Skittle's Journey To A Better Life

I only exercised an hour today because I hate when my Mom makes comments about how good I look, just out-of-the-blue. It makes me angry and then depressed because I feel like she isn't being sincere. *Sigh.* More time to make-up tomorrow...oh wow...tomorrow is THE DAY BEFORE WEIGH-IN!!! Time to get serious...
 
I haven't lost ANYTHING this week. UGH. I didn't exercise for a few days and some day I didn't go the full 90 minutes. But...

-I turned down KFC. I ate a few bites of a biscuit to make Mary Ann happy, but as I tend to overeat when I'm with her, and this was at her house...I was so PROUD of myself.

-Biiig Thanksgiving-style lunch with her family the following day. Her Dad sliced me a huge slab of turkey breast. I mean, wow. I had a spoon of potatoes and Mary Ann put so much corn on my plate...but that's all I ate. I skipped the gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, squash and I didn't even eat the skin from the turkey. Her family piles mountains of food onto their plates. I felt so damn proud. I didn't even drink any soda, which is what was offered to drink.

Once again, I'm going to tell myself this is a new week and I can do better. Exercise, homework and errands today...no fun today. Nope nope nope.
 
I'm gaining weight...I'm gaining weight...I'm gaining weight...

Or at least I feel like. I'm cutting my exercise routine down 30 minutes this week just to experiment. Hmmm we'll see how it goes. I'm hella nervous but no way am I getting on the scale until Sunday.
 
Yes yes yes yes yesss! Edited documentary on the drag show is going to be in the art show tomorrow. I have an interview set up on Friday at 2pm to work in the museum store in the Portland Art Museum. HECK YES!!! Funny thing is...it made me want to eat less. What a connection.

Things are going good. So so so so so good.
 
I'm starting back up...

Today...after a really rough 2 weeks...I'm down in the 100s!!! I can't remember when I was last here. Probably before I began worrying about image and the social handicap being overweight can become. 196...I weigh 196. YES!!! Listening to Joyful Girl (Ani Difranco) while typing this is making me feel all empowered. :D So what if my clothes don't really show (to me, anyway) that I've lost another 4 pounds? I'm 196!!!
 
Since my surgery to remove my wisdom teeth, I bet I haven't lost anything. The past few days I have binged like mad. I ate myself sick not even an hour ago. Why am I doing this? I need to stop. NEED to STOP. Tomorrow will be better, this is true, but the rest of today, starting right now, doesn't have to go in the same direction that it has been going. I'm going out for a walk right now. It's cold and it's windy, but I have to start somewhere if I'm going to begin exercising regularly again after not being on the Gazelle for over TWO WEEKS. My Mom is asleep and I can't exercise on it right now...but I can do something.
 
My first time

I did it! I fasted for a whole day yesterday!!! I only drank a Carnation instant breakfast, water, V8 and 2 nonfat smoothies...I also chewed a ton of gum. I did it to punish myself for binging, to reconnect with the feeling of hunger and appretiation of food and as a test of self-discipline. Today, I'm eating light, mostly just fruits and vegetables and I have already had an instant breakfast. I'm damn proud of myself for being able to do it. :D

I see Nate tomorrow...he told me I 'have a cute body'. Awww. :p

I think I'll go for a walk if it isn't too cold out...
 
Wow...it's April...Easter is in a week exactly. I have to get something for my Mom. Ugh, it seems whenever I turn around, another holiday to go out and blow money on is sneaking up around the corner. Lame. I do love Easter, and I hope we can find time this week to dye eggs and make sugar cookies, but...I don't have a job in part because I'm a lazy slacker and thus have no money.

I jumped right on the scale this morning. No big breath or closing my eyes before looking down. I just did it. 187. How? Do I really look like I've lost 9 pounds? Especially with how my eating habits have been the past few weeks while I've hidden from the scale the past few Sundays. Hm...I just don't understand. I can understand losing some weight...but losing 9? And 40-something total? I am utterly confused.

Yesterday I went to a candy factory run by two adorable gay boys...not only adorable, but so NICE! For 5 hours yesterday, they opened their doors to pass out free ice cream cones, salt water taffy, fudge, and really yummy carmel corn :cool: to everyone...and there were A LOT of people coming in. I never thought free sweets could draw such a crowd.

I'm going to exercise today...my first time since my surgery. No putting it off anymore. Today it is happening. No day but today.

Nate last night...Nate kept telling me I had a really nice body...I don't know why skinny boys like big girls. He's incredibly skinny, but nice muscles. :rolleyes: I officially lost my lesbian gold star status last night:eek: ...I'm still trying to grasp the reality of it. I don't feel changed, and I don't know how to comprehend that feeling. It was...fun. He had a few problems with, um, performing, but he told me why 1.) We were in his backseat in a public park. 2.) He just met me last week. *Sigh.* I've found my Jay. :D He's not the best kisser...like, whoa easy on the tongue, buddy. Lol. Minor issue.

Queer Prom is 41 days away...oh geez...I'd better start thinking about where I want to be with this journey at that point...and the boy clothes I'll be wearing! I'm thinking about going with an emo boy look. New haircut perhaps.
 
