Shreds of my Insanity.

WakeN Bake Girl said:
so i was thinking today about what triggered me into this health binge. i remember exactly what it was, too. i went to my usual spot to get cigs and the little paki old man behind the counter told me i had gained a lot weight since my license picture had been taken. i was so offended, i just grabbed my shit and walked outta there. who the fuck is that guy to criticize my weight? it took that to get me to finally jump on board, and im totally on forever. its going to take such a long time for my goal, i cant stop thinking about how long its gona take and how i have to work hard for my entire life to stay where i want to be. im one of those people who wants what they want it when they want it. like your typical american, i cannot wait for anything, i have to have it delivered express.

i think about all the people who i feel dislike [d] me because of my weight. guys that broke up with me because of it, and just random people who never thought i was cool enough because i was fat, even tho im the cats fuckin meow. i dress well, and i carry myself well [mentally and physically]. its super easy for me to understand how my confidence pisses off other people or just makes them not like me. im gona get honest with you [and hypocritical], but i really hate fate people. eating disorders, i understand, bt you can only use that as an excuse to a certain extent. it all started for me when i was really young. it was summer time, and my babysitter took me to dunkin donuts [heh go figure]. in front of us in line was this lady who was just sooo big, im talkin like at least 350-400 lbs, possibly more. she could barely keep herself standing let alone walk. i saw her lean on the counter, and then the counter like bent up and back as she got up and leaned again. it made me sick...at that time, i was already over weight, and i was damn sure of what foods were good and what foods were not so good. all i could think was, "why the hell is this lady here?" fer serious, i still wonder how extremely morbidly obese people get the balls to go to dunkin donuts and get some fried doh! i feel bad talking about it, but i promised myself id never let myself get any bigger than i was before. ive been up to 280 before, but then again my back was turned and i think the nurse at the doc was lying to get me to lose weight...lol...cuz i really didnt feel like i was 280, and thats not what my scale at home said [i did trust the doctors scale]. i dont want ya all to like hate on me for hatin on fat ppl, i just dont like extremely fat people who think they are happy.

i dated this dude last summer for like 3 months, he drove me fucking INSANE! he was a pretty fat and he ate nothing but fast food EVERY...DAY! the only time he didnt eat fast food was when i cooked for him. it was so disgusting. he tried to act like he was a picky eater, but he really just liked to eat that shit. id make good ass food n he'd be like, "i dont like thaaat..", but then he'd try some n be like, "mm thas good'. i tried putting healthy foods in his fridge [cuz there was nothing but captain and dr. pepper lol], and he would let them go to waste ugh it would piss me off so bad. he was like...totally content on eating fast food. he even insisted that he was LOSING weight! i was like..."boooy, im no scale, but you lay on toppa me, and thats total bullshit". lol...i was so appalled that he was under the impression that its possible to lose weight on an all fast food, pop, and alcohol diet [with no exercise]. ugh i dumped him so quick. i think that healthy people are attractive, and i want to be with someone who likes to eat as healthy as i do i.e. no pop, no fast food. now ill eat bbq chicken made by farmer joe at the state fair, but no fucking mcdonalds, no wendys, no burger king, no arbys, and NOOO WHITE CASSTTTLLEE!! along with mcdonalds, i think white castle is the devil. ok you corporate retards....we used to call em 'slyders' cuz they slyyyyyyde RIGHT THRU YA! thats totally not a good thing, and its not a good thing for you to advertise your burgers as 'slyders' lmao. seriously tho, white castle gives you serious diarrhea, NO MATTER WHAT! so if you're visiting the midwest, and you think u wanna try, i highly suggest against it. my ex loved burger king and taco bell. taco bell always gives u the runs too, stay away.

this has to be for real. if i stop posting, do me a solid and im me on aim like multiple times and tell me how much of a cow i am. cuz chances are, if i stop posting, im straying from my path. ive never held on to a regimen like this. ive never worked out and ate healthy every day for almost 2 months...never. i always fucked up. id sleep all day, stay up all night, watch tv, drink a lot. it was not good before...i had some bad habits. from like january to early april, i was drinking beer every night. wasnt getting wasted alllll the time, but always drinking. took a lot of pills too. mostly klonopin, xanax, norco, anything to numb my emotional pain. "ooonly once the drugs are done, is that i feel like dying"....that song came on the radio one night as i was drivin home [drunk as hell], at 3 in the mornin from my guy's crib. we had just had a fight, and i had been crying in my car in the parking lot...i started my car and drove outta there blasting the music to overpower my thoughts, but hearing those lyrics totally put me into perspective. its easy for me to fall into shit like that, but i promise i always keep one toe on the ground, and its just as easy to fall out. ive had worse times. times that made me feel like my weight...my size...is nothin but a blessing. there have been nights where ive mixed up to 8 different substances in one night, and still was able to drive home. that was like, before i was 21 too. i started to lay off los drugas early last year. there is a civil war going on inside my head, but i feel like im the only one that can create peace.....and i am. one day ata time....
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YOU got IT right!!! IT is JUST YOU who can CREATE peace!!! NOW do IT!!!

