This beginning is two years in the making

Hey Scott, I've actually stopped counting calories on the weekends and I'm still losing. I never go crazy, but weekends are for me to relax. I have a pretty good idea in my head how many calories most foods I like to eat are, so I don't have many issues staying within my calories. But I have to say the 500 calorie thing has been huge for me. I don't follow it 100% now, but when I was starting out, it was absolutely essential. I'm glad it's working for you!
 
Ow

Did a 5k last night and while it was a good run, a new PR at that, it was a hard run for me to do. In order to increase my stamina I've been going for a mile and then running .1-.25 a mile at a higher speed. I checked my heart rate after my last interval and it was way up, 188. That is really high for me. My cruising heart rate is 174 or so. I was much redder than usual (and for someone who gets as red as I do normally, this is saying a lot) and it took me a long time to come back down from that. So yeah, worked it a little too hard last night. However, it was a good run. Contacts are still bothering me though. I got a new pair of dailies that I'm going to try today. If they don't work, I'll just have to run blind. :(

My hip has been bothering me on and off for the last week. I'm worried I have hip bursitis. It doesn't hurt when I run, only afterward. I've got some stretching and some exercises I'm going to try, because dammit I do NOT want to stop my training now. It's been so hard getting back into my "groove" running wise because of sickness, and work, and now this. It's frustrating.

TRX tonight and LOTS of stretching. Hopefully it helps. Meatball subs for dinner. If you're a fan of Smitten Kitchen, the recipe is on her blog, check it out.
 
Going steady

TRX last night was just ok. We have a sub and while she did some pretty intense TRX exercises our regular teacher makes it a circuit because we only have one TRX and it sucks to stand around waiting for other people to get done. Which is what we did last night. Ah well. At least I went and did 5 inverted pushups. I deserve a cookie or something for that.

The daily contacts I got from my eye doctor are working much better. My eye is still not feeling "normal" but it doesn't bother me so much that it hurts anymore. That's a bonus. I know they're dailies but I'm going to wear that pair again today for spin class. It just seems so wasteful to toss them out. :( Especially when I wore them for a grand total of 5 hours yesterday.

Spin class tonight with my favorite teacher and fellow Pelotonia rider Annette. I utterly adore her and the music she uses always puts me in a great mood. PI am going to be a gross, sweaty mess when I'm done but it's so worth it.

Lavash rolls and hummus for dinner. This was a request of my husband's and I'm honestly not really looking forward to it. I may bow out and just eat apples and peanut butter for dinner. For those of you who remember, I used to just go to my cereal when given a meal I wasn't fond of. Well, the cereal is not as good anymore, so I've replaced that meal with apples and peanut butter. Who doesn't love apples and peanut butter?!
 
Sunflower: It was an effort to eat the apples for dinner instead of eating everything else in the house last night. They tasted great, I was just up for some junk. But definitely try it out. It's tasty and filling. But get the natural peanut butter with the two ingredients "Peanuts, salt". The ones with added sugar aren't too good for you.
 
Rough night

Yesterday was just bad. I had a crappy day at work and went home looking for some kind of "make me feel better" therapy. I was debating between raiding the girls' candy bags and buying a new lens for my camera. Thankfully I refrained from doing either but it was honestly a struggle. :(

Spin class was just ok. For some reason I didn't have the energy I needed to keep up. I was tired and and I really did not do well. I finished, but that's about all I can say. It was a full class, which was new. The Wintel team decided they were going to all spin together and I got to "meet" a few of the guys I've worked with a bunch online, but not in real life. That was nice, to put names with faces.

Can't decide what my workout for tonight is going to be. Since I did cardio last night, I should lift. I haven't done serious squats or bench in ages, but I'd rather run. There is a bodyweight challenge that looks interesting, but I don't know. I guess I'll see later.

Catfish and hushpuppies for dinner for my husband. Probably apples and peanut butter again for me. I may eat a few hushpuppies, but I don't eat fish. My house is going to STINK tonight.
 
