Thank you Veronica
I feel blindsided but it's my own fault, I have/had tunnel vision. I feel like I'm so close to being derailed and I'm scared, angry, frustrated, confused.
The huge swings with the fibro pain levels are tiring, but I had that tunnel firmly trained on the fibro, I was ready for this because I knew it was coming, I could prepare for it and it was familiar just different. It's the beast I know.
Every day is a roller coaster, at the crest of the hill I feel both physically and mentally good, I feel like I'm in control. I read my Diary of workouts, I'm doing wayyyy more than I thought I would be doing at this point and I'm proud.... and then I scroll down to my calorie intake and I tip over the top of that crest and start the free fall.
When I see those numbers my immediate gut reaction is that it is good, I'm controlling it, I have power over my body,
I determine with conscious decisions what I eat and how much of it.
I feel acutely aware of my hunger or more accurately my lack of hunger. When I eat when I'm not hungry I feel counterproductive, guilty, backwards.
By the time the day is coming to an end and I'm well under 1000cal I am forcing myself to be logical and smart and I make myself eat something and the whole time I'm eating I'm thinking that any progress I made with walking/workouts is being erased... it's illogical and I know it but my mind always goes there and stays.
When I eat as I start to feel full my mood changes from strong and progressive to weak and backwards. I am so close to the edge of making wrong choices, eating too much, adding another snack, the more I eat the closer I am to that failure... I make sure that any time I eat it's in the 200ish cal range so I can leave myself extra calories at the end of the day.
IF I binge late late late at nite ...which is something I have done in the past.. wake up in the middle of the nite and go to the kitchen and eat.. if I do that it won't be as bad... I have "saved calories and I have room". I have yet to find myself doing this, but I think I unconsciously leave that cushion just in case, and every day I don't use that cushion I feel a sense of satisfaction, I didn't get up and eat, I didn't use those calories, I maintained my control and it feels satisfying... I point that tunnel vision at what I in my own sick way perceive as a positive.
Logically I can admit that my thinking is wrong, that it is only going to replace one problem with another, but when I think about it logically I feel overwhelmed, the changes I need to make to do this in a healthy way feel dangerous and scary.
I feel if I do it "right" I will fail and that makes me feel like this house of cards will crash down at any second. Logically I think it needs to fall and somehow I deserve it because I'm wrong on so many levels and I don't know if I'm strong enough to change it. The sooner it falls, the sooner I've fulfilled the inevitable failure that sits in the back of my mind, but the longer I avoid it and keep that house of cards standing upright I feel like I've achieved at least something, it doesn't matter that it's wrong and dangerous.
I hate that I can't rationalize this, I'm intelligent but I feel ignorant. I have all of the tools at my disposal to do this right but I can't put it together in a cohesive package.
Little things are making me angry. My family are wonderful and proud that I'm doing this but they don't understand. In their defense I haven't tried very hard. I have told my husband that I'm not getting enough calories into me in a day and he just smiles at me with that sympathetic smile and I get angry and I leave it at that.
Miss Em will come with me to walk, and when I start to feel the burn I mention it, or in general conversation I will mention the length of a workout or how I felt doing something. I'm happy that I'm working hard and can feel it and want to share that
.... but then she tells me about how far SHE has walked before or what they did in gym at school, something is beyond what I'm doing or can do right now and I get angry at her (I don't express my anger, I just listen to her story quietly, my anger is illogical), what she says makes me feel inferior.
I'm angry that she CAN and I CAN'T, I'm angry that I feel like I'm in a pissing match with her and she is winning, a pissing match that is in my mind and truly doesn't exist, she is just contributing to the conversation from her experience.
I'm sure she doesn't consciously mean to one up me and despite talking to my hubby about it .. and him talking to her .. she still does it .. she is just being a typical teenager but it makes me angry and being angry with both of them about these things makes me not want to share anything verbally. I will just wait for the changes to be visible instead of just lip service which is what it feels like now, I feel a lot but I see nothing yet.
Almost everyone in my crew final tabled a tourney (including me weeee!) and this week is a special higher payout week on one of the sites so it looks like I will be grinding long hours, but its long hours of doing something I absolutely love so it's all good.