I'm ROOTING for YOU!!! CheeeooooWWW!!! CHEERS to the SEXY MAMA waiting TO BREAK LOOSE at YOUR GOAL!!! YOU can DO ANYTING you put your mind to!!!
 
Alta is right. You can do anything you put your mind to, and you definitely sound like your on board this time. To be honest, many of my friends, hell even my own roommates (who are my little brothers) drink beer almost every single night. I just feel like telling my brother that beer has calories, its not like you can drink as much as you want with no consequence. I think I look at alcohol a lot differently than most of my friends. I grew up with it around, didn't really start to drink until I was 21. Then I went thru the normal phase many peeps go thru where they drink a ton because they finally legally can. I got sick a lot, learned my limits, went over my limits, had some pretty bad drunk nights where I made a major ass outta myself, and now here I am living to tell about it. I still drink, just not that often. Maybe a few beers once a week, or red wine. I really really try to stay away from the hard stuff because I can't handle it... Beer is good, though, and I like the gourmet shit from all the local breweries around here. I just do it in moderation now...

My best friend right now just got the gastric bypass. Even at her heaviest, she has always been the cat's meow. She has an amazingly hot, hippie-chic boyfriend for the last 6 years and has always been bigger with him. She is living proof that a girl who isn't a size 8 or even a size 14 can have anyone she wants. Her personality is amazing, and she is very beautiful. She's very confident most of the time, and it shows thru in all aspects of her life. Her weight finally became very unhealthy and losing it the old fashioned way wasn't working (it really wasn't). So, she decided to get gastric bypass and so far so good, it is working for her and I am supportive because I love her to death. She is definitely the coolest person I know :)

Keep up the great work, and good job at nixing the fast food. I've mostly got that down but I still struggle. Corporate america has really fucked the american people when it comes to fast food, and you want to talk about drugs, fast food is a real one, believe that shit;)

Take Care,
Sam
 
diet pills are sooo ick! seriously, even if it works. i had this friend who took some kinda diet pill to get rid of her weight. after it was all gone, she looked real good, but she had developed even more issues with herself because of the hanging skin. she had lost so much so quickly that her skin was like sagging all nasty style. im like...thats what u get for taking prescription diet meds [and still eating mcdonalds once a week]. she ended up getting a tummy tuck, i think she still looked nasty, her belly just looked weird and deformed. she inspired me to never try a crash diet or diet pill ever again. ahaha in fact, she came with me to get my tattoo that represents my desire to be healthy and lose weight the healthy way.

im in desperate need of some workout clothes. i think id go walking more if i had the outfits for it. i get sweaty really quick [partly because its like 80-90 degrees here everyday], so im really picky about what i wear. i also have this problem...lol...people always look at me. i draw attention, especially when i have my dog because he kinda barks at almost everyone. for some odd reason, mexican dudes ALWAYS stare at me and even hit on me. ESPECIALLY in the mutant market*. that shit is run by mexicans, owned managed and ran by horny ass mexican dudes. it mostly happens in the produce department. they just stare, but occasionally they will ask my name or something [even if they barely speak english]. yesterday, i was out walkin, sweaty as HELLL, it was the end of my walk. this old ass white pick up [with the wooden panels to keep the crap in the back] drove past me really slow with this little dude hangin out the window, i didnt really think anything of it. they turned into this apartment complex to drop some dude off i guess, then they came by me again...super slow. then they drove around the parking lot [i saw them] to the spot where id be crossing and they could stop n talk to me. i hada make conversation with this dude walking his dog so that they'd go away. its just like...wtf man. im working out, im sweating all over. get the fuck outa here wtf. its cuz i have no fuckin work out clothes. i wear like cute lil babydoll shirts with like pj pants rolled up to the knees. that shits not even comfortable...i just have nothing else to wear and no money to buy anything new =[

so my parents are coming home monday....ya i know im so excited!! seriously, i cant wait. my dad hasnt been home since october 07', and my mom hasnt been home in like a month and a half maybe two months, and they're coming together!!! this is going to be my real challenge tho. when my mom comes home, she stocks the kitchen with shitty food, i dont think she knows any better. its not lke twinkies and hohos bad, but she gets like...hot dogs, "cheese food", canned soups, tons of frozen dinners [lean cuisines, hot pockets, jimmy dean breakfast sammiches**]. its really hard. even when they're here, i have no support. even when i ask her to just buy me produce and stuff when she leaves, she still stocks up on lean cuisines cuz shes still under the impression that they are healthy. blaaah. this will be a big test of my commitment. vacations on the other hand....ha...ive already thought about this. cuz when i go down to florida, we order in thai, we go out to eat, and theres always tons of food around [my mom and dad like to cook]. granted ill probably be consuming most of my calories in alcohol, im going to eat whatever i want. i got a nice long beach to walk it off, too =] i cant wait to go down there raawr!



