Obese Daughter

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xLibbyx

New member
I know this is not for me but I want to know if you guys can give me some much needed advice.
I'm basically very worried about my daughter’s weight, and I really don't know what to do. Some background info, I have one daughter named Sara and she's always been a chubby girl all her life. I really never worried about her weight and let her have w/e and everything she wanted, no matter how large. I know this wasn't smart but I didn't really know what to do but make my little girl happy.

As she grew older I realized she wasn't just chubby or pudgy anymore, but becoming quite fat for her age, especially around ages 8 and 9. I still hesitated, and continued to indulge in her horrible and large diet, which I now realize is my fault. This became the worst during her preteens, when early puberty caused her appetite to reach new heights, and of course I stupidly I continued to give her all and w/e foods she wanted.

Her weight naturally sky rocketed to the point where even I was taken back, and yet I still didn't do anything. Sara continued to gain and get bigger and bigger while I pretended nothing was wrong. I just kept telling myself that she's happy and that’s all that matters. Meanwhile her meals were becoming larger and she was continuously getting fatter, and I recently realized something needed to be done.

The reason why I am finally realizing this now is because last week Sara went to the doctors for a physical. She's 14 yrs old today and was weighed in as 302lbs. I was so shocked that I couldn't believe it. Yes I knew Sara was very overweight and she was getting bigger but in my mind I always thought of her as in the early 200lbs, and that’s why I hesitated. But seeing my baby girl being weighed in as over 300 at only 14 knocked me out of w/e denial I was in.

Now I truly see all the mistakes I've made over her life and desperately want to fix them. Since that visit I really see differently the way Sara eats and live. She eats huge meals (unbelievably I make them), doesn't exercise (I never made her), always snacks (I never made rules), and doesn't care at all about her weight (at the doctors she wasn't even listening). She’s become so overweight she’s three times as large as me and twice as large as most people on the street. I can’t even hold my baby girl anymore because I can’t get my arms around her, and it makes me want to cry. I realize most of these are my fault and she’s only going to get bigger if I don't take action. But I just don't know how to approach or follow up on the citation.

How can I start teaching about health and exercise when I never taught it b4? How can I make her see how bad it is to be her size? How can I enforce diet and exercise when she becomes sad about her weight? And lastly what else can she do to lose weight?

Please, I really need advice as I don't know what to do. I want her to be happy and healthy at the same time, but it looks impossible. She's become so fat now; I really need to get her healthy.

Pls reply, Libby.
 
you cannot make someone lose weight who does not want to, no matter what their age.

However as their parent, you can help make better choices. Don't have unhealthy snack foods in the house, yes she will probably still eat them elsewhere but at least make it harder at home. Make more nutritious meals at home, not "diet" foods aimed specifically at her, at her age she is not going to want tob e singled out, but more nutritious stuff for the entire family.

You cannot be the exercise police, and force her into exercise, otherwise it becomes a chore and something she HAS to do rather than WANTS to do... make exercise fun... go for walks with her and talk to her not at her - listen to her, encourage her to take up a sport, restrict television and video game hours for the entire family, that won't kill anyone... and sports could be ice skating lessons, roller skates, bike riding, it doesn't have to be an hour of jack la lane calasthenics.

Basically, don't nag her about it -that just makes it worse. Accept her as you beautiful daughter that you love and encourage healthier habits.

You might want to ask her how she feels about herself... Does she have friends? Does she have any hobbies? Boys that she likes? What does she want to do when she grows up?

I would also get her involved in meal preparation, so she can see what goes into a meal, including measuring... there are lots of kids cookbooks out there, one really nice one (that i bought for myself because it was fun - is called it's low fat cooking made fun... let her look thru the cookbook to find dinner ideas and let her help -- or take over dinner occassionally...

I can't stress enough that nagging her about her weight won't help, it's gotta be somethign she wants to do for herself... and maybe she is in denial about it, or maybe she is aware of it and doesn't know how to help herself, but you can help her by giving healthy choices... have fruit in the house...
 
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Lets see... this is prob bad news but it might be a little helpful. At age 19 I was 230 lbs. And since I was 15 all my mother did was nag me. Always making digs about my weigh.. how I was fat.. etc etc etc. Trust me.. did not help. I just got depressed, binged, and tried to erase her words from my mind.

Daughters don't like their mothers controlling their lives.. or telling them what to do. Is there anyone else more around her age who could be a dieting/exercise rolemodel for her? Thats what it took for me... I met this guy... who is acsually heavier than me.. and saw what he was doing.. and we talked.. and he was such a good rolemodel it empowered me to start my own road.

Anywho.. good luck :)
 
Its really hard for a 14 year old to take the "lose weight" discussion serious. I have been overweight mostly my whole life, I was only skinny from like birth till 6. My friends and brothers would always tell me to lose weight and that I would look so much better, but I just ignored them and ate what I wanted and wasted my time playing videogames and having fun with friends.

When I was in my teens I really never cared about people telling me to lose weight or calling me fat since I'am a guy and it doesnt bother us much I guess. My weight reached 350 and I knew I had to do somthing when I turned 22, I guess a light bulb just turned on. Anyways I realized now how much mistakes I made. My mother seems like you, she always wanted to make me happy even if it meant buying me junk food that I loved.

My point is I think you should talk to her and just start giving her healthy foods and stop cooking the junk food so much. Maybe give her the not so good food once a week on weekends and keep her calories at 1200 to 1500 a day.

Weight loss takes time like everyone on here will tell you, but get her started now and she will thank you down the road when shes older and more mature.

