Paroxysm - Back Again

Paroxysm1

Paroxysm1

New member
Paroxysm -- Back for the final time

Alright, so... I'm starting a new Diary entirely. I had one already before, but-- oh well. I've been back and forth on this site since November of 06, and I still haven't lost a thing because I keep quitting. I'm getting pretty frustrated with myself.

I posted in The Harsh Truth with a topic about me having an eating disorder, etc. Well, I'm going to deal with it. Throwing up certain foods is really irritating anyway.

People (such as friends, family, classmates, teachers, etc) keep telling me that I look like I've lost weight in the past year or two, and there are times when I look at myself and feel like I have lost some weight, but there are times when I look at myself and feel like I've only gotten bigger.

Our scale doesn't exactly work, so I have no idea, but I'm assuming that I'm about 240 lbs still. I'm 5'3 and 16 years of age.

My BMI is currently: 42.50. (Obese.)
My big goal for weight loss is 180 lbs. Once I get there, my BMI will be: 31.80.
(Still obese but closer to being just overweight.)
After that, I'm headed toward 145 lbs, where my BMI will be: 25.60 (In the normal range.)

The other day I did 130 sit-ups, starting with 10 at a time; then moving on to 20 at a time. I was watching TV, and it wasn't too difficult. I was also walking / jogging in place / around the lower portion of the house for somewhere between 10 and 30 minutes. I did lunges around the lower portion of the house. I took a walk around the perimeter of my back yard (it's pretty big, not sure how big)-- which was 8 laps around. I jumped on the trampoline. I walked around my subdivision once and then walked to the little park at the entrance to my subdivision.

That was a good day. I just can't seem the motivation to do it again.

I'm trying to drink only water (with the occasional Fresca) and to eat lots of smaller portions throughout the day. Yesterday, some really crummy stuff happened, but my parents took us out to an all-you-can-eat buffet and I pigged out pretty big.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be logging everything that I eat; I'm going to log all of my exercise as well. Yesterday was my last day of school until August. My plan is mostly to just get out of the house / off of the computer, but it's difficult.

Wish me luck?
 
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Okay, so... I lied about the sit-ups / stairs thing.
Every time I say I'm about to go do something, I never do it, so from now on, I think I'm just going to see what I actually do do and THEN post about it later.

I went from 1:44 to 2:06, walking / jogging the perimeter of my backyard. Then I got tired and sat down and stretched... then got back up and started at 2:08 and went until 2:20. Our backyard isn't level; it has inclines, and I would go between walking and jogging up the inclines-- and I would get bored and just walk / jog the circumference of my trampoline. I've found that when I walk in a CIRCLE, I get caught in a kind of motion that makes it easier for me to continue walking. I've also found that if I don't tell myself over and over not to look at the time on my cell phone, I will look at the time, and then once I look at the time, I get tired of walking and just stop.

12 minutes; stretch break; 12 minutes.
Total: 24 minutes.

HOPEFULLY, I will take another walk later in the day.
 
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Woo. Just got back from another walk.
Went from 8:04 to 8:25.
This walk was easier. I didn't take a break. 21 minutes of non-stop walking / jogging. I focused mostly on jogging up the steepest incline in our yard.
There were dogs barking like crazy, but I just blocked them out. I also refused to look at my clock. The time seemed to fly. I thought I had surely only been out there about 10 minutes when I looked, and I was gladly surprised to see that 20 minutes had elapsed.

Total time for walking today: 45 minutes.

I have also currently done a total of 200 crunches today.
My goal is, as you can see in my ticker, to be at 1500 crunches in a week. It's about 200 crunches a day. Seems managable.
What I do is (usually) sets of 20, sometimes 10, at a time, at various times throughout the day.
Mainly, I will do 20, stop, get up and do something, then go do 20 more, etc.

