Losing It - For REAL this time

RachelSilvana

RachelSilvana

New member
Please excuse the novel I'm about to write, but I've got to get this off of my chest:


So, I joined this forum not that long ago, posted a couple things, but have not felt ready to start a diary. I kept making excuses like everything else, so I'm sucking it up and doing it.

Some background info on myself:
I'm 21, 5'7 and currently 200lbs. A month ago I was 208lbs. That is when my journey started.

I have never been skinny or thin. I have natural curves. Boobs and a butt. I am proud of these and love my curves, I just have extra padding that is unsightly and unhealthy. At the start of grade 11 I was 155lbs. I would love to get back to that. Since then I have been slowly gaining every year.

That year, when I was 16-17, I got my first real boyfried and got comfortable. I gained 10lbs. I still looked and felt good. I was a competitive dancer, lifeguard and kept super busy and was in shape.

At the end of grade 12, when I turned 18, I weighed 167lbs. I started dating my ex-boyfriend Matt. In September 2006 I started university away from home and had to stop dancing. I went from doing tons of extracurriculars, eating homecooked meals and walking all around my small town to going to class, taking a bus, and eating food at the school. I did not mesh too well with my roommates so I spent a lot of time in my room on the computer. By the summer after first year I was 175lbs.

Second year was the worst. The house I was in was with 5 other girls, 4 of which were 'mean girls' who I overheard referring to me as the house's token fat girl, among other things. Same deal, I spent a lot of time in my room. By Christmas I was 182lbs. I went away to Myrtle Beach with Matt and his family over the break and when I returned I had reached 190lbs. I felt disgusting and swore to myself that I would never ever reach this high again. I worked really hard and got back down to 180lbs.

I maintained that until the summer, when Matt and I broke up for a bit and I lost 5 more pounds, down to 175. That was due to emotional stress and not eating, so not very healthy. Matt and I got back together and I quickly went up to 185lbs. That year at school Matt moved 18hrs away to another university. This was very hard and I gained up to 192lbs. I stayed that way until the summer of 2009. Matt and I both got jobs at the same summer camp in our town. We would work all day, then go home and eat ice cream, drink beer and watch movies. I quickly gained and hit the 200lbs mark.

August 2009, Matt and I broke up. I went back to school for 4th year, and thought that I could take control of my life and be really healthy. That did not happen. I got really depressed and stopped life. I can't tell you how many days I didn't go to class and just layed in bed on my laptop, ordering in food because I couldn't bring myself to cook. I avoided scales and never bought any new clothes for fear of having to find out my pant size. I tipped the scales at 208lbs.

I found this forum a little while ago and have been really inspired by a ton of people. I am an emotional/binge eater and have a lot of problems with self-control. I'll be good for a while and then cave. But, every time I've been feeling like I'm going to lose control, I've come on here and read stories and they made me feel so much better. I want to be one of those people who inspires others. I want to be one of those people with amazing before/after photos. For the past month I have been eating less and cutting down fast food, fried food, high fats. I have not been perfect, but I find if I go cold turkey, that's when I fall off the wagon. I've been going home every 1-2 weeks where I have a scale. By allowing the time between weigh-ins I can see and feel results and I don't get discouraged.

I have lost 8 lbs. The only people who have noticed are myself and my mother, but I don't care. It's been almost 2 years since I can say I've lost anything, so it's a good feeling. I want to keep going. I need to keep going. I just got a job at another summer camp, but it doesn't start until july. I am done this school year on Tuesday, so I will have 2 whole months to just work on me.

I really need everyone's support. My best friend doesn't exercise, eats a ton on McDonalds, and effortlessly weighs 120lbs at 5'5. My mother is also naturally small and eats like a bird, and has told me all my life that I have "fat potential". (I don't hate her for this, she just doesn't get it b/c she's never had to deal with weight issues). My sister has the "ideal body" and is a dancer. I feel self-concious around them (which is my own doing and not their fault). So I have trouble reaching out to them when it comes to body issues. I am joining the gym in town though. I have always put it off because I live in such a small town where I know everyone, and I hate people seeing how big I've gotten. Exercise is really hard for me too. I have very severe asthma and a bad knee and ankle which cancels out running and treadmills.

