Melting Me

[Hazel_Eyes]

Weight. It's amazing how the size of my body can have such an impact on the size of my spirit and self esteem. Food has been my greatest trial to date, and my inability to say no to it has destroyed more in my life then I could ever have thought possible. I've been like a locust, I just inhale everything in my path iggy: I am tired of believing that I am a victim, I am tired of letting my fat and food rule my relationships and happiness. I am ready to take control again. That is how I found this forum, and I am so incredibly excited to become a part of the community. I guess that this first entry will be a little bit about me, my goals, and how I hope to accomplish them.

Current Weight: 260lbs

Height: 5'5" also I am female if it wasn't apparent

Age: 22 years

How much weight do you want to lose: This is something that is causing me a bit of turmoil. I really want to weigh 135lbs. Yet everyone that knows me says that this is impossible. I haven't weighed that much since I was 12 years old. If you look at my album I posted 2 pictures of me before I gained weight. In those I weighed 175lbs. The skinniest I have been post puberty is 150lbs, but the majority of my life I have spent at 175lbs. Is 135lbs realistic?

What is the time frame in reaching my goal: I would like to get to 175lbs by January. I am taking a trip to see some high school friends. I was just back there for my sisters wedding, and have ballooned so much that they hardly recognized me. The shame I felt was unbearable. I want to stun them all and tote around a hot little bod! I don't have a specific time frame in mind for the last 40lbs to be honest. Right now it feels impossible to just get to my pre-weight gain weight! I'm kinda looking at the two as different journeys, in my mind it makes it feel a little less overwhelming.

How do you want to accomplish your goal: I am going to start by just eating healthy. For the last 3 years I have eaten at least one meal as fast food, usually it is two or more. And I drink an unimaginable amount of soda. It is the only liquid I take in. Coca cola is my liquid love. I am eating roughly 5,000-6,000 calories a day. I am also completely sedentary. The company I worked for recently imploded internally and I have been struggling to find another job. I pretty much spend my days being lazy. I am beyond ashamed of that, but I can't begin to move forward unless I am honest about where I am now.

My plan is to cut out all fast food. I am going to do the Paul McKenna 90 day challenge. I have stocked up on vegetables and fruits as well as whole grains. I like this stuff, I have just been lazy and not wanted to cook. I am also cutting out soda. This will honestly be the hardest thing for me to do. I am going to try to only drink water and sugar free juices.

As far as exercise goes I am going to start by riding my exercise bike for 30 minutes a day and walking for an hour. I do no fitness whatsoever at the moment so I want to start with something I will actually stick to. When I lose twenty pounds I am going to up the time on the bike to an hour. When I get to 200 lbs I want to start training for a 5k run. I was a long distance runner in high school and adored it so I know it is an activity I will love. When I get to 175lbs my husband gave me permission to join a gym. I will then start working on muscle as well as cardio.

How realistic is your goal: I'm not sure, right now it's hard to imagine even losing 10lbs. To be honest I have never truly applied myself to losing weight before.

When will you start: 3/27/2011

I started gaining weight when my family literally saved me from a destructive relationship with a man. He literally destroyed everything in my heart, and it was then that I learned to run to food with my emotions. I had lost the weight (about 20lbs) right before meeting my now husband and going to college. It was in college that I was hit with some really bad experiences in life, and in one year my weight went from 175lbs to 230lbs. The next year I gained an additional 30lbs. I've been sitting at this weight for about a year and a half now. I became depressed and would just hide away from the world in my house. Just going grocery shopping would cause unimaginable anxiety. I didn't used to be that way, it came with the weight. I was very outgoing and people loved being around me, but since I gained weight I am socially awkward and have no friends where I now live. I failed out of college because I couldn't bare classmates looking at me, so I didn't go. My husband is very athletic and handsome (played college baseball), but I am so large that he just can't bring himself to feel any attraction towards me. I'm married to the man of my dreams, yet because of my weight I feel like I am stuck in the 'friendship' status. My weight keeps me from doing the hobbies I love, making friends, having the marriage I want, feeling pretty and wearing cute clothes, pursuing my dreams and a career, but mostly my weight starves out any ability I have to love myself and pursue a good life for myself.

