Cohen's Lifestyle My Cohen diary
- Thread starter Esthee
- Start date
Prefix for Cohen's Lifestyle
Esthee
New member
Just saying I'm still kicking
Hi,
I have to admit I am not in the mood to write at all. My world is upside down at the moment and I'm trying to stop focusing only on my diet and actually getting some other things done. I've lost 17kg so far and I'm doing ok. I'm getting bored with the food, but after losing so much I just close my eyes and eat my meal. My life feels like sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus to come. You have some idea of what time its coming, but at the moment, you're just sitting, waiting for it to come. I'm just going through my daily motions to get another day done, and to get closer to actually reaching my goal weight. It feels like its all I have strength for now.
Well, I'm doing ok, trying to get my head right so I can start with my dissertation and actually do some work at the office for a change. Instead of just waiting for another day to just end.
Hi,
I have to admit I am not in the mood to write at all. My world is upside down at the moment and I'm trying to stop focusing only on my diet and actually getting some other things done. I've lost 17kg so far and I'm doing ok. I'm getting bored with the food, but after losing so much I just close my eyes and eat my meal. My life feels like sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus to come. You have some idea of what time its coming, but at the moment, you're just sitting, waiting for it to come. I'm just going through my daily motions to get another day done, and to get closer to actually reaching my goal weight. It feels like its all I have strength for now.
Well, I'm doing ok, trying to get my head right so I can start with my dissertation and actually do some work at the office for a change. Instead of just waiting for another day to just end.
I know the feeling ...
Hey Esthee, I know the feeling - but fortunately it shall pass.
One of the things that inspires me about you is that even when you are feeling like this, you still keep 100% to Cohen - you need to really pat yourself on the back for that, some like me do not have that mental resolve.
I am so happy for you that you have lost 17kgs, that is just fabulous - you have lost a whole bag of potatoes and another half
- all of that in a space of 2 months - that is truly amazing!
Keep strong, hang in there, and soon the sound of the bus will be audible ...
PS: I might not have read your earlier entry about your studies - what are you doing/studying. You are my hero, smart and disciplined ...
Cheers
Hey Esthee, I know the feeling - but fortunately it shall pass.
One of the things that inspires me about you is that even when you are feeling like this, you still keep 100% to Cohen - you need to really pat yourself on the back for that, some like me do not have that mental resolve.
I am so happy for you that you have lost 17kgs, that is just fabulous - you have lost a whole bag of potatoes and another half
- all of that in a space of 2 months - that is truly amazing!Keep strong, hang in there, and soon the sound of the bus will be audible ...
PS: I might not have read your earlier entry about your studies - what are you doing/studying. You are my hero, smart and disciplined ...
Cheers
Esthee
New member
Hi GJeans You just made my day! 
Yesterday was the worst day I've been through since I've started with Cohens. I didn't deviate, but I'm sure if I had cash with me yesterday I would have. My lunch was horrible, I made Ostrich steak for lunch and it was still too rare. And I was sitting in the office so there wasn't anything I could do about it. So I had to force it down. 
I do tend to not give myself any credit whatsoever. The WF is always telling me that I should stop focusing on what I still have to lose and rather focus on how successful I've been and how determined. But I do tend to live in the past or the future, never in the present.
I see you've also been losing a lot of weight. Congrats!!!
To answer your question, I work as a Technical Writer and I'm busy with my Masters Degree in Engineering. I've finished all my classes and only need to finish my dissertation to get my degree. I hope to have my dissertation ready for review by August but at the rate I'm going, I'm starting to get behind schedule.
Thanks again for the kind words. And good luck, you've also lost such a lot of weight already.
Yesterday was the worst day I've been through since I've started with Cohens. I didn't deviate, but I'm sure if I had cash with me yesterday I would have. My lunch was horrible, I made Ostrich steak for lunch and it was still too rare. And I was sitting in the office so there wasn't anything I could do about it. So I had to force it down. I do tend to not give myself any credit whatsoever. The WF is always telling me that I should stop focusing on what I still have to lose and rather focus on how successful I've been and how determined. But I do tend to live in the past or the future, never in the present.
I see you've also been losing a lot of weight. Congrats!!!
To answer your question, I work as a Technical Writer and I'm busy with my Masters Degree in Engineering. I've finished all my classes and only need to finish my dissertation to get my degree. I hope to have my dissertation ready for review by August but at the rate I'm going, I'm starting to get behind schedule.
Thanks again for the kind words.
And good luck, you've also lost such a lot of weight already.