*mutant market: grocery store with pretty good prices, but questionable meat, and a lot of different ethnic food you dont get at the regular grocery store. my dad made up the name mutant market because they have tooons of animal parts for sale that you'd never see anywhere else i.e. tripe, tongue, chicken feet, and jus some gross ass shit that i cant even look at anymore.

** jimmy dean breakfast sammiches: im going to go look at the box now, because this is like a while meal in a sammich. ok 430 calories, 29 grams of fat.
 
the other night, i made this little chart of personal goals for myself and reasons why i dont do the things i love. one very important goal i have is to get down to a weight where i feel comfortable dancing in public. i used to dance all the time [hell, chicago is the home of house music, baby], but i duno after a while i just got really self conscious. i danced a lot when i was younger, and i still dance in my living room..its great. ive done all types of dance from salsa to swing to hip hop. im probably one of the only fat chicks you'll ever see poppin lol =X god i miss dancing...i love hip hop the most, i think it has a huge part in my strong ab muscles esp my obliques. think im just gona start doing that from now on instead of walking outside during the day..it gets so tiring. i think im jus gona download like hour long house mixes and dance my ass off from start to finish. not only can i perfect my moves for the clubs, ill shed some lbs, yanno?
 
*note to self*

even when you fuck up, you can always make up for it later, but the time is now. its time to make good choices ALWAYS! its time to not let little things/people get you down! its time to not feel bad about being alone because it matters most...RIGHT NOW! you dont ever need anyone but yourself, you cant ever depend on someone else being there either. put your fucking shoes on, and go for a fucking walk....
 
WakeN Bake Girl said:
*note to self*

even when you fuck up, you can always make up for it later, but the time is now. its time to make good choices ALWAYS! its time to not let little things/people get you down! its time to not feel bad about being alone because it matters most...RIGHT NOW! you dont ever need anyone but yourself, you cant ever depend on someone else being there either. put your fucking shoes on, and go for a fucking walk....
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YOU got it!!!! AND that is the TRUTH....you DON"T need anyone else.....YOU are the ONLY one who can INSPIRE change in YOU.....and YOU are the ONLY one who can PUSH yourself to SUCCEED!!! YOU go girl.....YOU sound LIKE that FIRE under YOUR booty IS SPARKED and READY to go!!! CheeeoooW!!!! ;)
 
im totally giving up milk. i think i might try a vegetarian based diet for a bit as well. i bought a half gallon last week because i had some shredded wheat, but that seems to be the only time im drinking it. its totally liquid calories and isnt all that tasty i guessssss.. whatev, i can do without it, and i will. theres this whey protein drink that i like, it has the consistency of milk, but its coffee flavored [thats the kind i like, they have fruit n stuff tho too]. this stuff also reminds me of starbucks. i used to be addicted to starbucks....it was bad. when i had a job, i was spending like 20-30 bucks a week on starbucks. venti iced caramel macchiato, thats what i always get...mmm...jus thinkin bout it now is driving me insane. with fast food, my caramel macchiatos went out the door. funny thing is, i dont even miss it that much, really. think its been like 2 months...this is a HUGE record for me. if i had 5 bucks in the bank...id totally get starbucks. i dont even think about it anymore, really. also, i just always tell myself that i can have starbucks in moderation when im not so fat.

god...this is going to take soo long. i hate counting fucking calories, do fit people count their calories? ive been slackin off big time these past few days. im like....on the depo shot [yeah, its working against me], i got on it for my last bf who i decided to stop fucking AAFTER i got the shot. it makes my rag totally go away, but i still get pms and any other side affect that goes with it...including cravings. im trying really hard to resist these cravings, but its difficult sometimes. not only that, my boredom/emotional eating cravings kick in if its not my damn pms. i snack on decent stuff, but its been making me ancy lately when i go to the grocery store. today i bought goldfish crackers and animal crackers just cuz i was craving something carby like that, and those are pretty low in calories. think i might start shopping at this tiny little fresh market, im pretty sure their main focus is produce and nothing more, so i might not be as tempted to buy cheaty foods.