No more! I will melt away and the world won't know what hit them when my sexy little self comes strutting through. I want to have a fulfilling life, I want to make a difference. I guess the change starts with me.

 

[Penguinita]

Hey Hazel Eyes,

Let me just start by saying that you can get to 135lbs. Sure it wont be easy but its possible. The most natural weight I remember being was in the 155s, and lower 160s. I've been in the 140s for months, mostly because I let the hectic aspect of my life take over, but as of a few weeks ago I gained back my control. Anyway what I'm trying to say is that you can re-teach yourself how to live and how to make better choices so your natural weight is the one you want, be it 135 or what ever.

You and I are the same age!! I'm also 22! So huzza for 20year olds

You state that you want to be 175 by January ( A little over 10 lbs a month), which is an awesome goal but I think it's a little too much, at least too big of a goal to start off with. I find that my weight loss was most successful when I set smaller goals or goals that wouldn't take long to get, that way I was kept motivated.

I really like your motivation on getting on the healthy eating track, but don't bite off more than you can chew! If you've been craving something for days and days let yourself have a little bit of it. The main lesson I learned in all of this is to learn to control oneself in portions and types of food. But moderation is key!

I'm sorry you had such a destructive experience that made you fall into such a depression, through this journey I hope you learn to love yourself! I'll be glad to help any way I can. This forum is awesome, so much information at your fingertips and if you have questions just ask!!

My last tip! Don't take the scale so seriously when you have your weigh ins! There are so many factors that can make you go up a lot (like bloating from eating too much salt the day before or just PMS) or make you go down a lot (like being dehydrated). Also measure yourself that way you have two ways of tracking your progress. I've seen myself loose inches and not loose weight. Like this little Plateau I was on, I was in the 144-149 range but I went from a 29inch waist to 28.5.

I hope this helps Good luck!! I wish you a ton of success !!!

 

[Hazel_Eyes]

Thank you so much for the response! I figured being 175lbs by January was pushing it. It's probably over ambitious, I have always been accused of being an optimist

Perhaps you can give me some advice on the allowing myself a little bit of some of the things I crave. I have been working on this aspect of me for a long time, but I am an all or nothing sort of girl. So whenever I eat something that is considered 'bad' I feel like an absolute failure and that I ruined everything, so I think since I already screwed up I might as well eat everything I want and start again tomorrow. I am very weak when given the opportunity with food. My relationship with food is twisted, and one that I have been to counseling for. I guess I'm saying that I just don't trust myself with little cheats. Do you have any advice?

Thanks again for the comment and the advice Penguinita It encourages me so much!

 

[Penguinita]

Hey Hazel Eyes I'm really glad to help anyway I can!

As for the little cheats, I find getting portion control ready packages helps. Like I <3 oreos, but I wont eat them out of the regular package, they have to be in those portion control ones that are like 210 calories or the mini that are only 130! Also I love chocolate and mint patties, and I found this box that only has 5 little cookies in each segment, so I let myself have all five! Its only 135 calories, if I feel like eating one more than its only 160 calories. And I eat my fun stuff so slowly! LOL Savoring it. Also by eating it slowly I found out that I actually didn't like some of the junk food I'd stuff in my mouth. Like most chips, I tried to eat that slowly and found myself wondering "WTF I like this?".

What are those foods that make you feel guilty?

One thing you have to change is to stop viewing food as a emotional outlet! Food shouldn't make you feel guilty (that took me a while to get). If you're angry, upset or just bored put some little save switches on (Its what I call them, not sure if it's actually a correct word, anyhow, boredom is what did it for me). Like when I'm feeling slightly bored it is always accompanied by hunger (still! Even after 2 years) so to make sure its not actual hunger I do something! Anything! Be it walking in place while watching TV, doing jumping jacks in front of the TV, taking out the vacuum, organizing stuff, washing dishes. You'd be amazed at all the things there is to do just in your house at any given time (well at least in my house). I know at first it'll look funny, (my mom still makes fun of me) but if I find myself doing nothing I start jumping the phantom rope (i.e. jumping rope w/out a rope, I refuse to pay 7 dollars for rope!). And OMG, you will feel the burn Jumping rope even after a minute!