This is what happens when you screw up my routine

Last night I had plans to go running and then come home and eat light for dinner, as I was making catfish for my husband and his friend and I hate catfish. About 2:30 he tells me that the girls' mom is going to work late and we'll have the girls for at least dinner, so I need to figure out what they're going to eat. (There's no way they'd eat catfish.) Since we plan our meals in advance, I had very little I could feed them. So I skipped my workout and stopped at the store on the way home from work, picked up some chicken and went home to make that. I got home and my husband's friend is already there. So I'm trying to cook up the chicken first and then go to the catfish after that. I get halfway through making the chicken and my husband gets home sans kids. "Where are they?" "Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're not coming." I wasn't mad per se, because I liked the chicken and could eat it. But I had made enough for three, not one. And I ate enough for three, not one. And my weight is up a pound to do to show me how wrong I was to eat that much. :-( Fail fail fail. At least it tasted good.

Long run tonight. My training schedule for the half says I should do my long runs on the weekends, but I am not really good with running outside yet. So I do them on Fridays. It's ok for now, but once they get longer it'll be hard to stay in the gym for that long.

Leftover pulled pork for dinner. Without bun, I should be able to pig out on 300 calories or so. That's fun.
 
Happy Valentine's Day!

I had a fantastic weekend. Drove to Cinci to visit some friends and be DD at an ale fest. It was all great until we tried to go home and one of our friends decided that he should drive himself. I had to be the bad guy and threaten to call the cops on him so he would let me drive him home. I ended up calling his mom and since he's such a momma's boy, and she said I should drive, he let me. I sent some cake home with him to let her know I appreciated the backup.

I didn't eat well at all this weekend. I tried to eat less, but my plans fell through because I wasn't the one getting to choose what we ate for most of the weekend. We had our Valentine's dinner at an Italian restaurant and I went crazy with fettuccine alfredo. It wasn't a huge portion as far as restaurant food goes, but it was probably 800 calories. I tried to chalk it up to the fact that I'm doing a 4 miler today and needed to carb up, but really, it's only 4 miles. I don't need that many carbs. I'm up a tiny bit to 170.4. With such a little gain, and such a great weekend, I'll say it's worth it.

Fondue tonight after parent teacher conferences for our oldest. She's a rockstar student so I'm anticipating going in and getting an earful about how wonderful she is. That's always fun.

What I like about Fondue is I feel like I'm cheating. It takes very little fondue to get me full and I like the carrots and apples best, not the sausage and bread. And the cheese is so rich that I really don't need much to feel like I've indulged. So should be a relatively low calorie dinner tonight.
 
I want to lie

I'm up another pound to 171.4 from a low of 169.2. I thought for sure when I weighed myself this morning that I'd be down. And when I wasn't my first thought was to lie. I know that this fluctuation is probably in water weight, and I haven't really gained two pounds of fat since Thursday. But I am so discouraged that my immediate reaction was to hide it.

But I'm not going to. I gained because I ate too much over the weekend, and I ate too much last night. So, I will have to fix that and eat less today. My husband who has been so supportive so far, has started balking at the idea of some of the low calorie foods I want to make. So I had just been making regular dinners and eating very light during the day. I thought it had been working, but if I'm gaining it definitely isn't. I'm either going to have to find lower calorie dinners that he doesn't mind, or stop eating what I make for everyone else. I really don't want to do the latter, but I'm sort of stuck as to what else to do.

My workout last night didn't happen for a multitude of reasons. TRX tonight may be the only time I can get to the gym all week. I'm in training Wednesday and Thursday on the other side of town with stuff I have to do afterward (work meeting at 8:00pm to deal with the Chinese employees of a recent acquisition on Wednesday, parent teacher conferences for our youngest on Thursday). The training starts at 8:30 and I usually get to work at 7:00 so I'm considering going to the gym around 6:45 and working out then but I haven't decided.

Ham and cheese quiche for dinner. It's a "lower calorie" dinner from Cooking Light so it's not terrible, but I usually eat larger than one serving which is not going to do me any favors. Maybe I'll bow out of eating it and have apples instead.
 
My scale is messing with me

169.6 today. What the hell? Whatever, I'm not even going to try to figure it out.

