Riot!

Slow going...

Ok, I've been bouncing around 221 for two weeks, I'm ready to see something lower now... Losing weight seems SO slooowwww. I want what they get on Biggest Loser! I know, I know, they work out like five hours a day to get those results. No fair! I want to quit my job and go to fat camp for three months too!

But on the up-side, today I am wearing this cute jacket that I bought a size too small (it was the last one and just toooo cute to pass up) two years ago and promptly grew out of it. It was just sitting there in my closet, openly mocking me since January 2006. I swear some mornings I would hear it laughing at me while I was rummaging through the clothes trying to find something to wear. Today, I have defeated the jacket!

Also, my hubby is so much more ATTENTIVE. Not to say he blew me off when I was 25 pounds heavier, but I wasn't doing much and I was always telling him to "pay attention to me!" Now my day is so full that I don't have time to whine and he's always standing around waiting for a hug. Last night I got a BACKRUB! I could hardley believe it! Man, that's the shit!

He's also looking for more action, if THAT'S possible, I swear he thinks he's 18 or something. But now when we're intimate there's some extra space between us that I'm not used to yet. And when we go through phases where we only have time for that once a week it seems akward because I'm thinking to myself, "Didn't this part used to touch this part when we do this...? I thought last time we did this we were more squished together...?" It's not like I like it less, it's just foreign still. Like we're getting further and further away from each other. I'll get used to it I guess.
 
Fatbody Slug

I'm.... running.... out of...... motivation... *GASP* *ACK*

Whenever I run out of my thyroid medication I lose all ambition to do anything. I don't wanna exercise, I don't wanna write down my food, I want to eat junk food, I can't even get up the energy to take a damn vitamin. Luckily I've been able to talk myself into working out most days last week, but now I finally got my scrip refilled yesterday and I'm beginning to feel like I care again.

This morning I got on the scale and it said 219.6, I'll take it. I'm lucky it moved at all after my lazy week.

I decided that the 20/20 plan does not work for me. It's not enough cardio to make a real impact and I'm focussing too much on strength training. I've decided to go back to 30 minutes of cardio each day, but I'll do it 6 days a week instead of 3 like before. I'll do the strength training after work for 15 minutes each evening. I haven't decided if I am going to do that every night, but I'd like to.

I wish it would freaking get warm out so I can get outside and walk/jog. My favorite cardio program on comcast on demand expires tomorrow, and it was only 20 minutes anyway. I don't like waiting until the end of the day to do my cardio because it tends to get me too wired to go to bed on time.

The thirty pound mark is now within sight! My goal is to get there by Saturday. That would be 3.5 pounds for this week, which is a lot, but I'm going for the gusto. I'm finally starting to look different in my clothes and when I'm out, sales people are actually helpful and people make eye contact. I'm not used to it, so people probably think I'm rude since I don't automatically return the gesture. I also have been wearing this pair of jeans that I haven't fit into since 2004! Not only that, but they fit better now! THAT rules! I have only saved a few items of clothing from slimmer days gone by because I could not bring myself to give them away, and now I'm glad I didn't. Ten more pounds and I should be back into my favorite pants ever!

I'm now feeling more inspired. Keeping a journal saves my butt.
 
Soapbox time!

I work in a large office building where something around a thousand people are stuffed into cubicles for eight hours each day. If I had to guess, I would say the rate of obesity in this place is disproportionately higher than the general population. Maybe even disproportionately higher than the general population of Mississippi. There are so many instances each day where I pass by people and think, "yeesh, that's gotta really suck." (Unless I get stuck in the same restroom as one of these really huge women, and then I'm thinking, "Ack! Christ! Terrible smell! Must escape!")

Well today I was walking to my cube and accidentally caught a snippet of conversation between two women on my floor. I only heard a little bit but I knew they were talking about weight loss surgery. The thin woman was saying to the fat woman, "I know that it shrinks your stomach so you can't eat as much, but wouldn't it just be easier to that to begin with?" I can't believe she went there, I hope they have a strong friendship...

But it's so true. I firmly believe that surgery should be THE LAST option, not the first option, or second-to-the-last option. I actually considered gastric banding surgery myself, but then it dawned on me that I'd never tried eating less and exercising more. I'm working super hard at it and it is actually working--maybe not quite so fast, but it sure beats gaining!

