Let's get less serious and learn to relax and have fun with life

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Planned for today: 5k of rowing, 30k of cycling and 10k of running.

Having hit my 88.0 kg milestone, I now look to the next one: 86.0. I did a little investigation to find out what becoming 86.0 kg would mean to me. I remember that the last time that I was that weight, I was participating in an exercise/diet research study, and at the start of the study they did a DEXA scan on me, which gave me a good estimation of my body fat percentage. I found the results of that scan, and it says that at 86 kg, I had a body fat percentage of around 15% (if I remember correctly). If that will be similar now, then I will have to adjust my goal weight to around 80 kg, instead of 76, to ensure that I will not become too light.
I also did a VO2 max test for that exercise study, to estimate my endurance level, and it was (almost) off the charts (I like getting tested physically, and I always go all the way). While that was nice to hear, it made the exercise study that much harder, because I had to cycle every week at the study for an hour at varying percentages of that max (60-70%), and because mine was so high, and because I was exercising less after that, it became really tough. Which was not that bad, as I mentioned, I like getting challenged physically.

Anyways, it is good knowing that I will soon hit my lowest weight in 2.5 years. I expect to be able to reach this weight by the first weekend of March.
 
Thanks Sunflower and Emilyrose! :)

I am glad that I have made it this far. There is still a bit to go though. First, about 2 months of weight loss. Then, a few months of strength training to gain 5-10 kg of muscle mass. And finally, a lifetime of maintaining all of that.

But while it's nice to know where I want to go, the focus should be on today. Will go to work in 30 minutes. Have a small lunch. Dinner with colleagues after work. Hope to squeeze some exercise in somewhere.
 
Thanks Little John, I appreciate that.

Let's be honest; I have been feeling a bit depressed in the last days. The date not working out is still a shock to me. I feel like a loser. I feel like my life is a failure, and that I have so much challenges to overcome. I feel small, and weak. I feel that there is little hope.

I know feelings can change, but it will take time. But I know that there is some truth in my feelings, I know that I have a lot to work on, a lot of damage from my past to repair; especially to my finance, my career, my identity and emotional life.

Of course I know that my life is not as bad as I think of it now (being depressed... it's been a long and challenging day, that changes your outlook on things), I do know that there is truth in the conclusions that I draw now, and in the past week. There is a lot to do. However, it is a lie that I am a loser. I may have acted like a loser. But I am human. And that's ok. And I can learn to do better. I have potential. I should once again be kind and patient to myself, and allow myself the time to grow. It's good to be realistic and see the truth of one's condition, but I should not let it drag me down, I should use that information to build myself up.

Now I should stop thinking. The fact is, my life is getting better. I choose to believe that my life is in my hands, that I have the power to improve it and that it can be a wonderful journey.

The fact of the last weeks is that, while I have been feeling bad, I have worked much harder and have improved many areas of my life. That proves that I am not a loser. If I were, I would not have dared to do this. If I keep chasing my dreams, and not letting my fears get me down, then it will be wonderful indeed.
 
Hey Tri.

You know what I think about people like us who have problems with overeating? You internalise everything. Everything that could possibly go wrong in your life is your fault. Some people take it out on the people around them, others take it inwards and start punishing themselves.

All I can say to you is that the date not working out definitely doesn't make you a loser. There's no such thing. It doesn't exist. And the fact that you are still on track and still doing all the stuff you set out to do every day is amazing, and really shows that you are going to turn your life around.

I can totally relate to that horrible feeling when you think you're on to a good thing and it doesn't work out (I just wrote about it in my own diary). And it is shitty and painful and you do feel a bit stupid and sad. But I think for you to keep fighting the good fight like you have been is amazing, and I want to be able to do that myself someday (soon).
 
I think it's great that you were (are) trying to see the positive in the negative. You are far from being a loser Tri. Of course, you are disappointed that it didn't work out. You are going from strength to strength & learning about yourself along the way. You are also being very supportive to others. I think you're doing very well. It's OK to feel a bit down when something doesn't work out how you wanted it to. You're only human. Sending you a hug if you would like one xo
 
@cate - thanks for your kind words, and for your hug, I appreciate it. reading your post, it makes sense that I am not a loser. Yet I feel like one. Slightly less now, I am coming to my senses again. But I have something to work through. And I will do that. Tomorrow morning, I will go to a coffee bar and I will figure out a good process for healing my wounds. I am not starting at square 1 of this healing process, though: I have already started doing this, by feeling the pain and sadness, and acknowledging it instead of pushing it away.

This process may include a therapist (however, these are expensive, and my health insurance does not cover it, so I am not sure about this one), (mutual) support from friends, mindfulness, meditation, finding my dreams, journaling, and whatever comes to mind.

@Emily - thanks, you describe exactly what I am doing; internalizing everything, calling it all our own fault. I know why I do this; it's mostly because of my religious upbringing. I remember being very young, when I understood the concept of hell, and getting nightmares about it all the time, being afraid a lot. This shaped me into who I am now, even after leaving my faith about 3 years ago. I deal differently with fear and guilt now, I mean I still feel these things so strong in me, but I don't try to listen to them. I dream of being free from them. But until that point, I will not let it ruin my life. I will let these wounds heal, and have fun in life, be a loving person, someone who lives here in the present and is not afraid anymore. I am already more free than I ever expected to become.
 
