iwannabethin
New member
Before proceeding, I want you to know, that I am aware of how long this is. But I've confessed my bones out (well, kind of!) and even if ONE person read this, it would make me feel much better and less suicidal.
I was around nine years old when I weighed 29 kilos (64 pounds) and by the time I was ten, and almost hitting puberty, I had jumped to 35 kilos (77 pounds). I'm twenty-one today. I am 5 ft 2 inches and weigh 140 pounds. Ever since I stood on that weighing scale ten years ago, I don't remember a time that I woke up and slept without feeling miserably fat, and I don't remember eating without the feeling of guilt. Mind you, I don't go around talking about my body to people because I don't like coming off as booby and whiny, but - I cry like a baby when I look at myself in the mirror. I always had lovely friends, I was a good student, I was friendly and I participated in several competitions throughout school and I always landed first place! But - sports, pah! I never participated because I wasn't comfortable with wearing shorts on my thunder thighs. However, I got several compliments for my looks. The most popular boy in school (whom I was madly in love with since I was eight years old but didn't tell anyone) actually asked me out. I did go out with him
but wondered whether he thought I was fat. When I would ask him, he'd say 'you're normal’. Notice he never said I was thin . Anyway, he left the country so we had to end our relationship. I missed him loads of course and felt he that no one else could love a fat girl like me the way he did, or something like that.
However, I never enjoyed any attention I got because I felt any type of focus on me, meant focus on my body. And as I grew older, I started to feel that people just liked me because they thought I was pretty and smart but no one really looked beneath that. No one realised that I had to constantly fight with the strengths of all the gods and goddesses to find the normal confidence it took to achieve something. I didn't study or do well in activities to please others. I did it because I enjoyed it. When it began sinking in how alone I felt, I slowly distanced myself from most people and my grades started dropping. My teachers pushed me, and told me I could do better but I couldn't get myself to care. I missed my ex-boyfriend. More than anything I began loathing my figure yet I couldn't stop eating. By this time, friends, teachers, everyone started telling me that I was gaining weight. It hurt loads because it was my biggest weakness and it was stopping me from doing a lot of things. I then realised how throughout my school life, despite all my accomplishments and popularity, the one thing that burdened me was a hatred for my body. I remembered how it felt being ten years old and 35 kilos and here I was - 17 and still fat. Fatter even. As a preteen and teenager, I did a LOT of yo-yo dieting. I didn't read much about health and fitness so binged and purged and believed it was a smart way to maintain weight. I had will power but I never committed myself. Why? I don't know. I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't battling my insecurities. Whenever I set out to achieve something, I always did. I have always been a fighter. But lose weight I couldn't. And to date, I remember every single time that someone told me I’ve put on weight.
After high school, I took a year gap and decided not to goto college. Why? Because I wanted to lose weight! I know it's crazy but back then, it made sense. I didn't tell anyone the reason though and people often wondered why I chose not to goto college. I didn't really care what they thought. And guess what? I LOST 16 POUNDS! I was down from 136 to 120 pounds. That was 10 pounds away from my target weight. However, I did it without exercising. Once I hit the weight loss plateau, and my weight stopped coming down, I began feeling miserable again and started binging. In a week, I gained 2-3 pounds and within two months, I was back to 130 I felt like such a loser. Anyway, a year later, I joined up a diploma programme at a college far away from home where I made wonderful friends. The social life and studies again got underway. I began thinking less about my figure. But – people often made comments about my body. Some nicely - that I look cute even if I’m chubby. Some not-so-nicely, would give me exercising tips. And you all must know how it feels like when someone else points at the one weakness of yours you are tired of fighting. So again - I started to hate my body and got into binging and purging. And I’d like to mention that because of the stress of studies and being away from home, I started suffering from hormonal ups and downs. I developed thick facial hair underneath my chin. That just tore me apart. I stopped socializing. I don’t even want to begin describing what it felt like. Being a fat twenty year old FEMALE with beard. I completely quit taking care of myself. I would eat more than ever (gained a further 6-8 pounds) and never exercised. I hated life. I thought every achievement I ever made was pointless. I started believing my future was lost, that no man was going to marry me because I was unemployed and had no university education and I had beard and I was FAT! I quit school despite getting straight As in all my modules and went back home. I stopped staying in touch with my friends. The loneliness started killing me so much that one day I attempted suicide. Of course, unsuccesfully. It’s when I thought even death was not going to rescue me. