Moonie I just spent a long stretch of my day reading your diary and I am a bit worried about you. I am pretty sure you won't like what I am going to say, but I think it is important that you hear it, so I will post anyhow.
I know you are very young and still in college, still learning a lot every day. I am not much older to be honest but my life has taken me many places and I have developed an older soul, which is why I feel comfortable posting this.
You have written that you go to (at least one) psychiatrist and I was very glad to read that because you have some serious issues it seems. Food is not an enemy, you cannot be constantly blaming yourself for eating, for not exercising, for not working out enough. You are not enjoying anything if you are constantly upset, sweetheart. Reading your diary I was very moved by how much you are putting into this and how you will just crash and burn at some point. Your schedule is not maintainable in the long run and once you do not have the commodities you have now you will either need to adjust even more or gain weight, you should work on things that you could keep doing later on, that is why we call them healthy habits. If you worked on getting healthy habits now rather than being so "anal" about your food and energy consumption, you could reach a level where your body is happy and stays that shape, however if you eat 700 cals and expend 2000 a day, your body will break down at some point.
And from your very controlling personality I can see what made Natalie Jo post her first post, because I see in you what I see in many girls in the psych ward: girls who need that control so much that when they gain a few pounds they become anorexic or bulimic.
I finished college 2 years ago and I am back specialising right now (I went to medical school) and once you do not live with your parents anymore and hold down a full time job and possibly a partner (which you said you want so badly)... you won't be able to work out all the time, you will need to feel happy about what you eat and how you work out, you cannot beat yourself up all the time.
You are not making friends, finding a partner, feeling happy in your body not because you are ugly or fat, we have seen in numerous pictures that you are quite the opposite, but because you FEEL ugly and fat. And more than concentrate your issues onto your food and work outs I think you should focus on how to feel better. You look great! Now you need to feel great to match it! I am quite surprised your psychiatrist is not working on those issues with you to be honest, because when I see your pictures and read your "thoughts" I do not see a fat girl at all, I see a very very insecure girl who is trying to beat her insecurities with weight control. You are just projecting your fears onto your weight and thinking: the less I weigh the less insecure I will be.
I have similar issues, I am not hugely fat though I move in circles where skinny is the rule (I am not in Japan but I dance... pretty similar in body shape), I have had a partner for 5 years now, he is wonderful, and he loved me even at my biggest. But I did not. I did not love me at my biggest and I do not fully love me now. I am working on both my figure and my self esteem, because what people see when they look at you is usually not "oh look she is skinny" they think "oh wow, look how lovely her smile is" or "look how much fun she looks". I remember realizing that people were not looking at me, not because I was fat, but because I was ashamed, once I lift my head and smiled into the world, people would smile back.
I also like to overcontrol my food but when I worked full time for a year I realized that I was not always going to be able to control everything and actually because I felt good with myself I did not need that food control so badly.
I really wish you had someone who would encourage you to work on your self esteem with the same amazing dedication you work on your body.
Oh and finally I have to quote this
Also... I don't know if this is propaganda or rumors or whatever, but I'm not going to take any painkillers for anything ever. Ever. No more. Specifically NSAIDS. I've just heard (and seen) too many of the side effects and the long term damage it can have, and I've had it confirmed by one of my psychiatrists. So no matter what kind of pain I'm in, whether it's a headache, sinus pressure, or monthly cramps... I'm going to get through it cold turkey. That way, my body can build up it's own immune systems and next time I have cramps or a headache, it won't be so bad. That's the theory anyway. Of course, if I get into some kind of horrible accident, and I'm prescribed medicine, I'm not going to refuse to take it. I'm just not going to be popping pills for every little thing, you know?
It is completely incorrect, feeling pain does not make your body stronger, it makes it weaker. You don't see cancer patients being asked to just breathe through the pain because it may kill them. Of course tummy cramps won't kill you, but taking medicines is not bad, suffering however is.
I know I said a lot of things I am sure you did nto want to hear and I will not post anymore in your thread, you should be able to write in your diary without people being critical, but I feel it is my obligation in a way to let you know these things, because it is difficult to "see" you struggle.
I hope you have a great first week back at college, Camy
) says "What does this mean?" I say ohhh I hope it means family... and then him and the four other little guys start speaking another language and started laughing!! Oh god. All I could think was- shit. My tattoo says something like "cow squishes roller coaster" or something equally redic... Anyway, have fun in day 2!