Hi my name is Katie. I joined this site about a year ago and have posted here and there off and on, but I feel like I need to start a diary or something to get some emotions out.
I have been yo-yo dieting since my mother started me on them around 12 years of age.
I went through a rough first "real" relationship when I was 18 that lasted a year and a half. He was the one I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He never cared what I looked like and always thought I was beautiful. he even asked me to marry him. which was stupid because he did not even have a job so he couldn't afford a ring and I was pretty much supporting him. Yet I still said yes for some stupid reason. I found out the entire relationship was a lie and he was cheating on me the whole time. a year after he asked me he finally had bought me a ring, and the weekend he gave it to me he was "sexting" to other girls and lying to me about it. Needless to say I ended it the monday after that weekend.
Then two months later I rushed into a relationship with another loser. He was a deadbeat with no car, no job, no friends...which I did not fully see until I was already with him. He lived 2 hours away from where I go to school so I always made the trips to see him and often skipped classes on fridays because I felt like I would lose him if I didnt see him as much as possible. Well the entire relationship was messed up from the get-go. He pretty much flat out said that he wanted me to lose weight. He said I was pretty, but would be prettier if I was skinny. I am an idiot and stayed with him regardless. There were a few situations throughout the year and a a half that we dated where he was thinking about sleeping with other girls..or talking/texting others girls about breaking up with me and dating them instead because they were more beautiful than I. We figured that all that was happening because we lived so far away so we moved in together after 6 months of dating..we moved into an apt where I go to school. It was the worst idea ever (incase you didnt see that coming.) He never got a job here either and I had to work two jobs, support him, plus I was pressured into losing weight and also pressured sexually. Sorry if this next bit is too much info...I have never been comfortable with sex because I was never comfortable with my body. My "first" was that first guy I thought I was going to marry. Then this guy was into gross stuff and super kinky stuff that I just had no idea about or any of that. I mean I am not an angel by any means, but I do not even watch porn or anything like that..so alot of stuff he wanted to do was scary and often gross to me and I often associated it with being gross because I thought I was gross...He was very mentally and verbally abusive about all that. He got an offer from an ex-fling (that is rich, slutty, and super skinny) to move to Cali with her and her dad will support them so they dont have worry about working. He actually debating taking it. So I told him I would lose weight and all that if he stayed with me. I figured if I lost weight I wouldnt hate doing all those "gross" things he wanted to do so much.
Long story short--once I started losing weight I started realizing I deserve better than that A-hole. I was motivated by his negativity and along with going to school full time and working two part time jobs, I often worked out 3 hours a day just to stay away from him. And while I was always an emotional eater before, I used dieting as a way to get some control over something. I started this journey at 195 (not my highest weight..I have been over 200.) in the beginning of August 2009. By the time the beginning of Dec rolled around I was right around 165. I had lost about30 lbs in just 4 months. I was pretty psyched about it. At this point I had had enough abuse from this guy and told him we needed to take a break (which I only said because I knew he wanted to be with me). I had no interest in him any more...but he was scary and I was afraid of what he would do if I told him. So he moved back home with the thought that we would get together. I never planned on it.
I was sooo happy after I dumped him. Happiest I had ever been in my life. I felt great about myself. I had secluded myself from family and friends because I was so busy supporting that moron..so when I finally got to go home for Xmas break, everyone couldnt believe how great I looked. I felt amazing.
However, I was not doing so great. As the new year rolled around I was getting needy and needing a guy in my life. Especially since I was no longer losing weight. I dont know if it was because my negative motivation of my ex being around was no longer there or what. But I figured maybe I was just lonely and i could get a great boyfriend now....I put my heart out there for a few guys and actually hate myself for what I did. I ended up hooking up with 4 more guys in the course of Jan-May...and there were a few others that I didnt actually sleep with but I fooled around with. That may not seem bad to some people..but to me it really was. I was always a believer that I had to be in love with someone to go all the way with them which was why I had only done it before with serious relationships.
Now I am in a relationship with a guy named Cameron who is the most amazing guy in the world. I met him during that time I was looking for love in all the wrong places...he was the only guy that Did not try to hook up with me the first date. He was the first guy who did not just talk about how good I looked to try and get in my pants. He was the first guy who I had so much in common with that actually seemed to be genuinely interested in me. So I pushed him away...this was because I was scared of someone so perfect seeming. I masked it and told myself I could get someone better thats why he is not the right one. I never told him that..I just avoided hanging out with him. The worst part about that is that when I drove an hour to see his show (he is an actor) at his college, we awkwardly hung out after for a few minutes (I told him I had to be back home that night) so he was okay with that and happy I came to his show..he kissed me goodbye and I left. Only I did not go home. I went across town to visit a different guy. A jerk who was about 7 years older than me that was only using me.