My Goals:

SW: 208lbs CW: 200lbs

Short Term:
June 29 (My BDay) - 185lbs
August 29 - 170lbs

Long Term:
Christmas - 155lbs
Unknown - 135-140lbs

I know that I can lose the initial weight fast (but not too fast, I know). I think that 8 months to lose 45lbs is reasonable. I'm not going to diet, just eat smart, cutting down portion size, and exercising regularily.

Current BMI: 31.3 (Obese! Yikes!)
Pant Size: 14-15
Shirt Size: L
Dress Size: 12-14
Bra Size: 40D
Underwear: XL

Measurements:
Waist (at smallest point) - 34.5"
Hips (at bones) - 43"
Butt (at largest point) - 46.5"
Upper Thighs (L) - 28" (R) - 28"
Calves (L) - 15.5" (R) - 15.5"
Upper Arms (L) - 13" (R) - 13"
Neck - 14.5"


If you just read all that, thanks! I'm impressed someone sat through my ramblings, but I really appreciate it and would love your feedback/advice/criticisms

Rachel
 
Hey Rachel... congrats on your weightloss thus far! Getting below 200! YES! I'm almost there myself. Do you have any pics to show your before/progress?
 
Hey, that sounds pretty much similar to my life. I am also 21 but weigh slightly more (211lbs) but im also an inch shorter.

I love my curves too. Id give anything to lose my belly and thight but keep my butt (only more toned) and boobs! I hope I can manage!

Maybe we can help each other out with motivation and stuff. god knows i find it all to easyto give up.
 
Me and you sound very similar. I'm 20 and put on most of my weight in my first year of uni but put a great deal on during a 3 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I was 150 when I was 16 and I started my journey at just over 200 pounds. I've lost 27 pounds now through a healthy life-style and I know you can do this too. All the best, dude. xxx
 
Hopeful!

Thanks guys...a team effort is always a good thing, and it's so great to hear that I'm not alone.

Here are some pictures of me at my start weight. I am 8lbs lighter and I can't weight for more. Also, these are my motivational pictures, since they are terrible. There are other recent ones where I look better/smaller, but no need to fool myself, the truth is better.
 
hi! hahah dont feel bad about the "novel" you wrote. lol i type just as much on my diary and i just started mine too! im just blabbing away about random stuff.
anyways. goodluck to you! i know you can do it. i totally got you on the asthma thing. ive had it really bad since i was little, running is definately a challenge. im so out of breath i feel like im going to pass out sometimes or die. lol! it sucks.
you are such a beautiful girl! its great that you have old inspiration pics to look at, that should for sure help you out! well once again good luck to you! your gonna do awesome!!
 
I woke up feeling really good this morning. I am moving out of my place today. Lots of physical work, heavy lifting. My parents will be here in 2 hours and I'm in a rush to get everything together. They are taking me out for lunch after in celebration for another successful year at school. We're going to an italian place which is dangerous. I'm italian and can't resist. But this place has great garden salads and awesome veggie-rich soups. I just have to avoid the bread!

At the same time, I have been really good all week, and this is my treat from my parents, so maybe a lunch sized pasta with a tomato based sauce won't kill me. Especially since I'll be getting a good workout in.

I'm afraid I am fooling myself with this mindset, but if I don't treat myself once in a while, I'll go crazy! I'll just eat a light dinner with little to no carbs. (Maybe some mussels. Yum!)
 
Feeling Good!

So we ended up at a mexican place for lunch. I indulged. Had a nice full meal and an alcoholic drink at that. BUT, I don't feel guilty. I deserved it! For dinner I had a small sausage and grilled mushrooms, peppers, zucchini, and eggplant. All washed down with a cold water with lime, while my parents had red wine (my weakness!)

