Low Self Esteem and Weightloss Challenges

[angel <3]

Sorry this is so long - but I really need some help

I'm 27 years old. I have kinda low self esteem most of the time. I go back and forth between feeling great about myself and feeling terrible. I have trust issues b/c of ex husband cheating on me. And he used to constantly turn me down when dressing in lingerie and then I would find him hiding in the computer room sneaking porn. I struggled with weight my whole life but got down to 199 before marrying him. (I am 5'9" and have large boobs and big butt, so my waist line was looking great at that weight - think 175 would be perfect goal for me) During the marriage filled with emotional abuse I gained it all back and more all the way up to 330 lbs. With being turned down so he could watch porn instead of have the real thing - I started comparing myself to other women constantly. I told myself things like I wasn't good enough and that no matter what man I might be with after divorce - they will all sneak peaks at other women and lie about porn to me like he did b/c they will all prefer to get off to someone else rather than me. My boyfriend of over 1+1/2 years says he would never do those things to me - and that if I'm not ok with porn then he would consider himself cheating to look at it behind my back. I mostly believe him "in my heart"... but my mind is so screwed up. I'm in therapy for it. So far I have gotten back down to 248 (so 82 lbs lost).... but I'm really struggling now. Part of me feels like I can't do it b/c I am afraid to be happy - feel like happiness always ends anyway, so why try to have it again? And part of me feels like no matter what I look like, any guy will go watch stuff behind my back anyway - b/c my exhusband did it even when I looked really great. If I ever get back down to the 100's - will this issue of distrust and anxiety of being hurt like that fade away? Has anyone here experienced this issue of constantly comparing themselves and hating other women on tv b/c of it?

 

[angel <3]

oh yeah....

... also, I have asthma and really bad knees - so any tips on how to exercise around those would be helpful too. I can't really "run" b/c I have "exercise induced asthma" and I have bad attacks when I exert myself too much. I try to do little 'bouts of jogging mixed with walking... but I feel so embarrassed doing that b/c I think people will think it's b/c I'm fat and I can't do it... when it is only b/c of the asthma. I wish I could do elliptical, but it really hurts my knees bad. I would like to tone my thighs, butt, tummy, and upper arms. I can't stand my thighs and butt - I have a 'lot' of cellulite and and worried it won't go away with the weight loss. Anyone know much about cellulite that could help with that worry too?

 

[SparkErosion]

Sorry this is so long - but I really need some help

I'm 27 years old. I have kinda low self esteem most of the time. I go back and forth between feeling great about myself and feeling terrible. I have trust issues b/c of ex husband cheating on me. And he used to constantly turn me down when dressing in lingerie and then I would find him hiding in the computer room sneaking porn. I struggled with weight my whole life but got down to 199 before marrying him. (I am 5'9" and have large boobs and big butt, so my waist line was looking great at that weight - think 175 would be perfect goal for me) During the marriage filled with emotional abuse I gained it all back and more all the way up to 330 lbs. With being turned down so he could watch porn instead of have the real thing - I started comparing myself to other women constantly. I told myself things like I wasn't good enough and that no matter what man I might be with after divorce - they will all sneak peaks at other women and lie about porn to me like he did b/c they will all prefer to get off to someone else rather than me. My boyfriend of over 1+1/2 years says he would never do those things to me - and that if I'm not ok with porn then he would consider himself cheating to look at it behind my back. I mostly believe him "in my heart"... but my mind is so screwed up. I'm in therapy for it. So far I have gotten back down to 248 (so 82 lbs lost).... but I'm really struggling now. Part of me feels like I can't do it b/c I am afraid to be happy - feel like happiness always ends anyway, so why try to have it again? And part of me feels like no matter what I look like, any guy will go watch stuff behind my back anyway - b/c my exhusband did it even when I looked really great. If I ever get back down to the 100's - will this issue of distrust and anxiety of being hurt like that fade away? Has anyone here experienced this issue of constantly comparing themselves and hating other women on tv b/c of it?

Honestly your post brought tears to my eyes because that's exactly how I feel. My dad always told me what negative hings I did, especially during adolesecence. I'm a guy, 23, but it doesn't matter, I feel the same way as you.


I'll highlight in bold the points I feel especially I can relate to. For example, when I was obese, my dad told me one time when we were moving, and I remember it clearly , "Put your shirt back on." i asked, "why?" and he said "its embarassing." I felt like because I didn't have my shirt on becaus I was fat it was embarassing.Even when I lost the weight, and got to a low body fat percentage, I still felt fat and had those feelings that it was embarassing. But in all honesty i have no reason to be embarassed. It's hard for me to accept that.

He got upset twice, quite upset, that i went through the window and destroyed it trying to come into the house. It was raining outside and he told me next time to just stand out in the rain, as to not distroy the window. I even tried to call my mom to tell her I couldn't get in as I forgot to unlock the back door. And I had forgotten that my dad was actually inside, sleeping. People have even go to as to say I'm very manipulative, and I don't care about others. I don't think I'm very manipulative (maybe because of aspergers syndrome), I think people sometimes interepeted it as that, but I think I am a very caring person and geniunely care about others.

The other day, I was looking for my water bottle holder/camelback for my bicycle. He told me, "This is part of the problem. You have to stop being so braindead.". That's all I ever hear. That *I* am the problem. I feel ashamed. i try my best, but he tells me "Don't try your best, just do it." This has helped me in ways to strive for perfection in anything I do, and I've achieved some wonderful things from it, but it also makes me void of any feeling accomplishment when I accomplish something. If I do get that feeling, its shortlived; only for a fleeting moment.

I go back and forth between feeling great about myself and feeling terrible.
Me too. Sometimes I feel great about myself and what I've accomplsiehd and can't believe it, other items I hate myself and feel I'm worthless, ugly, and don't look good despite what other people tell me. I am often completely terrified to take off my shirt. Often times in the gym when I wear a lower cut shirt I won't get a drink from the water fountain because I'm afraid people are going to judge me negatively. I'm trying to face it the best I can.



And he used to constantly turn me down
I seem to always feel put down by my father. Whether this is true or not. I've told him before, "You're being abusive to me." and he says , "Don't start that bulls**t with me.". He is a completely different person around other people (non family). And is very negative and judgemental.