i really need to up the ante. i really havent had the energy to work out as hard lately. today i didnt do anything, jus walked my dog a few times, but no gazelle and no total gym. my freshman theology teacher, mr. flood, used to always remind us that it takes 22 days to establish a habit. i was so close to it being habitual to work out every day. fuck, i do not want to keep trying and failing, im so sick of that shit. i never follow through with anything anymore, its pathetic. i have the time and almost the money to get healthy and in shape in no time flat. i want this so bad, but is that enough? im so curious to see what i would look like as a relatively thin person. im almost positive that id be extremely gorgeous. meh i crrraaaave that.

im so fucking bored...my mind is everywhere tonight too. i have so much stuff to do before my momma comes home tomorroooowww!! yeah, im so excited, i guess. i love her and all, but u cant have a conversation with her ever. if what you're talking about doesnt interest her, she'll watch tv while you talk to her and pretend to listen. she doesnt remember things i tell her like a day after i told her, sometimes i feel like a broken ass record. i always realize how i miss her soo much when shes gone, but once she comes home, its like shes still gone. im also preparing myself to see her leave soon. think she'll be home tomorrow and is leaving sunday or something. its weak, really fuckin weak, but not even a week.

on top of all the bullshit goin on these past few days, i got my old friends rubbin shit in my face. my relationships with people always seem to go awry. i teeder between it being my fault and it being the world. ive over analyzed lots of my past friendships and relationships, and i hardly ever see the possibility of it being my fault. i honestly believe that the hardships i go through are extremely abnormal. the things ppl have put me thru, u would never even believe. ive taken an emotional beating from a lot of people since i was little. its so hard to move on when it stares me in the face everyday. i have no best friend. i have no one to call if im feelin blue besides my mom, lol...i feel like i shouldnt even put forth the energy these days because it never seems to be worth it in the end. also, myspace ruins friendships and relationships. try to avoid that as much as possible ;)

i hate not being able to trust others, it really breaks my heart.
 
so my mom came home last monday, and out the window my strict diet and exercise plan went. just as i thought it would happen, it did...and even worse than i expected. she came home and stocked the kitchen full of lots of crap, and we got take out a bunch of times she was here. then my dad came home too, he's even worse. he likes to get take out or have steak...thats pretty much it. so ive been craving and eating tons of unhealthy fatty foods, going thru trauma and trying to fix it with food, and craving food already because of the depo shot. rawrrrrr its just so hard sometimes. when bad food is there, i will eat it. if i only buy good foods and thats all thats around, thats all ill eat. im supposed to go down to florida for my moms birthday next week, and i just know its going to be hell. ohh man my great aunt is flying in too, and she makes the best...FOOD...EVAR! i never had a gramma, but shes as close to it as i got. shes southern too, therefore, BUTTER on EVERYTHING, heavy whipping cream, mmmomg...

my family really contributes to the way i feel. i often feel like they really dont give a fuck about me...they make me feel worse than my friends do because without a caring family, what have you got? no one has made my flight plans yet, i dont even think my mom cares if i come. they really stress me out...i eat WAY more when my family is in town. i hate to use it as an excuse, but i seriously noticed that i eat like 3 times as much when they are around. i eat more at night especially. im starting to go back towards my diet now. im focusing on my behavior more now, i think thats the first step to controlling it. i can identify why i do the things i do and when im doing them.

think it will be nice to get away. cant wait to go to the beaaaccchh and lay in the sun and get drunk. if i go, thats my goal for every day. ill eat a sammich for lunch then start drinking cosmos. i plan to be plastered every day, all day. sunburn comes with that, but mine always turns to tan =D

i really hate going to florida, it always makes me feel like shit because im too fat to wear a swim suit. i dont even own one that fits, it sucks. i cant even afford a swimsuit from torrid or something, im sure i could find something there, but whatever. ill get by. ill usually wear a skirt with a cute top, i got some nice legs. even so, it sucks cuz i used to love to swim, but now, forget it.

ugh im out.
 
Do you mind if I drop some comments in random order?

As to the food your mom buys, you need to be very direct, which you have probably already been, and tell her in no uncertain terms that you are trying to lose weight and you no longer eat fattening processed foods. If she wants to prevent the certain health problems in your future, then she will simply stop buying them. I get the feeling that will not work, so how about trying not eating ANY of it the whole time she's away, she will get the message for sure next time she shows up and its all still there. I also have a will power problem so that could be difficult, but she'd definitely get the message.

