Most people who look at me would probably not be bothered by my weight - I'm not. I've never, not once in my entire life, been the type of woman who watches the mirror and stresses about celebrity proportions or cellulite. My weight fluctuates over a spectrum of about 30 pounds on a fairly regular basis.
However, I have some major problems with diet and health issues. I eat junk food or restaurant food every day. I have had clinical depression for much of my life, and when I'm depressed, no matter how much trash I eat, I lose weight very, very quickly. Twice in my life I've been skeletal-thin, even though I've never had an eating disorder. I fear thinness because of its association in my mind with depression, so I binge when I start to lose weight. When I surface from depression, I fatten up very quickly because I am so uncomfortable with a low weight. I am taller than average for a woman, so even though I have a small frame, I can carry excess weight easily without looking like I am overweight.
However, two weeks ago my girlfriend sat me down and had a discussion with me about my current weight (btw, I am gay - haters please do not bother posting in this thread). She pointed out that, first of all, only one member of my family has made it past 50 without suffering a heart attack or developing diabetes. I am prediabetic and have high cholesterol genetically, even though I exercise regularly, because it runs in my family. Also, she mentioned that when she and I started dating a year and a half ago, I was on an upswing from a very depressed point in my life and was slender - probably the healthiest I have been in years, up from the much-too-skinny-for-my-height size. She confessed that as a visual person, she was more attracted to me at my old weight than my new one, which is one of the heaviest I've been in my entire life. This was kind of a bombshell to me, and hurt my self-esteem a great deal, but I managed to deal with it. The main reason I've gained so much weight is that I switched to a sedentary job (I used to be a dance teacher), and all of the junk food I've been eating regularly for the last two years caught up with me.
I did a lifespan survey thing and received an alert about my junk food intake - that it can take a half year to a year off my life, even though I am generally pretty active. I don't want to be the type of girl who lets herself go when she gets content in a relationship, because my girlfriend is beautiful and I find her extremely attractive - I would hate for that to not be reciprocated. I know I can gain or lose 30 pounds without batting an eyelash, or even thinking consciously about it, but I feel like now is the time to stop. I don't know much about yo-yo weight gain, but I assume it is pretty unhealthy. My mom and all of her siblings have had at least one heart attack/false heart attack, seizure, are being treated for high cholesterol or diabetes, or kidney/liver problems (mostly from drinking). I have a mild form of epilepsy, hypoglycemia, and heart arrythmia. I never bothered about my health when it was just me, but I'm willing to make it a priority for the first time for my girlfriend. I want to stay alive a long time for her, and also be physically desirable. I've done diets and exercise before, with success, but this time I'm trying to tackle all my mental hangups about food and image at the same time. I don't want to be controlled by apathy and/or fear about my physical condition anymore. Therefore, I'm starting this food diary and reaching out to people who might share some of my hangups, so I can start to understand and work through them.
Stats: (pounds and inches rather than cm/kg)
Female, 25
Occupation: High school teacher
Height 5'9"
Ideal weight for my frame (small): 129-142
Medically acceptable weight: 129-169
My lowest weight at this height: 120
My heaviest weight at this height: 171
Healthy, preferred weight (high mobility, good blood pressure): 130-145
Healthy BMI: 21-22
Current weight: 165
Current BMI: 24
I never thought I would be in the position of saying, "I need to lose 20 pounds." That was always something I heard middle aged women, or my sister (who is very health-concious) obsessing about periodically. It just seemed to me that talking was a way of stressing a lot but still avoiding the problem, which doesn't appeal to me, because I have plenty of other things to stress about in addition to my body. I like food, I love chocolate and candy, and I never wanted to restrict myself from those things that make me happy in order to circumvent a problem that was never very important to me.
20-30 pounds to me is a scary, unmanageable number that I would rather avoid. It's intimidating to decide to tackle it, but I have reached the point in my life where I know that I need to address this thing. I can't yo-yo for the rest of my life, and if I keep eating the trash that I have been, I will be following in my family's footsteps of heart disease, high cholesterol, and diabetes. So, here are my goals:
1) Drive past a fast food restaurant when I am hungry without being tempted to eat there.
2) Learn to enjoy and crave healthy foods.
Secondary Goals - Physical
3) Reduce and maintain a weight in the ideal range (139-145 is my goal) by Memorial Day. I am making an interstate move at that time, so it seems like a good endcap for me.