I started comparing myself to other women constantly. I told myself things like I wasn't good enough
This. I started comparing myself to other guys, not just guys I saw around me, or in the gym, but bodybuilders, guys who looked better than me. I always wanted to have a six pack. I felt if I didn't, no one would like me. Even when I got to 9% bodyfat, I wasn't very happy with myself. I think we need to change ourselves on the inside first, for our outer beauty to be comfortable with. I never had a girlfriend in my life. Every time I asked, it was rejection, or 'just want to be friends". This was frusterating to me. I felt no girls liked me. Certainly no women looked at me. I still feel the same way now, no girls ever look at me. At least, I never see it. I also felt I wasn't good enough. I felt even when I lost the weight, I wasn't good enough. I always felt accomplishment when I lost weight. And I enjoyed the praise, feeling important, feeling like I did something important. I wanted to feel important and respected my whole life as I never was growing up. I always felt in my other hobbies too that I wasn't good enough. I aimed for the impossible perfection, but always fell short. Perfection is impossible i learned, but trying your best is all you can do.

If you decide to read this I really hope it helps. I can relate to what you're saying even though I'm a guy.

Good luck. You can do it. I'm getting therapy too.

 

[SparkErosion]

Congrats also on your weight loss. 82 lbs is very impressive!

 

[Justina]

Hey lovely,
you are in a bad place right now...(a place i visited not long ago - feeling worthless bc of my appearance) i dont think its entirely down to your appearence... in a way i guess it is...
there are so many ppl that are not happy with the way they look (bc of either bad experience or bc they compare themselves to other ppl etc)
But you dont hve to be overweight to feel depressed about the way you look. (some ppl are too tall, some too short, big boobs small boobs ...etc the list is endless)
i have been trying to overcome my obsession to compare myself to other people...it is really bad. i kinda cannot avoid it - i go to the gym ( i cannot just shut my eyes in the changing room - i d keep walking into ppl LOL)
Anyway...i was really depressed about the way i looked ... and everyone around me was like: what?? you have beautiful hair , beautiful face, beautiful eyes, you are smart, funny - etc - stop concentrating on the bad. it was certainly not easy.
You can improve on the bad things - but meanwhile just try to look at what your assests are!! For me it has been a slow process... i m still doing it... i have to tell myself million times - that i m pretty & i m worth it! & i do!!!
You have to decide it yourself- then you can go about making the change...

So my advice is to look at your achievements: YOU DID AMAZINGLY WELL BY LOSING SO MUCH WEIGHT! You are trully and INSPIRTION to many.
Concentrate on the good!!!!

Keep up the good job!!! hugs

 

[cyan42]

You are beautiful. Love yourself. You WILL find your way. God Bless.

 

[Frogged]

I started comparing myself to other guys, not just guys I saw around me, or in the gym, but bodybuilders, guys who looked better than me. I always wanted to have a six pack. I felt if I didn't, no one would like me. Even when I got to 9% bodyfat, I wasn't very happy with myself. I think we need to change ourselves on the inside first, for our outer beauty to be comfortable with. I never had a girlfriend in my life. Every time I asked, it was rejection, or 'just want to be friends". This was frusterating to me. I felt no girls liked me. Certainly no women looked at me. I still feel the same way now, no girls ever look at me. At least, I never see it. I also felt I wasn't good enough. I felt even when I lost the weight, I wasn't good enough. I always felt accomplishment when I lost weight. And I enjoyed the praise, feeling important, feeling like I did something important. I wanted to feel important and respected my whole life as I never was growing up. I always felt in my other hobbies too that I wasn't good enough. I aimed for the impossible perfection, but always fell short. Perfection is impossible i learned, but trying your best is all you can do.

Spark, I just got hit with a bit of comradery from your post and wanted to comment. I've never had a girlfriend either, but then again I've never tried to meet women as I assume it'll just end in rejection. I'm fairly decent at conversation online, but when it comes to the face-to-face portion, that's when everything would crumble.

I basically have as much confidence as a leaf in a wind tunnel - I just don't know what the hell I'm doing or what to do next :\

Unfortunately, I don't think I've developed the social skills necessary to even attempt interaction with potential candidates. From the age of 15 up until now (28), I've pretty much avoided everyone and everything as best I could. I keep myself locked in my room when not working, and while at work, I never make eye contact or try to talk with anyone outside of 'Nice weather, yeah?'

The computer is my thing. Even to this day and losing 160+ pounds later, I'm still afraid to really venture out and try new things. I've become so comfortable with just bouncing around between movies, tv, and gaming on my computer that I actually feel great anxiety if I'm unable to do that for just a single day.

Hopefully when I reach my goal weight and feel more comfortable in my own body, I can take small steps to break away from this 13 year cycle and maybe go to a bar or a club.. I dunno. I have a feeling I'd probably hate it, but there we go with the 'assuming' bit again :\ I need to learn how to stop proclaiming defeat before the battle even begins, but it's difficult when your mindset has been locked in such a way for so long.

And angel, don't be too negative on yourself my dear. We all go through rough patches, and losing 82 pounds is amazing, but maybe a quote from the great movie 'Batman Begins' could help:

Why do we fall?
So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

angel, please be sure to keep us posted with your continued progress

Best of luck!

 

[transparent]

I am really feeling for all of you guys here.

I can't say that I know how you feel, because my few moments of self doubt and self esteem issues were fleeting at best. Only once in my life I can really remember feeling like I was not worth it, but it had nothing to do with my size, but from something that happened to me.

I grew up surrounded by heavy overweight DIVAS, I was always the 'fat girl' surrounded by skinner girls, but 90% of the time I did not pay attention because if I went out and felt bad about how I looked, other than 1 or 2 family members, everyone complimented me and kept telling me how pretty, I was, or how smart I was.

Now it used to hurt when strangers used to say, 'you have such a pretty face' then look down at my body with a frown, or say, "you're pretty for a fat girl" but as I said, my family more than made up for it.