You really want to lose weight badly, so you're going to have to learn how to adjust when you're around your family. When they order take-out, there's got to be something low calorie on there? Then you pick a few fattening things from the others plates so you feel like you got a few tasty things. Motivation is a tricky thing but there's got to be something that can harness it. Try to have the mindset that you are showing them how it is now, and you're determined not to let them see you cave. Eventually they may even hop on the bandwagon, especially if they see you losing weight. While you're visiting go to the store with your mom or ask for some money and get you some healthy things. Sandwiches are good to make while they're having their fattening stuff, like you said, just minimize the mayo and cheese and get whole grain bread.

You dont seem to really post anywhere around the forum. Not sure if you read other people's diaries and posts, but you get tons of ideas and motivation when you get some two way relationships going on here. When you see what others are doing, and you offer your support and motivation, its like while you're pumping someone else up you're remembering that you're supposed to be doing the same thing. Being involved with the other dieters on a regular basis can be very helpful. You get tons of ideas from seeing how others are doing it.

Yes, slim people do either count calories or make-up for being bad later. If I have a bad weekend, which I always have pretty much my whole life, I make up for it on monday and eat a lot less for the next few days. And what goes up will come back down.

Mama sounds like a busy woman. You get her credit card number (which you probably already have) and you get online and book the ticket. You're an adult now and you can book your own flight plans. People get busy, dont take it personally. Of course they want to see their daughter and have her around the house. That is a definite.

Getting sunburned to get tan will have you looking like an old hag in no time LOL, and it looks tacky. If you tan slowly while you're there, the tan will last much much longer when you get back.

You'll be annoyed at this one, but at your age and with the stuff that goes around with kids, who tend to have lots more partners than older folks, you should be using strictly condoms. Never mind how nasty and fattening those fake birth control hormones are. But they need to be used religiously so you dont have to worry about catching AIDS, herpes and all the rest of those nasty diseases that are actually going around in a prevalent way among younger people. I pretty much only dropped the condom after the guy has showed me a recent AIDS test (apparently they sell em in drug stores now) and we were long term.

Do you bring your trees down with you to FL?
 
thanks for all the good advice!! im a lurker, i dont really post much unless i have something important to say, i guess. this website really is helping me though, it really is. im already back on track, i guess. i dont feel like i got any satisfaction from eating all that shitty food while they were here. the last like...week and a half seems to be just a blur to me because i was always sleeping in, being tired, and fueling my body with shit that made it worse. i dont even remember anything unhealthy i ate tasting that good to me anymore, i love it.

my mom bought me a magic bullet when she was here so ive been havin 2 healthy smoothies like everyday its aweeesoooommeeeee!!

you're totally right about my flight plans. im acting out because i feel like i was left here to rot. i feel like i took for granted the time i had to be a careless babied teenager. when my parents moved, i expected them to come back, but they started visiting less and less. thats the boot that kicked me in the ass. what really hurt me was that when i turned 21, the pivotal time to party before crossing over into "you're not a kid anymore-land", they didnt care. i still havent had a drink in a public place as a legal adult with anyone in my family. no one took me out drinkin for my birthday, i got no last hurrah! blah i duno, im just salty, maybe a bit spoiled. im not goin down tho...its too late now, flights are too much :( i kno...i kno
 
Yup, that's the part that sucks about growing up. But, hey, there are plenty of good things. Like you get to make your own decisions. But, then you are the one to have to live with them. Me, I like being a grown up, but I've had a lot of practice at it.
 
Blancita said:
Mama sounds like a busy woman. You get her credit card number (which you probably already have) and you get online and book the ticket. You're an adult now and you can book your own flight plans. People get busy, dont take it personally. Of course they want to see their daughter and have her around the house. That is a definite.

Getting sunburned to get tan will have you looking like an old hag in no time LOL, and it looks tacky. If you tan slowly while you're there, the tan will last much much longer when you get back.

Do you bring your trees down with you to FL?
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you're completely right....i thought about what you said all weekend, and i just made reservations. i was so concerned about the price, and i was kind of giving excuses that not its too late and blah blah blah.....i ended up finding some pretty good fares, and i leave Wednesday =]

i never really meeean to get sunburned...lol...its just always how it pans out. ill burn on the first day, usually cuz i get drunk on the beach-- thats always the first mission at hand hahaha [jk]. i do put on sunscreen, but i always miss spots or dont put enough on, i dun. hahai usually get burnt bad on my neck n armpits, it just always happens. i do try not to sit in the sun for toooo long, i kno its important to care for my skin...i will =]

as for the trees, i leave em at home. smoke a doob on the way to the airport, and then i have a source down there. comes in handddaay!! i used to smuggle....id roll em up into spliffs n put em in my bra. when iw as like 15, i flew home from fl with a glass piece and an 8er in my bra muahahahaha....you cn believe my palms were sweaty! ive flown with worse tho ;]
 
This is beside the point, but why doesn't your mother build a bird sanctuary in the FL house and move the birdies down there? Then sell the house and move you down there too. It doesn't sound like they ever want to come back LOL.