I don't have a scale when I'm at school, so I've really only had weekly weigh-ins when I come home. After eating all that food today, I weighed myself, and I'm still down a pound since Tuesday! OUT OF THE 200's!!!:hurray:

I can't wait to keep going. Usually if I had eaten what I had for dinner tonight, I'd be snacking within 2 hours, but my appetite has shrunk and I feel very satisfied, if not stuffed!

I've got orientation all day tomorrow for my new job (which doesn't start until july, but apparently safety training is something you should learn 2 months in advance)...so I need to pack a lunch. I bought some whole wheat wraps and I've got some brie cheese. I'm going to wrap it up with my leftover veggies from tonights dinner. For a snack I have one of those 90cal snack bags of chips....it's going to take me a while to cut them out, but it's better than me eating a whole large bag like I normally would.

It's a process!
 
So I've been eating a lot of veggies, which, go back 4 years, would have NEVER happened...But I tolerate a lot of them now, and even like a whole bunch. But my stomach has been feeling a bit uncomfortable and I have a lot of gas. My veggie wrap yesterday was delicious, and I will definitely want to work it into my regular meal plan (that I've made for myself), but I'm afraid that I will remain uncomfortable. Is this just temporary? (I wonder, and I hope).

I am home alone today. My sister is in Florida with her boyfriend, and both of my parents are at work. I prefer this. This way I can eat what I need to eat, and not feel self-concious, and not be tempted if they choose something large or unhealthy. I am also in charge of making dinner...Butter Chicken tonight! (for those of you who don't know, it's an indian dish, and not actually chicken cooked in butter) I'll pair it with some whole grain rice, and maybe some green beans or asparagus.

Unfortuantely, it's raining today, which means I can't really get outside. I love walking my dog, and we go down to the river to play. He's a 6yo miniature schnauzer names Emmett and I love him.

This is definitely one of those days where it would be so easy to lay in bed with my laptop and do nothing...gotta break that habit!
 
Just did 45 mins on the recumbent bike at a 6-7 resistance level. Feeling groovy. Legs are a little shaky since I haven't done it in sooooo long. Bike said I burned 500cals...don't know how accurate that is, but I don't care.

I did it while watching the latest episode of the Vampire Diaries that I had missed. Mindless, guilty pleasure TV to distract me from the exercise. Hit a plateau at around 18mins, but pushed through and the rest was easy. Kept it at a fairly high speed as well.

Maybe I'm not as out of shape as I thought I was. I need to stop weighing myself. I've been doing it every few hours, like I'm afraid that the scale lied and I'm back at my start weight. Anyone have any advice on how often I should step on the scale? Once a day? 3 days? a week?
 
Hey! Good luck on your journey! I know, I find that if I restrict myself to much I then bingebingebinge and fall of the wagon. And I hate that. I'm an emotional eater too....although I'm getting better. I understand how hard it is though when you just want to eat and not even cos you're hungry - it's the most frustrating thing afterwards! But I'm sure you can do it...best of luck! xxxx
 
Quiz Time!

I should have done this quiz a month ago, and the answers will be what I would have answered then (other than my current weight)...But I'm obviously eating differently now and have implemented exercise into my routine.


1. What is your current height and weight?
5'7, 198lbs

2. If you were at an ideal weight now, what would that weight be?
140lbs

3. At what weight would you like to be at four months from now?
170lbs

4. Why do you want to lose weight?
So many reasons: to be healthy, to have energy, to feel comfortable, to feel sexy, to be happy

5. Do you want to lose weight for a specific life event such as wedding or reunion? If so, when is that event?
I want to look great in my grad pictures that I will have to take next year.