But I can tell you this, in college I had a friend, lets call her 'Cat', she was the bomb, she had a body to die for, hell I told her "I'm not gay and even I would sleep with you" that's how she looked, and she wasn't classically pretty or beautiful, but you could call her sexy, and you know the problem, she thought she was ugly because she had "back" and her boyfriend continued to belittle her every chance he got. And he didn't creep around on her, hell, he did it to her face, and she felt so worthless she took it. When we were at frat parties and he came and left with different females right in front of her. To cut the long story short, a couple of us started hanging with her and kept telling her over and over again she was pretty, and even if she wasn't, she deserved better.

It took a while, but eventually she started to turn around, come more into herself. I wish I could say they broke up, but up until I left they were still together, but the belittling stopped and blatant disrespect did also. She had to stand up for herself and let him know she wasn't going to take it no more.

So not because your ex cheated does that mean all men will. And those porn stars, don't compare yourself to them, honey, my boobs are bigger than a DDD and you know what, they don't stand up like the porn girls own do... no boobs that are naturally that big stands so firm, and for a few thousand bucks their plastic surgeon would work on you too.

So stop comparing yourself to porn stars, actresses, models, hell anyone, I compare myself to myself, there is no loser in my game. And stop feeling sorry for yourself, there is nothing sexier than confidence, use it, wear it, walk with it, and you will notice the difference in yourself.

 

[SparkErosion]

Spark, I just got hit with a bit of comradery from your post and wanted to comment. I've never had a girlfriend either, but then again I've never tried to meet women as I assume it'll just end in rejection. I'm fairly decent at conversation online, but when it comes to the face-to-face portion, that's when everything would crumble.

I basically have as much confidence as a leaf in a wind tunnel - I just don't know what the hell I'm doing or what to do next :\

Unfortunately, I don't think I've developed the social skills necessary to even attempt interaction with potential candidates. From the age of 15 up until now (28), I've pretty much avoided everyone and everything as best I could. I keep myself locked in my room when not working, and while at work, I never make eye contact or try to talk with anyone outside of 'Nice weather, yeah?'

The computer is my thing. Even to this day and losing 160+ pounds later, I'm still afraid to really venture out and try new things. I've become so comfortable with just bouncing around between movies, tv, and gaming on my computer that I actually feel great anxiety if I'm unable to do that for just a single day.

Hopefully when I reach my goal weight and feel more comfortable in my own body, I can take small steps to break away from this 13 year cycle and maybe go to a bar or a club.. I dunno. I have a feeling I'd probably hate it, but there we go with the 'assuming' bit again :\ I need to learn how to stop proclaiming defeat before the battle even begins, but it's difficult when your mindset has been locked in such a way for so long.

And angel, don't be too negative on yourself my dear. We all go through rough patches, and losing 82 pounds is amazing, but maybe a quote from the great movie 'Batman Begins' could help:



angel, please be sure to keep us posted with your continued progress

Best of luck!

You sound exactly like me. I Became addicted to an online text based game and still play it. Not as addicted as I was, but it's there. I will lose myself in this text fantasy game online, and forget about my problems in real life.

I also remember, one time, and this is hard for me, I was checking myself out in the mirror after I lost alot of weight. I thought to myself I did a good job. My dad burst out laughing at me and walked away.

Something I do to help with confidence. Growing up I'm sure I was told I was fat, because I was very fat...as a teenager (early teens).Although losing the weight has helped me care about myself more and give me a tiny bit more confidence, it's still not there. My dad told me one time to put on my shirt because it was embarassing. Since that moment, perhaps events happened after, I have felt terrified, especially now that I lost the weight, of people making fun of me.

I remember being really fat, walking down the street one day with no shirt on with my friend. He had no shirt on either. It was summer here in arizona, and very hot. Two girls yelled out at the car "Fatty!".

I also remember recently riding my bicycle with my muscle shirt on, after I got down to around 13% bodyfat. (I had lost the vast majority, very close to goal at the time), and as I was riding my bicycle, a car with the window down passed by me slowly to a stop at the light. As it passed by, even with my music on, I heard a "woooooooooooh" out the window. I didn't look, I was too embarassed. But it certainly sounded female. I don't think anyone else was around either. And later I began to even self doubt that was about me.

It's still terrifiying for me to wear that shirt. Because although all I hear are positive comments now, that wasn't always the case, and I feel that the all the hard work I put in, especially regarding the loose skin, someone is going to make fun of me about. And you know what, who cares what they think. It's their problem. But its' hard for me to accept that, I take it too personally.

I have been finding it easier and easier to wear it now, this muscle shirt. I found that wearing it often helps. When I wear I say to myself "Who cares what they think., just be yourself.". I also lenjoy being around people. I find the social situations help me, as stressing as it is on me. Next time I wear it I plan to wear it in the mall. That will be difficult because that's alot of people in the mall. But I have to face my fears, and realize, I look good, not bad now.

 

[angel <3]

Spark Erosion: THANK YOU

when I was obese, my dad told me one time when we were moving, and I remember it clearly , "Put your shirt back on." i asked, "why?" and he said "its embarassing." I felt like because I didn't have my shirt on becaus I was fat it was embarassing.Even when I lost the weight, and got to a low body fat percentage, I still felt fat and had those feelings that it was embarassing. But in all honesty i have no reason to be embarassed. It's hard for me to accept that.
I hate that we are embarrassed b/c society makes us feel so much pressure to be perfect. I have so many times gone to the gym to exercise and once I see it's even slightly crowded, I just go home. I have tried to work out at home - and when I do that and get a really good workout, for some reason it makes me cry. I don't really know or understand why I cry - I just do.

People have even go to as to say I'm very manipulative, and I don't care about others. I don't think I'm very manipulative (maybe because of aspergers syndrome), I think people sometimes interepeted it as that, but I think I am a very caring person and geniunely care about others.
I think that's horrible and I wish you didn't have to go through that. Parents are supposed to be the ones who love us no matter what and comfort us through anything. I'm so sorry. and about you being mistaken as manipulative... I have been there as well. It's really just going about things in such a way that you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt I think - and then it can be viewed as manipulative. At least that is what it is for me. I am constantly trying to protect myself... and I usually ask a lot of indirect questions to kinda gently steer things how I would be least hurt... I don't "manipulate" on purpose if it is actually manipulative, I just can't handle certain subjects that are painful for me.

