Project Rox

OMG Rox, I am so sorry. I wish that I could say something to make you feel better but it is too raw for you at the moment. It will get better in time and like you say at least this didn't happen while you were already feeling bad about your yourself as you could have spiralled right out of control.
The only consolation that I can give you is that I had a marraige break up many years ago and it seemed like the end of the world at the time but now I am so happy that it happened as I am so much happier with my current husband than I ever would have been with the first one. I'm not saying that you should dash out and look for somebody else as that is far from what you will want at the moment , but that sometimes these awful things happen because something better is on the way.
Use this to really drop that last bit of weight so that you feel really good about yourself and your confidence won't take such a kick.
I wish that I could be there for you so that you could just talk and talk to get it out of your system.
Huge hugs to you and if you need to talk about anything that you are uncomfortable about in the forums then just send a private message xx
ETA - Sorry but I have just realized that you didn't say whether your marraige is over or not, I just made assumptions based on my own experience. Whatever you decide will be hard but bit by bit things will become more normal and you will start to feel happy again.:hug2:
 
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Been thinking about you all morning. It never ceases to amaze me how people that we have never met can become important enough to us to care about what is happening in their lives.
 
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Aw man, this is horrible news. I'm so sorry Rox. No one deserves that kind of disrespect. You're doing right by focusing all that anger and sadness towards something positive. Just don't over do the exercising, I know it's your outlet right now but don't hurt yourself on top of him hurting you with his audacity. You are beautiful, and you should remind yourself of that.

I wish I could give you more advice, better advice. I've only dated a few guys (3) and they all cheated on me. I never gave them another chance, I always just let them go but I still don't forgive them.

There's an article on ehow on how to recover from an affair

It's probably things you know already. I'm really sorry this happened to you.
 
Thank you both so much. It means a lot to me that you guys are there for me.

Val- thanks for sharing some of your own experience. To be honest, I still hardly know what to think about this mess. He doesn't want me to go, but I'm not sure I still want him....

Pen- Thanks so much for the support. I'll definitely have a look at the info. I can use all the help I can get here.

My exercise has mainly been walking, as we've been camping out for so long. I haven't overdone, but have built up good muscle. I lost 5 lbs over the last three weeks, but some of that was fat replaced by muscle mass, so I'm not too disappointed.

I'm trying to focus on things I can control right now...and at least my body is something I can fix myself. Counting calories and improving my body really keeps me from going crazy....

I SO wish that this was not my life. I'm a very honest and trusting person and this has hit me really hard.....
 
Rox take your time to decide what you want to do and don't be influenced or pressured by anybody. At the moment you are hurting so bad that it is difficult to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Try and pamper yourself a bit and think about what is best for you.
Well done on not using this as an excuse to overindulge but doing the exact opposite and using it to the good of your health.
sending big hugs your way xx
 
Poor Rox
Unfortunately I have been through something very similar. I was young and stupid once (well arent we all) I got married when I was 19 to some fool who wasn't good enough for me (not that I knew that THEN). It was very... volatile, and I found out not only was he cheating on me, but he was lying to -everyone- about what a horrible, cheating person -I- was, and by the time it was out in the open, even some of my closest friends took his word over mine, and one of them was even one he'd cheated with.

The best advice I can give you for getting through this is just what I know worked for me. I was young, naive, trusting, and didn't think that sort of thing really happened except on soap operas, and I was so crushed I didn't even know what to do with myself. But coming out the other side, I wish I could have given myself advice that I know now. That one person does not dictate your worth. I felt worthless for a little while, as well as all those other emotions that come with being betrayed... but then I got PISSED OFF. I mean, REALLY pissed off. I didn't deserve it and I wouldn't let someone that low make -me- feel like less of a person. So I packed up all my crap and I moved about 1000 miles away back to my home town. Thats probably the only thing that saved me from a long drawn out battle with my emotions, was not seeing that stupid person every day and letting them try to sweet talk me with apologies. You're worth so much more than letting someone who robs you of trust make you feel like you owe them forgiveness! If your gut isn't sure you still want them, take some time away to sort through what you feel, without the influence of them begging you not to. When I left, I said it was temporary. But I knew in my heart it wasn't.