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted a way out. So my parents helped. They remained as close to me as my skin. I refused to see a psychiatrist. I wanted to rely on them and myself to get well. Dad paid for a hair removal laser treatment despite its cost. That got taken care of so I should leave it there. It hurts to think about it. I slowly got back to what I loved. I started writing and even got nationally and internationally published. I travelled a bit. When I returned (around end of 2005), I could choose between continuing college or working. I chose neither and decided I should work towards losing weight. It hasn’t helped. I STILL binge and purge. I STILL dislike my body. I joined a gym in February, but stopped going. I don’t know why. I thought I wouldn’t lose weight. I lost a little but gained it again. I’ve been going on and off since then without committing to a low-calorie diet. I’ve become very energetic but I haven’t lost weight. After a year of going through emotional hell, it feels great to be able to get out of bed and clear my mind and realise that there is a future out there for me. But when I look at my body, I still hate it. I love fashion so much but what’s the point when nothing looks good one me. (I’m a UK size 12 – 14 and I’m short) I feel like I’m watching life go by instead of participating in it. While making myself feel better, I’ve even changed my taste buds. I’ve quit white bread, fizzy drinks and burgers, but chocolate is my weakness. If I have a piece, I end up having the whole bar. One bar leads me to chips, chips leads me to french friends, etc. I end up in self-loathing. Sometimes I’m not even hungry but I want to eat. I have tried replacing that habit but it’s not difficult to fall back on to.
I want to try and confess to someone but I'm embarrassed. If my friends read this entry, they’d be surprised because I normally come off as very friendly, happy, and confident. Not someone who is into looking her best. That’s REALLY not true. Being slim is probably a lifelong dream. I want help. The depression might seep in again and cause me to kill myself. Other than seeing a psychiatrist, what suggestions would you give? How do some extremely obese people lose weight and mildly overweight people like me don't?
I was around nine years old when I weighed 29 kilos (64 pounds) and by the time I was ten, and almost hitting puberty, I had jumped to 35 kilos (77 pounds). I'm twenty-one today. I am 5 ft 2 inches and weigh 140 pounds. Ever since I stood on that weighing scale ten years ago, I don't remember a time that I woke up and slept without feeling miserably fat, and I don't remember eating without the feeling of guilt. Mind you, I don't go around talking about my body to people because I don't like coming off as booby and whiny, but - I cry like a baby when I look at myself in the mirror. I always had lovely friends, I was a good student, I was friendly and I participated in several competitions throughout school and I always landed first place! But - sports, pah! I never participated because I wasn't comfortable with wearing shorts on my thunder thighs. However, I got several compliments for my looks. The most popular boy in school (whom I was madly in love with since I was eight years old but didn't tell anyone) actually asked me out. I did go out with him
but wondered whether he thought I was fat. When I would ask him, he'd say 'you're normal’. Notice he never said I was thin . Anyway, he left the country so we had to end our relationship. I missed him loads of course and felt he that no one else could love a fat girl like me the way he did, or something like that. However, I never enjoyed any attention I got because I felt any type of focus on me, meant focus on my body. And as I grew older, I started to feel that people just liked me because they thought I was pretty and smart but no one really looked beneath that. No one realised that I had to constantly fight with the strengths of all the gods and goddesses to find the normal confidence it took to achieve something. I didn't study or do well in activities to please others. I did it because I enjoyed it. When it began sinking in how alone I felt, I slowly distanced myself from most people and my grades started dropping. My teachers pushed me, and told me I could do better but I couldn't get myself to care. I missed my ex-boyfriend. More than anything I began loathing my figure yet I couldn't stop eating. By this time, friends, teachers, everyone started telling me that I was gaining weight. It hurt loads because it was my biggest weakness and it was stopping me from doing a lot of things. I then realised how throughout my school life, despite all my accomplishments and popularity, the one thing that burdened me was a hatred for my body. I remembered how it felt being ten years old and 35 kilos and here I was - 17 and still fat. Fatter even. As a preteen and teenager, I did a LOT of yo-yo dieting. I didn't read much about health and fitness so binged and purged and believed it was a smart way to maintain weight. I had will power but I never committed myself. Why? I don't know. I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't battling my insecurities. Whenever I set out to achieve something, I always did. I have always been a fighter. But lose weight I couldn't. And to date, I remember every single time that someone told me I’ve put on weight.