I've given up hope of working out all week. Offsite training today and tomorrow. Yesterday I worked late. Friday chances are good I will work late too. I'm not such a fan of my job at the moment. It's making me depressed which is making me want to eat. Thankfully I haven't succumbed yet.

No work out today and we're getting catered meals at our training. I'm bringing apples and peanut butter so I can skip at least one of them. I'm not a huge fan of either of the places we're getting food from so it's not a huge loss, and the calories are just not worth it.

Macaroni and cheese for dinner, which is even worse. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I planned that. Fail.

I hope everyone's week is going better than mine is.
 
sorry your having a bad week, what helps me when i`m having a bad week is thinking of the diet for life plan my mum once mentioned. i dunno what it is but it reminds me i am eating healthy for forever now and next week could be a big loss.

just put the effort in for the rest of the week you might lose some:biggrinjester:
 
That's Scott. I have been trying to focus on the fact that I have lost so much and am not gaining but have still been eating only foods I love. I appreciate the encouragement. It is always welcome. Thank you.
 
My week is almost over

My crappy week is almost over. Thank goodness. My training was ok, but my computer wasn't powerful enough to run the VMs needed for the training so that was two days of banging my head against a wall waiting for it to work. I got as much as I could out of it, despite barely being able to follow along. The commute though was terrible. It was all the way over on the east side and I live on the west side. It took me an hour and a half to drive home in rush hour. I don't know how anyone can stand driving on the highway to and from work every single day. I'd rather pay hundreds of dollars more in living expenses than have more than a 30 minute commute. Honestly, I'd rather take a bus or a train but my city is severely lacking in both.

Down to 168.2 today. Hopefully I can keep it that low over the weekend. We're going out for ice cream tonight to celebrate the great reports we've gotten for both kids from their parent teacher conferences. Then tomorrow is a birthday party with a friend of mine's daughter. The two of them are staying the night and we're probably going to have pizza and cupcakes. I'm going to have to eat really light on Sunday to make up for all of that junk.

Ham and bean soup for dinner. I was going to make bread to go with it, but since we're going to go out for ice cream I think I'm going to skip it.

Happy Friday everyone!
 
Body Dysmorphia

I've been having some serious issues lately with body dysmorphia. I have the physical evidence that I'm smaller: down two pants sizes, waist size is smaller, compliments daily about the weight that I've lost. But when I look in the mirror I see this huge person. Even larger than before I started losing. I've become much more aware of my rolls and cellulite which were things I didn't really see before I started losing the weight. I'm spending too much time looking at myself in the mirror and criticizing my imperfections. This is shit I never used to care about. I'm not sure how to get out of this mindset. I can't just NOT care.

I'm so scared that it's going to keep going and it's going to get worse. Part of the reason I'm overweight is because I had bulimia in college and I vowed to myself once I stopped purging that I would love myself no matter what I looked like, and I would stop obsessing about food. And that worked for a while. Years even. I was not necessarily happy with my body, but it was strong and could do all the things I wanted it to do. I didn't count calories, and ate what I wanted. And I gained 30 pounds. I've been trying so hard to keep myself from slipping back into that but it's getting harder and harder the more weight I lose. My recommended calories keeps dropping and I'm finding it hard to stay full. I am returning to those dark thoughts about binging and purging. And it's becoming harder to fight those urges.

I want to seek out some counseling but I'm just so ashamed of all of this. It's one thing to spill my guts to a bunch of strangers on the internet, it's another thing entirely to tell those who are close to me. Why am I not strong enough to keep losing in a healthy manner? Am I really so weak that I can't resist seconds or dessert? Why am I, a woman with a computer science degree, in an IT field with less than 10% women, who can run 3 miles, who can bench 150 pounds, who can build furniture, who can sew quilts, knit a scarf, can pickles, grow tomatoes, tap maple trees, bake amazing cookies, who has an amazing relationship with her husband, and his ex, her parents, her sister, a gazillion friends that she adore, and with a LIFE that is so amazing and outwardly happy, obsessing over something as meaningless as body weight? It's obvious that my weight has not kept me from achieving my goals. Nor has it kept me from being happy. Aside from this detail, I am happy. I am BLISSFULLY happy. Why is this single thing clouding my life so?

