“Even a small star shines in the darkness.”
10.16.07
"There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself.
There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end.
Baby, that was then.
But I am made of more than my yesterdays."
Hello, everyone! My name is Angel, though you may call me anything that you'd like. Honestly, I will say that the birth of this journal actually occurred due to certain emotions that went rather out of control today. I was thinking about starting one yesterday, but I stopped myself because I simply thought it would not make a difference. Hopefully I'll be able to prove myself wrong.
I'm a seventeen-year-old Senior in high school who has struggled with self-esteem issues ever since sixth grade. The image of myself has been broken so many times on this journey of adolescence, and even now it is difficult for me to say that I am proud to be who I am. I refuse to sugar coat things in this diary, so I apologize in advance for any future rants, petty complaints, and whine attacks I may bombard this thread with...
I decided to make a change for the better about one year ago. Things did not go all too well. Yo-yo dieting was what accompanied most of the months. I ate fast food, yet I'd have random bursts of short-lived motivation that would make me lose a pound or two. Overall, I only lost about 14 pounds. It is not much, but I'm so happy that I'm not where I used to be.
I...want to finally accomplish this goal that I've had in my mind ever since I was eleven-years-old. No more sucking in my tummy flab. No more crossing my arms over my waist. No more shame. No more regret. No more desperation, tears, and anger...
I'm going to do my best. Granted, I know I'm going to lose motivation on the way. I'm going to hit a rut and come crawling back in here, wanting to give up. However, I'm going to still give it all I've got. I need to. It's not longer a dream-- I want to make it a reality.
Please wish me luck, guys. :] Hopefully I'll have even an ounce of the devotion that I see each and every time I so much as glance at this forum. You guys inspire me. Please keep up the AMAZING work!
- - - - - -
Log One:
Tonight...was very painful for me. Perhaps I'm overreacting. No, actually, I probably am. However, for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about it. It's immature, childish, and just stupid. Who knew a person's words could cut so deep?
My sisters and I are attending a wedding next week. Mind you, all my older sisters are my inspiration. They're all so slender, skinny, delicate, and beautiful. Me? Oh, no, no, I'm the chubby one standing off in the corner. That's not why I'm writing about this, though.
I may not be close to my "ideal" weight just yet, but I know that I've come a long way from where I used to be. My starting weight was considered "overweight", and while I've lowered that to "healthy" standards, I know I can still lose some around the stomach and thigh area.
My oldest sister, Georgia, brings a light blue dress to me and says, "Oh, this will look really cute on you! It used to be mine!"
I looked at it for a second and became a bit confused. My sister has ALWAYS been skinny. And by skinny, I mean she is very, very, very thin. Perhaps the thinnest out of my skinny sisters. The dress itself was wide and very, very flowy. Why would she ever need to wear a dress like that? It would have devoured her entire body. Therefore, I asked when and why she ever wore it.
She replies with, "Oh, this is my maternity dress. I wore this when I was pregnant."
I could not help but be...dreadfully insulted. I was quiet for a moment and I did not say anything. Ah, so...
...She takes a dress from her closet that she wore when she pregnant, comes over to her little sister, and then says she should wear it at the party next week? How...am I supposed to feel about that? I did not know what to say. I was hurt inside. A deep, throbbing burst of insecurity rushed through my veins. Luckily, my Physics tutor saved me from any awkward responses. However, I still could not shake the pain that I felt.
I'm feeling such an array of emotions right now. Over the past summer, and especially in the last two weeks, I've been "diet-crazy". I've worked out every day, despite the ridiculous amounts of homework I need to finish and the college essays I need to write. I've refrained from snacking after school, which is something very different from my normal lifestyle. In other words, it's been very, VERY difficult. There have been so many trials and tribulations. I cannot count the times I've wanted to give up. I cannot count the times I've looked at my family and ask why I'm the only "different" one. "Why couldn't I be blessed like them?" I would whisper, regretting every unhealthy choice I made in the past.
In short, I've been trying really, really hard. And, I actually thought I was getting somewhere...I actually thought, "Hey, I'm...kind of getting the hang of this."
Then...that comment from my sister ripped me to shreds.
Does she understand how hard it is to watch the world from behind a mask of complete uncertainty and insecurity? Des she understand how my weight affects nearly all aspects of my life? She doesn't know how painful it's been. She doesn't understand how much it hurts to feel like your work is actually paying off, when in fact your own sister thinks you would fit into her maternity dress.
I know this should be a motivating experience rather than a negative one.
I'm...just really tired, guys. I really am.
Why can't I just be like every other teenager and naturally fit into a size 2?