Cate
Long term member
Hi Esthee, I think there's a common thread amongst us all. Not many of us give ourselves credit for our achievements. We are happy to encourage others but usually give ourselves a hard time. You are doing great!! (Not good grammar, but I don't care today!) My LH always says I am wishing my life away! Sometimes it's hard to look to the future but we must & take pleasure & pride in our achievements along the way. Be proud of yourself. Take care, Cate.
Esthee
New member
Sad
I'm writing something today I really believed I wouldn't have to write in here EVER. The past 3 weeks have not been the best. I've lost some weight, but not a lot. (perhaps 4kg?) But with that I can deal with. It's my emotions that was horrible. I've been depressed like I haven't been in a long while. I've been feeling overwhelmed and out of control. I've tried to just ignore it and stick to my program, without any deviations and I've been successful with that. ... wow this is difficult trying to write what have been going on in my mind.... I was on the verge of committing suicide a year ago, but luckily the doctor noticed my moods and forced me onto antidepressants. I have been diagnosed with major depression and mostly I feel like I have control over it. The doctor has told me that I should take the meds for the rest of my life as my lows are really really low and dark. But its like admitting that I'm broken? Not well in the head. So I pride myself in not needing my meds and coping on my own. The doctor that diagnosed me a few years ago always told me it was the people who didn't really need the meds who never stopped using them and the people who really need to that stop.
Well that brings me to today. This morning I had one of my 'episodes'. This entails me screaming at the WF and telling him I'm just getting in my car and never coming back. This isn't because of something that he did, this morning I actually woke him to scream at him. So I ended up crying before work while trying to pack our lunches. This has happened so many times over the past years that he knows exactly how to handle me. So he normally just takes me into his arms, ask what he can do for me to make me feel less overwhelmed (generally this means he does a few errands for me) and gently telling me that I need to take my meds. I've got the best man out there, I know.
So, this morning I went back on my meds. With the firm realisation that I'm never going off them again. It will take another 2 weeks for them to start making a difference, but at least now I know I'm doing something to make it better. The problem is I'm still feeling a bit bruised and battered today. This led me to my first deviation.
I'm so dissappointed in myself today. I had some toasted sandwiches for lunch. But I'll go back to my plan immediately. Perhaps. Maybe.
I actually don't know if I should click the submit button. This is 'depro Esthee' talking and she's not my favourite person. But I know others might also go through this, and I'm not perfect.
I'm writing something today I really believed I wouldn't have to write in here EVER. The past 3 weeks have not been the best. I've lost some weight, but not a lot. (perhaps 4kg?) But with that I can deal with. It's my emotions that was horrible. I've been depressed like I haven't been in a long while. I've been feeling overwhelmed and out of control. I've tried to just ignore it and stick to my program, without any deviations and I've been successful with that. ... wow this is difficult trying to write what have been going on in my mind.... I was on the verge of committing suicide a year ago, but luckily the doctor noticed my moods and forced me onto antidepressants. I have been diagnosed with major depression and mostly I feel like I have control over it. The doctor has told me that I should take the meds for the rest of my life as my lows are really really low and dark. But its like admitting that I'm broken? Not well in the head
. So I pride myself in not needing my meds and coping on my own. The doctor that diagnosed me a few years ago always told me it was the people who didn't really need the meds who never stopped using them and the people who really need to that stop. Well that brings me to today. This morning I had one of my 'episodes'. This entails me screaming at the WF and telling him I'm just getting in my car and never coming back. This isn't because of something that he did, this morning I actually woke him to scream at him
. So I ended up crying before work while trying to pack our lunches. This has happened so many times over the past years that he knows exactly how to handle me. So he normally just takes me into his arms, ask what he can do for me to make me feel less overwhelmed (generally this means he does a few errands for me) and gently telling me that I need to take my meds. I've got the best man out there, I know. So, this morning I went back on my meds. With the firm realisation that I'm never going off them again. It will take another 2 weeks for them to start making a difference, but at least now I know I'm doing something to make it better. The problem is I'm still feeling a bit bruised and battered today. This led me to my first deviation.
I'm so dissappointed in myself today. I had some toasted sandwiches for lunch. But I'll go back to my plan immediately. Perhaps. Maybe. I actually don't know if I should click the submit button. This is 'depro Esthee' talking and she's not my favourite person. But I know others might also go through this, and I'm not perfect.
Esthee
No one is perfect, believe me. You deviated because you needed it...do not stress.
It sounds like you truely do have a wf, he understands and supports unconditionally so it appears. Going back on your meds is the right thing to do especially if your Doctor is advising it and you are showing signs of major stress.
