Squeeze My Lemons

L

lusciouslemon

New member
I'm not sure if this is an "appropriate" title for a diary, but it makes me giggle, so I'll keep it.

I swore I'd never start a diary. As a kid I'd start a diary, stick with it for a couple months, re-read it, be mortified by how stupid I sounded, and destroy it. I went through this cycle a few times and gave up. But now that I'm older and hardly any wiser, I'm throwing caution to the wind. Since I can easily talk the ear off of anyone, I'm sure my "real life" family and friends would like the break! Plus dieting is one of the few things I really don't talk to people about. I guess it has been my dirty little secret.

Here's the 411 to start:

I'm 27, engaged, and a grad student. I have a wickedly dirty sense of humor that has definitely gotten me into trouble more than once.

I have always been insecure about my weight (like so many others). I finally got around to SERIOUSLY losing weight this September, after a summer of somehow deciding that it was quite reasonable to let myself gain about 16lbs in less than four months (it was devilishly fun, though). After summer, I weighed 182 lbs and did not fit a single thing I owned. I bought some bigger clothes and told myself to stop being such a friggin' moron.

In 2000, I lost 20lbs (I weighed 140) and kept it off for 3 years. Then I let it slowly come back with new buddies after I met my fiance in 2003. He made me feel more secure about who I was and the way I looked. Not to mention going out to eat on dates really changed my eating habits. I stopped paying attention and really denied that my body was changing for the worse.

So I knew I could do it again, but I just couldn't commit to doing it. I was a bit wishy-washy. But after seeing the scale hit numbers that I didn't even know existed, I knew that I was somewhere in the bermuda triangle of weight gain and I hardly knew how I got there. Seeing myself in the outskirts of the "Obesity" category in the BMI calculator, I realized that I could no longer call myself "a little chubby" or "slightly overweight". My denial shattered.

So now, almost five months after the fog has lifted (and a 20lbs loss), I'm starting to think that everything is going to be okay. I've set a goal of 140lbs and hope to achieve it by this summer. I get married in 2009, so as long as I reach it by then I'd be satisfied. I think I can hit it sooner and maybe, just maybe, if the heavens open up and rain some weight loss powers on me, I'll lose even more. It would be the icing on the cake (that I won't eat).

I've been counting calories and writing down everything I eat, which is what I did the first time I lost weight. I have started hitting the gym 5 times a week this month, which is a new experience. I got a membership in summer, but couldn't use it because I was in a roll over car accident in summer and was having back problems (I'll save that talk for later).

Well, by now you: a) know my 411
b) can commiserate with my friends over my blah, blahhing
c) are really starting to doubt my dirty sense of humor.

I'll call it a day and start again later.
 
So today, I saw a new number on the scale. Sure, it wasn't much, but its nice to see something different. Its funny, but I actually get excited about simply seeing a new digit. Its not even about just knowing that it signifies weight loss. Its more like: "Why hello '1' its so nice to see you. Its been a while. I almost forgot you were still out there. We'll see you around again in another 10lbs."

So I missed hitting the gym yesterday. I was just getting changed into my workout duds when the phone rang. I forgot that someone was going to pick me up in 15mins to run some errands. Thank goodness, he called before I left for the gym. My brain is dead set against remembering dates and times. I had only made the plans earlier that morning and still managed to forget. Duhh.

I'm going to work out in a half hour before I go out for the evening. I'm trying to go...no scratch that...I'm going to go to the gym 5 times a week. I'm aiming for the weekdays, because I find it a lot easier to get myself to go after class than it is to get out of my weekend pajamas and venture out of my homework cocoon. I guess tomorrow I'll have to go since I missed yesterday.

Well, I'm excited about getting closer to the 160lb mark. I made a deal with myself that when I hit that magic number I'll go out to a bridal consignment store to look for THE DRESS. I'm not planning to buy it yet but, its sooo much fun to look. I figure that if I check the store out every three weeks or so I have a better chance of finding THE DRESS I really want for the price I can afford. I found a dress I absolutely love but, alas, it is far to expensive for my "macaroni and cheese" budget. I'm sorry but a grand is far to much for one day of my life. Consignment store here I come!
 