I visited Cameron at his home and met his friends and family after all that went down. I realized that weekend that we could be together. I still was unsure but we started dating. Overtime I realized I was a fool to push him away for 2 months before actually saying yes to dating
Now that I am dating Cameron and love him...we have been dating for a little over 3 months...I feel so guilty that all that stuff happened with the guys. I dont want to tell him..I dont want him to hate me. I am fairly certain he has only "been with" his ex (who he was with for 3 years) and myself. I fear he will think I am some slut or something. Also, the fact that I ditched him that night( before we were dating) is so terrible and it eats me up inside.
Sorry I know this is supposed to be a weight loss forum. I am getting to the main issues. I had been struggling with keeping my head straight with diet and exercise. I started counseling for eating disorder/anxiety/depression. I have not really been able to lose any more weight since the beginning of the year. I had been between 155-150 until the beginning of may. Then I started Nutri-system because I felt it was the only way I could get the portions I needed. With normal food I would panic about what I was eating and just not eat. then I would over eat and went through a period of 2 or 3 months where I would use laxatives after a "binge" because I was soo scared to lose weight.
Issues right now---I had been down to 147 at the begging on June with nutrisystem but then as the summer came and I started to spend more time with Cameron, I stopped sticking to it. I am too ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know I am doing Nutrisystem so I am jeopardizing what I have accomplished so far. I am literally terrified of what my BF will say if I tell him I am on the NS diet. My best friend thinks I am crazy and she tells me that she knows he will not care because he loves me and knows what I am struggling with with this eating disorder. Hell I am took embarrassed to even tell my shrink im on the diet.
It is now the beginning of August and I am back up to 155ish. I have so depressed about this. I was doing so well. But until I can get back to eating my NS stuff or eating healthy portions of regular food I will continue to gain weight. I have started trying to stuff my anxiety and all that with food...its like I feel depressed and anxious and want to cry because I am not being open with Cameron, and I am gaining weight...so I black out and end up binging. It is a viscious circle and I fear that it will only get worse once classes start up again. I should have met my goal months ago if I had stayed the same rate I had started at when I was with my ex.
Anyway sorry for it being so long. thanks for reading if you actually did. My current weight is around 155, I am 5'2-5'3. The range for my height peaks at 135...so that is my goal. I feel that given how unhappy I am with my body that I will never be happy with the number on the scale. I often fear with all the stretchmarks and lose skin from losing 40-45 pounds makes me look even worse than before. I weigh myself several times a day. It helps me decide to eat or not to eat..and to work out or not to work out. And when I feel like I have binged I will weight myself and the fact that I gained a pound or two from earlier in the day makes me feel like it is okay to be angry with myself. I know it is messed up..please I am looking for any advice.
I have been yo-yo dieting since my mother started me on them around 12 years of age.
I went through a rough first "real" relationship when I was 18 that lasted a year and a half. He was the one I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He never cared what I looked like and always thought I was beautiful. he even asked me to marry him. which was stupid because he did not even have a job so he couldn't afford a ring and I was pretty much supporting him. Yet I still said yes for some stupid reason. I found out the entire relationship was a lie and he was cheating on me the whole time. a year after he asked me he finally had bought me a ring, and the weekend he gave it to me he was "sexting" to other girls and lying to me about it. Needless to say I ended it the monday after that weekend.
Then two months later I rushed into a relationship with another loser. He was a deadbeat with no car, no job, no friends...which I did not fully see until I was already with him. He lived 2 hours away from where I go to school so I always made the trips to see him and often skipped classes on fridays because I felt like I would lose him if I didnt see him as much as possible. Well the entire relationship was messed up from the get-go. He pretty much flat out said that he wanted me to lose weight. He said I was pretty, but would be prettier if I was skinny. I am an idiot and stayed with him regardless. There were a few situations throughout the year and a a half that we dated where he was thinking about sleeping with other girls..or talking/texting others girls about breaking up with me and dating them instead because they were more beautiful than I. We figured that all that was happening because we lived so far away so we moved in together after 6 months of dating..we moved into an apt where I go to school. It was the worst idea ever (incase you didnt see that coming.) He never got a job here either and I had to work two jobs, support him, plus I was pressured into losing weight and also pressured sexually. Sorry if this next bit is too much info...I have never been comfortable with sex because I was never comfortable with my body. My "first" was that first guy I thought I was going to marry. Then this guy was into gross stuff and super kinky stuff that I just had no idea about or any of that. I mean I am not an angel by any means, but I do not even watch porn or anything like that..so alot of stuff he wanted to do was scary and often gross to me and I often associated it with being gross because I thought I was gross...He was very mentally and verbally abusive about all that. He got an offer from an ex-fling (that is rich, slutty, and super skinny) to move to Cali with her and her dad will support them so they dont have worry about working. He actually debating taking it. So I told him I would lose weight and all that if he stayed with me. I figured if I lost weight I wouldnt hate doing all those "gross" things he wanted to do so much.
