Let's get serious again

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Thank you! :)

You are right, it's not good to have big deficits all the time. That's why I give myself at least one break day from exercise as well as diet (without going excessive). My target for every week is an 8000 calorie deficit. I don't need 7 days to do that. I usually have one or two days with a 2000 calorie deficit, then two more with a 1500 calorie deficit and one with a 1000 calorie deficit. That's already enough (in fact, I have to be careful not to exceed 8000 calories). What I do on a particular day depends mostly on my exercise routine, and on what I did the previous days (so, today I will probably get at least a 1500 calorie deficit, because I ate more yesterday; however, when I have had a 2000 calorie deficit the day before, I try to create a smaller deficit the day after).

And yeah also exercise should be realistic, fun and healthy! I like to become better, fitter, stronger, healthier... but I no longer do it to be able to respect and accept myself, or to get recognition from others. I already do that, and I try not to be dependent on other people's judgement. Therefore, my original goal of doing more triathlons (before, and when joining this site, as you can see from my nickname) and becoming good at them has become much less important. I think I will do more, but only when I feel like it.

@Sunflower_ - Will tell you afterwards! Yeah it's really a shame, it would have been so much fun! But we'll do something else instead, hopefully just as much fun! :)
 
The date was fine. I really liked her, but my expectation was true: she likes her independence. It turns out that she never had a serious relationship (she's also 30). So, that's interesting. My last serious relationship was 12 years ago, so I guess I am similar (though my main reason to postpone it is to get my shit together first... which took longer than expected). I was pretty anxious during the date, and I found it hard to concentrate and think. That was a bit annoying, but I just pushed through.

We cycled, walked and then we had a coffee. During all this time, we talked about a lot of topics. I let her know that I think that in any relationship, people should be free. She agreed with that. We had some deep conversations, I liked that, and had a few laughs. I think we could be a match, and when I asked her for a second date she said that she wasn't sure, but she agreed to give ice skating another go. I told her that it's ok if she changes her mind.

I think she finds it hard to commit, and I think she saw that I was anxious. I hope she also saw that I didn't whine about it and made the best of it, and that she sees some potential. I also hopes that she dares to allow someone in her life (and hopefully me ;)), I hope that she saw that I am not someone who wants to take her freedom away. And finally I hope that we can do this second date and that I am less anxious then, so that we can just have some fun!

Anyways, what I also learned (from the previous dates) is that I should try to stay as calm as possible. My life is getting better and better. I give myself and my life a score of 7.5 now (looking to confidence, financial security, physical health, character strength, purpose, stress, happiness, relationships), but I am sure that later this year that I can give it at least a 9. The reason that I am saying this is that I should not fear that this girl is my only chance.

That said, I like her and right now I hope that we can make this work! :)

PS: dating advice is welcome (from both men and women; to the women... what would you think if your date is a bit anxious/is acting like I describe here?). Thanks in advance! It's always a nice topic to talk about, isn't it?
 
Btw, while it's not the most important thing on my mind now... I have got something to report: my weight is 90.6 kg now, which is another record low for 2017, and it means that I am now less than 200 lbs (around 199.5). I try to focus on a healthy/fulfilling lifestyle (the long term process/change), instead of numbers, but some numbers have a psychological value and why not use them as an excuse to celebrate?

My next 3 milestones:
89.9 kg (less than 90; since I am actually on "team metric", which I use 99.99% of the time, this is more meaningful than the 200 lbs line ;))
89 kg (less than my lowest weight in 2016)
87 kg (halfway between 2016 starting point (98 kg) and my end goal (76 kg)
 
Congratulations on the next milestone! My thought when a guy seems nervous on the first date is that he cares enough to want it to go well and that he doesn´t take it for granted that all women will automatically worship him. I don´t think I know any grown women who see that as a negative, but then it´s always hard to know what will set of any particular woman´s creep-detector. And I think that the fact we´re usually socialized to be "nice" even when we´re bored, annoyed or even completely freaked out can make it harder for men to detect when we´re not feeling it 100%.
 
Thanks LaMa. Good to hear your perspective. I encourage her a lot to just let her know how she feels, and I keep giving her a lot of opportunities to not continue our dating (for example, in the middle of the date, after the walk, I told her that we can go to the train station or we can follow our plan and get a coffee. I really want her to feel totally free, I thinks she likes that especially (I think she really finds it hard to allow someone in her life) and I would want to have that opportunity too if I didn't like my date).

