NC's Diary for healing and recovery

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Nabby Chamchi

Nabby Chamchi

New member
Hello everyone! This is my first time joining ANY kind of forum so I'm actually very nervous about this move. I'm not sure where to start but here I go.

I am a 26 yrs old female, currently weighing 209 lbs/ 95 kg and my height is 5'2"/ 158cm. Since December 2016, my weight fluctuated from 165lbs to 209lbs. I drastically lost weight and then drastically gained weight from compulsive/ emotional eating. I have never weight this much in my life and I can't be like this anyone.

In October 2016, I was assaulted in my student residence and since then I have been diagnosed with PTSD which came with depression, anxiety etc. I am on wellbutrine 300mg, venlafaxine 225mg and trazondone 100mg. I want to blame my weight gain on the guy that assaulted me but it's not that simple and it was essentially me that ate compulsively and came to where I am now. The worst part of the weight gain is knowing that the asshole prefers bigger women and I feel like my body is becoming more and more like something he would want to hurt again. I hate myself for gaining weight, I am disgusted with my own body and it makes me feel worse and worse every single day. I have trouble going outside because I'm too scared. I am isolated in my own house because most of the time I can't leave my bed.

I need some help from you guys on where to start and how I can actually start my lifestyle change. I am DONE feeling so scared and I am DONE having my life be shaken so much by one person. I want to take control of my life again and I hope that can happen with a weight loss journey. I am not looking for drastic results rather something I can tackle and work with for the rest of my life.

-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight? 1-2 years and maintain it for a lifetime

-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)? exercise (running, strength training, yoga) and smaller portions and proper diet (some dietary restrictions: gluten free and cooked vegetables only)

-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal? Hopefully this forum and my friends who are supportive of me no matter what.

-- How much weight so you want to loose? 40kg/ 88lbs

Thanks!
NC
 
Hi Nabby and welcome to the diaries. I am so sorry to hear you went through such a traumatic event and I hope that with time you´ll be able to heal from it fully. Very glad you have supportive people around you; do you also have a counselor to talk to about the ways it´s influencing your life right now?
About the weight-loss part of things: your time frame sounds sensible and the "simple" goal of eating real food in smallish portions seems like a healthy long-term strategy.
Best of luck, LaMa.
 
LaMaria said:
Hi Nabby and welcome to the diaries. I am so sorry to hear you went through such a traumatic event and I hope that with time you´ll be able to heal from it fully. Very glad you have supportive people around you; do you also have a counselor to talk to about the ways it´s influencing your life right now?
About the weight-loss part of things: your time frame sounds sensible and the "simple" goal of eating real food in smallish portions seems like a healthy long-term strategy.
Best of luck, LaMa.
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Thank you so much for your kind words LaMa <3
 
Recap of yesterday's small wins:
  • Managed to walk 3.5km
  • Didn't eat compulsively at night!
Since I can only cope with small one new change at a time, I decided to commit to a walk everyday, even if it's 5 minutes. My counsellor suggested that I need to set aside one hour/day to feel sad. It sounds counterintuitive but I spend all of my waking hours trying to do better, feel better, get better that I never give myself a break from thinking anything other than my assault/PTSD/losses... One hour is shorter than the entire day. I would say the exact same thing to others but I can't seem to come up with these on my own. Unfortunately, counselling oneself isn't possible...

My day is starting with a small win! I am on WLF, making an entry into my diary and I have set aside this hour to feel sad. I know I can do this.

Have a great day everyone :)
NC
 
Hi, Nabby & welcome to the diary section of the WLF forum. At first reading about the assault & how it has made you feel, made me really angry, but that is so unhelpful & I decided to come back this morning (I'm in Australia). I re-read your 1st post & felt sad. I am so glad that you are receiving counselling. My first reaction to allowing 1 hour of sadness a day was the same as yours, but I can see the logic of it too.
I think it's really good that you are taking this slowly. Committing to a walk every day is good. Journalling is great therapy. I often change my plans and/or attitude while I'm typing in my diary.
I started a thread in the motivation section of the forum that you may want to have a look at some time. I have to work on my self-esteem all of the time & it helps me to do research for the thread. Often I was finding something for someone in particular, but without actually telling them. The link is https://weight-loss.fitness.com/threads/motivational-sayings-and-or-affirmations.33533/ I wish I could go back & delete a lot of them & edit some, but I can't.
I'm looking forward to seeing you go from strength to strength & following your journey. I'm glad you have joined us :)​
 
Recap from yesterday:

My one hour of sadness turned into a few hours of sadness. Emotions are difficult to turn off when the timer rings. I still managed to recover and be stable for the rest of the day. Starting my day off with hours of sadness is energy draining but it did help. I couldn't get outside for a walk but I managed to eat very reasonably portioned meals and didn't eat compulsively at night; ugh it only took a couple months. I figure, if I can do ONE thing per day that goes towards getting my health and loosing weight, it counts :D