Even if its not forever, getting away from that person and getting feedback from people you trust as well as getting time to gather your own thoughts is imperative. I actually regret staying with my ex as long as I did after I found out about it all. I kept thinking things would be different. Then I realized i'd been saying that for two years.

Stay strong, and stay true to yourself. Your worth is NOT defined by anyone but you!

I agree with eyckmans, sometimes things happen for a reason. My ex didn't respect me, and my self esteem was too low to notice, looking back I was like a puppy hanging on his every attention. I never would have realized I was like that if he hadn't cheated on me. Now i'm 25, just a little bit wiser, and I found someone who absolutely adores me in a positive, uplifting way, and i'm incredibly thankful that I went through all of that pain because now I know just a little bit better what's good for me and what's not. And that it was my exes flaws, not mine, that caused it.
 
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Val- Thanks. You always know what to say. I think you're right that I have to go slowly and follow my heart. I have four children to think of, as well. It's all so complicated...

Kelly- Thank you SO much for sharing what you went through. It's good for me to hear from women that have gone through this and come out stronger and better than before!


My 19th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. I had been looking forward to it as a happy celebration. Does that suck, or what?
 
Things are beyond awful. I'm still with my husband, but it's horrible. I wouldn't wish this on anybody....
We're trying to get along right now, as we're staying at my parents' house. We leave on Saturday morning, though and will be back in France by Sunday morning. That's when I'll really have to decide what I'm going to do....

On the other hand, I weighed in at 180 today. I'm glad I have that to cheer me up.
In the past, I've always gained weight under stress. I'm SO happy to be losing weight now. It really helps me feel good about myself.
 
What an awful situation for you :(
Once you get back to France you'll be more able to think clearly and decide what you want to do. As I said take your time without pressure from anybody. Don't make decisions purely on what you think your children want because if you aren't happy then your children won't be either. You need to work out what you think will be best for you and the children and really bare in mind that this unhappiness won't last for ever so try and see what will make you all happiest in the future once things have calmed down.
Your husband has lost the right to have a say in your future so you are holding all the cards now to do things your way and with your new found confidence I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and your family.
I have so much admiration for you that you are managing to get something positive out of this instead of using it as an excuse to binge.
Lots of hugs
val
 
Thanks so much. This forum is a bit of a lifeline for me and your messages of support mean a lot.

I have to say that I have NO clue what I will do to resolve this. Half the time I think I should kick him out and the other half of the time I think we can work it out for the sake of our children.

On the other hand, he's not very cooperative. He's nice enough, but not really sorry about any of it. He's sure not going to any effort to sway my decision...There's no sense that he'll fight for our relationship and prove things can get better. All the effort would have to come from me...and I don't think that can work.

As for my self control...I mostly just don't feel hungry.. My body feels so bad and sick (racing heart and churning stomach) that I don't want to eat. From time to time, I do feel a bit ok and like I could eat something, I do sometimes feel like I could eat something normal, but I hold back. I am SO motivated to be thin and looking my best! I am only 44 years old and still have a life ahead of me.
My husband is actually 14 years older than I am.
Hope he plans to die alone and abandoned by everyone, because that's how things are shaping up around here.
When our families and friends find about about this, nobody will speak to him again...maybe not even his own mom, who completely adores me.

I guess I'm far off the topic of weightloss- but it is kind of related, right? Weightloss through Misery. Guess it's efffective....
 
Rox, don't worry about being off topic. This is your own personal diary with your friends dropping in to chat so talk about whatever you want to. :hug2:
I'm so glad that you have a family that will be supportive and also maybe your mother in law.
I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will feel better bit by bit although it will be very up and down at first. What you need to do now is talk, talk and talk some more with your husband and family members and friends. The more you talk about it the more it will be come clear in your head what you want to do. I'm sorry that your husband hasn't even got it in him to be apologetic. You so don't deserve that and whatever you do don't let him turn the blame on you for any reason at all. xxx
 
Hi Rox I haven't really been online for a while now and I was very sorry to hear the bad news....The fact that you are still standing strong defines your character alot!!! You are a strong women and you will get out of this situation even stronger.

As for your decision I think a conversation with the husband is needed to know where he stands, cause if you do decide that you want to stay in the realtionship you can't save it alone,,,he will need to put in as much work into this as you!

