Madrone's Journal

Madrone

Madrone

New member
In brief, my goals are:

  1. To eat a healthy, balanced diet
  2. To do cardio exercise at least three times a week
  3. To incorporate yoga, ultimately creating a daily practice
  4. To lose a total of 70 pounds, maintaining a weight of 130-135
  5. To find something besides soda and crunchy foods to deal with stress

That's enough to go on with. I've been severely overwieght for almost 10 years, but since I started teaching two years ago, I've gained 25 pounds and can't seem to stop. With summer coming, I want to create a healthy habit that I can sustain throughout the school year. The thing that has surprised me the most about teaching is the stress and how poorly I handle it.

That must change!

Short term goals - to go to the gym on weekends and work in yoga at least once during the week. To choose something healthy for breakfast. 70 pounds, one meal at a time!

~Madrone
 
Monday, April 28

Today was a horrid day. Students were wild, the weather is wild (tornado warnings during school), no one, including me, wants to work. I have to dig deep to find the will to be disciplined at school.

Consequently, I'm short on will this evening. Gah. It is incredibly overwhelming. Remembering my One Meal and a Time credo -

Breakfast: Coffee, bottled water, one Quaker Oatmeal Square
Lunch: Personal size veggie pizza and soda (thin crust, peppers, onion, tomato, mushroom, black olive)
Dinner: Taco salad (lots of veggie fixin's, very lean beef), soda

Am trying to work in at least two more bottles of water this evening.

One problem with being a teacher on block scheduling and a floater is that I can't always go to the bathroom when I need to - so I cut back on my water intake during the day. Next year, hopefully, will be better!

One meal at a time, one day at a time.

Oh, and I also worked in 20 minutes of yoga. One small step . . .
 
Questions from the Sticky answered . .

What is your current height and weight?
5-2 210lbs

If you were at an ideal weight now, what would that weight be? 135

At what weight would you like to be at four months from now? 180

Why do you want to lose weight? Healthy, fitness, I get too winded

What obstacles could get between you and your weight loss goals?
Motivation, stress, school (teaching)

Why do you think that you now have a weight problem?
Motivation, stress, poor coping skills, bad examples (parents)

What lifestyle changes do you think would help you lose weight?
Learning to deal with stress in a positive way, making healthy choices, getting active

Have you lost weight in the past? If so, what has worked in the past to help you lose weight?
I lost 15 pounds on both Atkins and Weight Watchers and have gained that plus 10. It's the stress and emotional eating that gets me.

Why do you believe that you did not lose weight or you gained the weight back?
See above

Would you try writing down all food and drink consumed for a given period of time?
I have done this, but I'm horrible about being consistent. I am trying that again, now.

Do you cook at home often? If so, what do you cook?
Most days. I have a busy schedule with taking and teaching classes, so I will eat out three days a week or so. When I cook, I will cook pasta, mexican, grilled chicken and lean ground beef for meats, mostly, salads in the summer, some soups in the winter. I'm not good with vegetables, but try to add things like asparagus and red potatoes, lots of tomatoes and red/yellow peppers, whole grains (rice, pasta), etc. My downfall is chips and soda.


How often do you go out to eat? Where do you go?
3 times per week. Pizza, chick fil a and sea food.

What are your three favorite foods?
Pizza/spaghetti, fajitas and brown rice

What are your three favorite restaurants?
Hmmmm, any good mexican restaurant (must have good, fresh, salsa), chick fil a and a local pizza place.

What are three things you can do differently when it comes to food?
Smaller portions, cut out chips and fried foods and reduce the amount of soda I drink (2-4 per day)


If you woke up tomorrow and your body was exactly the way you want it, what would be different?
I would be fit, flexible, healthy and 135 pounds. I could wear a size 10 again, I could dance, jog or climb the stairs without needing a lie-down.


