looking for an answer

I don't think I'm contradicting myself at all.

I can tell someone that I don't like what they're doing without getting mad...can't you?

A reaction does not have to be in anger...it can take many forms.

I think I'm up to a dime now.... :)
 
Fatguy...

Didn't mean to hijack the thread with a debate on anger management :)

I think the general consensus is "talk to her again in the right setting"...if it helps, good. If it doesn't, it's up to you to decide whether to get upset or get over it.

E.
 
KaraCooks said:
Ok, having been in FGs place with my own spouse in the past, I'm going to disagree. :)

(FG, don't you love being talked about in the third person like this? *grin*)

Seriously though ... I get the impression that FG *doesn't care* what she eats - it's the fact that she goes out of her way to be bitchy about it. Now I may be pushing my own situation on what I'm reading, but it's not always about choosing to be upset. My ex used to come in and intentionally eat chips in front of me - making "mmmmm" noises and saying things like "too bad you can't have any of these, they're really good". Just out of sheer meanness. And yes, in that case it DOES matter what he eats - because many times he wasn't eating them because he wanted them. He was eating them intentionally to taunt me or try to get me to "cheat" ... because then he could say "see .. you're not all that. you can't even keep from eating potato chips". (And yes, he did that too. Which is why we're ex ... but that's a different subject entirely.)
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If his wife was intentionally eating crappy food in front of him just to piss him off, then she would be directly comparable to a school bully - someone that does things just to piss people off. In the case of bullies, you can always choose to ignore them. The sad part is, most people don't. Most people choose to take everything to heart which does nothing but make them extremely upset over something that is ultimately meaningless and childish.

Do I agree that there are certain circumstances in which emotions can directly control somebody's reactions? Yes, absolutely. But, something as trivial and childish as this certainly isn't one of those circumstances.

KaraCooks said:
No, but if he made fun of me whenever I was on the treadmill or mocked me or rolled his eyes at me and made comments like "jesus. you're gonna get on that damned thing again?" ... I'd get mad at him for intentionally tearing me down.

While I agree that 90% .. maybe even 99% of the time ... "suck it up and quit being a selfish jerk" is the answer, I don't think that's the case here.

There are times that "you choose to get upset" is a bullshit answer. Because sometimes people - especially those who know you well enough to push your buttons - do it intentionally and maliciously.

And again, this is from the perspective that I have from being there. I could be wrong.
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Once again, I think that FG...I love how we're talking as if he's not here, HAHAHA...I think that FG needs to realize that his wife might be feeling the same exact way, resulting from what he is doing. I honestly think this is just one of those things were somebody needs to be the bigger person and just end it.

"Honey, I'm sorry for getting upset with you for ordering and eating greasy, fatty and tempting foods in front of me. It's difficult to eat healthy when you do such a thing, but that doesn't give me the right to be upset with you. I know that you love me and I know that you want me to get healthy, but it just felt as if you were doing it on purpose, just to piss me off. You are my wife and I love you. I'm truly sorry for getting upset with you. I apologize."

-or-

"Honey, I'm sorry for ordering greasy, fatty and tempting foods in front of you. It just felt as if you were trying to send me signals that I was fat and needed to start eating better, like you have started doing. I got upset and started ordering crappy food in front of you on purpose, but I'm sorry. I know you love me just the way I am and I hope you know that I feel the same way. I don't want to discourage you from losing weight and I'm sorry for being childish."

...that's all it takes, you know?
 
Do I agree that there are certain circumstances in which emotions can directly control somebody's reactions? Yes, absolutely. But, something as trivial and childish as this certainly isn't one of those circumstances.
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Perhaps the key here is that we see the "offense" differently. :)

I don't see it as being "trivial" and "childish" when your spouse - your life partner, the person who is supposed to support you and care about you - goes out of his or her way to tear you down, dig at you, undermine you, or intentionally make you feel bad. I see that as a pretty serious violation of what you agree to when you marry someone - to love and support them.

So maybe that's the difference in our perspectives: I think this type of action on the part of a spouse is much more than "trivial". It's hurtful and hateful.
 
wow this thread kinda blew up in my face, lol. Kara is hitting the nail on the head here, I honestly don't care what she eats (echo?), I'm so used to walking through a shopping mall, or smelling mcdonalds at work, etc, etc..i don't even get tempted to eat the same things she does when it's right in front of me, the food is not the problem, it's the intent. and it's not as easy as just "choosing to get over it" because i've decided to spend the rest of my life with this person, I want to get to the root of the problem, and not just "get over it" so to speak. I will love my wife if she's fat or skinny or skinny fat or whatever, but when she is maliciously trying to derail my progress (even though it's not going to work) we have to find the root of the problem, and chef, you may be correct in your guess that my eating healthy is making her do this as a defense mechanism, I will have to ponder that for a bit...she's generally not that type of person though...but i suppose she not generally malicious either.lol
 
Hehe. Sorry about the derailment.

