luckycharms
New member
So I started writing this with the anticipation I would save it to a folder on my computer and never see it again. I have decided to post it to the Forum instead.
I apologize now for any grammar mistakes as I realize that as a rant turned into a self cooping story it is probably full of mistakes. Thanks for reading it, if you do.
Weight Loss Journal
Every day i look into the mirror wondering what i have done to myself.
The anxiety, the doubt, the feeling of never being good enough. I just can not seem
to face myself anymore. I have all these different things going for me in my life and yet
i still just want to run away from them all. I really need to look myself in the mirror and
tell myself that I can do this. I have being on this diet for 5 days now. I havent had a monster
or a soda in 5 days. The headaches are starting to hit me and I constantly feel sick but I need to do this
I can not imagine not being able to play with my son because i am to fat or to tired. Even more so, every time
something happens in my family I have to be the tough one. I have to be the one everyone leans to and when i Show
emotion people get mad at me because I havent kept myself together. This may just seem like a lot of rambling but
I have to get it out as part of learning to deal with everything. I work in EMS and I have seen more death that I
have ever thought I would have. Every time I sit there thumping on someone chests I look into their eyes in which I
do not know if they see me or they see nothing. I think about their family, their wife/husband, children, etc..
In March of 2010 I was 190-200 pounds in the best shape of my life everything seem to be going right and then I hurt
my shoulder and had to have surgery. By the time I was done with the recovery from the surgery I was up to 220 pounds
but again I was able to start working out and dropped back to 210. I stayed strong at 210 for awhile till July 2012,
I had gone of for Military Training for a month. Four days into the training my exgf of over 2 years sent me a text
saying that she was leaving me and that she will have all her stuff moved out of the apartment. I could not believe
what had happened and instantly went into a deep depression but of course I could not tell anyone because I had to be strong.
I got home at the end of July to find my clothes thrown into a pile on the floor and nothing left in my apartment. She had
even took my hamster. I had to move back into my father's house who I have not had a good relationship with in well over 3 years.
I was driving 55 minutes to a job barely making the money to cover the cost of gas. I was living in a cloud, barely able to wake
up in the morning and barely able to make it through work without just walking out. I was doing things I did not approve of
just because I wanted to feel close to someone but it just felt meaningless and mindless. That when I started talking to this woman
at my work, she was not the most gorgeous woman in the world or so all those magazines would say, but she had a smile that melted
my heart but every time I tried to talk to her she would run away. I did not give up though because I wanted to get to know her, but
of course there were complications. In September I lost my grandfather and my cousin within two weeks of each other and again I was
pushed even father into depression. I could not control myself anymore I ate constantly, whether it was fast food or whatever, I
just could not stop. In October of 2012 I was up to 260 and I did not even care. I did not care about myself, I did not care about others,
I had thoughts that I had never had before which made ever day hard to breath till October 14. I had gone up to Maine for a family gathering
for the first time in 4 years. I was happy to see everyone but it was still hard because everyone kept asking me about my cousin and grandfather.
I did not want to talk about it but was forced to. I had been talking even more to the woman I worked with which made stuff slightly better
but it did not help completely. That morning I got a text from her saying that she had just gotten into a fight with family and she needed to get
away so not thinking I invited her to Maine and in a single moment my whole life turned upside down for the better. She drove up that day, we spent the
weekend up all night, walking the beach, staring at stars and laughing with my family. Everything was turning around and
I could not be any happier. We were always together giggling and laughing and I was finally feeling better, but like always something has to happen.
March 2013, My girlfriend(the one I worked with) and I went out to Las Vegas it was the most amazing experience ever. I enjoyed ever minute of it. We went
out to the desert, clubs and drove the strip was amazing. The third day there she woke up and told me she was not feeling very good. She kept making little
comments like her boobs hurt, her shirt was really tight and she was really nausea. When we got home she took a pregnancy test and now a whole new part of my life was starting. I was scared and excited at the same time, but I was going to be the best father/boyfriend i can. Unfortunately, her cravings started to kick in. Fast food, cookies, candies, ice cream and I could not just let her eat it alone right? November 6, 2013 My son was born. At the same time I was up to 275 pounds and I could not believe it. Working 6 12 hour shifts a week, not eating right, not working out it was all adding up. I had to keep getting new uniforms at work, people were constanly making fun of my weight, and I was constantly feeling like crap. Now that I am 24 years old I am 285 pounds. I have gained almost 100 pounds since I was 20. This is not ok, I will change this.
Currently I am on a 1000-1300 Calorie a Day Diet. I have gone a week so far on this and I am already feeling better.
I am only checking my weight at the end of each month. I am posting my story to this website for one of two reasons. First, this is tough but with support and hints/tips from the people on this site I hope that I can change my life for the better. Second, I needed to get this off my chest. I need to come to realization of what has happen. Learn from it and move on from it.
My Goal is to go from Size 44 pants to Size 32. I refuse to pick a weight or a BMI because one you get there you get comfortable and you start to gain weight again.
If you read all of this mess thank you. I know it could not have been easy as it was mostly a rant but it has helped me get stuff off my chest and feel even that much
better about myself. Thanks again.