Do you eat when you are not hungry?
Yes

Do you binge eat (large amounts at a time)?
Yes

Do you hide your food or eat in secret?
Yes

Do you eat when you are sad, nervous, or depressed?
Yes

Do you eat as a reward?
Oh, yes

Do you eat while watching TV or using the computer?
sometimes

What do you normally eat for a meal?
depends - very little bread, but frequent pasta and brown rice, chicken breast (grilled), veggies, spaghetti,) usually decent serving sizes


What type of snacks do you eat?
Chips, candy, occasional ice cream


In terms of exercise, what, if anything, are you currently doing?
Very little. Walking, rare yoga and/or weight training

Where do you go for exercise? A local public gym? School/work gym? Home?
Home. Gym - rarely


What, if anything, are your three favorite types of exercise?
Walking, yoga, swimming (wish I had access to a decent pool)

What is your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly motivation to move towards your goals?
??

Do you have rewards for certain goals?
I have some great dresses I could wear if I'd lose 35 lbs. Shopping for clothes more easily
 
Reasons to stay fat

In response to a sticky on the media forum, I came up with my 25 reasons I want to be fat (some are variations on a theme):

The reason I want to be fat is:

1. It lets me not be seen
2. It keeps me from having to be a leader
3. it lets me surprise people – they don’t expect me to be competent and I am
4. I like to fly under the radar and be noticed when *I* choose and *for what* I choose
5. it is a control issue
6. I am out of control with my weight because it lets me control other things
7. people expect less of me
8. I expect less of myself
9. I don’t have to be trendy
10. I don’t have to reject men – it’s a pain in the a**
11. I can live in my head – where I can control it – and don’t have to live so much in the world
12. I can eat whatever I want – or things I don’t want
13. Food is an outlet for enjoyment
14. it keeps me depressed and safe in the isolation I knew as a child
15. isolation is a key point – not being seen, noticed, involved
16. it keeps people at a distance until I decide to let them in
17. Man, is it a control thing or what?
18. I don’t get what I need or want (I feel) in other areas of my life, so I give myself food things I think I shouldn’t have
19. it feels decadent
20. it’s almost like a contest with myself to see how gross I can be
21. I don’t know how to be thin
22. it seems like too much work – I don’t want to think about what I can’t have
23. my father hated it when women were overweight – he kept on my mom about it all the time. I am still rebelling against him and our thin-obsessed culture
24. I want thinness to answer many problems and I am afraid it won’t
25. because I can be



So there. It boils down to control in a lot of ways. I'd say the three biggest issues are 21, 15 and 4. 23 is a biggie, too. But mostly my insulation of fat has kept me from attracting unwanted attention. When I first came out in school, it became a pain to be noticed by men and have to defend why I didn't want their attention. It forced me to be rude or "out" and I hated that. I guess at 37 it might not be such an issue anymore, but I fear the rejection that often comes when people realize you're gay (or opinionated or intelligent or not what they want in some way - it isn't so much a gay issue as it is a rejection issue). I use my weight to prevent that.

I think I knew this already. It didn't seem so much like a lightbulb going off as it seemed like all the pieces came together. I'm not sure what to do - I fear exposure on a very deep level and weight loss isn't going to take until I am okay with being exposed.

On the bright side, I am down two pounds today. And I've been to the gym two days in a row, cardio and alternating weight machines.

Go me!
 
It is never too late . . .

to be a better person than the one you were yesterday. And it's a good thing.

I am so tired of myself right now! I have to figure out why I resist taking healthier foods for lunch - it seems so much easier to dash out and buy fast food, but it isn't, really, and I get sick of it. So why do I resist?

Resist or serve, right?

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are tough. I have evening classes on Tuesdays, and I am gone from 7AM until 930 PM. If I don't prepare a lunch on Monday, I end up junk fooding for lunch on Tuesday and then eating out something very fast between workday and school night. To compound it, I then don't have anything prepared for lunch on Wednesday. So the drama continues. I live about 20 minutes from where I work, and both are about 20 minutes (in different directions) from a town with enough stores where i could run in and buy a pre-made salad or deli sandwich or something more reasonable. So between geography and my own stubborn lack of planning, I am maintaining an unhealthy 208.5.

Luckily, we have 17 more days of school and I'll be able to re-focus. This is the most draining job I've ever known. By August, my goal is to have habits in place so that when I'm dragging from overwork, I won't be adding to my overweight.

Heh. I'm the slogan queen today. Ugh.
 
Welcome to your diary!
One of my closest friends just started to teach last September and man is that stressful! I work as a nanny and it is near impossible to get my 4 in line, I can´t imagine having to do it with 20 or 30 of them!