Hello. Thank you for visiting my diary! I read yours and LOVE your sense of humor. I know how hard it is to juggle school, work, eating healthy, homework, exercising, seeing the fiance, and the whole shebang! It's never easy and its probably harder for you because you are in graduate school, whereas I am still in my undergrad! I too am planning on getting married in the summer of 09! If you dont mind me asking.. what are you going to grad school for? I hope to hear back from you and good luck on your weight loss and workouts! I'm hear for you if you ever need to talk!!!

Katie
 
Thanks for all the wonderful replies:hurray:

I am doing my masters in Landscape Architecture. This was why I had to move. It is only offered in five schools in Canada. It's been pretty wonderful. I'm in my second year of a three year program. Surprisingly, my entry class consisted of 18 girls. A very odd thing. There is normally about a 40% males and 60% females. I thought it might get catty but it hasn't. Contrary to what my fiance thinks, we do not have pillow fights in our undies.

We had a party at the school tonight.The theme was "WIG OUT", where we all wear wigs, drink, and dance. Its pretty fun, but this year (it is an annual thing) it ended a bit earlier because we started it earlier. We decided to hold a $2 chili dinner at the beginning of the party. It was incredible popular, so we were shocked when we ran out of chili a half hour in! I am proud to say that my veggie chili got rave reviews. It went so quick that I didn't even get any! So tomorrow I'm going to make a pot for myself. I made up the recipe as I went along, but it turned out great. I wouldn't have lived it down if it sucked, especially when you're the chubby girl. Chubby girls should know everything about food, right?! I'll put the recipe in here tomorrow in case anyone wants to give it a try. Plus, I need to immortalize it because of my sketchy memory. Sure, I can remember tons of useless trivia, but as soon as its even the slightest bit practical...

I'm pretty pleased with myself. I only had one drink and drank club soda the rest of the time. So that didn't mess up my calories too badly today. Since I didn't get any chili, which was supposed to be my supper, I was okay to eat some chips and junk without going overboard. I even had two cookies, and they were heavenly. I definitely enjoyed them a lot more than when they weren't taboo. I find that drinking is really diet sabotage because not only does alcohol contain a fair amount of calories, it tends to lower my resistance to the munchies. If I resist the alcohol, I way better off.

Goodnight and thanks for the wonderful words. Keep in touch.
 
So I guess things are going fairly well today. I went to the gym this morning (and yes 11am still is the morning). It actually felt pretty good and I managed to leave with a smile on my face. Believe it or not there were two women over 80 there!! I was amazed. I mean if they can manage to go work out, then I am a real loser when I whine and complain about scraping my ass off the couch.

I've been cleaning my apartment today and my god, did it need it. Anyways, I am not done yet but as you can see I am on here procrastinating. Did I mention that procrastination is one of my biggest hobbies...I am so skilled that I think I have elevated it to the realm of sport.
 
The Veggie Chili Recipe

1 Tb oil
4 cloves garlic, pressed
1/2 large onion, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 large green pepper, diced
two small zuchinni, 1/4" slices
some portion of a can of chipotle peppers (depending on preference)
1 can beans in tomato sauce
1 can white kidney beans
1 can black beans
1 small can of plain tomato sauce
ground chili pepper
cumin
salt
fresh cilantro

Heat oil and add garlic. Saute until golden. Add onion and celery and a chipotle pepper. Cook a couple minutes. Add 1/4-1/2c water and the green peppers and zucchini. Cook until tender but not soft. Throw everything into slow cooker. Add everything else, except for the cilantro. Add as much chipotle as you like. Cook on low for several hours, or on high for 2hrs. Add chopped cilantro for the last 1/2 hour.
 
So today, I am a little annoyed even though I shouldn't be. I got on the scale today and low and behold, I am up a 1.5lb today. I know its water because I've been eating fine. I know, I know, I know. Suck it up, princess. It'll probably go away.

I know that I am getting scale obsessed. This has got to stop. I have decided to not weigh myself daily. I only started doing this month or so ago out of paranoia. I am going to cut back to twice a week which is more than enough. I used to weigh myself once a week and that was absolutely fine.