Reward: After years of yo-yo weight gain and loss, I have a great deal of flab on my torso, hips and thighs. It's just skin, so it doesn't bother me too much, but it's annoying to get a nice flat stomach through healthy eating and exercise, then still have it mush into rolls when I bend over or sit down. I have scarring from some prior surgeries, and the excess flab makes the scars indented, like pockmarks. When I see bathing suit pictures of myself, even at a good weight, my eyes are drawn to the scars. I've looked into plastic surgery many times, and had discussed it with my mom all through my teenage years. My scarring and flab have been a minor emotional hindrance for me for years, and she knew that - we had even discussed getting plastic surgery for me when I reached 18. I have been looking into it more seriously lately and have talked to friends who've had it, received recommendations, and even called a doctor. I decided that 2011 will be the year I get reconstructive surgery to diminish the scars on my torso - they cannot be removed, but tightening the skin smoothes out the scars and makes them much less visible. I don't want to have pockmarks on my stomach anymore, or baggy skin all over my stomach when I lean over. I think that's one reason that I tend to stay at a heavier weight - the excess skin is less noticeable when it's stretched taut by fat.
So, I've started putting money in a rainy day fund - the money I save by eating out will be part of my reward, for the first time in my life, of looking at my body with everything lifted up where it's supposed to be and no rolls of skin lining my surgery scars. I've been on food stamps before so I know how to budget, cook, and avoid eating out.
My Plan
I've titled my diet this time around, "The Pink Dress Health Plan." I have a picture of myself and my girlfriend at a concert we went to last winter, where I was wearing a fitted pink cotton dress. I look healthy in the picture. I fit in the dress, but am not thin - you can see thickness around my upper arms and hips. That dress to me represents my ideal weight - small enough to look desirable and give me free range of movement (my flexibility as a dancer is hampered by extra fat around my hips), but not so thin that I get nervous and feel compelled to overeat. I fit into that dress at my ideal weight. My plan of attack is outlined below.
A modified South Beach diet (junk food for two meals a week, bread at or before noon only. No carbs in the evening). I did this for the summer of 2006 and had great results.
No fried chicken. Chicken nuggets are my weakness and a staple in my diet, so while the last South Beach round taught me to live without french fries, deep-fried chicken is going down this time.
Twice-weekly half-hour stretching, for a total of 1 hour/week (I have been sitting a great deal lately and have lost the range of movement that I like to have.)
Exercise when I feel like it, and that includes weight lifting for 10 minutes at least once every two weeks (I actually enjoy exercise, so I don't like to get too rigid with it - it takes the fun out). I will walk or use an elliptical at least once a week for a half hour or 100 calories. I did this in fall 2007 with decent results. I already purchased a set of weights and am looking for a used elliptical (I live way out in the remote desert, so Craigslist is not really an option.)
Memorial Day = A healthy me.
However, I have some major problems with diet and health issues. I eat junk food or restaurant food every day. I have had clinical depression for much of my life, and when I'm depressed, no matter how much trash I eat, I lose weight very, very quickly. Twice in my life I've been skeletal-thin, even though I've never had an eating disorder. I fear thinness because of its association in my mind with depression, so I binge when I start to lose weight. When I surface from depression, I fatten up very quickly because I am so uncomfortable with a low weight. I am taller than average for a woman, so even though I have a small frame, I can carry excess weight easily without looking like I am overweight.
However, two weeks ago my girlfriend sat me down and had a discussion with me about my current weight (btw, I am gay - haters please do not bother posting in this thread). She pointed out that, first of all, only one member of my family has made it past 50 without suffering a heart attack or developing diabetes. I am prediabetic and have high cholesterol genetically, even though I exercise regularly, because it runs in my family. Also, she mentioned that when she and I started dating a year and a half ago, I was on an upswing from a very depressed point in my life and was slender - probably the healthiest I have been in years, up from the much-too-skinny-for-my-height size. She confessed that as a visual person, she was more attracted to me at my old weight than my new one, which is one of the heaviest I've been in my entire life. This was kind of a bombshell to me, and hurt my self-esteem a great deal, but I managed to deal with it. The main reason I've gained so much weight is that I switched to a sedentary job (I used to be a dance teacher), and all of the junk food I've been eating regularly for the last two years caught up with me.
I did a lifespan survey thing and received an alert about my junk food intake - that it can take a half year to a year off my life, even though I am generally pretty active. I don't want to be the type of girl who lets herself go when she gets content in a relationship, because my girlfriend is beautiful and I find her extremely attractive - I would hate for that to not be reciprocated. I know I can gain or lose 30 pounds without batting an eyelash, or even thinking consciously about it, but I feel like now is the time to stop. I don't know much about yo-yo weight gain, but I assume it is pretty unhealthy. My mom and all of her siblings have had at least one heart attack/false heart attack, seizure, are being treated for high cholesterol or diabetes, or kidney/liver problems (mostly from drinking). I have a mild form of epilepsy, hypoglycemia, and heart arrythmia. I never bothered about my health when it was just me, but I'm willing to make it a priority for the first time for my girlfriend. I want to stay alive a long time for her, and also be physically desirable. I've done diets and exercise before, with success, but this time I'm trying to tackle all my mental hangups about food and image at the same time. I don't want to be controlled by apathy and/or fear about my physical condition anymore. Therefore, I'm starting this food diary and reaching out to people who might share some of my hangups, so I can start to understand and work through them.