This video expresses what I mean:

I just let her know that I may have been a bit nervous, and that it's not on her and that I enjoyed it a lot anyways. She said that it is ok if we have our luggage that we need to sort out, that she has her own and that she may have a factor in it too and that we can sort that out, that that's part of the journey. I liked that. Made (and still makes) me feel really emotional when she said that (I am hardly ever emotional). This is exactly what was bothering me. I have tried for YEARS to get my life in order. I have been a hopeless wreck. Completely lost. I was trying, but nothing seemed to work. I was surviving, but that's it. My life was at a standstill. Dating was out of the question, I believed that girls would not want me, and even if they did, I did not want to be a burden. Eventually I learned some things that helped me (starting with my deconversion from christianity), and my life began to improve again, slowly at first but sometimes more quickly. It still took me quite some time to get to solve most issues, but I think that I am done with it. Last year it was also going really well, and I wanted to start dating again, but I found it really hard. Now it's going even better, but I think there is still this idea that it's hard to imagine that a girl would want someone like me, especially with my history (the worst part is taking 10 years to finish his BSc studies; the best part is perhaps that I did manage to finish in the end).

Anyways, this was a good lesson I think. I am close to crying now, but I am glad that I am able to feel this now. It's good to be able to feel this, to be connected again to my emotions.

As she told me, she has her journey too, and I hope that I can be meaningful for her as well, while having a good time. I now realize that I am not the only one who tries to give someone space and freedom, but she is doing the same for me. I love that.

If you have come this far, well, I hope that you liked this ride on my emotional rollercoaster! I promise that there is more to come, I may look and seem tough, and I can be, but inside I am also very emotional (and I am not ashamed of that) :)
 
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with being emotional. I think it shows that you do care. I hope you do get that second date, Tri.
 
Thanks cate! Yes, I do care a lot! :)

Woke up around 6 AM. Bit early, but I don't feel like sleeping more. Will use this to go exercising in the morning at the gym, which opens at 7 am. First morning gym visit ever in my life. Let's see why LaMa likes morning workouts so much! ;)

Just weighed myself. My weight was 89.8 kg (198 lbs)! Another sudden drop! To be honest, I am not surprised, I had a 2500+ calorie deficit yesterday. The emotions inside of me don't leave much room for food. Love is taking a lot of space. Managed to eat a few slices of bread with cheese in the evening. Also, I expected to have some excess water weight (from all that exercise last week and from eating salty food on Saturday).

Anyways, I expect my weight to increase again during this week... probably to 90.5-91 kg. I mean this week I will have to eat more than yesterday if I want to be able to do my work well and everything. Sometimes you have these freaky low numbers. It's a good sign, but you shouldn't take it too serious. However, if I just keep my normal eating/exercise routine, I can start staying under 90 kg in a week or so. It's the process that I should focus on, not the results. And this process should be healthy, because the result that I want is not just weight loss, but more importantly, to be extremely vital and healthy.
 
Hi Tri. My advice for the dating - just presume she likes you unless she says otherwise. If you overthink it, keep giving her windows to make her escape, you're pretty much setting yourself up for failure. You said you found it hard to concentrate and think during the date - it's not a sudoku puzzle! It should be about fun and relaxation and not thinking!

I also wasted a lot of my 20s trying to get my shit together, there's loads of us out there, so I wouldn't even worry about that anymore. It's nice that you and this girl are on the same page. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound that promising that she'll go out with you again but there's loads of other women out there, don't worry. ;)
 
All of what EmilyRose said.
IAmGoingToTri said:
I had a 2500+ calorie deficit yesterday. The emotions inside of me don't leave much room for food. Love is taking a lot of space. Managed to eat a few slices of bread with cheese in the evening.
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I don't want to make light of your feelings but what's keeping you from eating is nervous excitement, not love (yet). It's sometimes hard to know the difference because all those bad books and films like to pretend they're the same thing but it's worth learning as it helps to keep things in perspective when you're just getting to know someone. Call me a cynical old bitch but it really helps to keep things light for a while
 
Thanks for your realism. I decided to stop giving her opportunities to get out... she gets the point now. I decided that after I said it one last time yesterday, but I also said that she would let go of a great guy (I phrased it better... but I said it half jokingly, but I thought it would be good to finish it off with that).

But you got your shit much more together now Emilyrose, right? You are right that it makes no sense to worry about it.

You are right that it's not a puzzle. I guess I was just stressed, because the idea of dating has so many associations with it (that I am in the process of letting go off), and I had some other things on my mind. Sometimes I have weeks that I feel GREAT, but sometimes I feel a bit worse. A bit like a sinus wave. Not an extreme one, the bottom is about a 5/10 (how good I feel) and the top is a 9/10 or something. I have also been procrastinating some things, but I have already attacked the most important ones and I will continue doing so during the rest of the week.