Glad to hear you got the ticket! Was mom surprised? giggle
 
Blancita said:
This is beside the point, but why doesn't your mother build a bird sanctuary in the FL house and move the birdies down there? Then sell the house and move you down there too. It doesn't sound like they ever want to come back LOL.

Glad to hear you got the ticket! Was mom surprised? giggle
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an aviary down there is really not feasible. the house they want to buy DEFINITelY doesnt have the room. <shrugs> i wouldnt move down there anyway, ive told them that. im a chicago girl, born n raised...ill never leave, especially to a place like florida ["the armpit of the united states", as adam corolla calls it]. too much crack-headed trailor trash, ive had some bad experiences =\
 
man i had a really interesting night last night. went to this club that has monday night house music, and daaamn there was way more people than i expected! it was a really diverse crowd, lots of awesome folks including the most trannies ive ever seen in a straight bar! as fun as my night was, it was so intimidating. my best friend and his girlfriend took me, shes REALLY gorgeous. like people literally stop and stare at her wherever she goes, some take pictures. that wasnt the intimidating part. this italian guy she started having conversation with started getting mouthy with her and she started flippin out. i overheard and went to see what was going on. when she told me what happened i started mouthing off to him, and he proceeded to tell me that he wasnt talking to me, he was talking to her. then he started going on about how he doesnt like fat women and i need to lose 10 lbs. i was like, "mother fucker, i needa lose like 50 lbs, shut the fuck up!". he kept running his mouth so i spit in his face :biggrinjester: it was fucking stupendous! the best thing about it, was that cpd was watching and they didnt fuckin care!! ahhahaah yeah we had to stand in front to smoke and 5-0 was there to keep the masses kosher. they saw everything, they didnt give a fuck. i was sittin there tellin him to take his foreign ass home while he had my saliva dripping off his nose...omg it was fucking awesome. after that, i walked away and saw him get in a cab.

thats not even the worst part of my night...heh... i met this guy on the dance floor. i turned a certain direction and he kinda walked in to me. our eyes met and it was over. we started dancing a little then i dragged him outside to have a cig after he bought me a drink. we had good conversation and he asked me for my number. i was so psyched, he was really cute. before i could give it to him, he came out with the most stupid question ive ever fucking been asked.... "are you a man or a woman?". im like WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! my voice is VERY feminine. im VERY feminine. i have curves and long legs, theres no fuckin mistaking. i was so offended because we went outside to have a cig, in street light, with no loud ass music in the backround. why the fuuuuck...couldnt he tell? i was sitting there thinking to myself, "am i...manly?". i cussed him out big time, telling him that even if i was, that is NOT the question to ask. he felt horrible, i kinda verbally raped him before i grabbed my girlfriend and stumbled inside. he came in and said he was soo soo sorry. lol he bugged me for like 10 mins before i was like..."step off.". lol....maaan what a night. i told my guy friend about it on the way home and he was so pissed. he was like, "you do not look like a man, that was totally uncalled for." hahah made me feel bettah....lol..thats what i get for goin on tranny night ;]

not to offend any trannies, i love men in drag, ask my friends ;] i should take it as a compliment i guess, a lot of the trannies i have see are more pretty than real women.

on the way home, i had a little one on one with my girl before she got into a drunken fight with my guy. i asked her if she counts calories. she told me...lol...she said shes a compulsive eater and an anorexic so it evens itself out. one week she'll eat a lot, the next she wont. great habits to look up to, huh? lol.... shes good thinspiration tho. this whole night was. im not manly =[ pahahah lol...i needa go pass out before im sober cheea boyyy
 
WakeN Bake Girl said:
man i had a really interesting night last night. went to this club that has monday night house music, and daaamn there was way more people than i expected! it was a really diverse crowd, lots of awesome folks including the most trannies ive ever seen in a straight bar! as fun as my night was, it was so intimidating. my best friend and his girlfriend took me, shes REALLY gorgeous. like people literally stop and stare at her wherever she goes, some take pictures. that wasnt the intimidating part. this italian guy she started having conversation with started getting mouthy with her and she started flippin out. i overheard and went to see what was going on. when she told me what happened i started mouthing off to him, and he proceeded to tell me that he wasnt talking to me, he was talking to her. then he started going on about how he doesnt like fat women and i need to lose 10 lbs. i was like, "mother fucker, i needa lose like 50 lbs, shut the fuck up!". he kept running his mouth so i spit in his face :biggrinjester: it was fucking stupendous! the best thing about it, was that cpd was watching and they didnt fuckin care!! ahhahaah yeah we had to stand in front to smoke and 5-0 was there to keep the masses kosher. they saw everything, they didnt give a fuck. i was sittin there tellin him to take his foreign ass home while he had my saliva dripping off his nose...omg it was fucking awesome. after that, i walked away and saw him get in a cab.

