Mowens's Diary

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Your image is not tarnished :blush5: I didn't see you as an angry person Mowens, but I see why you thought I did. My mind is not working as well as it should at the moment & I should be reading back over my posts before I "post reply" :blush5: My husband bottles up his emotions & it is so hard to work out what he's thinking most of the time. I wish he would share his thoughts more. He's getting better though.....slightly :) xoC
 
Wouldn´t it be boring if you were already perfect in your early thirties? I think it´s good to be aware of the direction you want to be going.
 
Mowens1984 said:
I'm prone to having an explosive temper because I don't vent nearly enough (in a healthy way).
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Me, too. I can't give advice, but I did go on Prozac when my first one was born and I was losing my s#!t at the dumbest things. It helped a lot.

Regarding your peer pressure, I've been there, too. I used to sit next to a guy* who'd bring in these massive 2-serving dense Hungarian meals (sausage, potatoes, cabbage), and ask me where I kept my pet rabbit when I had a salad. All I could do was shrug and say "Hey, gotta take care of #1, right?" Now I sit in complete isolation that requires double badge access (trust me, my job isn't that important, there's a long stupid reason behind it).


*This guy had a heart attack about a year ago, and is now eating salads.
 
Haha, the more I hear you say, the more I feel like we have in common. I also work a "not super important" job but I work in a government building that requires multiple badges to get into. I always have to downplay how important my job is to people that hear about it.

I used to take Buspirone and Paxil (at different times) for anxiety, but I didn't like the feeling of artificial happiness so I weened myself off of them. I still have anxiety issues, issues where I can't stand to speak to or be around any human being that isn't my wife and children but they're very understanding of the person I am and don't push me into situations I'm uncomfortable with.

Just yesterday I was in this two lane turn in the left lane turning right (that all makes sense, right?) and the guy on my right is also turning right. As we both turn, he merges into the left lane, forcing me to pull into oncoming traffic long enough to let him get in front of me. I honked my horn and he gave me this gesture like, "What's your problem?" And I was shaking from the anger and adrenaline of almost being killed. That's the kind of stuff I bottle up because no one wants to hear about how bad other drivers are all the time but I don't have a creative outlet for when I feel wronged. I wanted to just ram into the back of this guy's car and I was pissed off, but I just kept breathing and eventually got over it.

I know a lot of people say exercise calms their anxiety but maybe I'm not comfortable enough yet to feel relaxed by working out. It still feels like a chore. One I don't really mind doing, but a chore nonetheless.

On a side note, my dad just called me yesterday and made plans to have the two of us go camping from Friday - Monday at a nearby state park so maybe I can relax and get in some good hiking to clear my mind.
 
It just occurred to me that yesterday marks 2 months since I've started this lifestyle change. I've lost almost 25 1/2 lbs since starting, almost 13lbs a month average. I don't expect to keep up that pace, but I'm really happy with what I've accomplished so far. :D
 
Lost a pretty awesome amount of weight for the start AND became way more mobile. Don't forget that last one.
 
I think you are doing an AWESOME job Mowens. I really do. I love having you here in the forum with us xo
 
Mowens1984 said:
That's the kind of stuff I bottle up because no one wants to hear about how bad other drivers are all the time but I don't have a creative outlet for when I feel wronged.
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You didn't vent to your wife about this? That'd be the first thing I talked about when I got home!

RE: badge access, I work for a company where export control is high on the priority (military and aerospace products), so the initial justification for the lockdown was that, but it's overkill, for sure.

And 25 lbs in 2 months is awesome!
 
Well, I'm off to go camping until the 29th. I hope it doesn't get TOO hot and I don't gorge myself on too much junk food while I'm out there hiking. See you all when I get back. :D
 
Have fun & don't overdo it. Or, if you do, get right back on the wagon when you get back xoC
 
I first thought you were being sarcastic about "junk food while hiking" but then I realized you have kids and probably do a different kind of camping than I used to. Shame, slalomming through an abundance of wild berries is pretty awesome!
 