The other day, I was looking for my water bottle holder/camelback for my bicycle. He told me, "This is part of the problem. You have to stop being so braindead.". That's all I ever hear. That *I* am the problem. I feel ashamed. i try my best, but he tells me "Don't try your best, just do it." This has helped me in ways to strive for perfection in anything I do, and I've achieved some wonderful things from it, but it also makes me void of any feeling accomplishment when I accomplish something. If I do get that feeling, its shortlived; only for a fleeting moment.
OMG - my ex husband talked to me like that ALL THE TIME. He was always telling me that I was stupid and that if I wasn't stupid then I needed to stop acting like I was. He would do things that seemed like he truly expected me to read his mind and then put me down for not being able to. Example: we went to a bar to have hot wings he really liked and he pointed behind me and said "behind you" and I was like "what about behind me?" he did this over and over like 4 or 5 times and got angry and just said "BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU! THE PAPERTOWELS ON THAT TABLE!" I was like "seriously? I was supposed to know THAT?" It was a weekly occurance on average and I started to wonder if I really was stupid for a while. It wasn't until after I left him that I realized he was just an *ssh*le.

I go back and forth between feeling great about myself and feeling terrible.
Me too. Sometimes I feel great about myself and what I've accomplsiehd and can't believe it, other items I hate myself and feel I'm worthless, ugly, and don't look good despite what other people tell me. I am often completely terrified to take off my shirt. Often times in the gym when I wear a lower cut shirt I won't get a drink from the water fountain because I'm afraid people are going to judge me negatively. I'm trying to face it the best I can.
I'm glad someone can understand me on this. I thought I was crazy. It's like sometimes I can put on nice clothes and makeup and be like "I'm so pretty" or "I look really good" and "I've come a long way on weight loss" and then other times I just think "I don't look good in anything. I'm so fat I can't stand it" or "why do I bother with makeup when I look like crap anyway?" and I notice I can be in a great mood but as soon as I'm around someone I think is really pretty and thin too - I feel like complete crap by comparison.

And he used to constantly turn me down
I seem to always feel put down by my father. Whether this is true or not. I've told him before, "You're being abusive to me." and he says , "Don't start that bulls**t with me.". He is a completely different person around other people (non family). And is very negative and judgemental.
My ex husband was different around his friends too. Always laughing and joking and being fun. Not with me. He got angry a lot around me and treated me terribly. He put me down so much in front of his friends when we first started learning guitar hero. It was my 1st time playing and his 3rd time and he was so mean. But later I got really good at it and I could outplay anyone and everyone saw that at a later party. It felt good to go back in front of his friends and show everyone up - it would have been nice if they had stood up for me - but oh well. I'm away from 'all' of them now.

I started comparing myself to other women constantly. I told myself things like I wasn't good enough
This. I started comparing myself to other guys, not just guys I saw around me, or in the gym, but bodybuilders, guys who looked better than me. I always wanted to have a six pack. I felt if I didn't, no one would like me. Even when I got to 9% bodyfat, I wasn't very happy with myself. I think we need to change ourselves on the inside first, for our outer beauty to be comfortable with. I never had a girlfriend in my life. Every time I asked, it was rejection, or 'just want to be friends". This was frusterating to me. I felt no girls liked me. Certainly no women looked at me. I still feel the same way now, no girls ever look at me. At least, I never see it. I also felt I wasn't good enough. I felt even when I lost the weight, I wasn't good enough. I always felt accomplishment when I lost weight. And I enjoyed the praise, feeling important, feeling like I did something important. I wanted to feel important and respected my whole life as I never was growing up. I always felt in my other hobbies too that I wasn't good enough. I aimed for the impossible perfection, but always fell short. Perfection is impossible i learned, but trying your best is all you can do.
Yes... I compare myself to stupid models on tv and all the pretty actresses and the thin girls in the gym. I feel so intimidated when a skinny girl gets on a treadmill by me and starts running and I think "I feel so worthless right now not being able to run too." I almost feel like telling them that I wish I could run and explain my asthma and knee issues - but then I feel like it would make it worse b/c they would prob laugh at me and not believe me and think it's excuses. I try to keep telling myself I've lost 82 so far by walking and that it's ok and it 'is' good enough and I don't have to prove anything - but it still hurts. I can't go anywhere with my boyfriend without looking at other girls to make sure we aren't around people dressed provocatively b/c I'm worried he will see them and "check them out" and compare me himself and wish I was different. I drive him crazy - to the point of taking a "break" so I can try to get over some things. We still talk and we had a date last week, but it's really hard to change. I keep worrying b/c I was fooled by so many other guys I dated and think how do I really know he's different? But I'm still trying.

Good luck. You can do it. I'm getting therapy too.
My therapist told me to watch some movies this week to try to overcome how sensative I am to how other women dress. I watched 3 movies and some things I think will never change (like a 'lot' of cleavage, swim suits, girls talking about their boobs or sexual things) but I have already realized that not everything is sexual. Like one - just b/c a girl is in bubble bath doesn't mean it's a "sexy" scene and I can probably chill out on that. My scars run very deep... and I really really hope therapy helps me out - and helps my relationship to get back on the happy track I know it could be on. We are so great together in so many ways.... I don't want my fear and insecurity and mistrust to ruin it.

I am going to try to comment in a different color after each of your paragraphs so I don't leave anything out. I also want you to know that I have read many many threads on here before I posted - and I have seen comments by you on a lot of threads and you have really stood out to me as a wonderful person. As soon as I saw your picture on a comment - I immediately felt relieved and had a feeling you would say something to relate to me and to comfort me. I'm glad you found my post. Please read the comments in the section I quoted you above.... I added you to my friends... I don't take that lightly - especially since I'm very cautious about talking to men other than my boyfriend. But he's ok with it if it helps me with my issues. I don't keep anything from him. And I can only hope and pray he doesn't keep anything from me. Not 'all' men are scum... I have to believe that b/c soooo many women are trampy and cheat just like a lot of men do... but I am honest and good - so there has to be men the same. My heart knows it - but my mind fights me every day and night. Thank you so much for your reply. It means a LOT to me. I really do need good friends - even if it's just online friends. Thanks.

