Bellaryna
New member
I rarely if ever title my entry's. For one I would end up with the same title for the majority of them and for another it just takes to much thought really..........LOL
Last night I had reality do a firm slap on my face. It wasn't pretty and I certainly don't feel good about it.
Let's start with the confessions first.
I find it amusing that there are times that I don't want to put in the diary the things that I have eaten or the outrageous amounts thereof.
In the long run I am only "cheating" myself by not being honest. There have been times were I have totally pigged out on things that I should never have. The sad thing is, I was completely aware of what I was doing at the time.
Sitting down and eating frosting from a can is an awful thing to do. Worse yet is to get it into your mind that you want it and actually making that special trip to the store to by only it. And then lying to the cashier that "yep I must have forgot to get it the last time I was here". Disgusting I know. Then trying to hide it from everyone.
Waiting until after my kids are in bed to eat something because, "I don't want to share it." Actually letting that little voice in my head talk me into trying to make myself sick after eating something. For the record it never worked. I am just not a good thrower upper.
In the last year I gone from 230lbs to 184lbs. I wish that I could say that I was still at 184. That was an accomplishment. I hadn't been down to that size since like just after high school.
I can't quite put my finger on why suddenly things went so wrong. I have gone back to look over my weight loss chart and I can see a definate time frame for when it started. But I can't figure if it was MIL arrived and I no longer had the time that I use to to devote to my journey, summer arrived and things just got soooo busy so began to eat for conveinance sake, or the possiblity that my seasonal depression that I held off for the better part of 6 months finally overcame me. Maybe it was when I hurt my shoulder. Using that as an excuse to "take a break from exercising." And apparently from eating well too.
Regardless of any of those reasons/excuses something somewhere stopped.
And getting back on track has been ohhhh so very hard. I want to, I really do. But at the same time I can't seem to control what I am eating. I know all I need to do is eat less and of course better. But it is like there is this little me inside my head that just keeps going on and on and on about how good that McFlurry would be. And that it's not a big thing 'cuz I can always try again tomorrow. Except for it feels like tomorrow is never going to get here.
And maybe sometimes tomorrow does get here only to slip away a few days later.
Watching the number on the scale go up and up on a daily basis you would think that I could buckle down and "git-r-done". But not really I just continue to watch the number go up. Jumping off the scale with a sigh and a shrug.
Why can't I seem to get back to that place that I was 12 weeks ago? And why is it that the weight can go on oh so much faster than it came off.
It took me 12 weeks to get back to the number that I weighed just before Thanksgiving. That number is......207......*cring*. That was last October. In 12 weeks I put myself back by 8-9 months of work. Again disgusting.
Now on to that reality check that I told you about............
MIL likes to sew and has been making me a few really nice dress shirts. Now I know that I have put my weight back on in my belly/hip/butt area. I can still get into my size 16's that I was so proud of not so long ago. But let's just say there's more than one muffin top going on here! LOL I think I got the whole bakers dozen.
Anyhow I digress, MIL measured my hips 8-10 weeks ago and came up with the grand number of 48 1/2 inches. Sounds like alot I know. But when taken into consideration the size I started out as (I don't know #'s but can tell you there was no way at all I could even think of stuffing myself into those 16's) that was pretty darn good. Well she measured me again yesterday. I am so embarrassed the new number is 51 inches. In 12 weeks I "grew" 2 1/2 inches in my hips!!!!!
She also measured my waist. Now my waist by no means was tiny 10 weeks ago, but I didn't have all those muffins hanging around. Ten weeks ago I measured 43 inches on my waist. Yesterday I measured 48 inches!!!!!
How did I let it get this far?
Who knows.
But as of yesterday I laid down the determination to beat this back.........again. And this time I WILL WIN!
I can't keep going on like this.
I am miserable in my own skin. Feeling like a piece of fruit that is so ripe it is gonna pop. All I want to do is sleep. My back is hurting again. I am grumpy/crabby more now than before. I feel really aware of my size especially with working in the YMCA fitness center.
I want to be a better role model for my kids. Heck I want to stick around for them. And if I can't get this back under control than I will have failed at both of those things.
No more hiding food.
No more "special" trips to the store for that "forgotten" item.
No more getting up 15 minutes early just so I can run thru McD's so I can have that breakfast sandwich.
And definately no more lying to myself.
I am the only reason I am in the position that I am.