Great job on the 25 lbs you've lost! That's awesome! I agree with everyone else that you're a great addition to the forum! Have fun camping! :)
 
Got back from camping mid-day Monday (couple of pictures to come).

My dad had purchased a FitBit Blaze recently and was using it and it tempted me to just jump in and order a band. I pre-ordered the just announced FitBit Charge 2 which is smaller and cheaper than the full-sized watches some people are carrying around. I'm excited to get it!

We got tons of exercise and hiking in so I was a little disheartened when I hadn't lost anything upon weighing myself. That's why I also put off posting anything the couple of days since I've gotten back. Nothing great to report, I suppose. I think I allowed myself a bit too much to eat because of the extra exercise.

But regardless, the weather was mostly great (highs of 91F on most days) and it was time well spent with my dad.
 
Mowens1984 said:
Well, I'm off to go camping until the 29th. I hope it doesn't get TOO hot and I don't gorge myself on too much junk food while I'm out there hiking. See you all when I get back. :D
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Mowens1984 said:
We got tons of exercise and hiking in so I was a little disheartened when I hadn't lost anything upon weighing myself. That's why I also put off posting anything the couple of days since I've gotten back. Nothing great to report, I suppose. I think I allowed myself a bit too much to eat because of the extra exercise.
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Judging by post number one, keeping your weight is an accomplishment! Well done Mowens, you can afford to be nice to yourself sometimes ;) Also: have fun with your new toy.
 
Yeah, I know I'm ultimately being way too hard on myself and being too quick to see results. I lost so much so quickly early on that not keeping that going almost feels like failure to me.

I know things aren't that black and white and I have to keep telling myself that. I will get there... it will take time and that's okay. I will have many days where I won't like what I see on the scale but that isn't a sign of failure, it's a reason to try harder.
 
Mowens1984 said:
Yeah, I know I'm ultimately being way too hard on myself and being too quick to see results. I lost so much so quickly early on that not keeping that going almost feels like failure to me.

I know things aren't that black and white and I have to keep telling myself that. I will get there... it will take time and that's okay. I will have many days where I won't like what I see on the scale but that isn't a sign of failure, it's a reason to try harder.
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Sounds like you have the right attitude for sure. You have already lost a lot of weight. I know on my journey there were weeks when I didn't lose an ounce. So frustrating but persevere and it will come off. I started at 320 pounds and lost 145 pounds. Last 10 were the hardest-lol. You can do this. It is all about attitude and staying with it.
 
It's great that you had a good time away with your Dad, Mowens. I think most of us are too hard on ourselves & not doing so is easier said than done. But, we must. You are doing really well & you are so determined now, that I'm sure you will reach your goals. It does get harder when you are getting close to your goal weight, so you must learn to be a little kinder to yourself, but without dropping that resolve. You can do this Mowens. You are doing it! :D
 
Thanks cowboy! I wish you'd been here from the beginning so I could have watched how you did it. That's quite an accomplishment on your part. I don't have quite as much to lose as what you started with, but it will still clock in at around 105lbs if I lost everything I want to lose.

I definitely have the drive and determination, it's really accidental at this point when I slip up. It'll be that I had a good breakfast and lunch and then we don't have dinner planned out so when we eat it, it's difficult to stay within my range for that day. Maybe my wife cooks something and forgets to count out what's in it so I'm not really sure how many calories I'm eating or we order a pizza where a couple of slices might put me over for the day.

It's not really a motivational thing as much as just happenstance life getting in the way here and there, which I accept as typical.

The weirdest thing I do is if I have a light breakfast and lunch, I get this thought in the back of my mind that my body needs more food than it does in reality, so I will eat something. As if I didn't have a snack right then, maybe my body would shut down from not getting enough energy.

I'll do this not because I feel hungry, not because I feel weak or sluggish, but because something in my mind *thinks* I need to eat a bit more even though the rational part of my brain knows that isn't true. It makes zero sense even to me but I self-sabotage myself a lot of days by doing this.
 
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