Random thoughts...

[HealthyEating]

"You owe it to yourself to do this."

Has anyone ever said this to you?

Someone said it to me yesterday in passing when we were talking about how serious I want to pursue something and it really made me think. I believe I've said it in not so much the same exact words quite a number of times to some of my clients and even members here on the forum.

But this guy doesn't know what I owe to myself anymore than I know what you owe to yourself.

I can't help but think that each of us deserves the best. Or at least the opportunity to work towards obtaining the best. Best what? I'm not really sure; I think it's up to you to answer that. I think most people need to be really good at just one thing, if not more... to passionately pursue at least something in life.

Passion is such a powerful emotion. Personally, the things I am passionate about are what helps put value on living and breathing. When I'm doing those things I am most passionate about is when I feel most alive. Most confident. Most happy, rooted and connected.

Is what we are owed the same as what we deserve?

If so, I truly believe we deserve in return the effort we put in. Although it's not always reciprocal... hard, consistent work tends to yield the deepest, longest lasting results.

Still thinking about some of the people I've worked with who struggled to find drive to pursue weight loss, I started thinking about the questions I asked above more.

I said we deserve the best.

But isn't it true that one has to believe they're deserving of the 'rewards' before they actually pursue them? Someone telling you you deserve great things doesn't mean you believe it. Hell, you telling yourself you deserve something doesn't make you believe it. If you don't believe it, why are you ever going to chase it?

If that's true, how do you bridge the disconnect between what you desire and the lack of what you believe you deserve?

In my experience, and I've been lucky enough to 'root around' in some people's minds, it always comes down to perception. Of course this is just my own perception and I'm sure there are other ways of looking at it and other answers that I'd be happy to hear.

For those who have trouble bridging this disconnect I speak of, it always seems their perceptions are wacky. Most often it's not their fault. When you're told something most every day you've been alive, you learn to walk in those shoes. You learn to become that person. We're impressionable and the 'script' life hands us often dictates who we become, or so it seems. What originates as a pair of lenses your environment places in front of your eyes, skews your vision, and, over time, becomes your actual eyes.

These eyes see clear as day too, which makes things extremely difficult since seeing is believing for many.

In this case, your beliefs are products of your repetitive environment and thinking differently against those beliefs acutely does jack all in terms of changing anything long term.

So repetition creates belief?

I'm rambling a lot and I'm not even sure where I'm taking this since it's literally a conversation I was having in my own head that didn't quite go anywhere or finish last night.

I asked myself, "What am I truly passionate about?"

The list was rather short:

1. Family and friends
2. Fitness/health and helping others on this level
3. Education
4. Freedom

That's really it. I mean those things can be subdivided and then divided some more from there. But they're my core passions.

Then I asked myself, "Did these passions come first before my positive action and positive results? Or did my actions help develop said passions? And do I believe I'm deserving of them?"

The first set of questions I'm not sure about.

The last question is I wholeheartedly believe I'm deserving of them. Why?

Because I put in the work.

lol

But this brought me back around to my simple dilemma of, 'if you don't believe you deserve something you're not going to put the kind of work required into it.'

So I must have believed I was deserving from the get go but I'm not exactly sure where that belief came from. I suppose, the belief, or lack thereof, is rooted in our histories, experience and environments... as I concluded above.

Some of us are lucky and pull a good card. These people's environments are such that fuel success and feelings/beliefs of self-deserving.

Others are not so lucky.

And there has to be ways to work around that.

I know one thing. Asking questions of yourself about your thoughts and beliefs is so crazily important. It helps you identify patterns and distortions that habitually dictate your decisions. We're all thinking thousands of thoughts per day. Rarely do we ask, "Why did I just think that? Where did it come from? What does it mean? Is there another way of looking at it?"

They say there's two sides to everything.

There's a lot more than that, so make sure you 'peep around the corners' every once in a while.

I know I have my opinions, some of which I've expressed throughout this forum, about the subject. If anyone has anything to add or wants to discuss anything, it's your stage.

Put down the bong dude.

 

[maleficent]

You have to believe that what you are doing is right for you This is all about your journey and what is right for YOU.

I have said this more times than i can count -especially when people say they've lost motivation... people need to find their own motivation... their own reasons...they have to live with their choices and those choices will get them to where they want to be.

For doing anything.. not just fitness and weight loss...