One thing that dating does to me (also with previous girls) is that I get another reason to get my shit together. My last date (barely 2 months ago) gave me the motivation to get serious about developing a healthy lifestyle again and losing weight... and look where I am! First I quit smoking, I started exercising and I am doing that a lot, I started cooking for myself again and I lost 8 kgs. I guess she didn't know that she motivated me to do this though. And, by the way, I am actually happy now that it didn't work out with that girl. Funny how time can change things.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound that promising that she'll go out with you again but there's loads of other women out there, don't worry. ;)
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Could you explain what you mean by this? You seem to be contradicting yourself. Anyways, you are right that I should not worry and that I should not see this as my only chance! However, I think the next date could be much more relaxed. If not, well then perhaps we'll move on. We will see.

@LaMaria - You are right, it's nervous excitement, not love. I really appreciate you telling me that, it's good to know the truth. I am sure that remembering that will help me keep it light. And that's important, I guess love only develops if you can get to know each other in a relaxed way.

#Update - I just did my morning exercises at the gym. I arrived around 7:10. I think this is the first time that I did this in the morning (inspired by you, LaMa ;)). I liked it, will probably do this more often. I did 6 km of rowing and 10 km of cycling.
 
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IAmGoingToTri said:
I really want her to feel totally free, I thinks she likes that especially (I think she really finds it hard to allow someone in her life) and I would want to have that opportunity too if I didn't like my date).
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I'd second what LaMa said about keeping it light.. You seem quite intense with all your feelings, I'm not sure if you come across that way in person but it might be a bit heavy for first date stuff..Keep it casual my friend. If she likes you, groovy, if not, you've only met her once so it's not like you'll be horribly crushed I hope! Ice skating will be super fun - hopefully you'll get a 2nd date so you can give it a go!
 
About it not sounding promising that she'll go out with you again: it's true that around here "maybe" often means "I don't really want to but I don't know how intens you'll get if I simply say no and I really want to end this night without getting any bones broken". Not quite sure how well that translates internationally though. In general anything other than a spontaneous, enthusiastic yes is a no.
 
LaMaria said:
About it not sounding promising that she'll go out with you again: it's true that around here "maybe" often means "I don't really want to but I don't know how intens you'll get if I simply say no and I really want to end this night without getting any bones broken". Not quite sure how well that translates internationally though. In general anything other than a spontaneous, enthusiastic yes is a no.
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You may be right, but I will just stop thinking about it. There is a chance that we just both found a date stressful (we both don't do it a lot) and when that initial stress goes away, that it's just very good. Might not be. We'll see. Despite all the times that I said that she is free to not go, we will do a second date this Friday, so that's good.

Don't get me wrong, I am not ignoring your feedback. Quite the opposite, I take it all to heart and I appreciate it a lot :). I got that I should relax and everything. I will do that. I also learn that I can relax more in general, and think a little bit less about dates and everything. But, while it is nice to learn all of these things, I am not (just) dating to learn life lessons. I want to find my match. This girl may be it.

I am sure you have all heard of relationships that were difficult at first that turned out great. This is nothing compared to what I heard. Of course it's ideal if every date was great from the start on, and of course the chances are better if the first date is great, but then again, there are exceptions to every rule.

That said, I will continue to focus on what I have to do this week; make good progress with my projects at work, exercise, eat well, do some chores that really need to get done and, do some relaxation exercises (meditation/mindfulness/journaling).
 
All this reading up on dating - it wasn't until I found my bride-to-be that I got it: you're looking for a best friend. It's a strange thing to be "auditioning" a friend, but that's really what it is. Beyond all the romancing, impressing and physical stuff, you really want someone you'll enjoy spending time with when you're not doing all that. That's why the advice "be yourself" rings so true, because being someone else is exhausting, and if you have to be that someone for too long, you won't be happy. Plus you're friends won't like "Relationship Tri", so you can't hang out with her AND them.
 
Little John said:
All this reading up on dating - it wasn't until I found my bride-to-be that I got it: you're looking for a best friend. It's a strange thing to be "auditioning" a friend, but that's really what it is. Beyond all the romancing, impressing and physical stuff, you really want someone you'll enjoy spending time with when you're not doing all that. That's why the advice "be yourself" rings so true, because being someone else is exhausting, and if you have to be that someone for too long, you won't be happy. Plus you're friends won't like "Relationship Tri", so you can't hang out with her AND them.
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I completely agree with this! Thanks for your wisdom, John! :)

Just to be sure: I am not consciously trying to impress her. In fact we talked about it during the date and we agreed that we were looking for someone to be ourselves with, that it is silly to act as if you are perfect, because no one is. Unconsciously, I guess that coming across well is on my mind. But letting of that now. Let's just relax. No matter the outcome, nothing can go wrong. :)

@Sunflower_ - that's awesome! :D
 
IAmGoingToTri said:
But you got your shit much more together now Emilyrose, right? You are right that it makes no sense to worry about it.
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Ha, sometimes. But I think I have more an idea of where I want to go. And I have definitely made some changes.