Earlier, I felt like I had eaten way too much for the day... but then I sat down and thought about what I'd eaten, and it doesn't seem like TOO, TOO much-- but none of it was healthy. I've had... 3 slices of pizza, a hamburger patty with a bun, some fries, this chocolate peanut butter thing that was like 230 calories, and a peice of one of those large, rainbow, swirly lollipops. I made the hamburger patty and the bun spread out for a few hours. I'd eat a little bit of it, set it aside, eat a little bit of it, set it aside... yeah. I really feel bad for eating those THREE slices of pizza, though.

I want to talk to my parents about buying fruit and those low-fat Jello cups and maybe sugar-free popsicles? That way I can wake up, eat a piece of fruit, snack on the Jello / popsicles at a couple of times during the day, and eat a couple of smaller meals.

I feel really good right now, actually. I need some water. :)

My plan is to go for a walk -- around my subdivision -- at 6 in the morning.
Not sure if I'll be able to wake up, though. Heh. We'll see.
I'm in desperate need of a shower.
 
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Hey Paroxysm! You can do it this time! I know you can!

200 crunches is great! Keep up the great work! And I know what you mean about going in circles. (or an oval track) I get into a rhythm and find myself going a lot farther than I ever thought I could.

Keep up the good work! And have a great weekend!
 
Thanks so much! Yeah, I never imagined I'd be doing 200 crunches a day.
Granted, they're not consecutive, so they might not have the same effect, but it's still something.
Maybe I'll be able to work up to 30 at a time, then 40, and so forth. I'm not sure yet.

I have made the decision not to allow myself to eat in front of the computer or television anymore.

I just looked in my closet and found some old pants that-- at one point-- I did not fit into.

My inventory of pants now again includes:
` Size 21 flares
` Size 20 Zana-di jeans -- that are this faded green color
` My neutral color camo cargo pants -- they're male, and I have no idea what size they are because I can't find anything on the tag -- I haven't been able to fit into these since 8th grade! They were tight then! (I need to sew up this little patch in the back.)
` Size 22 pale green jeans that run REALLY small
` Size 22 dark blue jeans that also run small
` Two pairs of size 2x gym pants
` These male cargo pants that I think are about a size 20 in women
` Two pairs of size 20 cotton jeans (need buttons)
` These black and white checkered pants that used to belong to my aunt; unsure of the size
` These size 22 tan slacks (needs a button)
` These really stretchy brown pants that are size 22/24 -- EXTREMELY loose

There's this one pair of black size 20 jeans that I can fit into and want to wear desperately, but the zipper is torn. =[

-- Some of these make my stomach bulge out a bit when standing and a LOT when I sit down.
I have other four pairs of pants that I can FIT INTO but make either my butt or my stomach bulge out HORRIBLY when STANDING. My goal is to be able to fit into these without bulge.
I would really love to get down to a size 16/18 in jeans.
-- I suppose that I'm just going to continue wearing the loose shirts I have been wearing, to cover up the bit of bulge, for a while?
-- I have this pair of 34x34 male pants (I'm assuming size 14 in women?) that I can't even get past my upper thigh. Heh. Maybe someday? These pants might actually be my cousin's.
-- And I think that I've just discovered that I've been wearing the wrong bra size. I have been wearing a D cup and should probably be wearing a C. I need to buy some new bra's.
-- I've uncovered a few shirts that I had tossed aside because I thought they made me look too bulgey... but I suppose I will wear them now.
 
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200 crunches during the day is good. It's ok if you can't do them all at once now, but you'll be able to do it soon. Going through your closet sounds like a good idea to me. I need to do that! :D Keep up the great work! You can do this!
 
Yeah, except the crunches are starting to hurt my back / tailbone. Ow.
I did about 100 crunches today. They pretty much killed me.

I just went for a 6 minute walk / jog. I stopped short because:
1) My shoes were slipping off. I tried wearing my old running shoes. They're comfy, but apparently they're too slippery!
2) Stupid dogs started barking. I hate dogs. Aghhh.

I'm going to try seeing how many times I can walk / jog up and down my staircase in a bit.