My thought are with you!!! I am sending you a hug!
 
It's true that we need to do far more talking about this. Things will get easier once we're back home and can hash things out on our own. I'm under far too much stress here in the USA. Once my kids are back in their routine and I'm in my own house, I'll feel better.

As for my husband....I don't even know if I should call him that..maybe I'll start using 'SB' to denote him. That stands for 'Stupid Bastard', btw.
Anyway, SB is making me crazy, as are my parents. I had considered confiding in my mom about this terrible crisis, but incidents yesterday reminded me why that is not possible. I know that if I told her, she would try to come through for me, but she has hurt me so may times that I can't take the risk.
She'll have to read about my divorce on my blog later, along with the rest of the world....
 
I am hanging in there. It's hard.
I'm must keep a calm front, while trying to get my future in order. My husband is delusional and thinks I believe his lies. I nod, smile and make cups of tea.
What I need to find time and freedom to do is:
1.Photocopy all the incriminating emails, so I have a copy to keep and one for the lawyer
2.Find a lawyer
3. Get tested for HIV

My diet is going great. I can barely eat and nervous energy keeps me pacing around.

This morning, I threw out my fat clothes. Then I took some clothes that my daughter passed on to me and tried on cute outfits. There's a jean skirt that is SO adorable with really high heels. And now that I'm over 40lbs lighter, I find that heels don't hurt as much. i feel light as a feather...
 
I weighed in at 175.5 this morning. I'm just a pound and a half away from my first mini-goal of 174.
I started my weight loss at the end of April 2010. I think 45.5 lbs is a good loss in three and a half months.

Now I can start thinking about my final goal....
In high school, I weighed 144lbs. I felt "fat" back then. But I wasn't . And I think I'd be pleased to get back to that weight now, at age 44.

So, I think I'll lose another 30 lbs.
I'll do it by Christmas.

Things here are calm. I am letting my husband think everything is ok and our problems can be worked out. he has no idea that i know all about his affairs. and how he has spent thousands of dollars on his mistresses.. It's incredible. We have four kids. i often shop at the thrift store for clothes for myself and the kids. I go to the discount store to shop for food and keep within a budget so we can afford to work on our house and travel to see our families. And all these years, he's been siphoning off money to lavish on his women. It kills me. At this point, I don't even care that he never loved me. It just breaks my heart that he cares so little for our beautiful children.
He says they mean the world to him, but he is a pathological liar....

I might no be online much for the next week. We're supposed to visit my MIL for a week up in the north of France. I can't get out of it without a big fight, so I'd best go.
 
The more I read about your husband the more disgusted I feel Rox. Doing these things to you is bad enough but treating his own kids with so little respect is dreadful.
Your weight loss has been amazing so far and I know that you will use this to get to the weight that you want to be. I'm the same as you. I can't wait to be 140 lbs but was disgusted with myself the first time I ever reached that weight.
I hope that things aren't too terrible for you next week and try and get to a computer to update.:hug2:
 
My husband is indeed awful. He's such a disgusting hypocrite.

I'm almost beyond being angry at this point. he's such a pathetic liar that there's no point. He lives in his delusional world of lies and there's no getting through to him. he doesn't even think he's done anything wrong. seriously.

Anyway- thanks for the encouragement!
Today was a stellar day for me, weightloss-wise. i was at my MIL's house for the last week and couldn't weigh myself. So, i was very pleased to get back home and then weigh-in this morning at...172.7 lbs!
I'm actually 1.3 lbs below my first goal.
I can actually shop in normal clothes shops....
My figure is still so unbalanced, though. I'm about a size 10 on top, but a 12 to 14 on the bottom. It's kind of dreadful...

Anyway, i still have lots to lose. i need to figure out my new goal. I've lost more than 48 lbs and I'm sure i can lose more...especially with my horrible husband to kill my appetite...

I think my final goal will be about 144.
That's about another 29 lbs.
It's what i weighed back in high school.
Sounds good!
 
dear rox,

i am absolutely amazed by your progress! Congratulations on weighing in over your goal, usually people fall off way before they reach their goal!

I am sorry for your husband's infidelity, and mostly for his attitude about it. How horrible.

I send you my good thoughts and continue losing for good health! and for higher heels ;)
 
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