I would like to start doing yoga but right now I am a bit lazy. I got a band and ball workout from a friend and I am tempted to do it, but then I would rather lie around and do nothing.
I wish you strength to pull this through (you don't need luck, just strength and determination). With me I had tried to do it a few times before but in January something clicked and I have lost almost 20 pounds since.
Have a great day, Camy
 
Measurements

Oy! May 12, 2008


Bust 46

Chest 39

Waist 43

Hips 53

Thighs 25L 26R

Calves 18L 17 R

Upper Arms 14L 14R

Forearms 11L 11R

Have to think more about that later.
 
Hey, Madrone. Just read through your diary. I also replied to your other post about motivation. I think it might be a good thing for you to revisit this diary. Good or bad, it keeps things going. Just visit each day and say what's going on. We're here to help, and we will.
 
Just keep saying to yourself . . . "It's Tuesday"

I am sitting here, drinking my cup of coffee, working up to going to the gym this morning. I had posted on another thread about what a hard time I'm having with motivation and how I seem to keep willfully repeating the patterns that put me at 75 lbs overweight. Then something happened. A little thing.

I bumped across an old friend on line, someone I haven't seen in half a hundred years it seems. And seeing that face looking back at me made me ashamed of myself. The little scattered pieces of me started clicking into place - not all of them, but some big ones - and I suddenly realized how far away I've gotten from the person I wanted to be. It is a harsh feeling to see where you're standing and be able to see all the little, thoughtless steps that brought you here, then to see where you want to be shining way over that hill over there.

One of the big challenges I fight is knowing that if I pursue my fitness goals then I'm going to have to make big changes to my relationship. It's scary to know that the person you've built your life with may really choose their own bad habits over you. Does that really happen? It doesn't matter. I don't like who I've become and I have to rely on me to fix that.

So anyway, some good insights this week. More tomorrow.
 
Wednesday

:banghead:

The brick wall represents my unrealistic expectations.

Not the expectations of what I am capable of, but the expectations of of how things should change without me having to do anything! Cheesecake should have fewer calories, but still taste the same. Regular cola shouldn't have any calories. I could go on . . .

Keep moving. Gym this morning.
 
Baby steps, Maddy. Getting to the gym is a real good start. Keep it up and the rest will fall into place.
 
Today is in effect day three. I've been to the gym two days, cardio both days and alternating arm and leg work outs. On day three I want to make excuses. It's too hot. I'm bored with it, I don't like to exercise, the gym is too crowded, why bother, how will this make a difference? I have a real talent for this and could go on for days. So, to counter, why do I want to lose weight and get in shape?

To feel better about myself
To set a good example for my students. I feel so hypocritical telling them they have to be disciplined and work at getting better at something when I throw in the towel after three days.
To not feel ashamed when I think about where I wanted to be.

Those are three enormous reasons. See above for many more.

Today is Thursday. On Monday morning I want to have been to the gym three more times, to have included produce at every meal, to have drank three 10 oz bottles of water each day, and to have gone to church on Sunday. If I work out Th, Fri & Sat, sunday can be an off day.
 
What grade do you teach? When does school let out for the summer? Do you have off or work in the summer?
 
Hey there Madrone! Good reasons for wanting to get in shape - bring them to mind when temptation hits and ask yourself which you want more - the immediate reward of food or lounging, or the longterm rewards that putting the goodies down and getting exercise brings. (That's the pot calling the kettle black as willpower failed and I went out for nachos last night, but thinking that was has helped at other times for me!)

You can do this. For so many good reason, you can do it.
 
Here I am

Trops - thanks for asking. We had a week-long training for new technology in our classrooms and I got out of the habit of coming here. For some reason I've stopped receiving notices when someone responds to me here. How are things with you? I teach 8th and 9th grade at a 6-12 campus. We have the summer off (unless you choose to teach summer school, but I am not certified in math, so I can't - which does not bother me!).

I'm still hovering at 209-210. Gas has gotten so high that I had to stop going to the gym (40 miles round trip), but school starts back again in three weeks, so payday is coming! My neighbor has an elliptical machine and I started using it this week. Those things will show you in a hurry just how out of shape you are! I am up from barely making a whole minute to over three - that sounds so sad, but is major progress.