I attempted a little bit of yoga-ish type things earlier, to the best of my ability:


And I tried doing these sitting exercises with my 5 lb weights, varying between reps of 7 and reps of 20:


I also just BOLTED for the phone because my uncle, who is my legal guardian, was calling (parents were out of town last night), and he wanted measurements of the TV... so then I ran from the kitchen to the living room to the foyer to the den to the dining room, looking in the entry table, on the couches, in drawers, in the island counter in the kitchen, in this closet near the entrance, above the refridgerator (which I had to jump to see since I'm so short), and then FINALLY found the measuring tape in the garage, buried beneath a bunch of crud in a cart.
Then it took me a whole of 30 seconds to measure the TV. Ha.

I might attempt to take another walk again later, wearing the shoes I normally wear.

So far today, I've eaten two slices of pizza. Eh...

Edit: I just walked / jogged up and down my staircase 10-12 times?
Gets me outta breath and makes my legs sore. I'm going to be doing it continually, of and on, like I do the crunches.

And I also had a bag of Sun Chips (140 calories).
 
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So instead of taking a walk in my backyard where dogs would probably bark at me, I opted to walk / jog around downstairs.
Went from 3:38 to 3:54 -- 16 minutes. Plus the previous 6 minutes is 22 minutes so far today.

After I finished, I stretched, attempted some of the yoga stuff to the best of my ability, and did 20 crunches. That's 120 crunches so far today.

I just did some more sitting reps with my 5 lb weights.

Whenever I'm sitting at my desk, I at least try to keep my legs MOVING... I have RLS pretty much anyway, so it's pretty simple.

Edit: Just ate a Wendy's crispy chicken sandwich (380 calories according to the website) along with about 6 Wendy's fries...

The Pizza Hut stuffed crust pepperoni pizza was a little less than 500 calories each, and I had two... so... today, I've had... at least 1580 calories. I'm pretty sure it's not any higher than 1800.

My BMR is supposedly a little over 1900-- and that's without adding the activity, so I think I'm doing pretty good.
 
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Hullo Precious; welcome to your diary and a renewed effort at eating healthy and exercise. I read your first post with great interest.

16 years old means you are not always in control of what type of groceries you have in the house. You posted something about wanting fruit in the house. So my hat's off to you for caring about your health in your environment. Eating healthy took years for me to learn. And I still struggle with binge-ing on the sin foods. So give yourself the time it takes to learn about nutrition.

Are you still in high school? Do you have a nutritionist at your school that you can sit down with and make a meal plan? It might be good to share with someone in your real world (versus solely the cyber world) what you are eating every day. A lot of fast food. I don't think I even knew what protein was when I was 16. But you know fruits and vegetables are good for you, so start adding them to your diet, bit by bit.

For your age, height, weight and activity level, you need approximately 2700 calories per day. If you reduce by 500 calories and exercise 500 calories worth, you are putting yourself in a 1000/day deficit which is 2 pounds per week weight loss. (3500 calorie reduction = one pound lost) Or you can go for one pound per week. You'll likely lose more the first two weeks and then taper off to 1-2 pounds per week weight loss.

But you know you can't do this without a plan. That's the piece I think is missing for you and I really want to see you succeed. If you can't find a nutritionist through school, how about your local hospital or health clinic? If you were to ask a guidance counselor at school, they might steer you to a nutritionist. Another thing you can do is start reading books about nutrition and weight loss, always remembering, this is about practise, not perfection. Make that your mantra and do not judge yourself harshly.

It makes me sad that so many kids are growing up without the knowledge they need to eat healthy. I'm super glad you started a new diary and hope you will find all the support in your real and cyber life, that you so richly deserve.
 
I asked my uncle about seeing a nutritionist once, last year, when I was in a Physical Fitness class at school.
He said I didn't need one.

It's like how I want to / need to / am now being forced to (by the school) see a therapist. My parents are like, "Medication and therapy isn't like waving a magic wand," etc. I know that. But they're tools for help, and I feel like I probably need them or I'm going to end up screwing myself up.

Yeah, I have NO control over the groceries / food we buy.
Yeah, we eat a LOT of fast food.

