No more tomorrows, I start TODAY.

N

neveragain

New member
I’ve been thinking about starting a journal for a while now and now I’m finally motivated enough to do it.

So here's my story...
I’ve struggled with my weight since I was 11 years old, that’s when life started getting a bit too complicated for me, my (very) dysfunctional family started getting worse and my self-esteem issues grew by the day, school was no better and suddenly I realized that the only thing I could really count on was food. A few cookies, a piece of cake, some fries and I could just numb the pain – for a little while at least.

After that oh so lovely discovery I started gaining weight, slowly but steadily and as most overweight girls do (or every girl really) I began learning about diets and how to fail at every single one of them too.

I was at my heaviest when I was 15 or 16 - around 157 pounds, and I was only 5’2 (still am) so my self-esteem was pretty much nonexistent -. I told myself a million times that I was going to change my life, that enough was enough; tomorrow I was going to turn this around!!… But then again, maybe next Monday because, what’s the point in starting a diet in the middle of the week? But Monday would come, another excuse, another binge, another night crying myself to sleep.


Somehow though I managed to lose around 20 pounds but my binging never stopped, I’d be able to eat healthy for a day or two, sometimes even three and then I’d screw up, I’d have some popcorn or an ice cream while out with friends and that was it, I’d just think to myself, screw it I already ruined the whole day so I might as well eat as much as I can (I know, wtf was I thinking?!).
I literally ate everything I could get my hands on, I’d eat till I couldn’t breathe and afterwards I’d hate myself for it, I’d cry and just go to bed begging for the day to be over.


And now here I am, just trying to change all over again, trying to have a healthy relationship with food, trying to love myself and just do things the right way.

I’ve NEVER been able to go a whole week without binging, I’ve been “clean” for 5 days now :p and my last binge wasn’t as bad as they used to be but still, I know I need to find a way to deal with my problems outside of food so I’m hoping that this time I’m strong enough to achieve what I want.

Uff okay I’m done, I doubt anyone’s gonna read this long ass post but It felt good to write it so yay :)
 
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You have an amazing story and its a small but great achievement to go 5 days so far without binging!
Keep at it!! I'm keen to keep updated!
-hannah
 
Hey Hannah :) nice to meet you! Thanks for commenting :) I hope you're having a great day.


So today I went to the gym to get my fitness evaluation done and I gotta admit I was freaking scared, I was finally going to have to face the consequences of stuffing my face with junk food for the last 10 years...

The results were pretty bad, the guy measured my body fat % with a caliper and when I saw the numbers I couldn't freaking believe it. TWENTY FREAKING SEVEN PERCENT!:cuss::cuss::cuss: Holy crap! And to make things worse he only measured my arms, back and stomach which means that that percentage may be a lot higher since I carry most of my fat on my legs and arms.:ack2:

My weight was Ok, 122 pounds... But the amount of pounds of FAT I have to lose is just freaking insane..

If anyone reads this and has any advice on how to handle this % I'd be reaaaaaally glad to hear it.

Anyway me and my fat are gonna go have lunch now :p so bbl
 
I was told during my fitness assessment that I had 26% body fat and that was really good - he told me ideally it should be at 23% so I thought I was doing really good. Did the person taking your body fat say it was bad? I was also told I had like 112 lbs body mass & muscle and 40 lbs fat but he said that doesn't mean you have 40 pounds to lose - which would be impossible. I think it sounds good so I'm not sure why you think it is so bad - please explain.
 
Hi :) chubbygirl (lol would love to know your name, I feel weird calling you that haha) thanks for replying.

Anyway yeah the guy told me it was pretty bad, when I got on the scale he said that according to my weight (122lbs) and height(5'2) I should be around 21% but then he got the caliper out and he was like ooh this isn't very good.

He didn't measure my legs but I was kind of embarrassed to ask since he was a guy and all. I don't carry that much fat around my stomach area, it's mostly my legs (massive thighs) and arms so the % is probably even higher :S.
I'm thinking I'll keep track of my progress with the good old measuring tape though. I'll update with that info later.
 
Ok so end of day number 6 and NO binging YAY!!
Omg I'm so happy, I know it doesn't sound like much but this is the first time in hmm 10 FREAKING YEARS!

If I get through tomorrow it'll be a weeeeeek!! I'm really scared cos I'm meeting two friends for lunch but I'm gonna try to squeeze some exercise in the morning to keep me motivated.

I didn't work out a lot today, after the evaluation I was feeling kinda weird so I just decided to call it a day and come home. My arm's hurting a lot too, I did some weights yesterday but the trainer at the gym wanted me to do some today to show me my new routine so I think I overdid it, I rubbed some icyhot on it so hopefully i'll feel better tomorrow.

