SoSel is back and Oh-Nine is Mine! :D

Woo-freakin'-Hoo!!!

I did it! I hit my first mini-goal!

In this past month, I've really lost myself. I've been sick, dealing with PMS, tired, depressed, unmotivated, insecure- the whole package deal. I never fully quit. If I only exercised twice a week, it was better than nothing. If my food intake wasn't perfect, it's always been improved. So, it paid off. Not giving up and wallowing in Ben and Jerry's has paid off!

I guess I'll post here more now b/c apparently even my perceived failures can lead to success. I'm just too hard on myself. Keep me in line, peeps!
 


Being a tomboy, it feels weird to sit here all “made up” for no reason other than trying to see the beauty in myself. So why cover it in make up? Well, there’s no real answer for that. I’m trying to force myself to see myself. Know what I mean?

When my hubby was last here, at the beginning of Feb, I weighed 209 lbs. Now, right before his return, I weigh 190. As he pointed out, that’s 20 lbs since he last saw me! 20 lbs in 3 months. Not too shabby. But I don’t see a difference. Sure, I’m smaller and losing inches, but I can’t see it day-to-day.

And I should. Everyone else does. But there’s the fat chick in me telling me to quit trying, it doesn’t matter. I’m not pretty. I’ll never be thin. I might as well enjoy food instead of life. You know that voice. It’s so d-mn self-defeating! I’m so sick of being sick of myself. So I put on the make-up and force myself to see me. The hazel eyes, the freckles, the dissapearing double-chin, my Native cheek bones. I want the reality to sink in. No, I’m not ugly. No, I’m not fat. I’m not a lot of other things. I’m a pretty woman dissapearing inside my own insecurities.

Why is it that it’s so easy to love and accept others, regardless of their size of comparitive beauty, but we can’t look at ourselves and be kind? It always surprises me when someone mentions wanting to lose weight. It doesn’t occur to me that they should. I don’t see people that way. But I see it in myself. And now that I’ve lost some, it’s just not real. I don’t feel any different than I did 25 lbs ago, except that now I can walk easily. Sometimes I can almost run.

Other than that, I did weight train lower body today with cardio. Tomorrow I’m going out for a bike ride. Hopefully 12-14 miles. :) I forgot how long the trail is. I may have hit the first goal, but I got quite a few more to go! Plus, working out fills up this new space in my day. I just do it, like drinking coffee or brushing my teeth. Sometimes I even look forward to it.
 
I don't know what to make of half of what is going on these days. I spend too much time reading food labels and calculating calories burned to really spend time on me- other than that make-up thing in the last blog. That lasted 3 days.

Most days I feel on auto-pilot. I don't even try to paint, write stories, or scrapbook anymore. My days are work outs, house cleaning, kids, schedules, and fitness and weight loss related things. I haven't had a chance to sleep in, get deliciously drunk and dance, have a night of girl talk, enjoy the taste of ice cream, or even have sex for that matter for quite a while. Excuse me, but I'm just blunt like that. Being a "single" parent is hard work. I don't want to be in this position permanently and I'm not even working! How do people do it?

Well, back to weight loss... My brother and I rode 12 miles today on our bikes. Not all of it was easy. A lot of it was uphill, so, yes, there was some easy-breezy downhill times too! Anyway, I've been on this route countless times, but today was the FIRST day I have ever made it all the hills! :) I was shocked! Go me!

Well, I must get to dinner. Work work work...
 
Hey SoSel! Just sliding thru to see whats happenin on your end.. I feel the same.. auto pilot. I feel so consumed sometimes. I feel like the rest of my life is unraveling at times. All my activities if there are any, revolve around working out and meal planning. Soooo exhausing. I feel a burnout coming on.

I hope you have a good weekend. Lets try and refocus. I need someone to plan my time LOL>. I definately need balance.
 
SoSel said:
IMy brother and I rode 12 miles today on our bikes. Not all of it was easy. A lot of it was uphill, so, yes, there was some easy-breezy downhill times too! Anyway, I've been on this route countless times, but today was the FIRST day I have ever made it all the hills! :) I was shocked! Go me!
Click to expand...

:hurray:THIS IS AWESOME:hurray:
 
I drank a good bit last night, piled high on top of Mexican food, and I'm surprised I still weighed 190 this morning! The Gods of Birthdays must be looking out for the Moon Goddess 'cuz I just knew I was gonna wake up with even bigger thunder thighs and ghetto booty this morning. I put a link to a happily boozed pic of myself from last night.

My hubby will be home in 2 weeks for a month! So I better get back to housecleaning. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top