they
had to be cooked in together. Potentially I could try to bake my own - though my baking is terrible. I could have a muffin, plenty everywhere but shop muffins are gigantic, though not oily and they definitely have a million calories and would make my gut feel heavy and horrible and maybe not stop me wanting a brunchie anyway. And then I decided that there were no substitutes and I was going to get one. However they are only available from one place. I had to still finish shopping where I was and then I was at home for a while helping my daughter. I was almost finished when my husband said he was taking my car to drop my son at his friend's. No, no!! I will take him, yes I will do it instantly.
Then I'm thinking that one of my ideas about how to get past the start of a binge is just wait, and it goes away, but I've had this for hours and it's not going away and it just won't, I know it won't it will go on till it drives me to eat badly. It's only morning, I don't even manage to get past evening binge impulses. No way can I handle a whole long long day of it. I drove him past the shopping centre with the brunchies.
As I got to the shopping centre. I remembered apple pie. So then I started craving apple pie, in that coffee shop next to the brunchie bakery. Like I had in a previous binge. No denying that would be binge territory. I'm also thinking, what about just an apple!! No it has to be with pastry, with carbs and fat mixed. It's nearly lunchtime, what about lunch, nice fresh wholemeal breadrolls with delicious toppings. And how could I have both apple pie and a brunchie, no I don't want both, I just want the apple pie, but I could buy both and keep one for after, oh that would make me feel bad. Blah blah. Dropped my son and I'm headed back towards the shopping centre, which I actually need to go to. I want 3 things from their fruit and vege shop that I won't be able to get good equivalents for elsewhere.
I'm still having a massive fight in my head. I want it. It's only one. It could be my lunch. It's getting later. I would probably see my son's friend working there and that would make me feel bad. I could get a magazine and feel blissful. I wouldn't feel blissful I would just feel miserable and guilty. It wouldn't be lunch, it would be the start of a binge. All the signs are wrong. I hate you.
I hate ... who? Me? I hate me. That is really sad. That is called self pity. People think self pity is pathetic. There is nothing wrong. Things are fine, the sun is shining. My car is working. Well I'm going to the shopping centre anyway, I'm nearly there and somehow that thing has gone - it's gone. It's about 11:45 am. I'm just going to buy breadrolls, lettuce, celery and snow peas. I'm going to go home and have a proper lunch.
What changed?
I don't really know. Maybe just continuing to argue with myself did it? I remember there's something about the analytical thoughtful part of your brain potentially controlling the impulsive bit - and the impulsive bit being in control during addictive behaviours. Maybe arguing on and on, though it feels like torture is actually worth it - stimulating the bit of the brain I need working? Maybe trying to analyze what is going on, is useful - maybe for the result of thinking, or maybe just because it is thinking and that puts more energy into the part of my brain that I need to have working? Maybe I could have just sat down and done a cryptic crossword or some maths and that would have fixed it?
At this time I was thinking I should record the fight I've had with myself because it's so unpleasant doing that, that maybe I could read it another time when I'm contemplating allowing myself some potential binge precursor activity to prevent that! However, I instantly started forgetting it, and now it doesn't seem as much like torture as it felt at the time. Also, I would rather learn how to reliably win the fight afterwards. Maybe now I know that I did at least do it once, I will have a better chance in future. (Hmm. Does hubris mean confidence before failure?)
So the rest of the day was shops, eat celery, more shops (cause I'm out of other veges too), eat healthy lunch (weighed breadroll, cottage cheese, veges strawberries). Ring my sister. (Mental tick on todo list). Comfort sick daughter and do nonphysical thing with her instead of beach. (Boohoo). Eat cheesecake yoghurt. Establish that my husband is going to cook all the dinner all by himself and that it is late enough in the day that if I sleep I can wake up to a substantial meal and not the start of a binge. He might make it too high in calories but it won't be a binge starter.
By then I am just desperate to sleep. No way I'm not going to. I sleep for three hours. Thank goodness.
Eat dinner: Veal with too much cheese grilled on top it. Smallish piece of veal though. Potatoes, not messed with. Carrots and broccoli. Diet coke. Worked out the day's calories. Probably 14-1500. Could stop eating, but not really feeling like I'd had enough - distracted by the fruit bread my husband has bought and opened, releasing it's smell. Checked the calories on it - only 100 per slice and it's a bit dry - slow eating. Ate another cheesecake yoghurt and a slice of the fruit bread and headed for the computer, conscious that I still need the protection it gives me.
I'm not out of the woods. It's still Easter!! But another day down. A bit more progress with the control issues I think.
Another time if I am fighting a binge I will know that I've already won one!! I will know that I can.
Maybe they think you're unhappy with your husband's and will nag him into buying their product...
. Basically, I need to recommit to dealing with it properly but I'm not. 