Do not feel guilty for writing how or what you feel....I am in same boat but with different circumstances. You sometimes feel like oh! here I go again will I ever get this right...but life is so unpredictable and our emotions just go along for the ride. So to get on here and tell it as it is, is a huge relief and destresser.
You take care now.
Sam
No one is perfect, believe me. You deviated because you needed it...do not stress.
It sounds like you truely do have a wf, he understands and supports unconditionally so it appears. Going back on your meds is the right thing to do especially if your Doctor is advising it and you are showing signs of major stress.
Do not feel guilty for writing how or what you feel....I am in same boat but with different circumstances. You sometimes feel like oh! here I go again will I ever get this right...but life is so unpredictable and our emotions just go along for the ride. So to get on here and tell it as it is, is a huge relief and destresser.
You take care now.
Sam
Cate
Long term member
Esthee, What can I say but I know how you feel! I have battled this for decades & managed most of the time (only just sometimes). To me I used to think it's weak taking pills but the last year has taught me some valuable lessons, about life, about me. I also think losing weight gets your hormones more active. With me it may be menopause.Whatever it is, it doesn't matter what it's called, I know I need chemical help. It is not a weakness, it is an illness. Please don't throw in the program. Get back on track, stay on your meds & it will get better. Life is good & you have people that really love you (esp. your WF!). I'm sending you a big hug & all the loving thoughts I can muster ,xoxo Cate.
Hi Esthee
The mark of greatness is to admit weakness and difficulty.However, there is nothing weak about depression, it is an illness that you can manage with the help of medication and the support of those closest and dearest to you. You already have all bases covered there.
I am glad you hit the submit button because now you can see that there are others out there who also care ... I will be thinking of you these 2 weeks until the meds have started to kick in.
Take it easy,
The mark of greatness is to admit weakness and difficulty.However, there is nothing weak about depression, it is an illness that you can manage with the help of medication and the support of those closest and dearest to you. You already have all bases covered there.
I am glad you hit the submit button because now you can see that there are others out there who also care ... I will be thinking of you these 2 weeks until the meds have started to kick in.
Take it easy,
Esthee
New member
10 weeks and 3 days
Hi everyone!
I've been struggling to get time to be online, long enough to not just read everyone's diaries, but actually sit down and write something.
It's going really really well with me at the moment. I discovered that my biggest problem was lack of sleep. When I started with Cohen's I was sleeping in my own room with a new mattress that was made for people weighing between 120 and 150kg.
It was a very embarrassing day when we bought that mattress. The sales lady actually looked at me and in front of all the people there said 'You weigh about 115kg don't you?' and then took me to this mattress saying 'The mattresses you were looking at won't really work for someone your weight, best look at these ones.' Well she was right, its an amazing mattress. I sleep like a baby in it. The reason I needed a new mattress was the fact that I was snoring so loudly that the WF couldn't get any sleep while we were sharing a bed. I was so overweight I suffered from sleep apnea and he would constantly wake up when I stopped breathing. So I decided to sleep in the spare bedroom.
I've been sleeping in 'my' room for a month and a half and about 3 weeks ago I went back to our bed. The snoring and sleep apnea is gone completely, so I thought it would be nice to snuggle with the WF again. Only problem is that our bed is 6 years old and not as supportive as the spare bed. So I've been sleeping horribly. I've also had insomia since I was 8 years old, so I don't sleep well as a rule. The weight stopped going down, my depression took over my life. So a few days ago the WF looked at me and told me very lovingly that I looked like crap. I had bags under my eyes etc. So I'm back to the spare bed, but sleeping wonderfully. At least the WF and myself know we really love each other he he he.
So I've started losing weight again, the depression is back into check and I'm feeling MUCH better. Will write again tomorrow, I need to make some lunch now.
Take care everyone.
Hi everyone!
I've been struggling to get time to be online, long enough to not just read everyone's diaries, but actually sit down and write something.
It's going really really well with me at the moment. I discovered that my biggest problem was lack of sleep. When I started with Cohen's I was sleeping in my own room with a new mattress that was made for people weighing between 120 and 150kg.