I know what I need to eat to be healthy, but I can't obtain it.
No money. No transportation to get to the store.

In order for me to get the stuff I need to be healthy, I'd have to make my entire family change their diet-- but my parents are both kinda big and won't likely give up their precious food. My younger cousin is smaller than me but is pretty much addicted to chocolates and sweets.

I could give it all up, I think, if only it weren't the only option and weren't constantly in front of me.

Eating 2200 calories a day will lead to weight loss? Really? Hm.

But the thing is... I don't know exactly how much I'm burning through exercise.

-- And I just ate about half of another Wendy's chicken sandwich, which is about 190 calories... which means I've had about 1800-2000 calories today, probably.

Edit: I just took a fifteen minute walk around my subdivision. Just walking this time; no jogging. I hate jogging at the risk of someone seeing me. I'm too self-conscious.

But uh... total walking today has been: 37 minutes. Eh.
Gotta do more crunches.
 
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Paroxysm said:
I asked my uncle about seeing a nutritionist once, last year, when I was in a Physical Fitness class at school.
He said I didn't need one.
What do you think?
It's like how I want to / need to / am now being forced to (by the school) see a therapist. My parents are like, "Medication and therapy isn't like waving a magic wand," etc. I know that. But they're tools for help, and I feel like I probably need them or I'm going to end up screwing myself up.
Then make sure to insist you get these tools. Stand up for what you believe.
Yeah, I have NO control over the groceries / food we buy.
Yeah, we eat a LOT of fast food.
I know what I need to eat to be healthy, but I can't obtain it.
No money. No transportation to get to the store.
In order for me to get the stuff I need to be healthy, I'd have to make my entire family change their diet-- but my parents are both kinda big and won't likely give up their precious food. My younger cousin is smaller than me but is pretty much addicted to chocolates and sweets.
I could give it all up, I think, if only it weren't the only option and weren't constantly in front of me.
I think this is your biggest challenge and that's why I think hooking up with a nutritionist is a super good idea...you need someone in your corner, so to speak. Would you believe my sister-in-law moved out at the age 15? She lived in an apartment, had a part time job, and finished high school. Today she runs marathons and has black belt in karate.
Eating 2200 calories a day will lead to weight loss? Really? Hm.
If you are at 240 pounds, you shouldn't reduce your calorie intake drastically, just choose healthy foods over junk foods. is a good website for you to calculate how much to reduce by.
But the thing is... I don't know exactly how much I'm burning through exercise.
There's all sorts of calculators on the internet that tell you how many calories you burn with different exercises, including walking.
-- And I just ate about half of another Wendy's chicken sandwich, which is about 190 calories... which means I've had about 1800-2000 calories today, probably.
Edit: I just took a fifteen minute walk around my subdivision. Just walking this time; no jogging. I hate jogging at the risk of someone seeing me. I'm too self-conscious.
But uh... total walking today has been: 37 minutes. Eh.
Gotta do more crunches.
Click to expand...
Denial over food is something that runs in your entire family. So for you to break out of your own denial is going to be that much more of a challenge. I just learned from my 19 year old son that actress Jessica Alba, comes from an entire family of obese people. At some point, she decided she would make her own decisions. You are not alone. Most of us on this website have suffered from denial about over-eating or eating junk. That's why we became overweight in the first place. So it's absolutely GREAT that you want to face this area of your life. And if I, or anyone else here, can offer you any type of support, I'd be honored.
 
I can't choose healthy food.
I can't get a nutritionist.
I can't do anything.

Unless my parents help me.

I am pretty depressed right now and felt like binging and throwing up... but my cousin pretty much yelled at me for thinking about it, so I just got a semi-decent sized bowl of Frosted Flakes mixed with Honey Nut Cheerios and very little milk, since there was very little milk left anyway, and am going to eat that and not throw it up.

I was thinking about hurting myself badly so I could go to long-term, but I don't want to do that. I don't know what's wrong with me. Eh.

I really need to lose weight, though.
 