BTW if you can buy her a treadmill or if she does not mind going to the gym thats a good start. I lost about 95 pounds since September 2005 using a treadmill and lifting weights here and there. Also make sure she drinks lots of water its real good for weight loss.
 
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mostly everyones advice is really great.

My two cents, is about when your daughter is feeling bad about her weight... You feel guilty about that so you indulge her. Stop doing that. Sit down with her and hug her, tell her you love her. She special no matter what she weights. Find other ways to comfort her without the emotional eating. I'm betting (becuase this is true with me and my mom) is that she would far more grateful to have you and your love and attention than binging on food.

You have to help your daughter change her relationship with food anyway you can.

This is an oppertunity for you to build a better relationship with her and a chance for you to have your whole family make a positive lifestyle change so I wish you all the luck in the world.
 
Hi. I wonder if your daughter's weight is not just a symptom of deeper family issues that could be worked out in counseling. Often, one member of a family may exhibit a problem, but it is the family as a whole that really needs help.

It sounds like this might be true in your family's case, because at 14 years old, YOU are the one primarily responsible for your daughter's health and well-being. You are the adult, you make the purchasing decisions, the menu decisions, and set the tone regarding physical activity.

You say that you have been watching this happen most of her life, but did nothing to stop it. You say that you see the mistakes you have made, but have done nothing to correct them. I think that what you are really saying is that YOU need help in dealing with this problem, and that is where a professional could really make a difference. I am a mom, too, and I know that a lot of what we do is trial and error. What you have to realize now is that your daughter is in imminent danger, and that you may not have the skills or the resources to help her.

Please, seek help. You need to find out why you have been trying to make your little girl happy by essentially making her sick. As the adult - as the mom - it was and still is your responsibility to take care of your child, not to indulge her to the point of illness. Please, get help for yourself so you can help her - before it is too late.
 
Ty you guys for your advice, it means a lot. I will not nag her, and I will talk with her and see what we can do. I appreciate further advice, and will keep you updated on how things go. Ty all for your kindness.

Libby
 
Hi Libby,

I have been thinking about my own relationship with food and my Mom a lot recently. I want to caution you about thinking that she is not listening at the Dr's office. She is probably zoning out because she is so depressed about it, but she is hearing it all. I am 43yrs old and I remember an incident at the Dr's office when I was probably about a fifth grader. I remember the Dr. and my Mom whispering about checking my thyroid. It made me feel like a freak and it also scared me a bit. I felt like I had some horrible disease. I caution you to speak openly to her about it. Tell her how you think you failed her. Take responsibility for it. You are her parent after all. Be prepared for the teenager in her to come out, but I think if you admit your mistake and tell her how much you love her it will go a long way.

You also have to lead by example. Don't have ice cream in the house and not expect her to eat it. See if you can find an activity to do together. Maybe you can convince her to walk with you in the evenings or something. If she doesn't have any friends---this sounds really corny, but they do have fat camps that kids can go to. She might find some camaraderie in a place like that.

Good Luck.
 
Hi Libby!

Everyone has given such great advice on here!! Why pay people like Oprah and Dr. Phil when you can just come here!! :)

Anyway, I have a few other ideas... Maybe something you could try is to find her interest, or get her interested in a hobby. For example, Art/Drawing, Acting, Designing clothes (I know I LOVED doing that when I was 14!) Writing, writing poetry, or learning an instrument. Just recently I have picked up the bass guitar and now I think about that much more then I ever though about food! (Which was a lot!) And now when I'm not playing bass, I'm thinking about it, and listening to it!! That may help get her mind off of eating so much. Who knows, you may just call her to dinner one night and she won't want to come out because she's doing her hobby!

If she is interested in doing a diet, I would reccomend the Atkins diet. You see pretty good results the heavier you are! Plus, you can still eat foods with fats. Steak, Eggs, Chicken, Fish, Shrimp, Salad, Cheese etc. is what you can eat! And the best part of this diet is, the more you eat, the better! She can eat as much of anything with low carbs and it will help her. It certainly helped an ex-big eater like me!!

The last thing is- If your daughter really loves video games, you could purchase a game called DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) It has helped a lot of overweight teens lose a lot of weight, and it's pretty physical- Unlike just holding a joystick, you dance on a floor pad- Not to mention it's MADD FUN.

I hope you are able to help out your daughter as best as you can! Try not to feel bad about her weight. My parents think they are responsable for giving me horrible eating habits too sometimes, but I do not blame them at all. The best thing you can do is help and that's exactly what you are doing!

Take care,
-Nightporter-
 
I think everyone has given great advice. I especially agree with twinmom, unless she has a job and buys her own food, she can only eat what you have in the house.
I've been overweight for my whole life, like alot of others on here. I, can only speak from my experiences, but I think you have to change your whole family's eating habits, don't diet, diet's dont work. Also, don't nag her about her weight, she would know how big she is without constant reminders about it. I know when my parents tried to bring up the topic with me I'd just say whatever and walk away, and I guess like Sara, pretend I didn't care (even though I did). I constantly got from my grandma, loose your weight now, and my dad questioned everything I ate and it made me want to rebel more and food was the only way I knew how, it was my only escape.
I would definately take the focus off her weight and the number that shows up on the scales. Focus on eating healthy and making permanent changes to her, and your lifestyle.
And honestly, I think she'll be more grateful to you for giving her a healthly lifestyle than buying her the chocolate or icecream or the McDonalds she NEEDS for dinner. By your post I know you want what's best for your daughter, and I think you know what you have to do to provide this to her...

Good luck, and there are plenty of people on here that would be more than willing to help you or Sara, if you need to chat.
And remember, it's better later than never.
 
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