It was a very embarrassing day when we bought that mattress. The sales lady actually looked at me and in front of all the people there said 'You weigh about 115kg don't you?' and then took me to this mattress saying 'The mattresses you were looking at won't really work for someone your weight, best look at these ones.' Well she was right, its an amazing mattress. I sleep like a baby in it. The reason I needed a new mattress was the fact that I was snoring so loudly that the WF couldn't get any sleep while we were sharing a bed. I was so overweight I suffered from sleep apnea and he would constantly wake up when I stopped breathing. So I decided to sleep in the spare bedroom. I've been sleeping in 'my' room for a month and a half and about 3 weeks ago I went back to our bed. The snoring and sleep apnea is gone completely, so I thought it would be nice to snuggle with the WF again. Only problem is that our bed is 6 years old and not as supportive as the spare bed.
So I've been sleeping horribly. I've also had insomia since I was 8 years old, so I don't sleep well as a rule. The weight stopped going down, my depression took over my life. So a few days ago the WF looked at me and told me very lovingly that I looked like crap. I had bags under my eyes etc. So I'm back to the spare bed, but sleeping wonderfully. At least the WF and myself know we really love each other he he he. So I've started losing weight again, the depression is back into check and I'm feeling MUCH better. Will write again tomorrow, I need to make some lunch now.
Take care everyone.
Hi Esthee
Wonderful to hear from you I was getting a bit worried. It had been Cate and me most of the time coming in. What a story with the mattress...some people are just rude if you ask me. It is also so good to hear that you are doing well and losing. Take care now and have a lovely weekend.
Sam
Wonderful to hear from you I was getting a bit worried. It had been Cate and me most of the time coming in. What a story with the mattress...some people are just rude if you ask me. It is also so good to hear that you are doing well and losing. Take care now and have a lovely weekend.
Sam
Esthee
New member
9 April
Hi All!
I'm so glad we have a little Cohen corner where we can chat. It helps to not feel all alone in this. I have been doing really well. On Saturday the WF and one of our best friends took me out for breakfast. The idea was to have a normal breakfast, toast, bacon the whole thing. I was sitting in the restaurant looking at the menu and I just couldn't. The poor waiter was waiting a looong time for me to make up my mind on what I wanted, and I just couldn't cheat.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I've stopped eating my fruits and crackers as I'm just not that hungry, I've had some cream in coffee a few times etc. But actually eating bread again after all my hard work was just something I couldn't do. So I just had a bottle of water and a filter coffee. I have to have my 12 week blood tests done Sunday morning and I'll see if I've done enough to receive a 'deviated' verdict from my consultant. If I do, I'll start eating my fruits and crackers again, otherwise, I'll just continue with what I'm doing at present.
I do have some issues of late though. It feels like my self image and body image is completely out of whack. Its like my mind is struggling to keep up with my ever changing body. I still feel huge, but people are stating to treat me differently, they aren't staring at me when I go shopping, they aren't treating me with disgust. Its difficult to explain. Its almost as if I don't know how to feel now that I've almost lost 20kg. I'm wearing clothes that is too big for me because the idea that I'm actually not that big is still a bit..... terrifying? I've come to realise that my weight actually stands still if my mind is not completely ready to get smaller??? If that makes sense at all.
But I'll cope, even if it means that I will have to go see my therapist again just to chat. But writing it here helps a LOT.
I actually had the nicest dream a night ago. For the past 5 years I've always been fat in my dreams. My feelings and fears about the way I look just continued in my sleep. In this dream I was thin and getting married. I was looking at my mother and saying 'Mom I'm actually really getting married'. And in my dream I knew it was going to happen for me.
I'm so excited. I'm so scared and I'm so happy.
Hi All!
I'm so glad we have a little Cohen corner where we can chat. It helps to not feel all alone in this. I have been doing really well. On Saturday the WF and one of our best friends took me out for breakfast. The idea was to have a normal breakfast, toast, bacon the whole thing. I was sitting in the restaurant looking at the menu and I just couldn't. The poor waiter was waiting a looong time for me to make up my mind on what I wanted, and I just couldn't cheat.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I've stopped eating my fruits and crackers as I'm just not that hungry, I've had some cream in coffee a few times etc. But actually eating bread again after all my hard work was just something I couldn't do. So I just had a bottle of water and a filter coffee. I have to have my 12 week blood tests done Sunday morning and I'll see if I've done enough to receive a 'deviated' verdict from my consultant. If I do, I'll start eating my fruits and crackers again, otherwise, I'll just continue with what I'm doing at present.
I do have some issues of late though. It feels like my self image and body image is completely out of whack. Its like my mind is struggling to keep up with my ever changing body. I still feel huge, but people are stating to treat me differently, they aren't staring at me when I go shopping, they aren't treating me with disgust. Its difficult to explain. Its almost as if I don't know how to feel now that I've almost lost 20kg. I'm wearing clothes that is too big for me because the idea that I'm actually not that big is still a bit..... terrifying? I've come to realise that my weight actually stands still if my mind is not completely ready to get smaller??? If that makes sense at all.