Despite being Oprah endorsed (at the time anyhow, she's since moved on to faddier diets that don't work) the You on a Diet doctors had an exercise in their book taking you thru how to find your reasons... and that was a series of Whys.. So many people say they want to get healthier (which is usually bullshit, and most of them couldn't tell you what healthier actually meant which is why they can't stick with anything for more than a few weeks - they just don't know what their why is)

anything else I write would bound to be seen as not positive so... I'm out

 

[jzthedetermined]

... people need to find their own motivation... their own reasons...they have to live with their choices and those choices will get them to where they want to be.

For doing anything.. not just fitness and weight loss...

But those choices, if bad, could lead them to where they DON'T want to be. CONSEQUENCES... good and bad. Maybe it comes down to personal accountability??? What you said is 100% correct, but even having their own reasons, strong, driving ones, it's still not enough for some. BUT, you probably mean that if the reasons are strong enough, they will push the individual into taking all the little steps to incorporate their own plan of attack to get to where they want to be. Maybe the individuals who want something, need new "stronger" reasons???

 

[Steve]

I agree with everybody here.

The plans we make for ourselves have to be extremely flexible. Plan A rarely pans out from beginning to end. There are many, many curves in the road we take on our journey through life.

A lot of people think that if Plan A doesn't work out, it's not meant to be. In many cases, that couldn't be further from the truth. I consider curveballs to be minor speed bumps that are placed in my path to test my resolve. If I want something badly enough, I'll expend the extra energy it takes to get over each bump. But that takes belief in oneself and one's ability to reach the destination. The journey is what teaches us lessons about what we're made of and is the most valuable part of the equation. The destination is often anti-climactic

And I agree with this wholeheartedly.

But you have to have the courage, belief, desire or whatever have you to get started on Plan A to realize you might have to move to Plan B. I'm talking about those who can't seem to mustard it up to start, let alone learn from mistakes and make rational changes.

Invariably in some cases people are just lazy shits.

But I've met quite a few where it goes well beyond that, as if they're frozen by their preconceived notions. Some might say they're weak, but it doesn't seem like that to me.

I might add that in these cases, in my experience, these are the individuals suffering from the most obesity.

Success is simply perseverance and the belief in our ability to reach our destination of choice.

There's that belief thingamajig again.

 

[jzthedetermined]

There's that belief thingamajig again.

I can't resist quoting a GREAT movie here ...

"Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. It's like a carousel. You put the quarter in, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and around. Circular, circle. Feel it. Go with the flow."

 

[Steve]

I agree. That's why I'm cautious around words like "deserve" and "owe" because it has the connotation of "entitlement" and I don't think any of us are entitled to anything.

I agree 100%.

And probably on a sadder note, I'm also aware that you can struggle (or fight) for something, and still not get it. I just had a family member pass away who fought tooth and nail to get better and they didn't -- and it's a reminder that there are a lot of things in life that end up that way.

Yup, I've known a few people like that already in my life. The world always has the ability to rob us of whatever it wants, including life. A lot of people take the finiteness of it for granted, but it's very real obviously.

That matters none in terms of my goals though. I operate with the sole intent of milking the time I do have, no matter how short it might be, for all it's worth.

That's why I stress the wants versus needs. I need to lose weight for my health -- I may want Cindy's body, but I'm not sure I can get that.

I don't think you said it outright, but it seemed like a linear argument. Like I said above, sometimes those things aren't linear. Losing weight doesn't guarantee a perfect body -- hence my question about if even when I'm thinner, if I'll be healthier or if I won't... how much are the two correlated?

After signing off last night I realized why you interpreted what I said the way you did. It was logical.

Everyone deserves the best.

Therefore if you want to look like Cindy, you deserve it.

That's not what I meant.

Please realize these are ramblings from my own head. A conversation with myself if you well. So try and read this as if it's an experienced person speaking with an experienced person who knows well the bounds and limits of our potential.

If there's something I've said more than anything else on here, it's "manage expectations."

Put differently, your best is your best and nobody else's, and that's all you can expect. Obviously someone who isn't experienced or knowledgeable could lack the understanding of this and that's why we talk about these sorts of things on this forum. To implant that knowledge.

I know that either way, thinness doesn't guarantee complete health, but at least it'll get me one step closer with the PCOS -- colds, infections, other things may require other changes in my life or just dumb luck!

Of course there are health benefits associated with leading a healthy lifestyle. That said, IMO, genetics play to great a role in selecting who will die from this or that to believe I'm able to make any serious dent in my health potential or longevity.

That may surprise some here but that's truly my beliefs.

I've seen too many excruciatingly out of shape people in my life live long lives and too many healthy people die too young to think otherwise.

I think our lifestyles can override this to some extent, but in the grand scheme it's minor.

I do believe that this lifestyle can drastically improve quality of life though. It's not all about longevity of course, and that's what makes it worth it in my mind.