 

[SparkErosion]

I am going to try to comment in a different color after each of your paragraphs so I don't leave anything out. I also want you to know that I have read many many threads on here before I posted - and I have seen comments by you on a lot of threads and you have really stood out to me as a wonderful person. As soon as I saw your picture on a comment - I immediately felt relieved and had a feeling you would say something to relate to me and to comfort me. I'm glad you found my post. Please read the comments in the section I quoted you above.... I added you to my friends... I don't take that lightly - especially since I'm very cautious about talking to men other than my boyfriend. But he's ok with it if it helps me with my issues. I don't keep anything from him. And I can only hope and pray he doesn't keep anything from me. Not 'all' men are scum... I have to believe that b/c soooo many women are trampy and cheat just like a lot of men do... but I am honest and good - so there has to be men the same. My heart knows it - but my mind fights me every day and night. Thank you so much for your reply. It means a LOT to me. I really do need good friends - even if it's just online friends. Thanks.

I'm really happy I helped you. I've tried to help people throughout my life but never felt I was helping anyone. I used to live in a group home and there was this one guy who had a degree in psychology, quite a high degree. He was like one of the staff there. He told me I was 'manipulative' and my mind was like a chess game knowing the next step always. I do think that way, like a chess board, but not in a bad way. I think I do it to protect myself. I often think about what the other person may think, or so, negatively, and I feel bad because of that. He told me when I had a dream to go to japan (I've been interested in learning the language) one day, and he told me it was a pipe dream. Don't let anyone say you can't do something. I hope I can inspire others somehow, because I can't seem to inspire myself.

I have aspergers and people may take that as being manipulative maybe by not understanding the syndrome. I do not feel like I am a wonderful person, people have told me I'm not and I believe it. It is hard to change that thinking. Often times I post things and I ask myself if I'm doing it for myself or because I really care, and it bothers me. I second guess myself on everything. I think I do care about people. I really hope so. I hope I'm not that selfish. I was always told I was very selfish too, and i seem to internalize everything everyone said about me. I remember stuff as a young kid, in kindergarden, in pre school. I remember going to pre school and smelling the unique smell of food for lunch...I remember trying to want to swing with this girl on the swing and her rejection me. This was my first 'experience' on the playground. I remember in 3rd grade and beyond going up to people and asking them "Do you want to be my friend?". and them telling me to go away. Tormented by my past, I felt it hard to accept and make up my own mind on things. I always made up what I believed on what OTHER people told me. I was a carbon copy of other people, not myself. I am still trying to find myself. Who I am, and who is me, and it's dfificult. I absorbed myself into this fantasy text game, where you imagine the graphics (your mind), and this was my reality. I valued this game over life. Life I could care less about it. I became even suicidal several times.

I need more friends too. I had a "friend" I'd known for over 6 yeras, and he just took advantage of me and tried to brainwash me/maniuplate me. Told me my parents were telling me lies, everything I learned in school was a lie. He did not have good morals either. I eventually told my parents but it was difficult. Now I think he could care less.

I have one friend but she lives farther away in the state. I haven't seen her in months but text to her often. She's a great person. I know how you feel in regards to trusting people. Sometimes I think everyone is trying to take advantage of me, and it's hard to tell who is and who isn't. It's hard to trust anyone - at the same time, it's hard not to trust anyone because deep down I WANT to trust someone! You know?

I think alot of people feel similiarly, but may be too afraid to open up or talk about it. It's a painful thing. I hope these people can read about experiences of others and get help, and not be afraid to talk about their experiences.

 

[Kiksalu]

I am not sure if this is allowed if it isn't please delete it. I posted these before but took them down when people started stealing things from here to use for "get thin quick diets".

I've been there. I was "to fat to love" a quote from an ex. It sucked ass. It hurt and destroyed my self esteem. I met my now husband I was 230lbs and I got pregnant gained a hell of a lot more. I had complications which made working out not an option until I got my medical stuff situated. This was me at around 300lbs:

**EDITED OUT****

I wanted to post this so you KNOW I mean it when I say I've been there.

When I was allowed to work out I started small walking 20 minutes that became 45minutes then an hour. Then I started lifting with 5lbs which lead to 8lbs which lead to 12lbs etc dumbbells. I changed the way I ate and viewed food. I made the choice that I was worth taking care of. My husband agreed and supported me 100% he watches our daughter so I can work out for 2 hours a day. These are the pics of me at 182:


**EDITED OUT***

I am now 170.

The biggest thing I ever did, that helped me was realizing I was worth it. By feeling I was worth something it meant I took care of myself. Happiness can only come from inside you. Other people can't make you love yourself. The hardest thing to do for me was pinpointing why I didn't feel that I was worth caring about and then fixing it.

As for does it help loosing the weight for me it was not so much the physical change as much as the internal one of going... DAMN IT I AM NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF??? then making the outside reflect my new inside. It sounds sort of stupid written down like that but that is how I viewed the weight loss

As for hating other women I never had that. I know I will always be a size 6/8. I would have to cut off a tit or amputate a hip to get smaller. I am large framed and I worked hard for my arms butt and thighs by lifting. I am not the "ideal" stick thin person but I think I look damn good now. When you find your happiness with yourself you celebrate how YOU look and stop worrying about other women's appearances.

If you need to talk please feel free to PM me or contact me <3 I know what you are talking about.

**SIDE NOTE**My camera broke and it has been a luxury that we have not purchased yet with all of the other bills of life I am hoping for our 7 year anniversary in June we will get a new one for more recent pics

EDIT: Took out the pics since angel<3 saw them

 

[Frogged]

Wow, Kiksalu!

You look incredible!

Huge congrats on your accomplishment!

That's a great post and hopefully it will demonstrate that, no matter what the reasons, nobody is ever alone in this struggle to become healthier.

Be it in real life or online, you can always find support from individuals who have dealt with similar circumstances -- you only need the courage to seek it

Thanks for sharing your success :]

 

[transparent]

I know I will always be a size 6/8. I would have to cut off a tit or amputate a hip to get smaller. I am large framed and I worked hard for my arms butt and thighs by lifting. I am not the "ideal" stick thin person but I think I look damn good now. When you find your happiness with yourself you celebrate how YOU look and stop worrying about other women's appearances.

