Thanks everyone. I am not beating myself up. I don’t expect this will make too much difference to the scales over a week either. My concern has always been about controlling my eating and making sure that what I am doing is lasting. I went to bed happy last night because I was already feeling that though this had had happened it had passed and wasn’t going to stop me. I am glad, more than ever, to see all your posts this morning and I'm strengthened by them and I'm looking for maximum strength right now. When I started this at the end of November, I felt nervous and very vulnerable. Week after week I felt less vulnerable! That's a good thing!
It still has to be controlled. The reality of many past failures means I can't afford to ignore warning signs like this. I had a bunch of small warnings leading up to this. I think it's valuable for me to be aware of them. Just like planning for special events, and stressful periods. Now I can try to be very aware of what the warnings were and plan for what to do when I notice them again. I know other people are successful with their weight loss yet have different ways of achieving their weight loss to me. So I am not saying everyone else needs to see their chocolate eating the way I do mine!! I truly can't afford to be casual about it.
I have not forgotten the other 30 odd techniques to lose weight I have commenced and not persisted with. For the most recent (ie - last 10 years worth), I remember how pleased I was with them and what was right with them, how I got more confident that I would succeed, and with hindsight, I can see when I started to fail them. This is the kind of event that can signal the end. Or it can be a great big flashing warning light to mark a rocky place that needs to be avoided. I am not experienced in going on past this stage but I have read enough on these boards to see that it can be done and I don’t see why I can’t.
I do think this is significant so I want to get whatever good value I can get out of it. I can see how it was like other dangerous spots I’ve been in, and I can see what is different about it – what makes me think it’s a blip – not a derailment. I need to know those things. It is like derailment because it was a marked change – a single piece of food that I knew was a problem and had avoided like the plague for some time previously. (Off the top of my head, it was like the first fundraising chocolate, first chocolate éclair, “Favourites” chocolate in one hospital stay, special gift chocolate box chocolate in another, jelly baby on holidays….) It was different in that I didn’t tell myself it was just one, then pause then go back to it. It was different in that I threw out the last of it (in that way it was like the 2 packs of cigarettes I bought after I really had quit smoking). It was different in that I didn’t enjoy it. It was different in that I fought it for longer than most of those things. It was different in that I didn’t think, “Well this isn’t so bad after all….” The two most important things are that I went straight back to eating properly and exercising and that I do have this forum now. I have never had support like this before. I reckon it will work out ok.
As for the warnings – well the ups and downs with the net obscured some of it. Maybe that’s a warning in itself. There were things like eating my daughter’s leftover fish – covered in sugary marinade. Eating “a lot” of steak and not checking how much it was. Getting more and more aware of all the chocolate here (and still not throwing out the bit that was my own.) Eating a fruit muffin (marginally acceptable for me – but eating it when it couldn’t be justified and having another the next day). Pushing the boundaries of my plan on multiple days … that could be good, if I felt fine at the same time but I didn’t. Basically I was finding it harder to eat right, but instead of deliberately making changes to make it easier on myself I was relying more and more on my determination and less and less on my make-it-easy planning. Relying more on instant inventiveness and less on ideas I’d thought through. I need flexibility and determination, but I need them balanced. It's to do with acting like I'm in an emergency. It's good to be able to do it, but it's not sustainable long term. I want to be more controlled, less reactive.
There's still a half question in my mind. That's because I'm not tormented now the way I was before I ate the chocolate. Some people say if you get a craving and can't get rid of it, have some of what you're craving. So why don't I just say that's what I did and that maybe it was an appropriate response.
I don't really know. Partly because of not wanting the remorse (as you said Juliette) or guilt (as you said T2), or confusion, which with my history I can't sidestep. It seems to me that to be the person who could say that is was a good way to deal with my craving, I would have to rebuild my ideas from nothing. I would have to reinterpret everything I ever thought I learnt about how I might do this thing. I wouldn't have enough knowledge left to keep me going right now, because I can't make that idea fit in with what else I know. Also I think that if I had never heard that idea I might not have eaten it at all. The idea that it would be useful to eat it, was definitely playing on my mind. It hasn't gone as far away as I want either. Probably I would not have felt tormented yesterday either, if I had only had enough sleep.
I sure am making up for being off-line for a while.
I am very appreciative of all your support.
Qjay -
"that can give us a sobering look at a piece of ourselves we don't like to see" Thank you for your understanding.
T2 -
"Embrace guilt as your mental foot soldier in this battle and follow him into the trenches. No one gets out of this adventure without a boo boo, just look at your scar and remind yourself from time to time." I can do that. Thank you.
I am feeling really up right now. I got some low impact aerobics stuff when I got the pilates. One didn’t work. One did work and it was really slow with lots of explaining to make it easy and weights (well tiny soups in my case), to make it more useful. I can almost keep up with it all already. Also I got a Jane Fonda one. The low-impact aerobics is a bit too quick for me, I have to keep reminding myself to be careful not to make a mistake that hurts. I reckon I can still use it though. Also that tape has a stretching session at the end. The whole three things have left me feeling really great! This is a very doable back up to my walking. I don’t even have to take time learning it like I need to do with pilates. I think I will do a bit of pilates too though because I love the idea of getting that much control over my body. It turns out only the family room equipment will play it (the computer isn’t working properly), so that is a bit of a bummer – however if I learn the right kind of steps from the DVD that should mean that I can sometimes do it alone with my own music. I will make myself a CD, but even before that I should be able to do it – if I just learn the steps - so I will try to make practicing that my priority for at home exercise for now.
Breakfast ~ 7:00 1 slice wholemeal toast with minimal margarine and strawberry jam. 2 weetbix, 1/3 C diced peaches. 1C lowfat soy milk. ½ glass tomato juice. 2 C White coffee ~ 40 ml Hilo milk
Lunch 12:30 Chicken and salad sandwich – 2 slices wholemeal bread, ~ ½ lean grilled chicken thigh (with mixed herbs), mixed salad (from last night).