I wish the medical community weren't such capitalist pigs. I wish there was a bigger push to coach people to eat less and move more, and more support for that kind of lifestyle overhaul. Gyms are intimidating and expensive, and hiring a personal trainer is even more expensive! I looked online for a couple hours before I was able to find a nutritionist to consult with, but she is in another city a 1/2 hour drive away so I would have to try to take time off work for the office visit--and to really get down to working with someone it takes more than one office visit. Then there's weight watchers, TMI about strange people you don't give a rip about, mass weigh-ins, and more cash out the window we'll never see again...

For a long time I saw myself trapped in the same cycle that all the other lumpy cube farmers are stuck in and it sucks! It's hopeless, it's depressing, it's humiliating! I'm trying my best to bust out of it, but how can I ever take anyone with me? Maybe if these resources were just as available as a drive through we would all be in better shape! It pisses me off so much that insurance firms shove this healthy lifestyles rhetoric down our throats, but then all we get for help is a "Do-> Move" campaign. Real helpful. What about the emotional issues around eating? What about joint problems and sweat rashes that come with exercise? Who has time to manage all this bullshit? Thank goodness for the internet, heaven forbid I should need help from Medical/Insurance Institutional Complex.

Ok I'm done blaming others for my obesity....
 
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Tweak my plan

My motivation continues to waver and wane as we move into the middle of March here. Is it cabin fever? Boredom? Fear of change?

I haven't given up, don't get me wrong, it's just not very exciting when I'm working and not seeing any new data from the scale or the measuring tape. I'm working out enough to keep feeling healthy, but not enough to really take the wrecking ball to the fat. I just got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. At the end of each workday I was exhausted and felt like I was coming down with a cold, you know like achey, iffy throat, headachey :ack2:. So now I just do 30 minutes of cardio after work at home and sleep till 7 in the morning instead of gettin gup at the ass-crack of dawn to exercise and I feel so much better. I want to keep feeling rested, but how do I maintain that while working my ass off (literally)?

My next big idea is to join the gym that we have here at work. It's a decent facility, and I figure I can do 30 or 45 minutes of cardio doing lots of different activities and throw in 15 minutes of strength training before I even go home. Then I can justify going home and sitting on the couch like a potato. Either way I don't eat dinner till 8 or 8:30, go to bed at 10:30 and get up at 7.

Guess we'll see if this works any better.
 
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Oh my god....

I didn't work out AGAIN yesterday! I volunteered for overtime all week and Saturday too, what was I thinking?! Money of course. I thought I would be able to pull myself out of bed this morning to exercise, but I failed miserably. My body's desire for sleep trumps all, and as you know already, I have trouble balancing that need against all the other crap I have to do in any given day, and now I've added even more crap.

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm not losing weight! I'm getting lazy!!! This is freaking me out!!!! WHAT DO I DO????????? I feel like I'm drowning in the tar pit of complacency!!! :confused:
 
Ok, Princess Whineypants has left the building

Today was day two of routine #3 and so far this feels like something I can stick with. I joined the gym at my work so now I work out after I log out until my hubby finishes up for the day and then we go home together. I squeeze in about 30 min of cardio and 15 min of strength if I can log out on time and don't have to spend too much time on the throne.

Anyway the facility is really nice and there haven't been tons of people hogging up the equipment so I have been able to just do what I do and get done. I don't hate the gym as much as I thought.

Encouragingly, I lost a smidgen of weight during my lazy burned out phase--I'm down 3 pounds since my birthday. Not real good progress for a whole month, but not terrible for how inconsistent I've been. But now I'm back to busting my ass so I hope to see something by the weekend. I gotta make up for lost time.
 
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Keepin' on keepin' on

So here's the end of week one of routine #3 and I'm feeling pretty good. I can see some more slight improvements over last week, though as usual my scale won't give me any credit. The damn thing says it registers down to a tenth of a pound, but it won't recognize any change in my weight less than three pounds. So I work and work and nothing happens for two weeks and then whammo--it'll finally register a loss.

The gym has a medical scale in the locker room and today I was one less pound than yesterday. I'll take it.

The important thing is that I'm back on track and I'm much relieved for it. I like that I can get on a machine and really push myself without getting faint. The worst that happens when I push too hard is that I feel a bit woozy, but all I have to do us walk it off and take a couple big breaths. This is a MAJOR improvement over where I was last year.

I never thought I would get even this far. It's surreal that I've lost so much and haven't gotten lazy or given up in despair. I'm really excited to see what's around the next corner. I just have to keep plugging away one day at a time until I finish. Then it's another project entirely--lest I lose sight of the reason I'm doing this in the first place, which is to get pregnant next year. I'm so overweight my hormones don't regulate themselves and I'm too out of shape to safely carry a baby. But not for much longer!!
 