10.16.07
"There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself.
There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end.
Baby, that was then.
But I am made of more than my yesterdays."
Hello, everyone! My name is Angel, though you may call me anything that you'd like. Honestly, I will say that the birth of this journal actually occurred due to certain emotions that went rather out of control today. I was thinking about starting one yesterday, but I stopped myself because I simply thought it would not make a difference. Hopefully I'll be able to prove myself wrong.
I'm a seventeen-year-old Senior in high school who has struggled with self-esteem issues ever since sixth grade. The image of myself has been broken so many times on this journey of adolescence, and even now it is difficult for me to say that I am proud to be who I am. I refuse to sugar coat things in this diary, so I apologize in advance for any future rants, petty complaints, and whine attacks I may bombard this thread with...
I decided to make a change for the better about one year ago. Things did not go all too well. Yo-yo dieting was what accompanied most of the months. I ate fast food, yet I'd have random bursts of short-lived motivation that would make me lose a pound or two. Overall, I only lost about 14 pounds. It is not much, but I'm so happy that I'm not where I used to be.
I...want to finally accomplish this goal that I've had in my mind ever since I was eleven-years-old. No more sucking in my tummy flab. No more crossing my arms over my waist. No more shame. No more regret. No more desperation, tears, and anger...
I'm going to do my best. Granted, I know I'm going to lose motivation on the way. I'm going to hit a rut and come crawling back in here, wanting to give up. However, I'm going to still give it all I've got. I need to. It's not longer a dream-- I want to make it a reality.
Please wish me luck, guys. :] Hopefully I'll have even an ounce of the devotion that I see each and every time I so much as glance at this forum. You guys inspire me. Please keep up the AMAZING work!
Log One:
Tonight...was very painful for me. Perhaps I'm overreacting. No, actually, I probably am. However, for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about it. It's immature, childish, and just stupid. Who knew a person's words could cut so deep?
My sisters and I are attending a wedding next week. Mind you, all my older sisters are my inspiration. They're all so slender, skinny, delicate, and beautiful. Me? Oh, no, no, I'm the chubby one standing off in the corner. That's not why I'm writing about this, though.
I may not be close to my "ideal" weight just yet, but I know that I've come a long way from where I used to be. My starting weight was considered "overweight", and while I've lowered that to "healthy" standards, I know I can still lose some around the stomach and thigh area.
My oldest sister, Georgia, brings a light blue dress to me and says, "Oh, this will look really cute on you! It used to be mine!"
I looked at it for a second and became a bit confused. My sister has ALWAYS been skinny. And by skinny, I mean she is very, very, very thin. Perhaps the thinnest out of my skinny sisters. The dress itself was wide and very, very flowy. Why would she ever need to wear a dress like that? It would have devoured her entire body. Therefore, I asked when and why she ever wore it.
She replies with, "Oh, this is my maternity dress. I wore this when I was pregnant."
I could not help but be...dreadfully insulted. I was quiet for a moment and I did not say anything. Ah, so...
...She takes a dress from her closet that she wore when she pregnant, comes over to her little sister, and then says she should wear it at the party next week? How...am I supposed to feel about that? I did not know what to say. I was hurt inside. A deep, throbbing burst of insecurity rushed through my veins. Luckily, my Physics tutor saved me from any awkward responses. However, I still could not shake the pain that I felt.
I'm feeling such an array of emotions right now. Over the past summer, and especially in the last two weeks, I've been "diet-crazy". I've worked out every day, despite the ridiculous amounts of homework I need to finish and the college essays I need to write. I've refrained from snacking after school, which is something very different from my normal lifestyle. In other words, it's been very, VERY difficult. There have been so many trials and tribulations. I cannot count the times I've wanted to give up. I cannot count the times I've looked at my family and ask why I'm the only "different" one. "Why couldn't I be blessed like them?" I would whisper, regretting every unhealthy choice I made in the past.
In short, I've been trying really, really hard. And, I actually thought I was getting somewhere...I actually thought, "Hey, I'm...kind of getting the hang of this."
Then...that comment from my sister ripped me to shreds.
Does she understand how hard it is to watch the world from behind a mask of complete uncertainty and insecurity? Des she understand how my weight affects nearly all aspects of my life? She doesn't know how painful it's been. She doesn't understand how much it hurts to feel like your work is actually paying off, when in fact your own sister thinks you would fit into her maternity dress.
I know this should be a motivating experience rather than a negative one.
I'm...just really tired, guys. I really am.
Why can't I just be like every other teenager and naturally fit into a size 2?
Last edited:
Actually, shouldn't you be having Economics already? 