My small wins include eating portioned meals and doing the timed sadness which will continue until the next time I see my counsellor. Today is another day and so far so good- I actually got out of bed at a reasonable time, took a SHOWER and I'm having an easier day accepting these as wins!
 
cate said:
Hi, Nabby & welcome to the diary section of the WLF forum. At first reading about the assault & how it has made you feel, made me really angry, but that is so unhelpful & I decided to come back this morning (I'm in Australia). I re-read your 1st post & felt sad. I am so glad that you are receiving counselling. My first reaction to allowing 1 hour of sadness a day was the same as yours, but I can see the logic of it too.
I think it's really good that you are taking this slowly. Committing to a walk every day is good. Journalling is great therapy. I often change my plans and/or attitude while I'm typing in my diary.
I started a thread in the motivation section of the forum that you may want to have a look at some time. I have to work on my self-esteem all of the time & it helps me to do research for the thread. Often I was finding something for someone in particular, but without actually telling them. The link is https://weight-loss.fitness.com/threads/motivational-sayings-and-or-affirmations.33533/ I wish I could go back & delete a lot of them & edit some, but I can't.
I'm looking forward to seeing you go from strength to strength & following your journey. I'm glad you have joined us :)​
Click to expand...

Hi Cate, thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate that you wrote me very thoughtful reply. I went and checked out your motivation thread and it really helped me feel out my emotions. Just reading some of the things you posted made me cry, but in a good tension releasing way. Thank you for such a great welcome! NC
 
Hi, NC. Well done on eating portioned meals & with your efforts to control your sadness. Would it be better to leave the hour until later in the day? Good for you still being able to get through the day!
The motivation thread has lots of different things in it. I have shed a lot of tears over the years looking for something to share in there. I think building our self-esteem is almost the most important thing if we are to learn to look after ourselves. I really struggled with learning to love myself & am getting better at it. Kindness can make me cry too. I shed tears today because someone hand- wrote a letter of thanks to my husband & I. I think most of us are so used to criticism, including self-criticism, that kindness can shock you. There should be more kindness in the world.
 
cate said:
Hi, NC. Well done on eating portioned meals & with your efforts to control your sadness. Would it be better to leave the hour until later in the day? Good for you still being able to get through the day!
The motivation thread has lots of different things in it. I have shed a lot of tears over the years looking for something to share in there. I think building our self-esteem is almost the most important thing if we are to learn to look after ourselves. I really struggled with learning to love myself & am getting better at it. Kindness can make me cry too. I shed tears today because someone hand- wrote a letter of thanks to my husband & I. I think most of us are so used to criticism, including self-criticism, that kindness can shock you. There should be more kindness in the world.
Click to expand...

Hi Cate, over the years I struggled a lot with self- esteem as well especially since I was bullied from early childhood due to my weight. I mean now that I think back, I was not a fat kid, at best a bit chubby, but where I grew up if you looked ANY different than the average norm you were picked on. It wasn't until my family immigrated to Canada that I slowly started to develop some coping strategies to stand up for myself. Those early years still affect me today. The biggest things I learned and am still learning in counselling is self-awareness and setting boundaries. NO amount of counselling works unless I accept the pain and go through it. I have always been quite selfless and supported others first before taking care of myself. I realize now that it is ok to put myself first and to set firm boundaries and stick to those when my natural tendency is to step right over them. I think it is amazing that you are continuously working hard and writing your diary even to this day- I question my self-discipline to continue but I must stay positive and just keep going. NC
 
Yesterday was a difficult day in an odd way. I didn't binge too much per se but I didn't do a great job eating portioned meals. I couldn't do any physical activity, I was just having a super depressed day avoiding any school work for my dissertation. I have been putting off my school work and avoiding it completely and now it has come to a point where I no longer have time to procrastinate. So, I decided to change my dissertation topic. While I can passionately write about protection of women and children that are victims of sexual violence, it also triggers me every time I do research. I'm seriously hoping that a different topic will get my butt in gear and just finish it. I always have a hard time not hating myself and blaming myself for being 'lazy'; I know I can do better and I have the capacity to do it but it's so bitter to accept that at this point in time, my capability is not what it used to be. Today started out better, cup of coffee, took all my morning meds, and I feel alert enough to research as soon as my one hour of free time on the net is over.
 
I think it's smart of you to change the topic of your dissertation. Limiting your net time to 1 hour is also very smart! I start my day with the forum after I have had my breakfast & am drinking my black coffee. I have the time & it has become a part of my life.
Hope your day continues as it started xo Cate.
 
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