I completely agree with everything you say. the whole world can tell you that you are beautiful, but until you believe it, nothing really matters. And I also agree with the stop comparing yourself to someone else, lets face it, no one is perfect, if there was such a person, plastic surgeons would probably kill them

I always tell people, love yourself, warts and all, and stop looking at those magazine models and movie stars, with the money, plastic surgeons on speed dial, makeup artists, stylists, personal trainers, personal chef, personal assistants, personal shoppers... hell .... personal everything... and take a good look at yourself, you are beautiful, someone in this world thinks you are the most beautiful being ever created, even if that someone happens to be you.

 

[SparkErosion]

This is all so true. If I just figure out how to change my cognitive thinking towards my inner feelings of myself about how awful/terrible I feel about my own appearance...and fix it.

 

[angel <3]

This is a long reply with a lot of emotion - sorry for that

I've been there. I was "to fat to love" a quote from an ex. It sucked ass. It hurt and destroyed my self esteem.

I hate how people can be - I once had a guy make-out with me in high school and then when I asked him to be my boyfriend at the end of our date he said he thought I was pretty and he loved my curves but that I wasn't the type of girl he was normally seen with. Ugh. I used to be stronger though... it pissed me off, but I stuck my nose in the air. He saw me hugging a much better looking guy later before christmas break and he made a comment about it b/c it was such a long hug and I looked at him and said something like: wow, you are soooo jealous it's halarious... b/c he's so much better looking than you and has a way better personality. All the mean guy's friends started laughing at him. He really deserved it too. Jerk. He had the nerve to come to my house that summer and tried to hang out with me... and despite the fact I had a boyfriend (who I later married and treated me like crap) he was trying to hit on me and I told him to stop b/c I had a boyfriend and reminded him of how he treated me when I 'was' interested and told him to leave. What a moron. He didn't destroy my self esteem, just angered me... but when I was married and the man that was supposed to love me said mean hurtful terrible things I can't even bring myself to repeat (it took me 8 years to even say the words to my mom and she was FURIOUS when I told her the worst things).... that is what really messed me up. I don't really know how to recover, but I'm trying to.

I wanted to post this so you KNOW I mean it when I say I've been there.

I'm really glad you posted the pics. It helps to SEE that you can relate to me on that level. You look similar to my body type. How tall are you? I have seen so many people that just don't carry their weight the same as me. I have pretty even distribution of weight - so my arms and my legs are big too. I have always wanted to see pics of someone similar. Thank you so much for that.

When I was allowed to work out I started small walking 20 minutes that became 45minutes then an hour. Then I started lifting with 5lbs which lead to 8lbs which lead to 12lbs etc dumbbells.

It's so good to hear how small you started out. Do you remember how long it took to get to longer times and heavier weights? I always felt like there was no point when I can't handle doing very much. Like it wasn't going to help b/c it's not enough. I often feel like it's never enough. And then the times I did feel like it was enough, I put myself down anyway or sabotaged myself. I would cry after a really good work out and I can't completely grasp why that is.

I made the choice that I was worth taking care of. The biggest thing I ever did, that helped me was realizing I was worth it. By feeling I was worth something it meant I took care of myself. Happiness can only come from inside you. Other people can't make you love yourself. The hardest thing to do for me was pinpointing why I didn't feel that I was worth caring about and then fixing it.

I think that could be why I cry after a hard workout. I think I feel confused b/c part of me doesn't feel worth it and I cry b/c I'm kinda fighting that feeling and it hurts. It hurts too when I think about accomplishing something and then having it ruined again. I have this outlook sorta that nothing good can last b/c it never has for me. My whole world has crumbled. I have lost not only my marriage (my little make believe fantasy that it was or could be good)... but my grandma who I lived with after my diverce and got really close to passed away and then all my aunts and cousins turned on me to get the house and kicked me out. We were all so very close and loving toward each other and it was a huge slap in the face that I still can't understand. (My grandma passed away in March 2009 and I was just kicked out in November 2010 after a lot of B.S. court stuff) This has seriously contributed to my trust issues. My cousin who I was very close to called me a "fat bitch" at one point too. It really hurt that "she" would say that. To top it off, my other cousin called my mom and left death threats on her phone right after she lost grandma (my mom's mom). The whole family seemed to have lost their hearts and only care about possession of the house and other "stuff". I'll stop now - I'm way off the subject of weightloss. Just have a lot of hurt going on inside.

As for does it help losing the weight for me it was not so much the physical change as much as the internal one of going... DAMN IT I AM NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF??? then making the outside reflect my new inside. It sounds sort of stupid written down like that but that is how I viewed the weight loss

I hope I can get to that point 100% sometime SOON. I do know that I'm a good person. I'm a very loving and caring person and I love helping others and I have a good relationship with God. I just feel like I am not good enough looks wise and for some reason feel like I'm not good enough for 'that'. Maybe it's not that I don't feel good enough, maybe I partially fear becoming what I hate.... girls who wear skimpy clothes and have a think they're "all that" attitude.... I know deep down inside that I would 'never' be that way.... but my mind fears it I think the same as I trust my boyfriend in my heart but my mind says "but your ex did things behind your back". I don't know how to make the thoughts stop. It's frustrating. I also don't want a bunch of guys gawking at me and I fear that as well. I know it wouldn't be my fault - but I am so committed to my boyfriend (as is how I always have been in relationships) that I don't even want to be looked at by other men. It just makes me feel dirty to think some other guy might think something sexual about me and I hate that thought. How can I not care if that happens???

As for hating other women I never had that. I know I will always be a size 6/8. I am large framed and I worked hard for my arms butt and thighs by lifting. I am not the "ideal" stick thin person but I think I look damn good now.

I would love to be a size 8! Hell... I'm actually shooting for a 12 or 14. I think some curves are gorgeous. Stick thin is not ideal at all in my eyes - nor in my boyfriends. He said he doesn't "need" me to lose weight - as he met me when I was a bit heavier than now anyway. He says he wouldn't mind it though.... but he also says he wouldn't want me to lose a "lot" and wants me to keep my curves b/c he likes that. When I was talking with him about it a while back we figured out we are both on the same page as far as what a perfect size for me would be - but he did add that he thinks I'm amazing looking no matter if I lose any weight or not.