Stats: (pounds and inches rather than cm/kg)
Female, 25
Occupation: High school teacher
Height 5'9"
Ideal weight for my frame (small): 129-142
Medically acceptable weight: 129-169
My lowest weight at this height: 120
My heaviest weight at this height: 171
Healthy, preferred weight (high mobility, good blood pressure): 130-145
Healthy BMI: 21-22
Current weight: 165
Current BMI: 24
I never thought I would be in the position of saying, "I need to lose 20 pounds." That was always something I heard middle aged women, or my sister (who is very health-concious) obsessing about periodically. It just seemed to me that talking was a way of stressing a lot but still avoiding the problem, which doesn't appeal to me, because I have plenty of other things to stress about in addition to my body. I like food, I love chocolate and candy, and I never wanted to restrict myself from those things that make me happy in order to circumvent a problem that was never very important to me.
20-30 pounds to me is a scary, unmanageable number that I would rather avoid. It's intimidating to decide to tackle it, but I have reached the point in my life where I know that I need to address this thing. I can't yo-yo for the rest of my life, and if I keep eating the trash that I have been, I will be following in my family's footsteps of heart disease, high cholesterol, and diabetes. So, here are my goals:
1) Drive past a fast food restaurant when I am hungry without being tempted to eat there.
2) Learn to enjoy and crave healthy foods.
Secondary Goals - Physical
3) Reduce and maintain a weight in the ideal range (139-145 is my goal) by Memorial Day. I am making an interstate move at that time, so it seems like a good endcap for me.
Reward: After years of yo-yo weight gain and loss, I have a great deal of flab on my torso, hips and thighs. It's just skin, so it doesn't bother me too much, but it's annoying to get a nice flat stomach through healthy eating and exercise, then still have it mush into rolls when I bend over or sit down. I have scarring from some prior surgeries, and the excess flab makes the scars indented, like pockmarks. When I see bathing suit pictures of myself, even at a good weight, my eyes are drawn to the scars. I've looked into plastic surgery many times, and had discussed it with my mom all through my teenage years. My scarring and flab have been a minor emotional hindrance for me for years, and she knew that - we had even discussed getting plastic surgery for me when I reached 18. I have been looking into it more seriously lately and have talked to friends who've had it, received recommendations, and even called a doctor. I decided that 2011 will be the year I get reconstructive surgery to diminish the scars on my torso - they cannot be removed, but tightening the skin smoothes out the scars and makes them much less visible. I don't want to have pockmarks on my stomach anymore, or baggy skin all over my stomach when I lean over. I think that's one reason that I tend to stay at a heavier weight - the excess skin is less noticeable when it's stretched taut by fat.
So, I've started putting money in a rainy day fund - the money I save by eating out will be part of my reward, for the first time in my life, of looking at my body with everything lifted up where it's supposed to be and no rolls of skin lining my surgery scars. I've been on food stamps before so I know how to budget, cook, and avoid eating out.
My Plan
I've titled my diet this time around, "The Pink Dress Health Plan." I have a picture of myself and my girlfriend at a concert we went to last winter, where I was wearing a fitted pink cotton dress. I look healthy in the picture. I fit in the dress, but am not thin - you can see thickness around my upper arms and hips. That dress to me represents my ideal weight - small enough to look desirable and give me free range of movement (my flexibility as a dancer is hampered by extra fat around my hips), but not so thin that I get nervous and feel compelled to overeat. I fit into that dress at my ideal weight. My plan of attack is outlined below.
A modified South Beach diet (junk food for two meals a week, bread at or before noon only. No carbs in the evening). I did this for the summer of 2006 and had great results.
No fried chicken. Chicken nuggets are my weakness and a staple in my diet, so while the last South Beach round taught me to live without french fries, deep-fried chicken is going down this time.
Twice-weekly half-hour stretching, for a total of 1 hour/week (I have been sitting a great deal lately and have lost the range of movement that I like to have.)
Exercise when I feel like it, and that includes weight lifting for 10 minutes at least once every two weeks (I actually enjoy exercise, so I don't like to get too rigid with it - it takes the fun out). I will walk or use an elliptical at least once a week for a half hour or 100 calories. I did this in fall 2007 with decent results. I already purchased a set of weights and am looking for a used elliptical (I live way out in the remote desert, so Craigslist is not really an option.)
Memorial Day = A healthy me.
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