San2
Mod
So, after two failed attempts at keeping a diary, and update it reasonably regularly, I am trying again. Let's see how it goes this time. 
I found that this forum is an outlet for me where I can talk about and discuss things that I simply have nobody else to talk to about - filled with people who have a good idea what I'm doing, and also why I'm doing it. Most people in my real life seem convinced that the only reason that I want to lose weight at over 370 lbs is because I will look better. Yeah, because the health issues are certainly not playing into that at all.
I'm well aware that for some people around here I'm public enemy number one right now for cancelling the challenge - sorry about that, but I have learned (and it took me a long time) that if something causes you more trouble than anything else, and does not make you feel good, you should walk away from it. That's what I did. In the end, my own mental well-being is a lot more important than anything else, and if somebody or something seriously drags me down, I have to distance myself from that. Selfish? Possibly, but that's another thing I have learned recently - sometimes you have to be selfish, for your own good and everybody else's.
The time I went to see my doctor before I had to go into hospital, she looked at me and said 'You're killing yourself. And I'm not joking.' I thought she was being overly dramatic, but after sitting down and really taking some time out to think about it, looking at my medical record and whatnot, I realized that she wasn't. She was just being brutally honest and trying to get things through my thick head.
So I made a few decisions, to make more time for myself, give myself the chance to work through my medical issues properly, and walk away from those things that I had control over and that were making me miserable. It's oddly liberating - even if, of course, some people are complaining.
And yes, I know this is most likely not making much sense (if anybody even read all of this). Apologies. I'm just writing my thoughts down as muddled as they go through my head - it's not easy being as crazy as I am, believe me!
But in all seriousness, it's one of these 'turning over a new leaf' things for me. It's not just about losing weight, even though that is a large part of it - it will improve my overall health, and it will allow me to live with a lot less pain than I do right now. I am aware that I will never be pain free, not even with medication, but every little bit counts. It's about taking control of those things that I actually have control over, and trying to be as good to myself as I possibly can. I've neglected that for too long.
And after all that rambling, I will actually get to the weight loss bit - I started out at the beginning of the year with 370 lbs. I am, of today, at 312.9 lbs. That's not too shabby, and I found that I actually enjoy my time in the gym and in the pool, despite the pain the exercise causes. It takes my mind of things and allows me to work off some stress, which is good.
I'll most likely start logging my food here, just for a bit of accountability - I have noticed that I dropped too low with my calories on a regular basis, and logging my food somewhere where not only I can see it will help me stay on track.
And I promise there won't be this much rambling all the time - usually I am a little more coherent.
As for today, it is Saturday, which means it is my cheat day. Which in turn means that I shall retrieve a cup of coffee and a cupcake now, and park my backside in our shoe-box sized jungle behind the house (I would call it a garden, but it really doesn't deserve that name right now). Everything in here can wait five minutes for me.
I found that this forum is an outlet for me where I can talk about and discuss things that I simply have nobody else to talk to about - filled with people who have a good idea what I'm doing, and also why I'm doing it. Most people in my real life seem convinced that the only reason that I want to lose weight at over 370 lbs is because I will look better. Yeah, because the health issues are certainly not playing into that at all.
I'm well aware that for some people around here I'm public enemy number one right now for cancelling the challenge - sorry about that, but I have learned (and it took me a long time) that if something causes you more trouble than anything else, and does not make you feel good, you should walk away from it. That's what I did. In the end, my own mental well-being is a lot more important than anything else, and if somebody or something seriously drags me down, I have to distance myself from that. Selfish? Possibly, but that's another thing I have learned recently - sometimes you have to be selfish, for your own good and everybody else's.
The time I went to see my doctor before I had to go into hospital, she looked at me and said 'You're killing yourself. And I'm not joking.' I thought she was being overly dramatic, but after sitting down and really taking some time out to think about it, looking at my medical record and whatnot, I realized that she wasn't. She was just being brutally honest and trying to get things through my thick head.
So I made a few decisions, to make more time for myself, give myself the chance to work through my medical issues properly, and walk away from those things that I had control over and that were making me miserable. It's oddly liberating - even if, of course, some people are complaining.
And yes, I know this is most likely not making much sense (if anybody even read all of this). Apologies. I'm just writing my thoughts down as muddled as they go through my head - it's not easy being as crazy as I am, believe me!
But in all seriousness, it's one of these 'turning over a new leaf' things for me. It's not just about losing weight, even though that is a large part of it - it will improve my overall health, and it will allow me to live with a lot less pain than I do right now. I am aware that I will never be pain free, not even with medication, but every little bit counts. It's about taking control of those things that I actually have control over, and trying to be as good to myself as I possibly can. I've neglected that for too long.
And after all that rambling, I will actually get to the weight loss bit - I started out at the beginning of the year with 370 lbs. I am, of today, at 312.9 lbs. That's not too shabby, and I found that I actually enjoy my time in the gym and in the pool, despite the pain the exercise causes. It takes my mind of things and allows me to work off some stress, which is good.
I'll most likely start logging my food here, just for a bit of accountability - I have noticed that I dropped too low with my calories on a regular basis, and logging my food somewhere where not only I can see it will help me stay on track.
And I promise there won't be this much rambling all the time - usually I am a little more coherent.
As for today, it is Saturday, which means it is my cheat day. Which in turn means that I shall retrieve a cup of coffee and a cupcake now, and park my backside in our shoe-box sized jungle behind the house (I would call it a garden, but it really doesn't deserve that name right now). Everything in here can wait five minutes for me.
