Starting again.... again.

[Cook1e]

First off I would like to apologize for my rant below. I needed to vent, if I am really to get started I had to be ruthlessly honest.


Hello I am a 23yr old 5'6 woman weighing now 13 stone (182kg I think?). I also think I am suffering from depression, which of recent has become increasingly unbearable. I'm sure many people out there have depression - whether that be because they are overweight or the fact that depression leads to being overweight, possibly a mixture of both. For the last 3 years I have been trying to lose weight. In the light of losing the perfect career, an abusive 1 year relationship (which is a good thing but has obviously left a few emotional scars) and carrying a bag of guilt as a result of my own failures have led me to have practically zero motivation. It's a drastic change from my pre 20yr old life.


I have a job that just about covers expenses and I live at home with my family, who also do not eat healthily and I have a loving uncle who just brings me up the BIG bars of chocolate EVERY evening that I stuff my face with. I feel fine when I'm eating it, and to be honest I don't feel that bad after; I only feel regret and guilt when I go outside and see all these beautiful women who look after themselves and their appearance. I do not consider myself unattractive but in these recent years I have lost a lot of self respect. I have always needed a reason to do things. If it motivates me by god I will go for it. But when I look at myself in the mirror I think "what is the point?" and I trundle back to my chair and eat the chocolate which is about one of three things that make me happy in life. I write a lot of stories and I play a lot of games and I don't have many friends now outside of my little dream world where everything is fine and the world is perfect. This is what my live has become.


No more horse-riding, no more ice-skating, no more hiking, no more walking the dogs, no more socializing, no more eating healthily, no more swimming or all of the other things that I didn't realize how much I loved doing until I put on weight and became too embarrassed to do. Almost in punishment for not only getting to where I am but continuing to gain I don't do any of the above any more and it has been years since I promised that if I lost weight I'd start them all up again. Funny thing is it was that exact lifestyle that I had, without any seeming effort, kept me in shape. I constantly cancel on my gym buddy because my split shifts (5am-1pm, then 3pm-9pm) really knacker me out and come gym time I will come up with ANY excuse to stay at home and rest. I don't really eat a lot of sweets aside from chocolate but when I eat meals I eat probably double the advised amount and far too often in the day. It's funny because the friends I do have say that the only time I get hyper and happy is when I am eating or soon after. My entire wardrobe is now "comfy clothes" and I continue to preach to people that being comfy is best as a lame excuse because the nice clothes that did fit me are now under my bed in a suction bag. I haven't bought nice clothes, well clothes in general apart from trainers, because I keep telling myself that there is no point, when I lose weight, it would have been a waste of money. When I am with friends I am aware I try encourage them to eat because I wont lie it makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one that binges (now how pathetic am I huh?) I don't want to be the jealous fat girl and I do my best to be happy for those who succeed around me but I am so embarrassed to compare myself to them that I just avoid their company altogether.


Excuses, excuses, excuses. Right? I just ate a whole packet of biscuits before I wrote this, well aware I'm meant to be going gym in two hours. My family are getting a take away tonight as well. This is so self destructive because I start this pattern of "what is the point now"? And when I do go gym I'll exercise half heartedly because I know there isn't a chance in hell I can make up for my caloric intake and stare at the clock in frustration as my gym buddy, who is twice my size, barely breaks a sweat because we both admit to each other this is hard work and that despite our efforts we are both struggling to curb our bad eating habits.


I once had a will made of iron. After that relationship it just feels like I have been abandoned by my own soul. For me, my friend and my family who also for their own sakes need to lose weight, I came to you not for your pity but for the inspiration you have given me. It won't be easy but starting from now make this attempt number 1. I am on the computer more often than not and I genuinely have no excuse not to log in and type a few letters about my day and what I've eaten.


