Well, while I never lost the fire or motivation, but we all know it can wane. Mine moves in waves BUT I have had a fire lit under me over the last 2 days.
My grandfather went into the hospital 2 days ago with a 105+ fever, trouble breathing, etc. We all know that pneumonia is an "old persons friend".
I haven't spoken or seen my grandfather in years almost 5 years if not a little longer. Him and I never saw eye to eye as I was growing up(he lived with us) and that made it hard. I went to see him the night he went into emergency. He has severe alzheimers, dementia, had multiple strokes, etc and I didn't know how much he would actually remember me. He also has severe diabetes, high blood pressure, and has had several "smaller" heart attacks.
His resting heart rate is currently about 130-145. That is terrifying.
At first he didn't recognize me. I expected it as it is the nature of the beast but until you have actually experienced the disease, experienced someone you have known since you were born not be able to recognize you by face....it just doesn't land at your doorstep. It doesn't hit home. He wanted to remember, his face was....unforgettable. I identified myself to jog his memory and luckily, he still has SOME long term memory. I imagine he remembers me as a kid as he seemed very confused. It's only been 5 years, but 5 years is an eternity to remember when you have minimal to no memory. He got very teary. He didn't talk much but my dad and I spent about 30 minutes just talking to him about all sorts of things. As we were wrapping up, he made a comment about being surprised people cared about him. I told him then and there, " While we may have never seen eye to eye, you will always be my grandpa". He tried to sit up to give me a hug. Obviously in his state, that is not really feasible. My dad and I asked him if he wanted us to adjust his bed and he wanted to sit up. The mattress on the bed had slid down so to sit him up, we had to slide him up about a foot. He currently weighs almost 350lbs and while we were able to move him as the 2 of us, it was VERY difficult.
I didn't realize how bad he actually was until the other night. While moving him I caught a glance at his legs and feet. Because of his circulation issues and diabetes, his legs and feet are dying. I have never seen anything like it and to be honest, don't really have words to describe them. At one point, the diabetes was manageable. He did nothing about it. He ate what he wanted, doctors are quacks, etc. It saddened me to not just see him in this state, but to know it was at one point preventable. My grandfather is 79 years old and due to life choices, the brain and body are prematurely failing. I don't even know if he will see his 80th birthday.
Seeing him like this and knowing how much was preventable for sure put a light under my rear. That wasn't the only thing though.
I was cutting my Dad's hair for him last night and we were just chatting about all sorts of stuff including my weight loss. I know he is proud of me and considering how I was as a teen, it means a lot to hear how proud he is. One comment in particular though during the conversation landed as a bullseye. It wasn't meant to be negative but it showed me a little of where my past defeatist attitude has come from. In talking I had mentioned something about looking forward to the day that I have pecs, not man boobs. His response was something like "Oh, this family will always have man boobs". That stuck. It was the gasoline to the spark that was lit by seeing my grandfather.
I am 233.1lbs now, down from 308.6. I started 269 days ago. I'm gonna kill it. These next ~25lbs to my -100lbs mark....they are already gone in my mind.
I think I finally found my real fire. When I look at what I have done with a smolder, it is both exciting and terrifying to see what I can do with a FIRE.
Today will be a day of self control for me. We have 3...count them 3 Thanksgiving dinners. I hit the gym HARD already this morning so I am enter my food coma day already at about 1000-1500 cal deficit. Not going to let the holidays set me back. I broke into the 220's the other day, ringing in at 228. LESS THAN 20 LBS TO MY 100LB LOSS MARK!