I think despite the disagreement about all the rest - we all agree that talking from a neutral position would be the best way to handle it.

I think even though someone isn't normally "that type of person", feeling insecure or scared can make them do things that aren't part of their normal makeup. It does sound like your wife is scared about these changes.

I'm gonna ramble for a minute: I actually lost two really good friends when I changed my life and started losing weight. I've always been a "foodie" - I love to cook, I love to try new things, and I love to eat. And I'm not the type of person to use "low fat" or "diet" foods. I still don't in my newer, healthier lifestyle - I've just learned that I don't have to slather my bread with butter - I can have a taste. :) But .. anyway.

I had two friendships that revolved around food. We all loved to cook. We all loved to eat. We were all fat. Going out on a Friday or a Saturday night meant going to the pub and ordering a double order of blue cheese chips and a burger and drinking Guinness. Getting together on a Sunday afternoon meant cooking out - chips, dips, salsa, burgers and dogs on the grill, potato salad slathered in mayo, etc. Meeting after a stressful day at work for a drink was not just a glass of wine or a cocktail - it was always margaritas and chips and queso at the local Mexican place. I shudder to think of how many calories I must have put away with these friends.

When I started losing weight and eating healthier, that had to change. I couldn't continue to do those things. I would still go out with them, but I wouldn't eat what they ate. And ... to be honest .. I had to start saying no to going out because I couldn't eat bar food 3-4 times a week and lose weight.

At first it was ok - they'd tease me but also encourage me. They'd help me find things on the menu that were healthy. And then I started losing weight. I dropped 30 lbs. I went down 3 pant sizes. My one girlfriend who I used to go clothes shopping with (usually after a breakfast at IHOP :D ) - we couldn't shop together any more because she was still buying things at Lane Bryant and I couldn't wear anything there any more. I always went with her and helped her pick things out, but when we went into the Gap or Old Navy or any other store that didn't have plus-sized clothing, I could tell she was hurt and angry. And it became not so much fun for us to shop together any more.

Anyway ... long story short, these two friends and I drifted away. Eventually the one woman just stopped returning my calls and we haven't seen each other in over a year. It hurt a lot ... but my therapist pointed out that probably from her point of view, I'd abandoned our friendship. Our friendship that revolved around food and eating and being able to shop together and not feel bad ... suddenly didn't revolve around those things any more.

The other friend I still talk to, but we don't do anything together much any more because I won't go spend an evening drinking and eating junk.

All of that to say, I think it's harder when it's your spouse involved - because she can't just end the friendship or pull back or not invite you out to eat anymore. She can see all these changes in you and even if she's never been "that type" before, she's probably reacting out of fear. Up until now your relationship in part has been based on shared food experiences. Going out and sharing an appetizer and dessert is kinda romantic, you know? Sharing food is intimate - you don't do it with strangers for the most part. And suddenly you're not doing that any more. In some ways, that could be interpreted as a form of rejection.

It's scary when someone you love or care about makes huge changes in their lives. It's why friendships end when someone gets married or has a kid or becomes the first in the group to get a real job out of college - priorities change and it takes real work to maintain ties when there's a change of priorities.

I dunno... maybe I'm babbling here. But I can see both sides. And I do think that talking it out in a neutral location and reassuring your wife that you really love her and that no matter what she eats or what you eat .. you're still going to love her - I think that would help. :)
 
Question for ya FG...

You say you stay on track about 85% of the time...

What % of the meals that you eat with your wife are you staying on track? For me, I "stay on track" very well in the mornings and at lunch (while at work). When I get home, I tend to get a little wreckless with my eating. Is it possible that the 15% you're off track appears to be a much larger % to your wife, so when you want the chicken or the salad she thinks you're being hypocritical?

Just a thought.

E.
 
fitforaking said:
Question for ya FG...

You say you stay on track about 85% of the time...

What % of the meals that you eat with your wife are you staying on track? For me, I "stay on track" very well in the mornings and at lunch (while at work). When I get home, I tend to get a little wreckless with my eating. Is it possible that the 15% you're off track appears to be a much larger % to your wife, so when you want the chicken or the salad she thinks you're being hypocritical?

Just a thought.

E.
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that's a very good thought E, but when I slip, it is always alone, I never slip when I eat dinner, unless I have alotted for it, for instance, on sunday, I always allow myself one cheat meal, I usually let my wife pick so she can have something that she has maybe missed out on due to my healthy eating, that can involve pizza, mexican, hamburgers, whatever...if it's pizza I have a couple slices and do as much damage control as possible...but other than one meal on sunday, if I choose to eat badly, it is generally by myself, over lunch i'll have a big mac, or something like that, we both work full time, and we rarely eat lunch together so...I hope that answers your question. Also, dinner almost every week night consists of chicken because my mother is an accountant for MBA chicken here in nebraska, and I can get 40 lbs of quality boneless, skinless breasts for 15.00. She is fine with us eating well when we're at home, it seems to be at restaurants where her Mrs. Hyde comes out.
 
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