Sweet!

I've lost another two pounds since I joined the gym. Even better, I actually LIKE working out there. I don't feel like an idiot or a fat loser because it's just all regular office people. I'm comfortable enough to completely spaz out, and when I'm done I'm soaked.

Also with this new routine I'm finally getting enough sleeeep. Man I need a lot of sleep. When I was in Jr high my mom was convinced I was on drugs because I slept so much. High school yes, jr high no. She should have worried when I wasn't sleeping for 14 hours.

In other news, I'm finally not the only person in my family trying to get healthy. My little 17 yr old brother gave up soda, junk food, and eating past six. That little asshole already lost 20 pounds. Teenage boys and their rediculous metabolisms, I say they can go straight to hell. Totally jealous. :willy_nilly:
 
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Influenza is a Downer

I have been sick for two weeks. Was really sick for a week - fever, aches, chills and a cough that is still lingering. I finally worked out today but kept my heart rate down around 125 because my lungs were itching so bad.

I still lost 2# from being sick. I'm sure I've been working on getting them back I've been pretty hungry and I have less strength of will to make good food choices. Lame.
 
I'm re-learning to jog! Woo-hoo!

I used to jog all the time when I was younger and a tad bit lighter. I would drag anyone and everyone with me. Friends, siblings, new boyfriends. My brother would extreme rollerblade and piss people off by doing all these destructive tricks off the rails and stairs at the college campus by our house. My sister would rollerskate all helter-skelter-like and get way ahead of me and collapse on the boulevard face down and lay there until I caught up, then up and at'em and tear-assing down the street. My much taller friends would walk next to me and passers-by would look at me all sweaty and tomato faced like they were super confused.

Then, one day I woke up and couldn't jog anymore. In fact, I couldn't really even walk or bike because my lower back muscles would cramp up. I was really frustrated and ashamed that it was pretty obvious that it was hurting me to walk. That was the point where I put my foot down on being fat.

I still am struggling with staying focused and motivated. I sometimes feel like I'm too lenient with myself and let myself get away with too much bad eating and taking days off of exercise. In the end I'm only hurting myself.

But there is progress. No more back pain and I'm able to really haul it for a block here and a block there. Not just walking speed like before, but a real, bone-fide JOG. I can go a little more each time. One day I will be a for-REAL runner. But for now I'm ok with Walk-jog-walk-jog.
 
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Flashback to Winter

This weekend "sucked hind tit" as my hubby likes to say. It stayed in the low 40s, snowed, rained, and was very windy. Therefore no bicycling. I prolly could have jogged... but I didn't. Instead I layer on the couch, watched TV, and grazed. Ugh, I feel like a pig.

I've found that I am very easily discouraged from exercising; something as minor as not wanting to carry my extra gear to work in the morning will stand in my way. This is not just a hypothetical example, it's the reason why I blew off my workouts last Monday and Tuesday. So I further invested in my program by paying for a six month locker rental at the fitness center. I am attempting to methodically and deliberately eliminate all avenues to excuse and escapism from the project at hand.

I recently read an article about why losing weight is so tough. The researcher who authored it explained that the fat becomes an organ in its own right and overrides control of hormones and metabolism to sustain itself. The fat itself is fighting against my efforts. Whenever I work really hard I get so insanely ravenous that I lose control over food choice and portion size. It's like my ability to reason and moderate flies out of sight and I can't reach it when I need it. But if I go at it slower than I can sneak it off without freaking out.

This has resulted in an average weight loss of 1.3# per week. SLOW. Ugh. Even with my new goal of 150 I don't think I'll finish by my birthday in February. Unless, of course, by some miracle I really catch a buzz on exercising and eating healthier again. Always hold out for the miracle!
 
I Pooped Out Big Time

Man I've drifted way off course. Nothing really happened... Or maybe "something" did and I just don't know how to identify it.

I got to where I could jog two miles without having to walk more than a block, and I was peeing like crazy so I took this as a good sign. But on the back side of that I was going crazy with hunger and found I was suddenly incapable of making good food choices. Then because of that I didn't want to write anything down. After two weeks of jogging I gained more muscle weight and lost interest in exercising.

Also, since I joined the gym I've been so focused in cardio that all my strength training has gone by the wayside. Now that's a total bummer cuz my abs used to feel so nice and tight under my flab and my arms were shaping up a little.

Maybe it's that I stopped doing what worked and started throwing all my energy at cardio like I used to do in my 20s which never ever worked for me. I was never able to lose weight in the past, but then this past winter I starting doing all those different activities and it actually worked.