IAmGoingToTri said:
Could you explain what you mean by this? You seem to be contradicting yourself. Anyways, you are right that I should not worry and that I should not see this as my only chance! However, I think the next date could be much more relaxed. If not, well then perhaps we'll move on. We will see.
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Just going on my own experiences - if someone seems unsure about whether they want a second date, they probably don't. Sorry! I had to learn the hard way when a guy I was seeing kept cancelling the second date, then by the time we went on it, he told me he wasn't interested. :(
 
Emilyrose said:
Ha, sometimes. But I think I have more an idea of where I want to go. And I have definitely made some changes.
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Some changes is a start.

Emilyrose said:
Just going on my own experiences - if someone seems unsure about whether they want a second date, they probably don't. Sorry! I had to learn the hard way when a guy I was seeing kept cancelling the second date, then by the time we went on it, he told me he wasn't interested. :(
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Ha I know that it is unlikely. I also expect that it probably will not work. But that does not keep me from trying! ;)

Sorry to hear that story though, was it recent? I hope that it didn't damage your confidence.

I won't let it get me down. Everything that will happen makes me stronger. I learned so much from this, this experience is already a huge boost to my growth. Here are some lessons:

1: I tend to take things to seriously. I am always focussed on fixing things in my life. A bit too much. I mean, what I am doing now is fine, doing it on an internet forum as a way to reflect and get good advice (you are awesome! :D). But I carry that mindset with me all the time, and it infects so many of my conversations and my thoughts (and consequently, my behavior). All the while, I could also just have fun with people. I kind of knew this about me, but now I am seeing it very clearly and I am daring to look it in the face. I also feel that it is in my power to change this; it's just a matter of what I cultivate in every moment in my life... do I look for connection and fun in conversations, or do I look for someone to help me (directly or indirectly)? When do I find it easy to be relaxed and fun? How could I do that more? And why do I focus so much on always changing?
2: I still struggle with my past. Another thing that's good to call for what it is.
3: I have some things in my life that I keep neglecting, and that affects me; it gives me stress, it makes me a little bit ashamed, sometimes guilty as well, and I take this with me (in the background) in my interactions. Lesson here: I should get my shit together, and just as importantly, I should worry less about these things.
4: I tend to feel tense a lot and I find it hard to deal with my feelings. There are many things that I can do to improve that, such as meditation, relaxation exercises, etc.

I have learned a lot of lessons in the past years, but (some of) these lessons are among the most profound that I learned, they are touching my soul. I can see how these things developed in the past, but that's not what's most important, I can also see that if I start making other changes, small things, every day, that I can steer it in a positive direction again. More often choose to make some jokes with people, instead of talking about talking about serious things of life. Or just to show interested in the small things of life, that can be so beautiful, but are easily missed. Meditate 5 or 10 minutes somewhere on the day. Embrace my chores (like I did with cooking a few weeks ago... it's a very fulfilling part of my day now).

Yesterday, I felt tempted to fight very hard this week and fix all of my problems before my date. Well, now that seems unrealistic and, frankly, foolish. I can also accept myself now, and just start making those small changes I just talked about. Perhaps not even all of them now, but some of them to start and then let it grow.

And I should not do it to be accepted by her. I should do it for me, because I want to take good care of me and be a positive person.
 
Bigger goals/activities for today:
- work for 9 hours at work, make good progress learning for an exam
- organize my home in the evening
- go to the gym tonight

Little things that I want to differently (the goal of this list is not to finish it, it's more pointing to a new direction that I want to go in):
- meditate for about 10 minutes around lunchtime
- experiment a bit with what I focus on in conversations
- do something fun tonight, if only brief
- spend less time on my computer in the evening
- do something creative
- reconnect with someone from my old university
- do something that I fear
- reflect a bit and cut out some things that don't add anything to my life, that just make me negative (some YouTube channels, for example).
 
Ok, I wrote an edit to the post above, but I was to late to post it.

Yesterday I made some conclusions that are extremely profound (to me), and I think am on a crossroads, ready to take another direction. I want to learn to enjoy life more, to have a good time, to feel good. And I want things just to be good, by taking my responsibilities every day (in little steps), so that I get much less trouble and I don't have to worry about it. So I want a more balanced life, a richer life.

Not saying my life until this point was bad, I think I did my best and I still like who I was, and am. Just happy to see that there are other possibilities now, and I am now finally ready to go there now.

I guess the new title for this thread should be:
"Let's get less serious and learn to relax, play and have fun with life"
 
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