6. What obstacles could get between you and your weight loss goals?
Binge eating, emotional eating, laziness, depression, social drinking

7. Why do you think that you now have a weight problem?
Poor self-esteem, depression, laziness, a general love of all food and alcohol

8. What lifestyle changes do you think would help you lose weight?
Smaller portions! Getting off the couch/out of bed, no late night snacking

9. Have you lost weight in the past? If so, what has worked in the past to help you lose weight?
I've lost a bit of weight through diets, but they've been pretty restrictive so I've quickly gained it back

10. Why do you believe that you did not lose weight or you gained the weight back?
As stated above, and I let emotional events affect me

12. Would you try writing down all food and drink consumed for a given period of time?
Yes, I would, and I have before...it's scary how much I intake sometimes

13. Do you cook at home often? If so, what do you cook?
I've been bad, but I'm back home from school now, so I'll be doing a lot of the cooking for the whole family

14. How often do you go out to eat? Where do you go?
Very often when I'm at school. Lots of thai food, sushi, Kelsey's restaurant.

15. What are your three favorite foods?
Chinese Food, Sushi, Pasta (rich creamy ones, usually with shrimp, scallops, and/or procuitto)


16. What are your three favorite restaurants?
AYCE Sushi, Chicago-Style Pizza, Le Chinios

17. What are three things you can do differently when it comes to food?
Limit portion size.
Eating less carbs (I love my rolls with butter, and breaded anything)
Eating more fruits and veggies

18. If you woke up tomorrow and your body was exactly the way you want it, what would be different?
I would have a flat stomach, no love handles, my thighs wouldn't touch, I would have 1 chin. I would be happy, energetic, and feel comfortable in my clothes

19. Do you eat when you are not hungry?
Always, I snack when I'm bored

20. Do you binge eat (large amounts at a time)?
Yes, and in secret. I wait until everyone goes to bed, then raid the cupboards

21. Do you hide your food or eat in secret?
Yes, I'll often steal bags of chips in keep them under my bed

22. Do you eat when you are sad, nervous, or depressed?
yes, it's a comfort

23. Do you eat as a reward?
Yes, I need to change that

24. Do you eat while watching TV or using the computer?
Yes, mindlessly

25. What do you normally eat for a meal?
Some sort of meat in a sauce, or something to dip it into, a veggie, and some starchy potato dish or rice, and a bun. Often with a glass of wine or a beer

26. What type of snacks do you eat?
Popcorn, chips, nachos...anything salty

27. In terms of exercise, what, if anything, are you currently doing?
Nothing

28. Where do you go for exercise? A local public gym? School/work gym?
No where

29. What, if anything, are your three favorite types of exercise?
swimming, dancing, eliptical

30. What is your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly motivation to move towards your goals?
I'm single now, and want to attract a cute boy...I also want to show my ex how hot I am and what he's missing out on haha

31. Do you have rewards for certain goals?
I usually reward with food and ice cream...but I want to reward with material things...If I reach my mini-goals I'll buy a new top or dress. Maybe a manicure or pedicure
 
Upset

A lot of my weight issues over the past 4 years has been due to my ex-boyfriend. When we were together I was very comfortable, and ate A TON. We had a lot of problems between the two of us and I would be very emotional and stressed and I would feed those problems. He was and is a very athletic guy. He trains in MMA and has muscles growing everywhere. He could lose 10lbs in a week and keep it off without even trying.

He told me when we were together that if I gained too much weight he would leave me. I was very upset at this, but I saw his reasoning: he felt that if I let things get out of hand that I was a danger to myself and he wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't have respect for their body, since he worked so well on his. After this, though, I was sooooo self-concious around him. Our sexlife dwindled away with each pound I put on. I never let him see me naked (lights off, covers on). We had a long-distance relationship and every time a longer period of time passed without seeing each other, when we would meet again he would feel up my sides and my stomach to see any changes. It gave me such anxiety.

I know that this all sounds bad, but it doesn't upset me anymore because it's in the past. We broke up august 2009, and we haven't spoken since October. This was by his request: he felt that if he wasn't with me, he couldn't see/speak to me b/c it would upset him too much. I miss him a lot, mainly because I miss him as a best friend and someone who I could be totally honest with, who understood me.