thats not even the worst part of my night...heh... i met this guy on the dance floor. i turned a certain direction and he kinda walked in to me. our eyes met and it was over. we started dancing a little then i dragged him outside to have a cig after he bought me a drink. we had good conversation and he asked me for my number. i was so psyched, he was really cute. before i could give it to him, he came out with the most stupid question ive ever fucking been asked.... "are you a man or a woman?". im like WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! my voice is VERY feminine. im VERY feminine. i have curves and long legs, theres no fuckin mistaking. i was so offended because we went outside to have a cig, in street light, with no loud ass music in the backround. why the fuuuuck...couldnt he tell? i was sitting there thinking to myself, "am i...manly?". i cussed him out big time, telling him that even if i was, that is NOT the question to ask. he felt horrible, i kinda verbally raped him before i grabbed my girlfriend and stumbled inside. he came in and said he was soo soo sorry. lol he bugged me for like 10 mins before i was like..."step off.". lol....maaan what a night. i told my guy friend about it on the way home and he was so pissed. he was like, "you do not look like a man, that was totally uncalled for." hahah made me feel bettah....lol..thats what i get for goin on tranny night ;]

not to offend any trannies, i love men in drag, ask my friends ;] i should take it as a compliment i guess, a lot of the trannies i have see are more pretty than real women.

on the way home, i had a little one on one with my girl before she got into a drunken fight with my guy. i asked her if she counts calories. she told me...lol...she said shes a compulsive eater and an anorexic so it evens itself out. one week she'll eat a lot, the next she wont. great habits to look up to, huh? lol.... shes good thinspiration tho. this whole night was. im not manly =[ pahahah lol...i needa go pass out before im sober cheea boyyy
Click to expand...
OMG!!!!! that is FUNNY and NOT at the same time....NOT at the MOMENT....but YES...later when thought about it.....

...and the REASON it is funny to me...was because MY BF and I were talking about the SAME thing the other night when we were driving past this TRANNY club, and there were all these MEN outside "GOING CRAZY" over these TRANNIES....and AFTER talking about it....we CONCLUDED that they PROBABLY go CRAZY....for the SAME REASON....that YOU said...."A LOT of these TRANNIES, are HOT, hotter than a lot of REAL women", and I think THEY go to those places to pick up tannies...who KNOWS for a MULTITUDE of reasons.....

....but maybe because they will never REALLY get a WOMAN in their LIFETIME who looks that GOOD.....so ALL IN ALL....I would TAKE it AS A "YOU LOOK HOTTER than REGULAR WOMEN....and HAVE you seen the LEGS on TRANNIES....they have some LONG KNOCKERS ;)......the fact that he CAME back BEGGING....just SHOWED...he FUCKED up the CHANCE to get a "REAL woman" that HAD SOME LONG hot KNOCKING legs ON HER.....LOL....

I wouldn't TAKE it PERSONAL...more like a COMPLIMENT....;) :iagree:
 
Don't take it too personal. Not a good question to ask a girl but if everyone was drunk and it was tranny night, i guess it's not totally to be unexpected. At least he apologized but, the damage was done...

Gotta love those trannys :) Too fun!


-Sam
 
the battle in my minnnnndddd....

ok, i havent written in a while, and i totally regret that. even when i dont post in other threads or talk to people on here, i still feel like i have support just when i blog. i feel bad for stopping, i just always had some excuse of why i couldnt sit down and type out my life and feelings, so that i can take a closer look at the real issues. i really wish i was born like 20 years earlier than i was. before technology had taken over our lives [mainly, our relationships]. before it was really hurt someone and not think twice about it. i feel like im standing in a big huge toilet that someone is flushing, and im right in the middle.....

tonight ill be seeing someone who broke my heart, but im still in love with to this day. we never dated, we were just best friends. there had been a few times that we got a little freaky, but i can count them on one hand [and we were usually drunk]. this is the only person that ive ever loaned a huge amount of money,and trusted to pay me back [and he did, with INTEREST!]. this person also introduced to me how two faced, selfish, and cruel people really are. i guess after 2 years of being friends, he just decides one day that he wants to stop talking to me...so he did..slowly. i thnk he just knew i was like...in love with him, and he didnt want to deal with it. pisses me off because i held my feelings back...big time!! cuz he's gota girl, and im not the other girl! i believe in karma, another girl's guy is noooot an option, at all. either way, we still share the same friends, it sucks so bad. although, he slowly stopped talking to them too [we think he's a friend recycler]. tonight, him and my one friend are playing at this bar for drum and bass night [they're dj's]. ive been waiting to see my friend play for a while, i really wanna go, but i dont wanna see this guy. ive tried to avoid him as much as possible, meaning i stopped going out to the parties that i know he'd be at. its so complicated, we had a few words because i was like, "wtf arent u my friend anymore?". i pissed him off because i was "nagging", so thats looking like his new excuse for not wanting to talk to me.