I've never been one to rip a band-aid off in one go. I've always had to work it off slowly. This is the same. I'll ween myself down to once a week very soon.

So I made a giant pot of chili yesterday. I had to modify it according to what I had in the house. It ends up working out to be 178 cal/cup. That's pretty damn good and it is very filling. I froze a bunch of it, so I will have quick dinners when I need it. Plus, ten cups of chili would mean that I would be eating chili for far too long!
 
i think the trick to diaries is to never read back. I have had the same one now for 18 months or so and i never read back.

Love your sense of humour though :)
 
Wishes,

LOL... yeah, reading back is begging for trouble. Not too mention that since I blab so much, I'd probably be old and grey by the time I finished reading 18 months of my yammering!

Linzee,
The recipe is just something I made up, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are similar recipes out there. I'd love to try your mom's recipe. I'll check in on your diary to see if it shows up sometime. What am I saying? I probably be eating my frozen chili for the next six months!!

The modified batch I made a couple days ago didn't have celery in it and it tasted just as good. I froze it in two cup containers. I know what you mean about figuring out what is good to freeze and what isn't. I figure that if they sell prepackaged frozen varieties of the same thing in the grocery store than it should be fine. Otherwise, I call my mom. Thank god for mothers!!
 
So I haven't worked out today. My back has been bothering me today. I guess the car accident injuries have crept back a little. I really need to book a physiotherapy appointment tomorrow. Car insurance is still covering my appointment payments so I have no reason not to go. They are incredibly painful but they make a big difference.

Tonight, I better do the core stability exercises that my kinesiology has been making me do. They consist of a bunch of hard-core ab, TA, and back muscles strengthening exercises. They take me about 45 minutes. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them...but they have made a big change. 80 crunches is not my idea of fun. I probably should book an appointment with him as well. Insurance covers my appointments so I should be grateful to have the one-on-one training he provides. Not to mention that he is sooo damn hot...

Okay, so I'll admit it I cheated today and pulled out the scale. I swear this is the last time until my offical weigh-in day. I just had to know if my weight went back to where it was supposed to be. And its back down (and a bit more)...Hallelujah! I am annoyed that I gave in though.

What the heck would happen if I ever had a really serious addiction like drugs?! I know addictive behavior is in my nature (and family history), so just avoid trying a lot of things even once. My food addiction keeps me occupied enough as it is!
 
So I worked out today and ate well, so everything is going alright. I have NOT weighed myself today, so I'm not a complete flake.

My back is still bothering me a bit, but its manageable. It wasn't any worse after working out. So thats a good sign. I avoided any machines that might aggravate it.

Hopefully by tomorrow, my fiance and I will have set a wedding date and booked our venue. Yaah! I am very excited.
 
lol me and husband were engaged for yonks then finally family put the pressure on us, so we just picked a date at random, it was a friday so we moved it to the next day which was a saturday and that was it. No particular special significance :)
 
I am so excited!!! I have crossed into the 150's today. Goodbye 160's. This means that I am passed the halfway point in my "journey".
 
So I had one of the greatest feelings today. I did some laundry and went to put it away. I noticed that I would need to reorganize my drawers in order to fit it all in (funny how a small job can turn into a large one). So as I'm grumbling away working on it, I realized that there's probably some clothes that I should ditch. So I upgrade some of my "home" clothes by downgrading some of my "good" clothes. I start trying some of my stuff on to see if it cuts the mustard. Low and behold some of the clothes are WAY TOO BIG. I mean, I had a cute little corduroy skirt that I bought at the end of August and it now literally falls off. I was blown away. I figured that some of my clothes would be loose but completely wearable. Man, was I wrong!! I mean, wearing some of it would mean unwittingly performing a strip tease in the middle of the street if I even tried to go out in it. I guess I'm going to need some new clothes when the weather warms up!
 
:waving:Hiya, Luscious!

Congratulations on the weight you've lost so far! Wow, you are doing incredibly well!

So pleased that those old clothes are falling right off ya! LOL Love that feeling...

Also congratulations on your upcoming wedding and marriage! You are entering such an amazing time in your life. Very, very happy! You've got it goin' on, sweetie!

