so i was thinking today about what triggered me into this health binge. i remember exactly what it was, too. i went to my usual spot to get cigs and the little paki old man behind the counter told me i had gained a lot weight since my license picture had been taken. i was so offended, i just grabbed my shit and walked outta there. who the fuck is that guy to criticize my weight? it took that to get me to finally jump on board, and im totally on forever. its going to take such a long time for my goal, i cant stop thinking about how long its gona take and how i have to work hard for my entire life to stay where i want to be. im one of those people who wants what they want it when they want it. like your typical american, i cannot wait for anything, i have to have it delivered express.
i think about all the people who i feel dislike [d] me because of my weight. guys that broke up with me because of it, and just random people who never thought i was cool enough because i was fat, even tho im the cats fuckin meow. i dress well, and i carry myself well [mentally and physically]. its super easy for me to understand how my confidence pisses off other people or just makes them not like me. im gona get honest with you [and hypocritical], but i really hate fate people. eating disorders, i understand, bt you can only use that as an excuse to a certain extent. it all started for me when i was really young. it was summer time, and my babysitter took me to dunkin donuts [heh go figure]. in front of us in line was this lady who was just sooo big, im talkin like at least 350-400 lbs, possibly more. she could barely keep herself standing let alone walk. i saw her lean on the counter, and then the counter like bent up and back as she got up and leaned again. it made me sick...at that time, i was already over weight, and i was damn sure of what foods were good and what foods were not so good. all i could think was, "why the hell is this lady here?" fer serious, i still wonder how extremely morbidly obese people get the balls to go to dunkin donuts and get some fried doh! i feel bad talking about it, but i promised myself id never let myself get any bigger than i was before. ive been up to 280 before, but then again my back was turned and i think the nurse at the doc was lying to get me to lose weight...lol...cuz i really didnt feel like i was 280, and thats not what my scale at home said [i did trust the doctors scale]. i dont want ya all to like hate on me for hatin on fat ppl, i just dont like extremely fat people who think they are happy.
i dated this dude last summer for like 3 months, he drove me fucking INSANE! he was a pretty fat and he ate nothing but fast food EVERY...DAY! the only time he didnt eat fast food was when i cooked for him. it was so disgusting. he tried to act like he was a picky eater, but he really just liked to eat that shit. id make good ass food n he'd be like, "i dont like thaaat..", but then he'd try some n be like, "mm thas good'. i tried putting healthy foods in his fridge [cuz there was nothing but captain and dr. pepper lol], and he would let them go to waste ugh it would piss me off so bad. he was like...totally content on eating fast food. he even insisted that he was LOSING weight! i was like..."boooy, im no scale, but you lay on toppa me, and thats total bullshit". lol...i was so appalled that he was under the impression that its possible to lose weight on an all fast food, pop, and alcohol diet [with no exercise]. ugh i dumped him so quick. i think that healthy people are attractive, and i want to be with someone who likes to eat as healthy as i do i.e. no pop, no fast food. now ill eat bbq chicken made by farmer joe at the state fair, but no fucking mcdonalds, no wendys, no burger king, no arbys, and NOOO WHITE CASSTTTLLEE!! along with mcdonalds, i think white castle is the devil. ok you corporate retards....we used to call em 'slyders' cuz they slyyyyyyde RIGHT THRU YA! thats totally not a good thing, and its not a good thing for you to advertise your burgers as 'slyders' lmao. seriously tho, white castle gives you serious diarrhea, NO MATTER WHAT! so if you're visiting the midwest, and you think u wanna try, i highly suggest against it. my ex loved burger king and taco bell. taco bell always gives u the runs too, stay away.
this has to be for real. if i stop posting, do me a solid and im me on aim like multiple times and tell me how much of a cow i am. cuz chances are, if i stop posting, im straying from my path. ive never held on to a regimen like this. ive never worked out and ate healthy every day for almost 2 months...never. i always fucked up. id sleep all day, stay up all night, watch tv, drink a lot. it was not good before...i had some bad habits. from like january to early april, i was drinking beer every night. wasnt getting wasted alllll the time, but always drinking. took a lot of pills too. mostly klonopin, xanax, norco, anything to numb my emotional pain. "ooonly once the drugs are done, is that i feel like dying"....that song came on the radio one night as i was drivin home [drunk as hell], at 3 in the mornin from my guy's crib. we had just had a fight, and i had been crying in my car in the parking lot...i started my car and drove outta there blasting the music to overpower my thoughts, but hearing those lyrics totally put me into perspective. its easy for me to fall into shit like that, but i promise i always keep one toe on the ground, and its just as easy to fall out. ive had worse times. times that made me feel like my weight...my size...is nothin but a blessing. there have been nights where ive mixed up to 8 different substances in one night, and still was able to drive home. that was like, before i was 21 too. i started to lay off los drugas early last year. there is a civil war going on inside my head, but i feel like im the only one that can create peace.....and i am. one day ata time....
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It's really still one day (sometimes one hour or one minute) at a time for me. 
