The Diary of an Over-eating Food Obsessor

[Arya]

Day 0:

Pizza....yummy yummy pizza....why do you torture me so?

I've finally had it. I'm so sick of food taking over my every thought and whim. Seriously. If I have to wait more than 1 hour between eating food I swear that I'm starving to death. I don't know what it feels like to actually be hungry and perfectly full. I just keep gaining weight. I try to find the courage to work out and eat better, but it always fails because my will to stop overeating doesn't work.

after puking my guts up time and time again because the guilt of how much food I took in doesn't work to make me gorgeously thin, my over-eating complex kicks in as I sink into the world of depression.

I've tried a lot of things, including therapy, weight loss programs, extreme work outs (before I was injured loading an airplane on my way back from Iraq :[ ), and though the therapy helped me cut back on my purging, the binging continues and drags me back into Overweight Land. To be honest, if it weren't for all the health risks and things that being obese had, I would probably give in completely to my gluttonous behaviours. But I know that I would never be happy. I'm not happy right now, and I'm only 230lb. but that's 100lbs too much for my height of 5'4". The lowest I ever was was 155lb and even that was overweight for me. I want to finally be rid of this monster and of this fat hiding my body from the world.

So I joined a site where people struggle (in different levels) with similar things. People who can encourage one another. So, after I'm through writing this post I will change. And this time I want to try to keep the change for a lifetime.

Please help me !

 

[fortyfour]

Hello Arya and welcome to the forum.

Have you actually quit purging yet? Are you taking any medication for your depression.

I don't know how much therapy you've had, but it sort of sounds like it might not be enough. Could you consider some more. I had three years and frankly i think for anyone with deep problems. less doesn't seem to be enough. I don't advocate doing therapy for life or for much more than 3 years either. (Unless you change therapists)

I don't think you can be successful unless you can quit the purging. And i believe you can possibly quit purging and overeating at the same time.

I think perhaps you need to pay very close attention to you psychology as you go on this weight loss journey. I am and this is where the real challenges are. Its the psychological events that cause you to want to eat and keep on eating more than you need. So you need to get happy (which is where exercise and antidepressants help). And you need to become very very self aware and ready fight hard to over come the binges.

Perhaps what might be a good way for you to start your diet would be to work out your maintenance calories (google bmr calculator), then start off by eating good food only, exclude any of your binge foods, work out some good low calorie meals that are yummy and that you must prepare yourself. Buy nothing ready made. (Unless you are a busy person and simply do not have the time). Eat for one week at your maintenance calories. Or eat as long as you want at your maintenance calories but at hte same time work out your diet so that you feel it satisfies you and you are not starving. To do that you need to maxmise the nutrition side of it and choose to eat lots of vegetables, enough protein and enough pasta/rice/bread. Also dairy for calcium and strong bones. You can find out how much of each of these things to eat from food plans around the web. I've got a link on my diary but now i think there may be too much food in that plan but i saw another good one more recently (on another diet site) which had plans tailored to a certain number of calories.

Count calories using a site like nutritiondata.com to help you get the right cals per day.

Exercise wise, yeah i think you need to start doing this but since you are not motivated, aim to walk for 30 minutes a day. Really that is not much time or effort.

Perhaps while i am writing this out, you already have a strategy planned. If so, i don't mind if you ignore my recommendations in order to follow your own ideas.

Don't try to lose weight fast. Take it slowly. Enjoy your food and look for ways to maximise joys in other parts of your life. Think of this as the first day of the rest of your life. I think you will need all the psychological tricks and support you can find to help you on this journey in at least the next six months. But the first month will be the hardest, won't it. This forum will support you but i think you should find more support than this forum.

I think you got to really want to lose weight to be successful. So work on this idea. Make your desire for it a dominant idea in your head. Make yourself want it badly.

Purging and being very overweight are equally unhealthy. There are health risks for both as you must know by now. They've both got to be done away with.

I have depression, i've had therapy. I take antidepressants. I used to work in an eating disorders clinic as a receptionist. I used to talk to all the patients on the phone when they were making their appointments, often at some length. I"ve also had at least one friend who had bulimia, though i knew her when she had kicked the habit. She took up yoga and had been doing it for years when i met her. She was very skinny. She had been a model. So she was also very beautiful. I think she found the yoga very helpful with all her psychological issues but i felt she still could benefit from therapy. So i know this friend beat her addictions and i believe you can too.

Did you do CBT therapy? Also mindfulness therapy which is called DBT. ACtually that would be even better but its still fairly new around the ridges and so may not be easy to find someone who does it.

Anyway good luck on your journey. I'd like to say i'll support you were i can but i am going away on Friday so I wont be around for a while. The forum will support you.