I think I've been worried that what I was doing before wasn't enough and that I need to step ip my game. Now I think not so much. Slow and steady wins the race as they say.
 
I often take greater stock in anecdotal information than I do in published information, and especially so in the health and fitness realm. The basic science to losing fat is to eat better and exercise, but from there on out you're basically on your own. If you analyze the bulk of the literature out there you can see that basically each person's metabolism is entirely unique and there is no one "right" way to do it.

That's why I think it's so helpful to me when I get little nuggets of good information from my friends. I was talking to a friend as I helped her move today and found out that she and I have similar responses to exercise. I told her that I've been feeling burned out on my plan since I joined the gym. It turns out that she has the same problem with planned high-intensity activity where it just makes her hungrier and she doesn't lose weight. She said it's always worked better for her to do lower-intensity more frequently.

I just needed a little affirmation so I didn't think I was just making stuff up. My body really does only respond to the sneak attack on burning fat. If my fat knows what I'm up to it somehow manages to override all the circuitry to make me so irrationally hungry as to render me incapable of making a healthy food choice. So yes, I will make progress again if I get back to my old routine of just doing any old thing so long as it counted as exercise.

It sure would be nice to see some new progress. I haven't lost anything since March and I even gained 3# since I started running again. But I'm not sweating it--I did it before, I sure as shit can do it again.
 
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resorting to lecturing myself

Ok missy! This fat's not going to burn itself off. Get up off your ass and do something about it if you're not happy! Your deadline is just 8 months away and you still have SIXTY pounds to lose, that's 6-0, and at your current rate you're simply not going to make your goal! 35 weeks sister. 1.7 pounds a week. Get your act together!
 
Ok that didn't work for me yesterday seeing as how I remained curled up in the fetal position with a killer stomach ache all last night. I got home feeling a little gassy and swollen and I thought if I just stretched I'd be ok. Wrong. I thought for sure my stomach was going to explode from the pressure and my stomach felt white HOT. Jesus what'd I eat? Anyway, I'm attempting to talk myself into working out when I get home.

Work out without jogging that us. I don't know how it got into my head that its got to be jogging or nothing but it's hard to kick! I picked it up in my 20s that nothing but the hardest hardcore exercise will burn the fat. I gotta get over that shit.

It's sneak attack time again! A little here, a little there, with a little extra in the side. Go! Go! Go!
 
I just read you entire diary through - you have one funny prose going on! Honestly some of the things you wrote had me giggling :D:D You seem to be doing really well with your exercise, its theone area i find really diff to keep going with. I dont really like being sweaty! I pretty much started out at the same weight as you, and have another 60lbs to go too, so our goals are prob near identical :)

Good luck to you, I know you'll make the 8 month deadline!
 
I sure hope so sister

I'm actually quite unmotivated to exercise. I've only exercised one time since I started berating myself last week. I got some serious doldrums going on. I lost 30#, which fuckin rocks, but I still feel like a blobby pile of ick because I got so lazy and I don't have any cute clothes after donating 2/3 of my wardrobe. My drawers are full of sagging t shirts and my closets are full of pants I bought to hold me over and jackets that are too warm to wear now. So I made this progress but I still have so far to go and I can't afford to buy shit to look cute in the interim.

I kinda want to go ride my bike. I wonder if I will.
 
Yeah its crap being at the inbetween phase...dont wanna buy clothes that wont fit in a couple of weeks! Try ebay - i just bought some basic stuff and a few tops for going out and it was all cheap as hell. It's all new but maybe last season...dont care so long as it bloody well fits!
 
I Did It

I went for a bike ride! I went for an hour around my favorite neighborhood, very pretty and half hilly. I logged 8 miles! I think I'll do that route again, it kept my heart rate at sneak attack level and made me feel energized. The plan for tomorrow is upper body.

Let's see if I do THAT now , too.

Here's me fighting with myself every freaking day about whether to go exercise. I nearly always lose...:boxing:
 
Getting a little closer

Well I didn't do upper body, but I did go for another bike ride. Part of my ride was to go straight uphill for a continuous mile and a half. I did it without getting light-headed! That is freaking amazing. I also helped my friend move without getting light headed, which I was impressed with until I rode that hill.

Something I noticed today: I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus to show up and realized that I had my arms crossed. All the way. That just came out of nowhere, I wonder how long I've been doing it...?

Tonight was Ghost Hunters so I didn't work out, but tomorrow will be strength training! I hope :)boxing:)...
 
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