Cheers
ABBA
 
Thanks for all the wonderful support, gals. I really appreciate it:)

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So today is not going to be a positive posting day. I need to rant, vent, and grieve today. So if your day is going peachy-keen, you might just want to pass my diary by...I won't mind.

So anyways...my grandpa passed away on Sunday evening. He had been in the hospital for the last month. A couple weeks ago I flew home to see him one last time. I'm glad I made the trip.

My immediate family has been estranged, or a better word for it...excommunicated by my mom side of the family for about ten years. There were false allegations and vicious rumors spread by one particular family member that severely hurt my family. We tried to set things straight, but we were told to just let it be. The damage was already done and we were cut off by all members except for my grandpa (though it stressed out relationship with him greatly).

My mom has had to find out about my grandpa's illness and eventual death through third parties and distant relatives. When she visited him at the hospital, the family members made it very clear that she was not welcome. It was very difficult for her to go into a situation of such hostility but she still went. I am very proud of her. Needless to say we have been cut off from any input into the funeral, etc. My mom has dealt with this very well, through she is hurting very deeply. We know that we will be treated like outsiders at the funeral. We had accepted this fact. It hurts me a great deal that my entire childhood when I spent a lot of time with him will be erased by the family as if it never existed. In talking with my sisters, I have decided to give an impromptu eulogy for him for our side of the family at the funeral. The other family members will know nothing about this, because they will not allow it otherwise. I am finding it very difficult to focus on my fond memories of my grandpa when I feel such anger towards the rest of the family.

I grieved the loss of this family years ago and so I do not feel any connection to these people. However, I am now having to deal with the anger and resentment I feel towards their heartless and cruel actions once again. To make things worse, my aunt and uncle decided that it was appropriate to leave for a cruise the day after my grandpa died. The funeral has been postponed until they return a week later. I am so angry. How can somebody just leave their parent's body in a morgue cooler somewhere so they can go vacation??!!! I am so appalled!! My mom is so horrified and hurt. She feels no closure and no end of grief.

I have been having a lot of trouble grieving. I can't seem to separate my anger against the family from my grief for my grandpa. I don't want to be angry. I got over the anger years ago and now it has come back. I suffered terrible migraines and sleepless nights over this for years. I overcame it, only to have it come all come back. I can't wait until this is all over.

I have felt all my emotions pent up inside and have been unable to cry up until now. I am glad I have written all of this. It seems to have helped. This is the first time that I have been able to cry (though I can't imagine that tears are good for a keyboard *LOL*). Writing is therapy, I guess. I am writing this more for my benefit than to solicit sympathy. I would just erase it but I think I will need to reflect on this later. I hope I haven't brought anyone down with me.

I'm flying home soon so I am not sure if I'll be able to write much in the near future. We will see how things go.

AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO EAT MY STRESS AWAY!! I am making a very conscious effort to stay on track. Not to mention I need to blow the nasty family away by my extremely hot body. LOL!!! (And, yes, I have a tasteless sense of humor even when I'm upset. It how I deal with everything, happiness, stress, guilt, anger...)
 
I am loving the posts you made so far, please don't leave us when you reach your goal. :) Congratulations on the engagement! I am keeping my fingers crossed for your weight loss but if you are determined one half as you are interesting I am sure it will be a piece of cake. Ok, maybe that was a bad comparison. :))
 
And I am so very sorry to hear about your grandpa. I just read that last post and it really touched me. I hope you are doing okay. Let us know how is everything going.
 
Milk and Linzee,

Thanks for the posts. It has been awhile. Thanks for the kind thoughts.
I am definitely feeling a lot better now that the funeral is over and I can move on.

So, this week is spring break for us canucks. I went back home to my parents for the funeral last week. Its been nice being home and spending time with my family and fiance. The timing for the funeral actually worked out pretty good because I have been able to spend 2 continuous weeks at home. Now I have to catch up on my homework from last week. I really really don't want to.

I'll fill you all in on the details of the last week in due time. I got to stop procrastinating and work on homework.I'll update my ticker then...and yes I have gained a couple pounds :( :( :( I'm getting back on track, though.
 
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