San2
Mod
So, here I go again. I spent the last year successfully ruining everything I achieved before. I am back to 350 lbs, and I would kick myself in the arse for it, if I could get my feet that high.
I've done it before. I know what I did wrong. I know why the weight has come back. There are no excuses, which I think is a good thing. There is no way I can pretend that having a diet consisting of chocolate and full sugar pop wouldn't make me gain weight.
Yes, there are a few issues that have played their part. I was diagnosed with clinical depression last year, and the medication that was supposed to help made it even worse. I couldn't deal with talking to the therapist because she annoyed the crap out of me, and what she was doing seemed entirely pointless to me. I've got a disabled stepchild that's driving me nuts, don't know how to pay the heating and electricity bills, and a husband who doesn't give a shit, a mother in law who thinks that I am her personal slave, and she wants to teach me about 'breathing right and relaxing'. Fuck that. I don't have time to relax.
So, I ended up ditching the pills, and looking for my own answers. With the help of the internet and the library, I managed to get a grip on things. It's still not great, I still have days when I am down, but they are the exception now, not the rule.
I also got a job. I'm volunteering at a charity shop, and even though it is a lot more stressful and physically taxing than I thought, I enjoy it. I get out of the house, meet people, talk to them. I've formed friendships with my co-workers (and my two bosses), and it's nice. More importantly, I get feedback about my work. I'm being told that I do stuff well, which is something that was entirely missing from my life so far. We recently had a lot of big changes in the shop, with new managers coming in, and they were just thrown in, no training or anything. A lot of the other volunteers left because they didn't like the change, but I thought it wasn't fair that the two newbies would be left on their own. So I stuck around, tried to help, told them what was where and how we used to do things, stuff like that. When Christmas time came around, I got a card from them, thanking me for sticking around, and saying that without having me around, things would have been a lot more difficult for them. And I know they meant it as well, it wasn't just something they said to be nice. It was a good feeling, some feedback, somebody telling me 'Hey, well done'. I needed that more than I was willing to admit to myself.
Physically, things have gone downhill. I've been diagnosed with arthritis. It started in my left foot and ankle, but is now progressing to my knee and hip. I've got a family history of arthritis and rheumatism, so it's not really surprising. The painkillers do nothing, and most nights I don't sleep much due to the pain. My back isn't getting any better either, which isn't helped by all that weight I put back on - one more reason to get rid of it again. It'll never be okay, but losing weight will at least help with pain management I guess. That's what they call it today - pain management. It translates into 'We can't help you, here's some painkillers, now fuck off!'.
My GP has suggested a new program called 'Choose to Change'. It's financed by the NHS (meaning, it's free for me), and is aimed at people with a BMI over 40. I'm totally sceptical about it, starting with the fact that they go by BMI, but I'll give it a go. Took me almost two weeks to get in touch with them, then another two to get an appointment. Woman on the phone asked me if I was willing to dedicate 'a lot of time and effort' in the next six months to achieve my goal. I was like 'I'm willing to dedicate as much time as I have, and I won't be able to reach my goal in six months'. She said 'That's not a good way of looking at it' and I was like 'That's not attitude. You did hear the part where I told you that I'm 350 lbs, right?' All she said was 'We'll see when you get here', before rambling on about group sessions. That's another thing - I don't do groups. If I wanted to sit in a group, I'd go to Weight Watchers.
In any case, my first appointment is on the 18th, and then I'll take it from there. My guess is that they will give out diet plans with extremely low calories, tell people to exercise, and set completely unrealistic goals. But hey, I might just be wrong, who knows?
Well, that's it for now....looks like 'War and Peace'. I shall update (hopefully more regularly than in the past), as and when things happen.
I've done it before. I know what I did wrong. I know why the weight has come back. There are no excuses, which I think is a good thing. There is no way I can pretend that having a diet consisting of chocolate and full sugar pop wouldn't make me gain weight.
Yes, there are a few issues that have played their part. I was diagnosed with clinical depression last year, and the medication that was supposed to help made it even worse. I couldn't deal with talking to the therapist because she annoyed the crap out of me, and what she was doing seemed entirely pointless to me. I've got a disabled stepchild that's driving me nuts, don't know how to pay the heating and electricity bills, and a husband who doesn't give a shit, a mother in law who thinks that I am her personal slave, and she wants to teach me about 'breathing right and relaxing'. Fuck that. I don't have time to relax.
So, I ended up ditching the pills, and looking for my own answers. With the help of the internet and the library, I managed to get a grip on things. It's still not great, I still have days when I am down, but they are the exception now, not the rule.
I also got a job. I'm volunteering at a charity shop, and even though it is a lot more stressful and physically taxing than I thought, I enjoy it. I get out of the house, meet people, talk to them. I've formed friendships with my co-workers (and my two bosses), and it's nice. More importantly, I get feedback about my work. I'm being told that I do stuff well, which is something that was entirely missing from my life so far. We recently had a lot of big changes in the shop, with new managers coming in, and they were just thrown in, no training or anything. A lot of the other volunteers left because they didn't like the change, but I thought it wasn't fair that the two newbies would be left on their own. So I stuck around, tried to help, told them what was where and how we used to do things, stuff like that. When Christmas time came around, I got a card from them, thanking me for sticking around, and saying that without having me around, things would have been a lot more difficult for them. And I know they meant it as well, it wasn't just something they said to be nice. It was a good feeling, some feedback, somebody telling me 'Hey, well done'. I needed that more than I was willing to admit to myself.
Physically, things have gone downhill. I've been diagnosed with arthritis. It started in my left foot and ankle, but is now progressing to my knee and hip. I've got a family history of arthritis and rheumatism, so it's not really surprising. The painkillers do nothing, and most nights I don't sleep much due to the pain. My back isn't getting any better either, which isn't helped by all that weight I put back on - one more reason to get rid of it again. It'll never be okay, but losing weight will at least help with pain management I guess. That's what they call it today - pain management. It translates into 'We can't help you, here's some painkillers, now fuck off!'.
My GP has suggested a new program called 'Choose to Change'. It's financed by the NHS (meaning, it's free for me), and is aimed at people with a BMI over 40. I'm totally sceptical about it, starting with the fact that they go by BMI, but I'll give it a go. Took me almost two weeks to get in touch with them, then another two to get an appointment. Woman on the phone asked me if I was willing to dedicate 'a lot of time and effort' in the next six months to achieve my goal. I was like 'I'm willing to dedicate as much time as I have, and I won't be able to reach my goal in six months'. She said 'That's not a good way of looking at it' and I was like 'That's not attitude. You did hear the part where I told you that I'm 350 lbs, right?' All she said was 'We'll see when you get here', before rambling on about group sessions. That's another thing - I don't do groups. If I wanted to sit in a group, I'd go to Weight Watchers.
In any case, my first appointment is on the 18th, and then I'll take it from there. My guess is that they will give out diet plans with extremely low calories, tell people to exercise, and set completely unrealistic goals. But hey, I might just be wrong, who knows?
Well, that's it for now....looks like 'War and Peace'. I shall update (hopefully more regularly than in the past), as and when things happen.