After high school, I took a year gap and decided not to goto college. Why? Because I wanted to lose weight! I know it's crazy but back then, it made sense. I didn't tell anyone the reason though and people often wondered why I chose not to goto college. I didn't really care what they thought. And guess what? I LOST 16 POUNDS! I was down from 136 to 120 pounds. That was 10 pounds away from my target weight.
However, I did it without exercising. Once I hit the weight loss plateau, and my weight stopped coming down, I began feeling miserable again and started binging. In a week, I gained 2-3 pounds and within two months, I was back to 130 I felt like such a loser. Anyway, a year later, I joined up a diploma programme at a college far away from home where I made wonderful friends. The social life and studies again got underway. I began thinking less about my figure. But – people often made comments about my body. Some nicely - that I look cute even if I’m chubby. Some not-so-nicely, would give me exercising tips. And you all must know how it feels like when someone else points at the one weakness of yours you are tired of fighting. So again - I started to hate my body and got into binging and purging. And I’d like to mention that because of the stress of studies and being away from home, I started suffering from hormonal ups and downs. I developed thick facial hair underneath my chin. That just tore me apart. I stopped socializing. I don’t even want to begin describing what it felt like. Being a fat twenty year old FEMALE with beard. I completely quit taking care of myself. I would eat more than ever (gained a further 6-8 pounds) and never exercised. I hated life. I thought every achievement I ever made was pointless. I started believing my future was lost, that no man was going to marry me because I was unemployed and had no university education and I had beard and I was FAT! I quit school despite getting straight As in all my modules and went back home. I stopped staying in touch with my friends. The loneliness started killing me so much that one day I attempted suicide. Of course, unsuccesfully. It’s when I thought even death was not going to rescue me. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted a way out. So my parents helped. They remained as close to me as my skin. I refused to see a psychiatrist. I wanted to rely on them and myself to get well. Dad paid for a hair removal laser treatment despite its cost. That got taken care of so I should leave it there. It hurts to think about it. I slowly got back to what I loved. I started writing and even got nationally and internationally published. I travelled a bit. When I returned (around end of 2005), I could choose between continuing college or working. I chose neither and decided I should work towards losing weight. It hasn’t helped. I STILL binge and purge. I STILL dislike my body. I joined a gym in February, but stopped going. I don’t know why. I thought I wouldn’t lose weight. I lost a little but gained it again. I’ve been going on and off since then without committing to a low-calorie diet. I’ve become very energetic but I haven’t lost weight. After a year of going through emotional hell, it feels great to be able to get out of bed and clear my mind and realise that there is a future out there for me. But when I look at my body, I still hate it. I love fashion so much but what’s the point when nothing looks good one me. (I’m a UK size 12 – 14 and I’m short) I feel like I’m watching life go by instead of participating in it. While making myself feel better, I’ve even changed my taste buds. I’ve quit white bread, fizzy drinks and burgers, but chocolate is my weakness. If I have a piece, I end up having the whole bar. One bar leads me to chips, chips leads me to french friends, etc. I end up in self-loathing. Sometimes I’m not even hungry but I want to eat. I have tried replacing that habit but it’s not difficult to fall back on to. I want to try and confess to someone but I'm embarrassed. If my friends read this entry, they’d be surprised because I normally come off as very friendly, happy, and confident. Not someone who is into looking her best. That’s REALLY not true. Being slim is probably a lifelong dream. I want help. The depression might seep in again and cause me to kill myself. Other than seeing a psychiatrist, what suggestions would you give? How do some extremely obese people lose weight and mildly overweight people like me don't?
