I'm sorry to everyone.... I guess I was hoping to get a few *welcome and hang in there* responses right off..... I really needed it yesterday. I got upset when I noticed other folks got replies to their messages and I didn't. I felt like I was being ignored on purpose; didn't help that yesterday was a really bad day. I didn't hurt myself.... I often think about it but would never do it. It's illogical and it won't solve anything anyway. Plus I refuse to leave a wonderful loving husband and child behind. I am just LITERALLY at my wits end.
For those who believe (and I can't blame you) that I have serious emotional issues, you're both correct and incorrect. This all stems from my weight believe it or not. Before I got pregnant, after I had worked diligently to lose weight, I felt wonderful. And honestly, it's not that I'm not happy with other aspects of my life -- career, family, etc. My weight, or my perception of my weight, interferes with my daily functioning. It's such a hard thing to explain. I OBSESS about it. I have no choice. I try not to, and between covering the mirrors and avoiding buying clothes, I do a good job of it. Yesterday was a crisis for me because I bought a hoodie that should have fit and didn't. I know HOW to lose weight.... I've done it before. I just have no motivation or faith (for whatever reason) that I can do it this time. That makes no real logical sense, but there it is. I know I have excess skin and my body will have changed because of the pregnancy; I think that also scares me. To top it off, I honestly believe I have a medical issue like thyroid or something, but I'm not getting any real support or advice from the medical community. My hair is falling out, my nails are splitting, exhaustion, nausea, etc. I have all of the tell-tale symptoms of thyroid problems, plus my mom and grandmother and sister all had issues with thyroid post-partum, but so far the blood keeps coming back *normal*. I'm tired of my doctor telling me it's in my head - it's not. I don't over-eat. Hell, I have to remember to eat at all, as I can't even enjoy food anymore because I worry about my weight/fat. My current state revolves around my weight/fat problem. I don't feel feminine or beautiful. I cannot wear the clothes I have and though I've tried shopping, I always leave in tears and then I'm miserable for days which also doesn't help. Bottom line, I need to lose the weight to feel like myself again. Before I got pregnant, I was spending 1.5 hrs/day in a gym doing HIIT cardio and weight training, plus limiting my food intake and really watching it; took me 3 years to lose 45 lbs. I think part of my motivation issue is that I don't want to wait 3 years; doesn't seem fair to have gone through all that to have to do it again. Put it this way, when I asked my doctor about the weight, and told her I was suffering from panic attacks as I was gaining weight, her response was *deal with it*. That's sound medical advice from a woman who was 8 months pregnant at the time (my doctor was pregnant) and had MAYBE gained 12 lbs, as oppose to my gaining 27 lbs in 2.5 months. I don't think that people who have never had a weight problem (a real one) can understand what we go through emotionally. For me it is the bane of my existence. I have nightmares about not eating and getting bigger and bigger. The longer this has gone on, the worse it gets. I'm back at work now and had planned to start at the gym today but my son had me up at like 3 am so I had to nix the gym -- I was wiped. Understandably there will be days/nights like that, and I can handle it as long as I get there regularly. I think once I am at the gym daily, even if I don't lose weight right away, I will feel a bit better at least in knowing that I'm DOING something about it. Does that make sense? I just want to be a size 12 again......I don't think that's too much to ask. I'd rather be an 8 which is my goal, but if I could get back to a 12 then at least that's something. I have an athletic build and I'm medium to big boned - I'll never be a size 2 and I'm good with that..... just need to get this fat off my frame. Not just for aesthetics..... diabetes and blood issues runs in the family; right now with the extra weight, I'm at higher risk. All these reasons are good reasons to lose weight. I just feel desperate because I tried during my mat leave and 2-3 hrs/day in a gym was doing NOTHING. I even took up boxing and kickboxing on top of the gym work but wound up with tendonitis. Best I can figure is that hormones weren't cooperating. I'll never get pregnant again.... I refuse to go through this again. What I want right now is to lose this ugly fat so I can be in a good mental state for myself, my husband and my baby. To me, in my mind, fat=ugly. I'm sorry if that offends anyone - it's not meant to.... it's just how I feel. When you're fat, your clothes don't fit right, people look at you differently, you lack confidence and self-esteem. I miss feeling GOOD about ME. I see no logical reason to be overweight, given that I don't over eat.
I guess I'm just angry and depressed at the same time, about my weight, and I really want/need some motivation and to hear what others are going through. I think if I don't feel *alone* in this, then I can push forward and realize that I'm not the only one feeling this way and if other people can do something about it, then I can too.
Again, thanks to those who have replied and I apologize for my *thanks* post... I just can't do this anymore and I need to change it. I need someone who'd been in the very shoes I am now standing in, to come forward and tell me they got through it; that I can get through it too.
Thanks,
bluemomma
Please take care of yourself, hon. Life is too precious to waste - please don't hurt yourself.