Plus the benefit of looking good within you genetic boundaries is a plus.

But this is getting away from the topic.

The people you're talking about might fall into this category. If they've never known another reality, how can they formulate the desire for it?

That's an intriguing thought, thanks.

The thing is, from my dealings with them, it does seem as if they want it. They just lack the belief they deserve it or the courage to go after it. I used to think if you want something bad enough you'll push forward regardless. That doesn't seem to be the case with these people.

I don't know. My own actions might indicate a path, but it's a convoluted one.

I first had to admit that there was a problem. Then I had to figure out what is the problem -- in my case, it was a lack of education, finding it hard to find the education,

I think most here know I do believe education is one of the foundational factors to success in this endeavor. How did you go about improving your education?

Yeah. For me it was pictures -- seeing hundreds of pictures where I looked fat. At first, I thought it was the camera. Then the clothes I wore. Then the pose. Finally I realized those pictures were probably telling the truth and I had to come to face reality of my situation.

But it's taken me almost 18 months to figure that out. Crazy, isn't it?

Crazy but common. Like I said, the mind trails reality.

Yes and no. I'm luck with my family. They do support me, but they also have a certain set of beliefs that works for them and they wished (hard) that I would also follow that set of beliefs for weight-loss and nutrition.

And I don't think they are wrong, per se. They aren't.

But it's not MY path right now. That's what I struggle with -- finding my own path, when I know it isn't something they follow or even that they know.

I'm not suggesting it's a specific way of raising a child that leads to the ability to believe. I'm suggesting that how you raise a child, and this can be very loose and indefinable, most likely plays a role in one's ability to believe more easily when compared to the others I'm speaking of. And it's probably not the sole factor. In fact I know it's not.

Something interesting from my childhood -- you'd think this would be a BENEFIT, but in my case, it wasn't.

My mother controlled the portions we received at home. I was never a fat child or teenager. I learned to eat enough to be a perfectly acceptable weight for my height.

But the problem is, I didn't learn portion control. I learned to eat what was served in front of me. And I am STILL learning how to control portions because my concept of portions came from "whatever-is-on-my-plate".

And this is something that people don't learn in school, don't learn in college, and you have to actively go online and research this in books if you want to know. Restaurants, cafeterias, delivery places, etc., don't teach any of this.


I've enjoyed reading and writing about this too. I could probably go all night.

That is interesting.

In my case I was aloud to eat whatever I wanted and my house was full of shit food.

Funny how I turned out relative to that fact.

 

[Steve]

It's that little voice inside people saying "You're not good enough". That's what prevents people from stepping outside their comfort zone.

So it's a problem with personal identity?

I've suggested that as one of the problems before and I think you're right. It's sort of along the lines of what I was talking about earlier regarding one's historical environment carving a new pair of lenses for someone to view not only the world through, but also yourself.

 

[Steve]

I also believe you need to ensure your subconscious mind is on the same page as your conscious mind, because your subconscious mind is a far more powerful tool in the long run since that's where all those little voices are coming from that can ultimately prevent you from attaining your goal.

The fact is, more often than not, we need to be pushed out of our comfort zone in order to grow or do something beneficial for ourselves. Unfortunately, not everybody is able to push themselves and they want people to help push them to start the process. But in order to succeed, the drive and the will must come from within the individual.

I have a standard response for people who think they don't have will power: "Exercise your will power and it will get stronger". The more a person uses it, the easier it gets to use it.

When those same people think they don't have what it takes to attain their goals, I always ask "Do you have what it takes to regret for the rest of your life not doing what you need to do today?" At the very least, they'll think about it

Good stuff Maureen.

 

[Steve]

Great stuff in here! I think it's a question that has many different answers for many different people.

That can't be stressed enough!

 

[Steve]

Put down the bong dude.

Profound.

Thanks for your input.

 

[Steve]

I have said this more times than i can count -especially when people say they've lost motivation... people need to find their own motivation... their own reasons...they have to live with their choices and those choices will get them to where they want to be.

For doing anything.. not just fitness and weight loss...

Despite being Oprah endorsed (at the time anyhow, she's since moved on to faddier diets that don't work) the You on a Diet doctors had an exercise in their book taking you thru how to find your reasons... and that was a series of Whys.. So many people say they want to get healthier (which is usually bullshit, and most of them couldn't tell you what healthier actually meant which is why they can't stick with anything for more than a few weeks - they just don't know what their why is)

Interesting, I'll have to crack that book open again. That's something I go through with my clients too.

anything else I write would bound to be seen as not positive so... I'm out

Poppycock.