All those other things are not nescessarily in my control. But what I eat is.
And beginning right now I will be in control.
Last night I had reality do a firm slap on my face. It wasn't pretty and I certainly don't feel good about it.
Let's start with the confessions first.
I find it amusing that there are times that I don't want to put in the diary the things that I have eaten or the outrageous amounts thereof.
In the long run I am only "cheating" myself by not being honest. There have been times were I have totally pigged out on things that I should never have. The sad thing is, I was completely aware of what I was doing at the time.
Sitting down and eating frosting from a can is an awful thing to do. Worse yet is to get it into your mind that you want it and actually making that special trip to the store to by only it. And then lying to the cashier that "yep I must have forgot to get it the last time I was here". Disgusting I know. Then trying to hide it from everyone.
Waiting until after my kids are in bed to eat something because, "I don't want to share it." Actually letting that little voice in my head talk me into trying to make myself sick after eating something. For the record it never worked. I am just not a good thrower upper.
In the last year I gone from 230lbs to 184lbs. I wish that I could say that I was still at 184. That was an accomplishment. I hadn't been down to that size since like just after high school.
I can't quite put my finger on why suddenly things went so wrong. I have gone back to look over my weight loss chart and I can see a definate time frame for when it started. But I can't figure if it was MIL arrived and I no longer had the time that I use to to devote to my journey, summer arrived and things just got soooo busy so began to eat for conveinance sake, or the possiblity that my seasonal depression that I held off for the better part of 6 months finally overcame me. Maybe it was when I hurt my shoulder. Using that as an excuse to "take a break from exercising." And apparently from eating well too.
Regardless of any of those reasons/excuses something somewhere stopped.
And getting back on track has been ohhhh so very hard. I want to, I really do. But at the same time I can't seem to control what I am eating. I know all I need to do is eat less and of course better. But it is like there is this little me inside my head that just keeps going on and on and on about how good that McFlurry would be. And that it's not a big thing 'cuz I can always try again tomorrow. Except for it feels like tomorrow is never going to get here.
And maybe sometimes tomorrow does get here only to slip away a few days later.
Watching the number on the scale go up and up on a daily basis you would think that I could buckle down and "git-r-done". But not really I just continue to watch the number go up. Jumping off the scale with a sigh and a shrug.
Why can't I seem to get back to that place that I was 12 weeks ago? And why is it that the weight can go on oh so much faster than it came off.
It took me 12 weeks to get back to the number that I weighed just before Thanksgiving. That number is......207......*cring*. That was last October. In 12 weeks I put myself back by 8-9 months of work. Again disgusting.
Now on to that reality check that I told you about............
MIL likes to sew and has been making me a few really nice dress shirts. Now I know that I have put my weight back on in my belly/hip/butt area. I can still get into my size 16's that I was so proud of not so long ago. But let's just say there's more than one muffin top going on here! LOL I think I got the whole bakers dozen.
Anyhow I digress, MIL measured my hips 8-10 weeks ago and came up with the grand number of 48 1/2 inches. Sounds like alot I know. But when taken into consideration the size I started out as (I don't know #'s but can tell you there was no way at all I could even think of stuffing myself into those 16's) that was pretty darn good. Well she measured me again yesterday. I am so embarrassed the new number is 51 inches. In 12 weeks I "grew" 2 1/2 inches in my hips!!!!!
She also measured my waist. Now my waist by no means was tiny 10 weeks ago, but I didn't have all those muffins hanging around. Ten weeks ago I measured 43 inches on my waist. Yesterday I measured 48 inches!!!!!
How did I let it get this far?
Who knows.
But as of yesterday I laid down the determination to beat this back.........again. And this time I WILL WIN!
I can't keep going on like this.
I am miserable in my own skin. Feeling like a piece of fruit that is so ripe it is gonna pop. All I want to do is sleep. My back is hurting again. I am grumpy/crabby more now than before. I feel really aware of my size especially with working in the YMCA fitness center.
I want to be a better role model for my kids. Heck I want to stick around for them. And if I can't get this back under control than I will have failed at both of those things.
No more hiding food.
No more "special" trips to the store for that "forgotten" item.
No more getting up 15 minutes early just so I can run thru McD's so I can have that breakfast sandwich.
And definately no more lying to myself.
I am the only reason I am in the position that I am.
All those other things are not nescessarily in my control. But what I eat is.
And beginning right now I will be in control.