When you find your happiness with yourself you celebrate how YOU look and stop worrying about other women's appearances.

I hope that I get there. One last thing - did you have a lot of cellulite on your thighs and butt before losing weight? Did that go away if you did? I have a lot in those areas and I really really want it gone. I asked my boyfriend if there was anything he didn't like about my body - while he was drunk and very honest about it... and he said the cellulite on my legs. he wasn't mean though, very gently said that's the only thing about my body that he would prefer I didn't have. Said it doesn't bother him or make him think bad things about me, but just wishes it wasn't there. It hurt really bad to hear that from him - but I was the one who asked if there was anything about my body that he didn't like. I asked him if he checked out other girl's legs since mine aren't good and he said absolutely not. He said he would never compare me and that he doesn't check out other girls on purpose ever b/c he knows how I feel about that and it would be cheating with how I feel and he'd never do that to me. He admits he subconsciously looks at other girls sometimes, but as soon as he "realizes" he is doing it he feels bad and looks away immediately. I understand that and am ok with that, as that is human nature - and you can't control your subconscious. I wish it were possible... but -shrugs-.... I'm just glad he didn't try to say he never ever looks b/c then I would 'know' it was a lie. I hope he's being completely truthful. My heart says he is... even when compared to the ex. B/c my ex showed a LOT of signs of dishonesty and disrespect etc. He was a pervy jackass. Sorry this was so long. It's so nice to have found a place where people listen and are supportive. Thanks so much for your caring post and support! I appreciate it more than you know. All of you on here. Thank you.

 

[angel <3]

....

Hey lovely,
you are in a bad place right now...(a place i visited not long ago - feeling worthless bc of my appearance) i dont think its entirely down to your appearence... in a way i guess it is...

it mostly is... I feel like - my boyfriend hasn't said he loves me yet (only a couple times when he was drunk, and I want him to say it sober even though everyone says the truth comes out when someone is drunk - it doesn't mean as much that way to me) and I know I'm a good person - so I think, I bet if I was thin and gorgeous he would have said it by now. He says that's not true and he thinks I'm beautiful.... but I always think "how can anyone love someone that looks like me" He says he hasn't said it b/c he doesn't wanna say it until he thinks he will marry me, and that when he does say it, it will mean more and he may as well propose right there when he says it. But that b/c I am so untrusting and question him all the time - he can't see him marrying me at this point and won't unless I fix that about myself. And I understand that too b/c it sucks to feel like someone doesn't trust you, especially if you are really being honest with them. I'm trying

i have been trying to overcome my obsession to compare myself to other people...it is really bad. i kinda cannot avoid it.

I don't know how to avoid it either. My mind just does it. My therapist says that anytime I find myself doing that - I need to change the subject in my head and look away from it. He told me to say a prayer or to think about something that I really want in my life one day - a happy thought of my future of even a happy thought of something I have now. I'm trying, but I don't always remember to do it right away if at all. I've been trying to remember to do that for a while before I ever even started therapy b/c it's in a book I read by Joyce Meyer called Battlefield of the Mind. That book really helps a lot... but I have to be reading it constantly b/c I just forget the stuff I read and let my emotions take over. I'm fighting doing that every day. I hope it gets easier eventually.

everyone around me was like: what?? you have beautiful hair , beautiful face, beautiful eyes, you are smart, funny - etc - stop concentrating on the bad. it was certainly not easy.

yeah... I would get that a lot... .pretty hair, pretty face, pretty eyes... smart, funny, fun, caring,.... and those things are good - but I would always think "yeah, but the rest of my body below my breasts really sucks huh?" I used to say that I am only beautiful from my chest and up. I want the rest to look really great too. I can't even wear shorts in public b/c I feel horrible when I do. I remember last summer - I put shorts on and decided to go to walmart in them - and I got half way there and went back home. But I did try again - and I went in and I felt like everyone was looking at me and putting me down in their minds. I never wore them out again. I can only deal with capri's... and even that is not completely easy.

i have to tell myself million times - that i m pretty & i m worth it! & i do!!!
You have to decide it yourself- then you can go about making the change...

I need to try that... looking in the mirror and paying attention to what I like and how far I've come. I always wish my boyfriend would tell me more often how pretty I am like he used to. He thinks he does... but he really doesn't. Although - he said it in such a way on a date night we had last week that it meant a lot more than just saying it to say it. He put emphasis on it and it was (ssshhhhh... while we were being intimate)... he goes "God!, You are SO Beautiful!" That felt really really great to hear him say it like that, especially at that particular moment.

So my advice is to look at your achievements: YOU DID AMAZINGLY WELL BY LOSING SO MUCH WEIGHT! You are trully and INSPIRTION to many.
Concentrate on the good!!!!

Someone told me to put up a pic of me at my biggest, a pic of me at my smallest (before marriage), and a pic of me right now on my bedroom door or something where I see it every day so that I can see how much closer I am to my smallest now than I am to my biggest. I'm over half way there and I need to remember how far I've come. I really should do that and maybe it will help me feel proud of myself more than I do now.

Keep up the good job!!! hugs

Thank you so very much for you encouragement and support! I'm very glad I found this website! Thank you all so much!

 

[angel <3]

thank you all...

Cyan42, Frogged, and Transparent.... I want to thank you all for your posts. I appreciate them more than you all know. Thanks bunches! and more bunches!

 

[Kiksalu]

The "I love you" thing is a strange thing for many men. Personal experience my husband was the same way it took him 5 months to say it. I never pushed and he had a whole slew of things in his past that made it hard for him. Once we crossed that bridge our relationship had a whole new level and we are now celebrating 7 years of marriage together.

One thing that bothers me though is how many times you mention your BF is/was drunk. It sent up a red flag to me and even though you are an anonymous forum poster I care.

