sillygirl
New member
This is really hard but I know my best friend ( Emmmcookies ) is right and that this is good for me. I don't want to be one of those messed up people who never deals with their stuff.
So where do my weight issues come from? I'm sure there are a million sources, but the main one is pretty obvious. From the age of 11 to 16 I was in a dance company. Minimum 5 days a week, total commitment, the works. It was all I wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, the artistic director of the troupe was awful, like many dancers, gymnasts etc. I don't know where to start with all of the stuff she did. I remember being in 8th grade-ish and her weighing each of us and puuting our weight on the wall. Each week she would weigh us again and if the weight went up from the week previous she would write it it red marker so that everyone could see at a glance. I was 5'3" and 115 pounds of muscle. Things she said to me and/or others: "You aren't just obese for dancers. You're obese for people on the street.", "You're starting high school. What guy will want to go out with you like this?", people were taken out of pieces they'd worked on for months because they looked 'too fat' in the costumes, a girl who was 5'5" and under 100 poonds in her teens (not eating, obviously. Later hospitalized) told not to gain weight just not to lose any more. It goes on and on.
She was the person we most wanted approval from and we got told we were nothing unless we were a size 0. It is hard for me to talk about how I see myself now. I punish myself by eating because a part of me still believes that the biggest failure in life is to be fat. I know logically this isn't true but I have to fight my deepest feelings.
So that is my starting point. Tomorrow I will begin to diet, trying equally hard not to eat too little as eat too much.
So where do my weight issues come from? I'm sure there are a million sources, but the main one is pretty obvious. From the age of 11 to 16 I was in a dance company. Minimum 5 days a week, total commitment, the works. It was all I wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, the artistic director of the troupe was awful, like many dancers, gymnasts etc. I don't know where to start with all of the stuff she did. I remember being in 8th grade-ish and her weighing each of us and puuting our weight on the wall. Each week she would weigh us again and if the weight went up from the week previous she would write it it red marker so that everyone could see at a glance. I was 5'3" and 115 pounds of muscle. Things she said to me and/or others: "You aren't just obese for dancers. You're obese for people on the street.", "You're starting high school. What guy will want to go out with you like this?", people were taken out of pieces they'd worked on for months because they looked 'too fat' in the costumes, a girl who was 5'5" and under 100 poonds in her teens (not eating, obviously. Later hospitalized) told not to gain weight just not to lose any more. It goes on and on.
She was the person we most wanted approval from and we got told we were nothing unless we were a size 0. It is hard for me to talk about how I see myself now. I punish myself by eating because a part of me still believes that the biggest failure in life is to be fat. I know logically this isn't true but I have to fight my deepest feelings.
So that is my starting point. Tomorrow I will begin to diet, trying equally hard not to eat too little as eat too much.