Being on the go at work makes it so hard to have a "routine" and it's even worse when I am tired because that is when I have NO willpower. I am going to a. buy some headphones and start listening to music in the gym to distract me from looking at the clock and b. invest in a watch that has an alarm and set it periodically to stop me from stuffing my face between those times. I tend to only drink water or the occasional cup of tea so on that front I'm lucky, thank god. Ty for reading if you managed to it has already made me feel a little better about going gym soon. I shouldn't be so pessimistic but I guess we all start somewhere. peace out.

 

[mizzie]

Welcome to the forums! First and foremost, you are not alone in any of those feelings. Every one of us has had that "what's the point, I can't do this" feeling more than once. One thing to keep in mind is that it's not all or nothing and it's a marathon, not a sprint. If you have a bad day, shrug it off and do better tomorrow! I read somewhere recently that you shouldn't think of it as having to give 100%, but rather 90%. If 90% of the time you are good, stick to your exercise and healthy eating, and give in only the other 10, you'll still see results and not feel so much like you've failed if you fall.


I know how you feel about food bringing you happiness. But it's not really because you are so unhappy with yourself right now. Trust me, the pride you feel when you start taking care of yourself trumps chocolate happiness any day.


I'll share couple of things that have worked for me so far. One is don't think about your exercise, just do it. If you let yourself sit all day thinking about how much you don't want to go to the gym later, it'll be much harder to go. Just think about it the same way you might think about brushing your teeth. Something you just do without really thinking about it much before hand. After a while, when your weight goes down and your energy and strength go up, you'll start actually looking forward to your work outs. Oh, and if you aren't liking your exercise routine, change it! There is a whole world of active things to do, find one you like. You'll be much more likely to stick with it!


As far as food goes, get yourself some low calorie snacks to replace the ones you have now. That way, you can still have a couple small snacks a day, but not blow the weight loss. Also, don't eat with a book or in front of the TV. That's taking your focus off of what you are eating so you don't notice how much you are eating or if you are full. Don't eat until you are stuffed, only eat until you aren't hungry any more. You'll be surprised how much sooner that is. Don't have seconds unless you actually still feel hungry and start with smaller portions. Having a couple small snacks between meals will help you keep meals smaller.


Good luck!

 

[Loch]

AWelcome to the forum!

You sound a lot like me. Well, except the active life before hand. I've always been recluse. Even so, I want to do more things, so I get the way you feel. I'm also a writer, so I tend to just stick to my fantasy world, and my online friends that I write with. It can be so hard .

A good tip is, like Mizzie said, start getting those low-calorie snacks. You can even buy 100 calorie chips for a snack. I started off by saying NO to anyone giving me anything. I would only eat what I brought to work. At home I only ate what I made for myself. Sometimes my mom would make supper, but I told her not to do it as much anymore.

When you have a bad day, don't give up, that's the worst thing you can do. Just dust yourself off and start again. As many of us say, this isn't a race or a diet, it's a lifestyle change. Don't do this for anyone, do it for yourself! You'll feel better the further you get into it.

I recently got out of a bad slump. We all have our ups and downs . Posting here, or even just coming to see other people's success can really help.

Good luck!

 

[eviesmommy]

Hi Cook1e!


I am also 23 years old.....my start weight was 194, and I am 5'4....before I started this, I was the most depressed person ever....I had secluded myself from everybody, including my family...I never left the couch...I hated everything, even food, but then I would have days when I would binge on 7 days work of food all at once...I never even got dressed in the mornings, or brushed my hair...Just felt worthless all the time....I was, and still am, dependent on my computer (I work from home as a graphic designer)....and I just seemed to cry all the time, about nothing....My relationship is (and has been for a while) emotionally abusive.... and it was to the point where I felt if I got up, it would just get worse....I couldnt do anything right without being yelled at or criticized by my BF....everything I did was wrong....it was awful...and I actually HATED myself...and hate is a word that I NEVER used.