i want to go tonight...i dont want to fucking miss out, and why should i? suppose if i pregame before we go out, i wont feel as bad hahaha i wont even care bout it. fuck it...im gona go out right now and buy a new top so i look killer!!!! make myself feel better about it too yess...

as for my diet, folks. i havent been doing too bad. i fell off the band wagon in florida, but when i came home, i felt so bad about so i've been trying really hard. im gona come back later n write some real stuff...time to shop :auto:
 
WakeN Bake Girl said:
ok, i havent written in a while, and i totally regret that. even when i dont post in other threads or talk to people on here, i still feel like i have support just when i blog. i feel bad for stopping, i just always had some excuse of why i couldnt sit down and type out my life and feelings, so that i can take a closer look at the real issues. i really wish i was born like 20 years earlier than i was. before technology had taken over our lives [mainly, our relationships]. before it was really hurt someone and not think twice about it. i feel like im standing in a big huge toilet that someone is flushing, and im right in the middle.....

tonight ill be seeing someone who broke my heart, but im still in love with to this day. we never dated, we were just best friends. there had been a few times that we got a little freaky, but i can count them on one hand [and we were usually drunk]. this is the only person that ive ever loaned a huge amount of money,and trusted to pay me back [and he did, with INTEREST!]. this person also introduced to me how two faced, selfish, and cruel people really are. i guess after 2 years of being friends, he just decides one day that he wants to stop talking to me...so he did..slowly. i thnk he just knew i was like...in love with him, and he didnt want to deal with it. pisses me off because i held my feelings back...big time!! cuz he's gota girl, and im not the other girl! i believe in karma, another girl's guy is noooot an option, at all. either way, we still share the same friends, it sucks so bad. although, he slowly stopped talking to them too [we think he's a friend recycler]. tonight, him and my one friend are playing at this bar for drum and bass night [they're dj's]. ive been waiting to see my friend play for a while, i really wanna go, but i dont wanna see this guy. ive tried to avoid him as much as possible, meaning i stopped going out to the parties that i know he'd be at. its so complicated, we had a few words because i was like, "wtf arent u my friend anymore?". i pissed him off because i was "nagging", so thats looking like his new excuse for not wanting to talk to me.

i want to go tonight...i dont want to fucking miss out, and why should i? suppose if i pregame before we go out, i wont feel as bad hahaha i wont even care bout it. fuck it...im gona go out right now and buy a new top so i look killer!!!! make myself feel better about it too yess...

as for my diet, folks. i havent been doing too bad. i fell off the band wagon in florida, but when i came home, i felt so bad about so i've been trying really hard. im gona come back later n write some real stuff...time to shop :auto:
Click to expand...
..bottom line...I have a friend the same way you describe.....and IT isn't worth it...and LUCKY you that you cut your LOSES while you could have.....I'm PROUD of you...and the same as you, I thought about my friend for years, and why we weren't friends no more....and OH WELL....I feel you on the LOVE, the FRIENDSHIP, the holding back emotions, the girl friend,the crossing the friends line, the left hand counting, the STOP talking ....ALL OF IT....hahaha

....and YOU GOT it girl...NO REASON why YOU SHOULD miss you....FORGET HIM.....

....and now...5 years no talking to my friend, we are FRIENDS again.....go figure....just NOW he still has the girl, I have a GUY...just he wants ME... NOW....hahaha.....YEAHHHh RIGHT he'll get this!!! ;) hehehe...too little too late......

....YOU are SMART....good decision....LOOK hoooot and SMASH his heart! ;)
 
WOOOOOT im back bitches!!!

i know no one missed me, but im back. havent posted on here in like a year, been super busy. im doin good tho...bein all healthy and shit. weight is going well, down to 225 now lol....got up to 260 tho...i know omg right? well i had eye surgery in january, and i was literally off my feet for like a month and a half. lol i got so fat, my pants werent fitting anymore. lost all of what i gained though and i can see!!!! im gona be comin on here more often i think, i have absolutely no support here at home. the boyfriend LOOOOVES mcdonalds and extremely bad food....its so fun. got tons of good recipes to share though, ive been eating sooo well lately. im also a bargain shopper so i cant wait to share my suzy homemaker tips lol. cant wait to catch up with ya Alta!! ttyl
 
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