He now has a new girl friend, which didn't bother me at first, but now it's all I can think about. I finally worked up the courage today to email him and ask if we could be friends, even if that meant just chatting online every once in a while. We live in a small town, and right around the corner from each other; we're bound to have a run-in. This whole "pretend like we don't exist" thing is silly and immature. We were a huge part or eachothers lives for 3 years, doesn't that count for something?

For someone who wanted to cut me out of his life, he didn't commit fully. He still has me on facebook, msn, and apparently I'm still programmed into his phone. So now, since I can see that he's online, the fact that I haven't gotten a reply really upsets me. Why can't he just talk to me? I know I can't force him, but I know he wants to. He's spoken to my sister and asked about me and he ran into my mom the other day and had a conversation with her.

I'm feeling those old feelings: hurt, lonely, dejected. It makes me want to make a big bowl of buttery/salty popcorn and some ice cream...my comfort food.

As much as I am losing weight and getting healthy for myself, a lot of it is wanting to show him how great I am. Some will say I'm not over him, I don't think that's the case. I don't want to be with him, I just want him a part of my life. He was my best friend, and I miss that so much. I will always deeply care about him, even love him...I'm just not IN love with him.

And now that I'm back home, nothing to do, no job, no car, no entertainment, not many good friends left in the area, I'm feeling lonely and I am very aware that he is right around the corner in the same situation as me.

I ate healthy today, small portions, did 45 mins on the bike again...I'm just afraid of what's going to happen tonight when my parents go to bed and I'm left alone with my thoughts and my fridge.
 
He sounds like a piece of shit. My ex was an abusive piece of shit as well and your ex sounds vile. I've no idea why you'd *want* get in contact with someone who is responsible for so much hurt and anxiety. I sound like a huge bitch but it's good he's not been in contact. You're living your own life now and moving on and he's got a new girlfriend. I know it hurts that he's not replying to you but he's moved on with his life, ya know? You need to do the same. You're living for yourself now and you're improving your body--but you need to work on the issues that he's left you with. When someone controls you (whether it's making you feel shit about your body or whatever) it's hard to just let that person go because you feel like he's still a part of your life. But sometimes you just can't be friends with exes. I know I couldn't do it.

Be strong, darling. You dont need him to see how great you look.*YOU* know how great you look (or you should!) and your opinion is 10 times more important than his.

Feel better soon <3
 
RachelSilvana said:
I ate healthy today, small portions, did 45 mins on the bike again...I'm just afraid of what's going to happen tonight when my parents go to bed and I'm left alone with my thoughts and my fridge.
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Wow this sounds like the thoughts in my head a lot of the time! Keep yourself busy or go to the gym - being alone with thoughts of being alone is dangerous! Or call an old friend and spend an hour catching up - you can't eat and talk at the same time!!
Oh I love your pics btw! Your so gorgeous and your pics from when you were 17/18 are so motivating! You will get there again - just stay motivated and consistent and if you give in to your feelings just try harder at the next choice you have to make. I'm sure your ex isn't responding because he is trying really hard to get over you and move on with his new girlfriend and if he starts seeing you and talking to you again it will bring up all those emotions he is trying to put past him - you should concentrate on doing the same thing. You have to realize you won't be best friends anymore - it's just not possible and move forward. Try to forget the past however hard that will be. I dated someone for 6 years when I was really young - first love and I still think I am not totally over him. I tried so many times to make a mends and try to be friends again and only ended up getting hurt again and again. It took him moving cities for me to not think about him everyday and sometimes I still find myself thinking about him when I see his mom or brother but I am very much in love with my fiance and will never look back. It was hard though and took a long time so don't be surprised you are still feeling for him - it's been less than a year! Keep your head up and remember you are changing your habits for so many reasons: to be healthy, to have energy, to feel comfortable, to feel sexy, to be happy!! you will find love again!!
 
I have to say that after reading your last post about your ex not responding to you sounds a whole lot like me after I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years.