I'm trying not to get too down on myself for missing weight goals for the summer. I have done a good job with other goals - less soda, more water, using yoga and meditation to deal with stress (and boredom!) instead of eating. As school starts, that alone should help with some weight loss.

I've also mapped out plans for healthier eating/drinking at school. I bought the coolest, giant lunchbox that will make lunching more fun. One thing I miss about not eating out is that meals are less . . . memorable. So I bought a lunch box that will let me take my good, deep salad bowl, cold water, juice, dressing, a real napkin, a fork and still have room for an apple or granola or something fun. There's something about the set up, the production of it, that I like.

Today I created an account at sparkpeople.com and have been reading blogs like almostfit for inspiration. Fitday always seemed awkward to me, so sparkpeople seems a better fit for tracking calories. It is listed as Madrone16 and I think I chose a public tracker. I need to add the link to my signature.

So, we're off!
 
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Sunday

I've been using the sparkpeople.com web site to track calories, vitamins, minerals, water intake, etc., and so far it's working really well. It seems more Madrone-friendly than Fit Day, which seemed like it took forever to find specific foods to add to the journal.

I am very deficient in vitamins and minerals. Though calorie, fiber and carb intake is pretty even since i started, I can see clearly that I need to add fruits to my diet to increase those minerals and some vitamins. Even when I think I've added some good veggie/fruit, I still have some gaping holes.

Today was one of those trigger days and I didn't realize the source of my emotional stress until the day was almost over. My choices were not the best, but I managed to stay within my calorie range. One thing I did notice was that I was able to get past potato chip craving by munching on a handful of crispy cereal. My favorite is Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds, which is not a great breakfast choice when you could choose something with much higher fiber (HBOO does not keep me full if I eat it for breakfast), but as a quick snack it beats a bag of chips hands down. The flakes are so thin and crispy that they crunch in a very satisfying way, but the granola and almonds have just enough substance that it isn't entirely empty calories. And it has the bonus of some vitamin/mineral content, too.

The main thing is that I can keep some of the cereal on hand at school for a quick crunch fix without hitting the convenience store for a bag of chips and a coke on the way home. That of itself will cut at least 15-1700 calories a week off of what I was consuming during the school year.
 
Hi there! :)

It's nice to see that you're still posting. I know how frustrating that it can be in the beginning. For me, I've found that small changes in my diet over some time make a huge difference! The one I'm working on now is cutting out all of my cola intake and replacing it with water. The reason that is my first obstacle is because for me, that happens to take a lot of the bulge out of my belly! I like not being bloated and cola (even diet) tends to make my belly bigger.

Isn't yoga awesome!? I've always fancied thinking about being one of those lean, strong women you see in the yoga videos...I've got quite a ways to go but watching them really makes me motivated ;)

I'm really looking forward to hearing about more of your progress. Just know that I'm right there with you trying to kick start my way to a healthier life. Take care!

Grace
 
Hey, there. Glad to see you on here. I think you can change your notification on your UserCP (control panel.) Check the subscription and see if you can change it to daily. You should be able to get an email each time you get an update.

I tried to do Fit Day, too and it didn't really do it for me. So much plugging everything in and then I would have problems with not eating because I didn't want to add anything. Hopefully sparkpeople is good for you.

I love cereal as a snack. I used to eat a bowl of ice cream before bed while reading. Now it's usually nothing but if I have that urge I'll have a bowl of high fiber cereal. I'll also pack a baggie of cereal for the car when taking a trip. It's a pretty good snack when you feel like crunching. Helps me keep from looing at every donut shop on the road.
 
Sometimes I just feel . . . dense

Hey, Trops! Good to hear from you.

Today I realized (here's the dense part) that there were a wealth of exercise videos waiting for me on You Tube. Duh! Today I tried 15 minutes of tae bo - which was the warm up and intro, but really worked up a sweat for me. The variety is endless. So there's one hurdle jumped!

Tracking on sparkpeople can be a bit labor intensive, but hopefully I'll be able to access it from school (a lot of sites are blocked based on type!). If I have to wait until evening to input everything, it may not last, but the process is still working. Figuring out the balance of calories is tricky, but I added fruit smoothie and a whole wheat english muffin today.

One meal at a time.
 
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