You have already taken the step to stop eating fast foods and after a year I noticed how much I don't like it. This was back when I was an undergrad and my mother and I were starving! So why not McDonald's since it was the only thing close and cheap. But walking in the restaurant the smell of the food made me nauseated, I only ordered a chicken sandwich but because of that smell I took a bite and felt like hurling and ate no more.
Another thing you might notice is that if you cut out foods heavy in fat for a while and then try to eat them your body will reject it!! Something that never happened when I used to eat food heavy in fats was that my skin started oozing out oil and I had the worst diarrhea in my life-- I thought it was food poisoning but my brothers, mother and father all were fine and ate from the same pile! They were still eating foods heavy in fat and I wasn't. Word of Caution!! Don't cut out all fats!!! Moderation is key, keep a balanced amount of everything in your life.

Have you started to keep a food log? It'll be really helpful.

Also, don't rely on diet alone. I know it can be done, but the journey will be harder and slower if you do it by diet alone. Try incorporating a little exercise here and there. I don't mean like go out and run a 5k, but walking more than usual, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. If you have to drive park as far away from the door as possible. I work in an office at the moment and I start walking in place while type (a little weird), if I have to reach for the file cabinets I get up to open them (the cabinets are only a few inches away from my desk). Little things like that will go a long way.

 

[Tally29]

I think you could lose a lot of weight by January but I don't know you will get to your goal BUT you will be smaller then you are today and no doubt feel more confident! I think your exercise and eating goals sound really good.

You can also working out at home. Buy some 5-10 pound weights and start looking on youtube for workout ideas. I really like the toneitup girls channel. Start with small workouts and when you feel like its getting easier change the workout. Re-evaluate what you are eating and your exercise occasionally and change it up if you feel like you need to.

Also you really want to take this pretty slow because your skin needs time to tighten up as well and you want to drink plenty of water to hydrate it.

You can definitely do this! Good luck!

 

[Hazel_Eyes]

Thank you everyone! The guilt is with any food that has carbs or sugars, from cakes to mashed potatoes to just a slice of cheese. I feel like since I am overweight I have no right to consume anything other then veggies and fruits. Almost like that is my deserved punishment for gluttony. I am working really hard on changing that mindset though! Skinny people eat all sorts of things, they just do it in moderation. I must learn to do the same. Thank you for the helpful tips! I do know food and my emotions have been tied very close together. I am working on it with a counselor though. I want to put this behind me, I want so badly to interact with food as just a means of fuel and not as my emotional buddy to get me through unpleasant feelings. I will beat this.

As far as exercise goes I have an exercise bike. I plan on using it daily as well as walking to start with. I will rest on the weekends. I go into more details in my first post on my exercise plan. As I lose weight I know I will increase my exercise, but I've been so sedentary I might as well claim to have been sedated for the last year so I am trying my best to not start out with too much. I want to stick to it! I eventually will take running back up, I loved distance running before. I have wanted to run a marathon since I was a preteen, so why not go for it.

I know for me today will be the hardest day. I can't tell you how many times I start a day thinking "I am going to start eating healthy today" and before noon resolved myself to pushing it off til tomorrow. I have spent a couple of years thinking this every day! Well not today, today I FINALLY begin that journey. I have already made it longer then I normally do. I know for me starting will be the hardest part. It's that way for me in lots of things. It is so hard to start things that once I do I can't bring myself to stop because of going through the pain of starting. It's been that way with painting to cleaning my house to all sorts of things. Does that make sense?

I was proud of myself, we had a potluck at church today. I spent the last 3 hours surrounded by cheesy, greasy casseroles and piles of the most wonderful desserts baked by elderly women who have perfected the fine art of making food irresistibly yummy tasting. But I resisted, yay! And the feeling is way better then if I had eaten two plates of that stuff. I had 2 strawberries and 4 pieces of pineapple. I knew I was truly hungry, I am lucky in that when I am feeling true hunger my tummy is very vocal. I focused very hard on only eating until I felt a polite fullness. I was amazed at how little it took. It also felt weird to feel satisfied without feeling pain. I way over stuff myself every meal. I mean it when I say my calories and portions have been out of control. I say it took me a year to go from 175 to 230, but that is rounded up. It took me from September until May to put it on, during the school year. I gained so fast.

Today will be the hardest, I just need to make it through today.