background/history
I have always been overweight. When I was younger, I thought it was worse than it was...I thought I was fatter than I was when I look back at high school pictures. I had very low self esteem. I hovered around 150 maybe, but did do a lot of crash dieting. After high school, my highest weight was 180, and would lose some and gain it back for the new few years. When I was about 25, I started having a lot of GI problems which caused me to eat less. I got down to about 140 at that point and then became pregnant with my first daughter at 27. I probably gained 45-50lbs during that pregnancy. My daughter was a very sick baby (long story) and hospitalized with an undiagnosed condition. I was very depressed and didn't eat much at all and lost all the baby weight fairly fast, probably a little more. After she was diagnosed and treated and I got help for my depression, of course I started eating in my normal dysfunction way and wandered back up to 180-200. I was about 200 lbs. in 2001 when I became pregnant with daughter #2. Gained about 50+lbs. Didn't really lose much after she was born, maybe 20 lbs. I stayed around 230 until about the last year or two where I've just let myself go all to heck and managed to get up to 269.
I've done the usual crash diets, low fat, low carb (atkins) and they all worked somewhat. I lost 50lbs on Atkins around 1999 but I couldn't stick to it longterm, and when I stopped, it seemed like I could pack it on quicker than before. I would try to low carb again but it was totally not working like it did first time around.
I really just gave up. Tried to learn to like myself the way I was. I was always self conscious but I just loved eating too much. I couldn't work out the emotional aspect of it. I could go on and on and probably will later on!
Anyway, about a year ago I started having gallbladder problems and was afraid I was going to have to have surgery. I was having pain and "sludge" in my gallbladder but it would eventually clear out. That scared me into starting to eat low fat and less to avoid a gallbladder attack. I was also told I have high cholesterol and a fatty liver (but that it could be reversed by losing weight). Soon, I realized that I lost 11lbs. That was awesome. I could actually lose weight without some weird diet gimmick. Yet, I was still not ready emotionally. Took me another year and many more realizations and false starts to finally get to the point where I said this is my last shot, I'm going to announce it to everybody and I'm going to give it my all. I had had enough of being too tired to go mall shopping with the girls or being squished in the movie seat and all the millions of other things...How sad it would be to die from something that I, myself, could have prevented. I'm always about taking charge and doing something, but that was the one thing that I never could get a hold on.
What really got me was I did not recognize the person I saw in photographs. I had literally come to disgust my own self! And be ashamed of what I was modeling for my girls. Would I embarass them? I knew I was better than this. So, the biggest change this time around was mentally. Accepting that there are no quick fixes, no magic pills. It will be a long haul but I tell myself things like, a year will pass whether you lose weight or not, how good will it feel when a year passes and there's less of me (or how bad I'll feel if there's not). Keep my eye on the prize when I'm weak. Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels, etc. I run them through my head daily.
I feel so much better! I have tons more energy. I don't hate "having" to go upstairs in my own house, or walking the dogs. I actually look forward to things I used to hate. Even if I were to be stuck at this spot, I am still so much better off than I was. My house is even cleaner, lol!!
And now I have to go work (I have a petsitting/dogwalking service) darnnit, because I have so much more to say...
I'm so glad to have found this place!
LisaIsLosingIt
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