Night
 
It's official I haven't binged in exactly 7 DAYS!!!!!:hurray::party:

My first week without binging YAAAAAY! I'm really excited about it, I went out with my friends today and the temptations were so strong, we even went to McDonalds to get something to eat but I just decided to wait till i was home and had a yummy healthy dinner :)

Didn't go to the gym though :S my shoulder's been hurting A LOT since the last workout so I'm kinda worried about that but if I get at least 5 hours of sleep (wasn't able to lastnight x_x) I'll go to the gym in the morning and just stay off the weights.

If anyone's reading have a good night :)
 
It sounds like youre off to a fantastic start! Just remember its more of a marathon instead of a sprint! I was in your EXACT same shoes regarding the food situation though haha. It doesn't help that my roomates can scarf down whatever they can find and it won't make a difference to their shape. As for me, I've gotten used to, and quite comfortable with my staple healthy dinners. Trust me, it gets easier to drive past the fast food places the longer you keep up on the healthy lifestyle.

Hope the shoulder feels better! :x
 
Hi! Thanks for the comments, made my heart happy :) LOL

My shoulder feels a lottt better so YAY for that.

Went to the doctor the other day and he put me on antidepressants cos I've been feeling extremely anxious lately - mainly because of some family problems. It wouldn't really be an issue but because of that I haven't been able to sleep more than a few hours each night.
I've been taking the pills for 3 days now and they're already working, which is awesome, BUT now I'm sleepy all day!!

Yesterday I got 7 hours of sleep, then after lunch I napped for another 2 and in the afternoon another hour! After I woke up I went to the gym for a little and I had to fight to keep my eyes open, I was soooooo sleeeepy.
I'm hoping this won't last long, I wanna be able to sleep but this is a bit too much :p

The diet's going great, I went to a friend's house for lunch yesterday and she served spaghetti with meat sauce so I was just thinking NOOO WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!

What I used to do was just take that as an excuse to binge all day long but instead I just had a few fork-fulls of the spaghetti that didn't have any sauce, I logged it when I got home, I'm thinking that I had around half a cup so I put 220 cals plus 100 cals for oil and whatnot (they were pretty oily).

Didn't screw up my calories for the day and even went to the gym so that's a victory for me! I'm FINALLY doing this!! I'm changing :D :jump::jump::D:D
 
Nononono d;

Gah Ok so I've been doing okay today, really hungry though for some reason. I'm up to 1000 cals and I haven't had dinner yet so I'm hoping I won't go over.

I'm just cravinggggggggg some junk food, there's chocolate and desserts and pasta all over my house and I can't stop thinking about it I swear, it's the only thing in my mind right now but I'm trying really hard to control myself.

I'm just hoping I'll be able to pull through this and not go back to my old habits, because once I start eating something "bad" my mind just goes blank and I just eat and eat, I don't even think about it, it's like my will power disappears and I'm not able to control my actions.

:banghead::banghead::banghead: I hate feeling like this :(
 
Made it throughhhh yesterday :), I'm really happy about that, I was SO close to binging though, I had a chocolate bar in my hand for a few minutes but was able to put it down and just took a nap (pills still making me tired).

Didn't go to the gym today, I'm just being lazy :p, gotta clean my room though so I'll start doing that in a bit.
 
2 WEEKS WITHOUT BINGING!!

I can't freaking believe it!!! I'm sooo happy :D. I gotta admit it hasn't been easy, yesterday I was craving so much stuff, so I was up to like 1000 calories by 5pm.

I had 4 snacks that just made my cals go way up, 2 cereal bars and 2 diet flans (85 cals each). I didn't really binge though I was just craving something sweet but I didn't have all of that at once and I enjoyed eating it, I didn't just shove it down my throat like I usually do.

I went to the movies to watch New Moon! (Omg Jacob's abs are just so drool worthy, I'm glad he spent half the movie with his shirt off.. But he's 17 so I'll stop talking about this since I'd rather not go to jail). It was hard to resist all the yummy stuff but I did it, only bad thing is that I drank a lot of diet soda, but oh well.
Anyway I got home at like 11.30 had some sugar free jell-o with lots and lots of strawberries and kept my cals under control :) (That was my dinner btw, I was just too damn lazy to cook that late).

Now I'm gonna go to the gym, didn't go yesterday. My grandma bought some cheesecake D: damn that sweet old lady buying the things I love to eat the most! I'm gonna try to keep my mind off of it and just hope that it disappears soon :p


Weight's starting to come off slowly now, but i'm okay with it I just wish I saw an improvement when it comes to inches D: but I'll just have to give it time I guess.
 