But I'll cope, even if it means that I will have to go see my therapist again just to chat. But writing it here helps a LOT.
I actually had the nicest dream a night ago. For the past 5 years I've always been fat in my dreams. My feelings and fears about the way I look just continued in my sleep. In this dream I was thin and getting married. I was looking at my mother and saying 'Mom I'm actually really getting married'. And in my dream I knew it was going to happen for me.
I'm so excited. I'm so scared and I'm so happy.
Cate
Long term member
Oh Esthee, It is so good to hear you sounding much better. I can relate to what you're saying about the body image. It will take a while for your brain to catch up I'm afraid & talking to your therapist should help. I am only just starting to adjust mentally to what my body is physically. I still occasionally think I'm fat even though it is now 8 months since I reached my goal weight.
Your WF sounds like he's very supportive & a sweetie. Good for you resisting that breakfast. It's a very good sign I think. Take care, xo Cate
Your WF sounds like he's very supportive & a sweetie. Good for you resisting that breakfast. It's a very good sign I think. Take care, xo Cate
Wow ... 18.8 kg lost
It is just fantastic.
I can relate somewhat to what you are saying. I think the reality will take a long time to really set in. For me even though I now wear size 38 clothes, from a 42, I still cannot grasp that i have lost a lot of weight already. The person that we "knew" in our minds will one day change to be who we will have become. Your therapist may be able to help you unlock the key to thinking of yourself as you are becoming. But your dream for me is truly fantastic, it means your subconscious is already priming you for the "happiness" that awaits you when you are slimmer and you are living your dream literally - and you know what, you will have that wedding and you will look exactly as gorgeous as you have long been hoping for.
Your post has really been inspirational for me
Keep up the good work
Cheers
It is just fantastic.
I can relate somewhat to what you are saying. I think the reality will take a long time to really set in. For me even though I now wear size 38 clothes, from a 42, I still cannot grasp that i have lost a lot of weight already. The person that we "knew" in our minds will one day change to be who we will have become. Your therapist may be able to help you unlock the key to thinking of yourself as you are becoming. But your dream for me is truly fantastic, it means your subconscious is already priming you for the "happiness" that awaits you when you are slimmer and you are living your dream literally - and you know what, you will have that wedding and you will look exactly as gorgeous as you have long been hoping for.
Your post has really been inspirational for me
Keep up the good work
Cheers
Annie_Lusion
New member
Hi Esthee,
What a lovely dream...when the time comes you will be one stunning bride!
You have done so well, nearly 19 down,wow!! - it just seems like yesterday when you started.
Keep it up, stay focussed, you are doing great!!
TTFN
Annie Lusion
What a lovely dream...when the time comes you will be one stunning bride!
You have done so well, nearly 19 down,wow!! - it just seems like yesterday when you started.
Keep it up, stay focussed, you are doing great!!
TTFN
Annie Lusion
Esthee
New member
I really don't have much to say today. But I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I'm doing very well. I'm going for my bloodtests on Sunday morning. I've been on this diet now for almost 3 months.
I'm starting to take a look at my life at the moment, re-assessing my priorities, the things that brings me joy, etc. So at the moment I have stopped focusing on losing weight, I'm following my diet plan and that will not change, but I'm focusing on my spiritual side and my creative side that I have neglected for years. Starting with Piano lessons, that kind of thing.
I'm actually quite excited, I'm starting with piano lessons on Tuesday!! I love playing the piano, I have just never learnt how.
Actually, my weight is starting to slow down, but I'm really seeing a HUGE improvement in my overall well being, and just in myself. I also have noticed a HUGE increase in my energy levels. I can accomplish about 200% of what I could about 2 months ago.
Well thats me I'm going to have my weekend now
I'm starting to take a look at my life at the moment, re-assessing my priorities, the things that brings me joy, etc. So at the moment I have stopped focusing on losing weight, I'm following my diet plan and that will not change, but I'm focusing on my spiritual side and my creative side that I have neglected for years. Starting with Piano lessons, that kind of thing.
I'm actually quite excited, I'm starting with piano lessons on Tuesday!! I love playing the piano, I have just never learnt how.
Actually, my weight is starting to slow down, but I'm really seeing a HUGE improvement in my overall well being, and just in myself. I also have noticed a HUGE increase in my energy levels. I can accomplish about 200% of what I could about 2 months ago.
Well thats me I'm going to have my weekend now