I plan to write updates every 2-4 weeks.
I apologize now for any grammar mistakes as I realize that as a rant turned into a self cooping story it is probably full of mistakes. Thanks for reading it, if you do.
Weight Loss Journal
Every day i look into the mirror wondering what i have done to myself.
The anxiety, the doubt, the feeling of never being good enough. I just can not seem
to face myself anymore. I have all these different things going for me in my life and yet
i still just want to run away from them all. I really need to look myself in the mirror and
tell myself that I can do this. I have being on this diet for 5 days now. I havent had a monster
or a soda in 5 days. The headaches are starting to hit me and I constantly feel sick but I need to do this
I can not imagine not being able to play with my son because i am to fat or to tired. Even more so, every time
something happens in my family I have to be the tough one. I have to be the one everyone leans to and when i Show
emotion people get mad at me because I havent kept myself together. This may just seem like a lot of rambling but
I have to get it out as part of learning to deal with everything. I work in EMS and I have seen more death that I
have ever thought I would have. Every time I sit there thumping on someone chests I look into their eyes in which I
do not know if they see me or they see nothing. I think about their family, their wife/husband, children, etc..
In March of 2010 I was 190-200 pounds in the best shape of my life everything seem to be going right and then I hurt
my shoulder and had to have surgery. By the time I was done with the recovery from the surgery I was up to 220 pounds
but again I was able to start working out and dropped back to 210. I stayed strong at 210 for awhile till July 2012,
I had gone of for Military Training for a month. Four days into the training my exgf of over 2 years sent me a text
saying that she was leaving me and that she will have all her stuff moved out of the apartment. I could not believe
what had happened and instantly went into a deep depression but of course I could not tell anyone because I had to be strong.
I got home at the end of July to find my clothes thrown into a pile on the floor and nothing left in my apartment. She had
even took my hamster. I had to move back into my father's house who I have not had a good relationship with in well over 3 years.
I was driving 55 minutes to a job barely making the money to cover the cost of gas. I was living in a cloud, barely able to wake
up in the morning and barely able to make it through work without just walking out. I was doing things I did not approve of
just because I wanted to feel close to someone but it just felt meaningless and mindless. That when I started talking to this woman
at my work, she was not the most gorgeous woman in the world or so all those magazines would say, but she had a smile that melted
my heart but every time I tried to talk to her she would run away. I did not give up though because I wanted to get to know her, but
of course there were complications. In September I lost my grandfather and my cousin within two weeks of each other and again I was
pushed even father into depression. I could not control myself anymore I ate constantly, whether it was fast food or whatever, I
just could not stop. In October of 2012 I was up to 260 and I did not even care. I did not care about myself, I did not care about others,
I had thoughts that I had never had before which made ever day hard to breath till October 14. I had gone up to Maine for a family gathering
for the first time in 4 years. I was happy to see everyone but it was still hard because everyone kept asking me about my cousin and grandfather.
I did not want to talk about it but was forced to. I had been talking even more to the woman I worked with which made stuff slightly better
but it did not help completely. That morning I got a text from her saying that she had just gotten into a fight with family and she needed to get
away so not thinking I invited her to Maine and in a single moment my whole life turned upside down for the better. She drove up that day, we spent the
weekend up all night, walking the beach, staring at stars and laughing with my family. Everything was turning around and
I could not be any happier. We were always together giggling and laughing and I was finally feeling better, but like always something has to happen.
March 2013, My girlfriend(the one I worked with) and I went out to Las Vegas it was the most amazing experience ever. I enjoyed ever minute of it. We went
out to the desert, clubs and drove the strip was amazing. The third day there she woke up and told me she was not feeling very good. She kept making little
comments like her boobs hurt, her shirt was really tight and she was really nausea. When we got home she took a pregnancy test and now a whole new part of my life was starting. I was scared and excited at the same time, but I was going to be the best father/boyfriend i can. Unfortunately, her cravings started to kick in. Fast food, cookies, candies, ice cream and I could not just let her eat it alone right? November 6, 2013 My son was born. At the same time I was up to 275 pounds and I could not believe it. Working 6 12 hour shifts a week, not eating right, not working out it was all adding up. I had to keep getting new uniforms at work, people were constanly making fun of my weight, and I was constantly feeling like crap. Now that I am 24 years old I am 285 pounds. I have gained almost 100 pounds since I was 20. This is not ok, I will change this.
Currently I am on a 1000-1300 Calorie a Day Diet. I have gone a week so far on this and I am already feeling better.
I am only checking my weight at the end of each month. I am posting my story to this website for one of two reasons. First, this is tough but with support and hints/tips from the people on this site I hope that I can change my life for the better. Second, I needed to get this off my chest. I need to come to realization of what has happen. Learn from it and move on from it.
My Goal is to go from Size 44 pants to Size 32. I refuse to pick a weight or a BMI because one you get there you get comfortable and you start to gain weight again.
If you read all of this mess thank you. I know it could not have been easy as it was mostly a rant but it has helped me get stuff off my chest and feel even that much
better about myself. Thanks again.
I plan to write updates every 2-4 weeks.