I am going to keep trying. The weight loss for me is not as important as my happiness, though if at all possible I would like to have both. I am going to keep working at this, but if the looming eating disorder jumps to the forefront, I'm out. I refuse to live like that.
 
maybe your just happy with yourself after dropping to jean sizes, i know most women would be thrilled and not beat there self up because they wanted to lose more. i think one thing this site is bad for is people dont seem to know where to stop and are all aiming for size zero, which is not only unrealistic its not healthy. look at the people on this site that have reached there goal, there all going for another 10 pounds or more.
no1 mentions and i think no1 knows on this site is what you should eat when you`ve reached your goals.

i think just be happy with what you`ve lost for now and be glad to fit in smaller size cloths for the summer but try not to go totally nuts and binge eat everyday, perhaps just binge eat on the things you`ve been missing out on 2 or 3 times a week.
 
Awww bluebuckeye,I've thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog,you're so inspiring.I was sorry to read your latest post that you've been feeling a bit low lately,I really hope you feel better soon.I must admit though,everyone has crappy weeks-heck,I know I do!And for me when i'm feeling low I hang back and give myself less of a hard time.I eat more than I would normally limmit myself and I wouldn't deny myself a bag of crisps,becuase it's fine in moderation.You've been so good up until now,and working so hard physically and mentally,it is important to reward yourself.I'm sorry to hear that you're worried some old habbits and thoughts from the past are crossing your mind,and that's a sign to maybe take things a little bit easier.When I feel some of my unwanted thoughts threatening my new routines,I give myself some quality me time.I think sometimes it's easy to get carried away focusing on all the things you don't like about yourself,(like you said,staring at yourself and only seeing these bits you don't like-we all do it for sure!) and not enough time loving yourself (sorry that sounded so cheesy!haha) But I love to buy myself my favourite bubble bath and soap,putting on my favourite album,reading a lovely book or crack out the paints and spend some time relaxing.You'll feel so much better for it.
I hope you feel happier soon,don't give up all hope just yet :) we're all hear to support you,whatever it may be that's bothering or worrying you.Maybe you should have a little read back of your journal and see how far you've come and how fantastic that is!I find it great to read,maybe you'll feel more proud of yourself :)
 
So, evening posting, this is new

I usually have a routine where I post to this diary first thing in the morning so I can talk about my weigh in, my plans for the day (food and exercise wise) and generally just kick start my day. Well, I took a couple mornings off and had some free time this evening so thought what the hell, I can post at night too.

Monday was a really dark day for me. After my post I sat down with my husband and told him how I was feeling. How I was worried about sliding back into my bulimia. And he asked me what we should do about it. So I spilled everything. My tricks, how I'd hide it, triggers and what causes me to binge, and to purge. And we have a rough plan on how to deal with this. First thing I got a loving assurance of how much he loves me, and will continue to love me regardless of my size. He said he is supportive of my weight loss not because he wants me thinner, but because he knows I want it. In short, he's been amazing. Second, for the next few weeks every time I get one of those negative thoughts (either about being fat, or about wanting to binge or purge) I'm going to tell him and we're going to talk through it. To see if we can figure out why these feelings are so strong, and how I can control them. The most important thing is there is no secrecy. I married him because I want to share my life with him, and if my life includes these issues, then he's going to hear about them too. I am hopeful that these steps will help. We will have to see though.

All that said, I'd really like to get back into my routine. I went to a rally yesterday at the capitol to protest a bill in congress and that was exhilarating. I used to be into politics so much more than I am now. And being there reminded me why. I was so busy that I literally didn't have time to eat until late and it's reflective on the scale, 168. My meals were better planned today however. Home made pulled pork for dinner that was absolutely delicious.

I had a 4 mile run on Monday and averaged 11 minute miles which is great for me. I thought since my run then was so great that I'd have a good one today too, and I'd try to push for a little faster time. But alas, no such luck. I got cramps two miles in and barely finished 3 miles. I was bummed. I will just have to try harder on Friday.

Thanks everyone for the support. I know that last post was very much a "wah, emo emo, cutkry" kind of post, but I don't think anyone benefits from not talking about eating disorders. So... yeah. NEENER NEENER.
 
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