Long story short--once I started losing weight I started realizing I deserve better than that A-hole. I was motivated by his negativity and along with going to school full time and working two part time jobs, I often worked out 3 hours a day just to stay away from him. And while I was always an emotional eater before, I used dieting as a way to get some control over something. I started this journey at 195 (not my highest weight..I have been over 200.) in the beginning of August 2009. By the time the beginning of Dec rolled around I was right around 165. I had lost about30 lbs in just 4 months. I was pretty psyched about it. At this point I had had enough abuse from this guy and told him we needed to take a break (which I only said because I knew he wanted to be with me). I had no interest in him any more...but he was scary and I was afraid of what he would do if I told him. So he moved back home with the thought that we would get together. I never planned on it.
I was sooo happy after I dumped him. Happiest I had ever been in my life. I felt great about myself. I had secluded myself from family and friends because I was so busy supporting that moron..so when I finally got to go home for Xmas break, everyone couldnt believe how great I looked. I felt amazing.
However, I was not doing so great. As the new year rolled around I was getting needy and needing a guy in my life. Especially since I was no longer losing weight. I dont know if it was because my negative motivation of my ex being around was no longer there or what. But I figured maybe I was just lonely and i could get a great boyfriend now....I put my heart out there for a few guys and actually hate myself for what I did. I ended up hooking up with 4 more guys in the course of Jan-May...and there were a few others that I didnt actually sleep with but I fooled around with. That may not seem bad to some people..but to me it really was. I was always a believer that I had to be in love with someone to go all the way with them which was why I had only done it before with serious relationships.
Now I am in a relationship with a guy named Cameron who is the most amazing guy in the world. I met him during that time I was looking for love in all the wrong places...he was the only guy that Did not try to hook up with me the first date. He was the first guy who did not just talk about how good I looked to try and get in my pants. He was the first guy who I had so much in common with that actually seemed to be genuinely interested in me. So I pushed him away...this was because I was scared of someone so perfect seeming. I masked it and told myself I could get someone better thats why he is not the right one. I never told him that..I just avoided hanging out with him. The worst part about that is that when I drove an hour to see his show (he is an actor) at his college, we awkwardly hung out after for a few minutes (I told him I had to be back home that night) so he was okay with that and happy I came to his show..he kissed me goodbye and I left. Only I did not go home. I went across town to visit a different guy. A jerk who was about 7 years older than me that was only using me.
I visited Cameron at his home and met his friends and family after all that went down. I realized that weekend that we could be together. I still was unsure but we started dating. Overtime I realized I was a fool to push him away for 2 months before actually saying yes to dating
Now that I am dating Cameron and love him...we have been dating for a little over 3 months...I feel so guilty that all that stuff happened with the guys. I dont want to tell him..I dont want him to hate me. I am fairly certain he has only "been with" his ex (who he was with for 3 years) and myself. I fear he will think I am some slut or something. Also, the fact that I ditched him that night( before we were dating) is so terrible and it eats me up inside.
Sorry I know this is supposed to be a weight loss forum. I am getting to the main issues. I had been struggling with keeping my head straight with diet and exercise. I started counseling for eating disorder/anxiety/depression. I have not really been able to lose any more weight since the beginning of the year. I had been between 155-150 until the beginning of may. Then I started Nutri-system because I felt it was the only way I could get the portions I needed. With normal food I would panic about what I was eating and just not eat. then I would over eat and went through a period of 2 or 3 months where I would use laxatives after a "binge" because I was soo scared to lose weight.
Issues right now---I had been down to 147 at the begging on June with nutrisystem but then as the summer came and I started to spend more time with Cameron, I stopped sticking to it. I am too ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know I am doing Nutrisystem so I am jeopardizing what I have accomplished so far. I am literally terrified of what my BF will say if I tell him I am on the NS diet. My best friend thinks I am crazy and she tells me that she knows he will not care because he loves me and knows what I am struggling with with this eating disorder. Hell I am took embarrassed to even tell my shrink im on the diet.
It is now the beginning of August and I am back up to 155ish. I have so depressed about this. I was doing so well. But until I can get back to eating my NS stuff or eating healthy portions of regular food I will continue to gain weight. I have started trying to stuff my anxiety and all that with food...its like I feel depressed and anxious and want to cry because I am not being open with Cameron, and I am gaining weight...so I black out and end up binging. It is a viscious circle and I fear that it will only get worse once classes start up again. I should have met my goal months ago if I had stayed the same rate I had started at when I was with my ex.
Anyway sorry for it being so long. thanks for reading if you actually did. My current weight is around 155, I am 5'2-5'3. The range for my height peaks at 135...so that is my goal. I feel that given how unhappy I am with my body that I will never be happy with the number on the scale. I often fear with all the stretchmarks and lose skin from losing 40-45 pounds makes me look even worse than before. I weigh myself several times a day. It helps me decide to eat or not to eat..and to work out or not to work out. And when I feel like I have binged I will weight myself and the fact that I gained a pound or two from earlier in the day makes me feel like it is okay to be angry with myself. I know it is messed up..please I am looking for any advice.