It's January 12, 2011. A whole new year, and here I sit, the fattest I have ever been without being pregnant. I cannot believe I've let myself get to this point. I've always been overweight except for a couple short periods here and there where I lost weight for random reasons. The skinniest I've ever been is 150 something pounds. I don't know exact numbers on that because I was so happy with my body at the time that I didn't weigh myself very often. People say I carry my weight pretty well because they didn't believe I was 150ish, they thought I was more like 130ish. I'm 5'7". My weight would always average about 170-190 before I had my first kid. During my first pregnancy I got up to 265lbs!! I had a lot of water weight though, The day he was born my weight went down quite a bit and about a week later it settled at 232. So here I was, over 200lbs for the first time in my life. I hated seeing myself in the mirror. So I got right to business and started dieting and exercising whenever I could. It took me about a year to get down to about 170ish. This lasted for a while until I started working in a doctor's office around the holidays- all kinds of people giving us nurses all kinds of yummy desserts! I lost control...I couldn't stop eating! I got up to 198lbs and when I weighed myself and saw those numbers, I decided it had to stop right then and there. So I simply quit eating so much and got down to 180lbs. I then started working in fast food as a temporary job, but I started eating the food there everyday and got back up to 190lbs. I started dating a guy and the relationship moved pretty fast. I moved in with him. He was very strict on the things I could and couldn't do. He told me one day that I needed to quit eating fast food or I'd get even fatter. That same day, I said to myself that I'd prove to him I could lose weight, and I did. I stopped eating fast food, I only ate a small breakfast, a small lunch and a tiny dinner. No snacking in between, that was a big step for me. I also never let myself rest unless I was going to bed at night. I kept myself constantly moving- cleaning, walking, whatever I could find to do that didn't involve sitting. In a matter of two months I went from 190lbs to 150ish. I got a tan. I looked hotter than ever. I dressed very sophisticated. I was even able to stand naked in front of the mirror and like what I saw!! First time ever for me! That relationship ended at the end of that two months as well for many other reasons. I kept up eating healthy and taking walks as often as I could. I kept the weight off for about 6mths. Then I started working in a doctors office again and boy all those free lunches! I pigged out and packed on the pounds so quick!! Meanwhile, I was in a new relationship with the man I am currently with. He made me feel so comfortable that I stopped watching what I ate all together and basically went hog wild. I got up to 206 and when I saw those numbers on the scale I freaked out. So I tried to start watching what I was eating but the next thing I know, I'm pregnant!! This would be my second pregnancy. I did great during my pregnancy, carefully watching what I ate because I SO did not want to get up to 265 again. I got up to 240. That wasn't so bad considering I started at 206. I ate so good through my pregnancy that I thought after he was born I could cut down on my eating even more and get down to about 130lbs in no time. Did NOT happen. Well at first, I got back down to 206. Cool, back where I was right before I got pregnant, now just to lose down to 130lbs...then all of a sudden I couldn't control myself and started eating everything in sight! I got up to 230lbs! And that is where I'm stuck. I've tried diet after diet and I can't seem to stick to anything longer than a week. My weight goes between 221-230 every other week. It's driving me nuts. I'm supposed to be getting engaged to this guy I'm with and that brings to my thoughts: Me as a HUGE bride. Oh no. I can't do it. I'm not having a wedding where I'm looking like a friggin whale in a wedding dress! I can tell I'm huge, my knees hurt, my stomach gets in the way, I still have to wear some of my maternity clothes. My face has no jawline..I am so disgusting these days. Today I had an epiphany. I was looking through my old clothes from when I weighed 150ish. They look so tiny. I was in a size 8/10 and now I'm size 18, but the 18s are even getting tight. I refuse to move up any higher than 18! So today begins my journey. I will do this. I have to. For me, my kids, my man. For my happiness. I can't stand myself like this. I'm so unhappy. I've got the greatest life in every other category. But my body, I hate. I've got to change this. So my now pictures are attached. Starting weight is 226. I'll repost when I've made progress. Hopefully it's soon.
By the way here is what I've had to eat today:
Breakfast: sald with lettuce, cheese and ham, ranch for dressing (could've made it a healther salad but hey it's day 1 and at least it was a salad!)
Snack: fresh tropicana orange (yum!)
Lunch: Lean cuisine pizza
Snack: another orage (i love them!)
Dinner: Lean cuisine: chicken carbonara
By the way here is what I've had to eat today:
Breakfast: sald with lettuce, cheese and ham, ranch for dressing (could've made it a healther salad but hey it's day 1 and at least it was a salad!)
Snack: fresh tropicana orange (yum!)
Lunch: Lean cuisine pizza
Snack: another orage (i love them!)
Dinner: Lean cuisine: chicken carbonara
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