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Measurements Nov. 18th

Left thigh (widest part): 22.04 inches
Right thigh (widest part): 22.63 inches
Waist(thinnest part, few inches above navel): 26.37 inches
Hips (widest part below navel, before butt): 32.67 inches
Left bicep: 10.59 inches
Right bicep: 10.7 inches
Butt: 38.1 inches
Chest:*sigh* I'm pretty flat so I'm not even measuring it, I'll get depressed if I start seeing the numbers go down :p
 
I JUST BINGED :( :( :(

Gah everything was going okay, I've been feeling really tired today but I managed to get up and decided to go to the gym. I usually ride my bike there cos I don't have a car. Well I get there and realize I forgot to bring the lock, so I'm like D: damn it. The gym's close to a supermarket so I ask a security guard if he can keep an eye on my bike for a few mins while i go buy a lock. Got to the supermarket and all the locks were way too expensive and I didn't have that much money on me so it just got me down, so I decided to buy some strawberries (strawberries with yogurt are my favourite new dessert) they didn't have any either... Got frozen strawberries and they tasted really bad :S. Afterwards I just didn't feel like riding my bike again to the gym...

I know all of that sounds really stupid cos that's what I'm thinking about it right now as I write it but it just got me down, and next thing you know I was in the kitchen eating a cereal bar and then another one and another and well you know the rest.

I'm gonna take responsability for this though, I just logged everything I ate and I'm up to almost 1800 cals :( plus I didn't work out so yeah... I hope I don't gain anything since weight-in for the challenge is on Friday.

Gah :( I'm so sad now
 
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Finally going to bed... I feel kind of weird, even though I binged it wasn't as bad as other times, I used to have thousands and thousands of calories before so I guess it's not that bad I'm just mad at myself for dealing with things like this.
I was also getting really close to 119 so I'm wondering why instead of being motivated by that I decided to do this instead. It's weird, whenver I'm doing really well I just freak out and screw up. I feel like I'm afraid to believe in myself sometimes...
Anyway, I'm out. If anyone's reading, have a good night
 
Starting to get discouraged... :(

So today started out okay, had a nice breakfast, then went to the gym and afterwards I went out to the mall to have lunch and watch a movie.
I wasn't able to stop thinking about food though. I'm just craving junk food so bad and not a little I wanna stuff my face with it and I don't even get why!!

So I ended up eating more stuff than I should have and it pisses me off. I went over my calories by 200 (so far) which isn't THAT bad but it just makes me mad that I ate when I knew I wasn't hungry, but I still wasn't able to control myself.

I'm starting to think maybe I won't be able to do this =/, I don't feel as strong anymore, I can't stop doubting myself and I just feel really alone :(
 
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Time to start all over again...

Ok so I just binged like crazy for the last 3 days... I gained all the weight I lost in the last few weeks, i'm back up to 128 pounds.

It was freaking insane, it all started Saturday. I went out with a friend and we were talking and suddenly he just tells me that he's worried about me not doing enough exercise, that maybe we should go swimming together or hiking or whatever... And i'm like WTF?! Just trying to figure out why he would say that out of nowhere. So I just try to relax and tease him by saying, Ha Thanks for calling me fat, love you too.

Then he gets all, nah I'm not calling you fat blah blah and then we get up ( we were sitting somewhere) and he goes, you just have really big hips and stuff.
And that just made me wanna kill myself, seriously... I just got in an awful mood after that, went home and lost it. I was thinner than I'd been in YEARS and this dude just goes ahead and tells me that, gahhhh... So the binging began, I had thousand of calories, fast food, everything.. Next day I woke up and just said to myself that I would deal with my emotions instead of numbing them with food but running to the fridge was a lotttt easier.
Monday, same thing, even went to applebees and had even more crap, mudslide included.
I wasn't even enjoying the food after a few bites, my stomach was so full, it hurt but I just needed to keep eating, needed to numb the pain.

I'm finally OK again, got this book called Shrink Yourself to help me deal with my emotional eating and hopefully I'll be able to do this again...
 
Don't get discouraged.

That guy is an idiot and if you know in yourself that you're doing your best, then you will see the results in time. Screw him!!!

You can still turn things around. You got through 2 weeks without bingeing! That is such a great starting achievement and you can only challenge yourself to go longer and longer.

Get a good sleep and it will all come together. You can do it! :hurray:

hannah
 
Hey!

Are you allowing any type of "junk food" into your diet? If you completely deprive yourself, you're bound to binge. If you just work in some foods that you crave into your daily calories, you won't have such strong or frequent cravings!

Don't give up, girl! You can do this :D
 
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