I got soo depressed and unhealthy that I started having seizures (but I didnt know thats what they were for months)......on one of the 3 days that I left my house in a month, I had to run into the pharmacy to get some unisom (couldn't sleep more that 1 hour a night during that time), and the pharmacist convinced my into getting a B-12 shot.....I dont like shots, but I didnt even feel that shot.....but 5 minutes later, honestly, I felt like a completely different person....I had energy for the first time in months.....and it was honestly the first time I was able to look at the person I have become...and I new something had to change...so I started eating better, drinking more water......

and then a few weeks later decided to join the gym, and everytime I go, I think of all the things that I have put up with...being talked down to, the awful looks, and I take out my anger in my workout...I even listen to metal when I work out...I get motivated and determined when I am mad, lol


I have lost over 30 lbs in the past 3 months....I eat 1200 calories a day, drink my water, and exercise....and even though me losing weight has put a even bigger strain on my relationship (he HATES me losing weight), I feel sooo much better...and I look forward to going to the gym for my anger management....and like you, I have no nice clothes...I am waiting to reach my goal weight..I just wear my exercise clothes everywhere.


But if I can do it, you can too...you weigh less than my starting weight, and you are taller (wish I was tall ) We will be here to support you!


and to curb sweet cravings, try chewing gum...it works! I eat every 2-3 hours (small amounts) boosts metabolism and keeps you from being hungry! and make sure you get enough water...sometimes when you think you are hungry, you are actually low on water

 

[scbibhouse]

Welcome to our not so little forum cook1e!

If you want help, we can help you...we specialize in people just like you...for most of have had thoughts just like you are having now. The best thing you have done is make the decision to take back control of your life..and let that young womon who is inside of you come back out! She is full of energy and positive thoughts...but she's being smothered by a depressed one who is in charge right now...so let's help get that young energetic woman out of there!

Even though I'm older than you (I was once 23...now I'm 51), I know exactly what you 're going through...and there is a way out. I weighed 269 pounds (122 kg) when I started back on 1 June 2011 and now I'm down to 209 pounds (95 kg) and I'm still working towards my goal of 150 pounds. It's a journey/process, not an event...so I had to make a decision to change...and so far it's working. Like most people, I'm busy, so I wanted something simple I could follow...so here's what's been working for me: 1) No processed sugars or sweets (the occasional fruit is ok) 2) Exercise 1hr every day (I started at 30 minutes each day, now I'm up to the 1 hr), 3) No eating after 6:00pm (some days I don't get home until after 6, and that means I don't have dinner..that's just the way it s, so I miss it...and just drink hot tea to quell any hunger 4) no soft drinks, to include diet drinks (I'm convinced they are bad for a diet even though I was really addicted to them). I eat a big breakfast, a moderate lunch since most of the time during the week, I don't eat dinner. I also drink lots of water..a combination of regular bottled water and also Perrier or soda water...it's a good substitute for soft drinks for me. So far, it's worked to help me take off 60 pounds...and I've got another 50 to go. If I can do it at 51, you can do it at 24!!


We're here to help you, share our experience, strength and hope with you, and also learn from you! I look forward to reading your posts!

 

[Frosteh]

This might seem harsh, and I'm not trying to be deliberately hurtful, but I personally see things like depression and the bad habits of people around you as excuses to try and justify cheating on your diet. No one should be using these excuses, as long as you're capable of rational thought and understanding the consequences to your actions these aren't justifications for cheating.


If you're having a hard time making decisions when it comes to eating you need to try and make the consequences clearer for what you're doing. I count calories, its the only scientifically backed method for losing weight, everything else is mostly nonsense. You need to calculate an appropriate daily calorie limit, and plan meals to fit that limit, if you want to snack then you need to work out the calories in that snack and try and fit it in to your daily routine.


Trust me you wont eat through a packet of biscuits when that's something like 1000 calories, if you're trying to maintain strict diet of something like 1200-1500 calories per day, the consequences of your actions are starkly clear.


What you eat is a CHOICE, and by blaming it on depression you're trying to excuse yourself by pretending that you don't have a choice, which simply isn't true. This is why I believe it's best to be up front about this sort of thing, I could sympathize with you about being depressed but I'd just be reinfocing this notion that somehow it's a valid reason for making bad choices, and it's not.