From my point of view, he is probably just trying to move on with his life. Don't ask him to be friends - it might be bothersome to him. Just let things be. Do your own thing - be strong and hold your own. You don't need to ask for his friendship. It's too early for that. Live YOUR life, and let him live his. It's hard, very hard, but don't think it's any easier for him. Sometimes you just have to focus on YOU, as much as you want to be around that person, or talk to that person, or know how that person is doing. It's all about YOU right now. Things will work themselves out in time. If you stop trying to reach out to him, eventually he will probably reach out to you.

Use this time to make a change. And down the road when you two meet again, he will see just what he is missing out on!!! You're beautiful! Good luck on your journey!

~ Sarah
 
I'm feeling better about it today...and I didn't give in last night so that makes me feel good.

You're right, and he's not worth it. I'm just getting nostalgic from being back home. He is a child. He won't talk to me, but he has spoken to my sister and told her to tell me that he loves me with all his heart and always will...but then won't speak to me? I don't like these mind games...I just want things to be civil so it's not crazy awkward and that we can be friendly. We have a lot of the same friends and we live in such a small town. I'm such an awkward person too, so I'd feel so strange hanging out in a small group of people and him being there but us not acknowledging each others' existence. But I made the effort, if he wants to be lame and not respond, then he's the child and I will take the high road.

I worked through my frustration today and did some great cardio. Had eggs (1 whole egg, 1 egg-white only, scrambled together with some pepper) for breakfast with 1 slice of whole grain WW toast, an activia yogurt, and a medium sized home-made open faced burger with lean meat, lettuce, onion, tomato and mustard on a thin flatbread rather than a burger bun for lunch. I just enjoyed a lovely meal of oven-baked tilapia encrusted with coconut and mango with an oil and vinegar salad with tomatos, avocado and onion in it...along with some grilled green pepper, portabello mushrooms and zucchini for dinner. Going to go and make myself some tea with no sugar or milk.

I've also lost another pound! Down to 197 now! Only 12 to go to reach my birthday goal (June 29th)...I think I might reach it early, which would be fantastic!

11lbs isn't huge, but I can feel a difference. Things fit so much better and you can really see it in my neck/chin/lower face area.

I am missing wine so much! I'm used to having a glass or two with dinner. My parents had some tonight and I was jealous. I didn't tempt myself, I just let the envy take over me for a couple minutes, but then I focussed on my great tasting healthy meal.

I'm going to a Stag and Doe for an engaged couple I know next Friday (the 7th) so I decided that if I stick to this healhty living, I will treat myself and drink that night: but ONLY that night!
 
Just to make it clear:

I want to thank you guys for being so supportive about this. Because of where I live and how long we were together, I don't have many people to talk to who aren't bias. It's hard to keep a clear head!

I can't wait to meet someone who treats me right...I have to treat myself right first.
 
RachelSilvana said:
I'm feeling better about it today...and I didn't give in last night so that makes me feel good.
I don't like these mind games...I just want things to be civil so it's not crazy awkward and that we can be friendly. We have a lot of the same friends and we live in such a small town. I'm such an awkward person too, so I'd feel so strange hanging out in a small group of people and him being there but us not acknowledging each others' existence. But I made the effort, if he wants to be lame and not respond, then he's the child and I will take the high road.
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I'm so glad you are feeling better and not letting him get to you and your weight loss goals! I totally understand the awkwardness though - especially with having the same friends - I am an awkward person too so I totally get it. I've been in that situation before and what I try to do is look my best before I go so my confidence is up and then if you see him say hello nicely and smile but then move right on to someone else and start a conversation - pretend like seeing him didn't even phase you - or if he is responsive start a little conversation but make it clear you are not there to see him. I understand wanting things to be civil and until you have both moved on for some time that probably won't happen. If you become civil and you still have feelings for each other then you will continue to go back to eachother even though it's probably best you are apart and then it will take years to get over him. Just saying from experience.
I love wine too and my parents drink it with dinner most nights too but you just have to remember the empty calories and soon you won't crave it with dinner. Or if you have room for a snack have it by itself after dinner so you appreciate it more.
Your doing great - keep it up!
 
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