Paroxysm said:
I can't choose healthy food.
I can't get a nutritionist.
I can't do anything.

Unless my parents help me.

I am pretty depressed right now and felt like binging and throwing up... but my cousin pretty much yelled at me for thinking about it, so I just got a semi-decent sized bowl of Frosted Flakes mixed with Honey Nut Cheerios and very little milk, since there was very little milk left anyway, and am going to eat that and not throw it up.

I was thinking about hurting myself badly so I could go to long-term, but I don't want to do that. I don't know what's wrong with me. Eh.

I really need to lose weight, though.
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Awww, I'm sorry Paroxysm. It sounds as though you have some overwhelming feelings of helplessness. And that always makes a person feel depressed. I hope you will let a therapist help you deal with things. Maybe there are other things to deal with before losing weight. Sometimes if we deal with things one-at-a-time, things don't seem so overwhelming and we can deal with stuff if we break it into manageable pieces. :hug2:
 
I need to handle everything now or it won't get handled at all.

I haven't exercised at all today because I was waiting for my ex-girlfriend to come over to return a book of mine, and I didn't want to look crappy.

I've had three tacquitos today. 380 calories.

I'm going to go see how many times I can run up and down the stairs, and I'm going to do some crunches -- and reps with my 5 lb weights, sitting. I didn't do all 200 crunches yesterday. Eh.
(Done 75 crunches so far.)

I am promising myself to take a 45 minute walk / jog around my downstairs-- sometime later tonight, when nobody is downstairs. (I'm so insecure. Agh.)
 
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It's ok to be insecure. You're doing something to change your life, and that's what counts. It doesn't matter if you do it inside your own home, or at the gym. You are changing your life for the better, and soon you'll be able to go out and show the world that you are doing it. Keep your chin up. We're all here to support you.
 
Thank you so much, Xorie.

Yeah, I think that once I lose some weight, I'll be able to go outside and take walks / jogs without being ashamed.
 
I used to be like that. And to a point, I still am. I hate running on the treadmill when there are other people around. I wear long basketball shorts to cover my legs, and big teeshirts to cover my jiggly belly. :)
 
Our internet died yesterday afternoon.
So my cousin and I walked to the park in our neighborhood. I read for awhile-- through chapter four of my favorite book which I'm re-reading (the book that my ex returned yesterday). And then we drew with chalk. We made this really long, lame hopscotch thing which a pre-schooler could've drawn better... and did it a few times. I walked around the little circle thing... ran up a slide... skipped. Yeah. I skip a lot.

We went out for Mexican last night.
I only ate half of my shrimp quesadilla, but I had a crapload of chips, salsa, and cheese-- but I still don't think I had as many chips as I would've normally. And I only had those three tacquitos and nothing else previously in the day, so I don't think I did so awfully. I am working on it! Baby steps, baby steps...
After I got finished eating, I pursuayed my cousin to come walking with me around the strip... we got a pretty decent distance... Then, when we got home, we took a walk around our subdivision from 8:30 to 9:02 (32 minutes). We did two laps and then went down and back up this rather steep hill. We also stopped briefly to be sprinkled by someone's sprinkler that was in their lawn. Heh. Didn't get soaked or anything... but yeah.

My "suicidal evaluation" thing is today, and I'm nervous.
Things will work out for the best, I am hoping.

Also, I did 105 more crunches over the span of yesterday, and adding the ones I did previous in the day, that makes 180 overall for yesterday.

I finished the rest of my Mexican really late last night at like 2 AM because I couldn't sleep.
Too upset.

I did something I might not should have done.

Wish me luck with the evaluation today... I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. But if I don't post for a while, it is safe to assume that I've been placed in some kind of an institution. I'm not sure yet.
 
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My "suicidal evaluation" thing is today, and I'm nervous.
Things will work out for the best, I am hoping.
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Good luck today - just please remember there are people out there who do want to help you -and can only do that if you let them... Please be honest about what you're feeling... and what's going on in your head... it'll be the first steps towards making you healthy from the inside out...

Good luck and good thoughts with you..
 
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