You're take is your take and should be expressed if you have something to say.

 

[Steve]

I can't resist quoting a GREAT movie here ...

"Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. It's like a carousel. You put the quarter in, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and around. Circular, circle. Feel it. Go with the flow."

Haha, is that from that Adam Sandler movie? Talking about the wedding ring?

 

[Steve]

I left out that I'm also keen on having clients write down their values. Obviously values influence behavior and willingness as well.

 

[i_love_muscle]

So it's a problem with personal identity?

I've suggested that as one of the problems before and I think you're right. It's sort of along the lines of what I was talking about earlier regarding one's historical environment carving a new pair of lenses for someone to view not only the world through, but also yourself.

I think it's a huge component of why people aren't more proactive. And negative thinking can play a part in that as well. A lot of people fear failure. The word has a negative connotation to it. People put a lot of pressure on themselves and feel that the rest of world is putting the same pressures on them when the reality is the world isn't (another perception problem ).

Failure is not a bad thing and I think we need to look at "failure" as being part of growing as individuals. If you have no failures, you probably don't do anything. And the fact is, most people can stand to learn a lot more from their failures than their successes.

If babies stopped learning how to walk the first or second time they fell down because they believed they had "failed", we'd all still be crawling around on our hands and knees. Babies don't know the difference between success and failure. They just "do".

Somewhere along the line, the normal trials and tribulations of growing have been equated with failure. This is all wrong.

For me, there is no "failure". It's not an option. What other people define as "failure", I define as growth. My definition is also a lot better for your self-worth

 

[i_love_muscle]

I left out that I'm also keen on having clients write down their values. Obviously values influence behavior and willingness as well.

Steve, what type of values are you referring to? Things like integrity, tenacity, etc.? Or are you looking for things that we value, like our health and family? Or are you referring to the whole gamut of values, i.e., personal values, cultural values, social and work values?

I don't mean to make this any harder than it already is

 

[jzthedetermined]

Are you trying to find the "why" for them, by having them list their values?? I'm curious too.

 

[Steve]

Our values drive our choices, as well as a few other things.

Often times I ask someone to list their values and give no more instruction. The common response is usually, "I've never really thought about this."

That's astonishing considering how foundational they are in decision making.

It's like anything else with the mind; left to their own, they'll revert to whatever you have 'programmed' in the mind from your environments, and most of this is unconscious.

If someone verbally signifies they desire A but their actions are always B, something is off.

You see it here on the forum all the time.

They want to lose weight but their actions aren't in line with said desire.

I'm not so sure it's a problem with the mind; in truth I think it's a matter of problems with perception and lack of organization of thoughts. Sure, they can be viewed as one in the same but in this case that's not what I mean. Neurally, I don't think there's a problem is what I mean.

I think in the moment, they want B more than they want A. Otherwise they wouldn't choose B over A. Or they're not even consciously aware of A at the time even though it's something they feel strongly about normally.

If we don't identify our values and our whys and continually monitor, update and remind ourselves of them... Bs will always creep in and push As to the conscious background where they're left to blend it with the remainder of habitual, unconscious thought patterns.

So identifying values and whys on paper is the first step in developing a foundation to stand firmly on, imo.

Conflicting values are also important to identify.

"I value cookies"

"I value being lean"

Cookies are short term. You can obtain them now.

Fat loss is long term. You can't obtain it now.

This is just another reason identifying values is critical if you're ever going to manage them long term.

 

[Steve]

Are you trying to find the "why" for them, by having them list their values?? I'm curious too.

In a way I suppose.

In truth they need to find a why for themselves. When a why comes along without outside intervention it's usually stronger than an 'implanted' why coming from someone such as myself.

But at least it gets them thinking.

It's always amazing to me how little people spend time on thinking about not only their goals, but why they want to obtain them. What will it mean? What will it mean to not obtain them? Why are these goals something of desire for me and where do they come from? What is the cost and what do I think about said cost? How do I identify myself and does said identity flow with where I want to be in the future? On and on...

Most people don't go beyond, "I want to lose some weight."

So all these exercises that to some, seem quite silly, are simply to get you thinking on deeper levels.

 

[i_love_muscle]

You didn't answer my question

 

[Steve]

Steve, what type of values are you referring to? Things like integrity, tenacity, etc.? Or are you looking for things that we value, like our health and family? Or are you referring to the whole gamut of values, i.e., personal values, cultural values, social and work values?

I don't mean to make this any harder than it already is

No rules there.

Different 'layers' of values mean different things to different people and they'll respond accordingly.

So if I limit to a certain 'layer' than something important could be missed.