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I'm exercising again. Yaaay. It feels good to have those little smiley face stickers begin to cover my calendar as I write down 60 in the lower left hand corner of the day. Even better when as far as eating is concerned, it was a good day and I deserve a little check mark at the top. Two smiley faces, one check mark. Today will earn me both. I'm loving Kashi Go Lean Crunch lately...with strawberries. Mmm. I actually feel full for hours.

Ora asked me yesterday what my hobbies were...I was thinking this morning: wouldn't it be pathetic if I said eating is a hobby of mine? That's changing. I'm bored more often than not...but now when I feel like eating for anything else besides hunger, I have some tea or water or a piece of gum...a piece of gum really helps fight the urge to eat. When I think about eating, I focus on how my stomach feels. If I don't feel hunger, I figure there is no reason I should be eating. I hope that mentality sticks with me.

Tonight, I have that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern essay to begin...it's due Friday. Uuugh. I should probably re-read R&GaD, considering I can't really distinguish if some parts are from that, or from Waiting for Godot. I'm a second semester, fourth quarter senior...and the pressure is on. I think I should start putting my little short horror film into action...get Ducky to help me with it. I mean, I have access to some pretty decent technology...I should take advantage.

School time now. Here I gooooo.
 
Mother Nature has decided to grace the beginning of our Maine April with an old fashioned Nor' Eastah (translation: North Easter, for those not fluent in New England speak:p ). I'll take it as an opportunity to go outside and shovel the few feet of snow we have right now. However, I routinely got into the shower this morning without even remembering that there had been talk of a statewide snow day today, so now my hair is wet and I'm being forced to wait until it's dry before I venture outdoors.

I binged last night. I started eating everything I know I should eat in moderation. First it was pistachio ice cream, then a packaged goo-filled angel food cake, a pack of those 100 calorie Hostess cakes, a 100 calorie Hershey's chocolate bar...I could have eaten more, but I honestly can't remember. Isn't that pathetic? Then, I made myself vomit. It wasn't a comfortable, easy or enjoyable process. I wanted to only flush the toilet once, so I actually peed and figured I still needed to vomit, so I did. At one point, I vomitted and after the plunk, vomit and urine splashed up into my face and hair. My nose was running, my eyes were watery and tears were coming down my face, my face was red. After ten or so minutes of this process, my heart started beating faster and my mouth was burning, so I stopped. I hadn't stopped until I had been getting some solids up. I was eating with such wrecklessness. I couldn't believe myself...it's like my stomach and emotions were completely overpowering what my mind was screaming: STOP! IT'S NOT WORTH THIS! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY!!! I remember now...I also ate some reduced fat peanut butter and a few finger scoops of Nutella. I actually took those Hostess cakes to my room and could not devour them fast enough. I was ashamed of letting my Mother see.

I found a website that I'm going to join, support for this ED I have. I know it's not normal, and even though I'm not dying from it or something, I should still get help with it. Look at all the fun symptoms:
fluctuations in weight, often going from one extreme to the other (underweight to overweight)
dental cavities caused by stomach acid during vomiting
dehydration
fatigue and dizziness
constipation and abdominal pains
swelling of the salivary glands (leading to "chipmunk cheeks" - enlarged cheeks or jowls)†
menstruation ceases or is irregular
stomach ulceration
bowel damage
inflammation, and occasionally tearing, of the esophagus
laxative addiction
tingling in the hands and feet
electrolyte imbalances, which can lead to heart failure

I will not binge today. I will not binge today. I will not binge today.

What I want...
I want to lose weight in a healthy process for queer prom and graduation.
What I have to do...
Exercise 60 minutes or more every day and follow the guidelines I set up for myself. I must go through this journey in a healthy way.

What I want...
I want a high GPA by the end of this school year. I want an A in AP English.
What I have to do...
Focus and dedicate myself to my school work. I have to write my essay that is due tomorrow today and I have to begin my author paper and my senior scrapbook.

I WILL BE HEALTHY TODAY.
 
My fast went extremely well yesterday. I had an instant breakfast in the morning, and for the rest of the day I drank tons of water. We did a massive amount of running around yesterday, so the temptation for eating was dramatically lessened...though as the day began to wind down, I had barely any energy at all. It was awful.

Tomorrow is Easter...that means tempting goodies and then dinner with my Dad and Verillo's...if he starts to nag me about not eating (since my brilliant Mother decided to tell him I was fasting) I'm going to be pissed. He made me feel fat after we ate at IHOP. Wtf ever.
 
Right. All I have to do today is keep up the same momentum and positivity that I have had this morning since the time I woke up. For breakfast this morning I had 1 cup Kashi Go Lean Crunch 1/2 skim milk and 1/4 cup rasberries. For lunch I'll probably be eating a banana and carrot sticks or an apple and for dinner I think we're having chicken and asparagus. Sounds reasonable. I have to get in 80 ounces of water minimum. I'll chew gum when I'm stressed--I won't eat and I will not binge.

Let the day begin...

The word of the day is titivate, meaning to make smarter or decorate.

Example: Easter is over...enough with the holidays! Now we won't have to titivate the house again until Halloween!!!
 
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