Another huge thing in your post is how your BF and you spoke about how you should/could/want to look. This disturbed me a bit because he should have no say on how your body should look. Asking someone means you are thinking about doing it for THEM not yourself. Long term if you break up will you go back to where you were because THEY are not there??? Weight loss should always start and end with YOUR feelings on how YOU want to look and where YOU want to be. Trying to mold to someone else's ideals and wants is a recipe for disaster and heart break.

As for me I am 5'8. I did my 300ish-183 in 9 months and the full 300ish-170 in 12 months. The last 13lbs were freaking BRUTAL. I have saggy skin on my thighs, stomach, ass, and underarms. It is hard to tell if there is any cellulite under my elephant sags . I plan once my daughter is in kindergarten to look into plastic surgery to get rid of it. It would be a very big operation and I would want to do it when she would be in school most of the day for both of our sakes. I figured I have kept the weight off for coming up on two years another won't kill me to wait

I started with just some basic walking and weights and increased the walking every week by 10 minutes until I was up to 60 minutes. Then I started by finding a set walking pattern of walks that were 4-6 miles and began trying to beat my best time by adding sporadic jogging This took around 3.5 months. After 3 more months I was running those 4-6 mile patterns (up and down hill to boot!)

Every 3-4 weeks. I would add 3-4lbs to the weights and restarted the weight lifting from the basics doing 10 reps x2 and move up to 20 reps x2 slowly. Going to fast or to hard can cause injury and slow your progress.

The other HUGE thing is diet. What are you doing for food? I was out of weight lifting for a month do to some surgery but I still lost weight keeping with a very strict diet and just the walking/jogging.

As for the crying after work outs it is you haven't accepted this is for YOU yet I think. No one else. This is all yours!! You are doing it for yourself. Once you accept that and stop looking to let outside influences "ruin a good thing" it may become easier. Because no one can ruin YOU unless you allow them to. Snarl and bite pride for YOU girlfriend and don't let ANYONE take that from you.

Onto other men looking at you. Guess what, men are hard wired visual. I get hit on lots now. Of course mostly they talk to my tits but I find it pretty amusing. I even some times gab them and shake them up and down while I talk in a high pitch voice like they are speaking. It normally gets the guy to turn purple and look me in the eyes after that (normally the 16-24 crowd I have to use that method with).

My husband knows where I sleep at night (in bed with him) so he has no problem laughing when I get stopped by drunk tourists who ask me if I want to go wine taste hopping with them. Are you scared of the attention? Or are you insecure with your relationship that you might want to cheat when McHottie seeing your new fly form comes onto you?

Another thing that stood out in that is that their possibly thinking sexual thoughts makes YOU feel dirty. You are never responsible for other peoples thoughts. If you looks half way decent I promise you many people of had sexual thoughts about you. Humans are sexual creatures. Is it maybe linked to your ex's porn thing? That you would be objectionalized like one of "those" women?

Anyways this is turning into a book and I most likely put to sleep 99.9% of the people who attempted to read it all! I hope it helps any other questions you want to know about me or how I got to where I am I will answer as best I can

 

[ChefChiTown]

Sorry this is so long - but I really need some help

I'm 27 years old. I have kinda low self esteem most of the time. I go back and forth between feeling great about myself and feeling terrible. I have trust issues b/c of ex husband cheating on me. And he used to constantly turn me down when dressing in lingerie and then I would find him hiding in the computer room sneaking porn. I struggled with weight my whole life but got down to 199 before marrying him. (I am 5'9" and have large boobs and big butt, so my waist line was looking great at that weight - think 175 would be perfect goal for me) During the marriage filled with emotional abuse I gained it all back and more all the way up to 330 lbs. With being turned down so he could watch porn instead of have the real thing - I started comparing myself to other women constantly. I told myself things like I wasn't good enough and that no matter what man I might be with after divorce - they will all sneak peaks at other women and lie about porn to me like he did b/c they will all prefer to get off to someone else rather than me. My boyfriend of over 1+1/2 years says he would never do those things to me - and that if I'm not ok with porn then he would consider himself cheating to look at it behind my back. I mostly believe him "in my heart"... but my mind is so screwed up. I'm in therapy for it. So far I have gotten back down to 248 (so 82 lbs lost).... but I'm really struggling now. Part of me feels like I can't do it b/c I am afraid to be happy - feel like happiness always ends anyway, so why try to have it again? And part of me feels like no matter what I look like, any guy will go watch stuff behind my back anyway - b/c my exhusband did it even when I looked really great. If I ever get back down to the 100's - will this issue of distrust and anxiety of being hurt like that fade away? Has anyone here experienced this issue of constantly comparing themselves and hating other women on tv b/c of it?

Any guy who would rather watch porn than spend time with his girlfriend/wife isn't worth your time. Not physically and not emotionally. Let him go. The more you keep clinging to him and how me made you feel, the longer you will feel bad about yourself because that's all he ever did - make you feel bad about yourself. So, let him go. He's not worth it.

And, to give you a guy's honest perspective - dudes are scumbags. They are all going to do something at some point that is going to piss you off, disgust you or make you doubt yourself. Every single one of us is going to do that at some point. BUT...not all guys are like your ex. Not all dudes are going to sneak around and watch porn behind your back. Not all dudes are going to insult the way you look or make you feel bad about yourself. So, don't judge each and every one of us just because of one selfish scumbag. We guys are pigs, but we're not all dirty.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now and I sincerely have no interest in other women. My girlfriend is beautiful, sexy and everything I have ever wanted. And, I have zero desire to wander my eyes towards another. Not in real life, not on TV, not in the movies and not in porn. There isn't a kilobyte of porn on my laptop, a DVD of porn in my room or a dirty magazine in my possession - and, she knows that. I have HER - I don't want anything else.

I know it may be hard to believe at this moment, but...you'll find a guy who feels the same way about you. You just have to keep your eyes open and rid yourself of any judgments you may have about men that are based off of what your ex made you feel. We're not all your ex. We're all pigs in our own way, but we're not all like your ex. Believe it or not, there are actually guys out there who will make you feel the complete opposite of what your ex made you feel. Not CAN make you feel, but WILL make you feel.

The first thing a worthy man notices on a woman is her eyes and he won't be able to see into your eyes if you keep hanging your head. So...chin up.