I think it's really interesting how much your religion has had an impact on you. I am from a super religious family as well, yet I never had these worries really. I think it's had such a minimal impact on my mindset, which is quite interesting. I remember being 10 or 11, and we gave a ride home to a girl from school, her dad was a friend of my dad and she told us in the car that she didn't believe in God. That was the first time I ever thought about the fact that he may not exist. It was shocking. And by the time I was 17, I decided that mass wasn't for me. What religion were you? I was Catholic. Interesting (for me) that I still claimed to be on my census form this year.
 
I have grown up in the Plymouth Brethren, a conservative, nonconformist evangelical christian movement. I think I struggled so much with religion, because I heard about hell and sin at a very young age, and I understood the gravity of it; that I should do everything I can to prevent eternal damnation of myself, and that my friends and family members who did not believe in god, or who did not believe in the right way would be punished in hell (this was also stressed a lot at church, that there were many who claimed to follow jesus but who would be damned after all). I think not all christian movements may not expose children to these ideas that young.

When I was 17-18, I was close to leaving christianity, but didn't because I was still afraid. We left our original church when I was 12, and the church we went to after that wasn't inspiring at all (if I would have been raised there from the start, I don't think that I would have believed at all). But, then I went to university, and the indoctrination from my childhood kicked in again and I went to check out a christian student group, and everything started again.

Fortunately, I managed to think through my religion systematically and discover that there was no evidence for it at all, that it did not make any sense and that I didn't have to be afraid hell, because it did not exist. So I left, and I am glad that I did. It was only from that point that I was able to improve my life again, which was a mess (because I gave my religion priority over everything).

So, I am very glad to hear that you managed to get out at 17, and perhaps you've never been that indoctrinated in the first place. Don't worry about filling in at the form that you are catholic. I think that catholicism is also a cultural thing. Here in the Netherlands, almost everyone in the south claims to be catholic, while in reality hardly everyone goes to mass. It's just an identity that binds them together.
 
Sorry you're not feeling great, Tri. Sometimes things don't work out - and sometimes there doesn't need to be a massive, in depth examination of why that was. Sometimes it's just bad luck and a bit shit. Don't overthink things too much, bud. You'll be fine xx
 
Thanks Sunflower. I agree with you that I tend to overthink every now and then. But I think in the last weeks that I am on to something, and I know this because I feel a lot more, including things from my past, which I pushed away. Sometimes you just need to relive something. Writing them down is a good way to do that.

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My weight: 89.5 kg.

Today is day one of not drinking alcohol. I will continue for at least the rest of this year. Will drink coffee, tea and juice instead.

Will relax today. No need to do anything. I have a short list of chores that I may do. What I will definitely do is reflecting/researching ways to develop a stronger self-esteem and identity, and taking the first steps in that direction (with a good cup of coffee, at a coffee bar). I see how much my body can improve by making small daily changes/investments (eating right, exercising), as well as changing some beliefs (choosing to accept myself), why can't I do the same for my mental/emotional life?
Another thing I will do for sure is exercising, this afternoon. Rowing, running and cycling, around 2 hours in total (had a few resting days). Looking forward to that!
 
Hey Tri, so I read your journal. I think your approach is very inspiring. So many people don't realize that in order to be successful losing weight long term, there have to be changes on both the inside and the outside. If you manage to lose weight, but still continue the cycle of low self esteem and negative self talk the likelihood that you'll gain that weight back in pretty high. I appreciate all the changes you're trying to make in your eating and exercise habits, but also just your general lifestyle and how you think about yourself.
 
Thanks for your interest and your kind post Cory! Yeah, I am believing more and more that happiness does not come from reaching our goals, including weight loss. It mostly comes from our inner lives. That realization started sinking in last year, and last december I decided to like/love/respect/accept myself, instead of telling myself that I could only like/love/respect/accept myself when I lost weight. That really kickstarted my weight loss journey. At this point, I already knew about everything I needed to know about exercise and nurition, and how to create habits, which was helpful as well.

Now, after seeing all this growth (or, rather, shrinkage ;)) I am discovering that my self-confidence, while it has grown, is still (too) limited. In addition, a few things from my past have come back to haunt me (which were not processed yet). While this discovery makes me feel troubled and sad, what is growing stronger now is the hope that I can start growing from here.

Update:
Today I would look for information on how to continue this process of inner growth. I have decided to join a mindfulness group (weekly), read a book about that topic (Waking Up by Sam Harris. Not a very thick book), start journaling (Every day, but some days just one sentence) and do meditation by myself (at least 5 minutes per day). So, that's four new activities, but as you can see, I start them all very small. I see this as a sort of pilgrimage, a journey inside. Something that I do step by step.

I would also go exercising today, and I did. I enjoyed it. 12.5 km bike ride. A girl approached me, I talked with her before. She flirted with me, it was fun. Then I went for an 8 km run. I also walked about 3 kilometers.

Now I am going to take a shower, and cook.

This evening I will organize my room, so it is tidy, pay some bills, and do a bit of online learning. I took a little break from Android Programming, but I am back at it again.

Final thing; I looked in the mirror, and I must say that I am really starting to like what I see. I mean, my body and face become more and more toned, I look more and more like me. I am less of a "blob", if you know what I mean! ;)
 
@Emilyrose - Yeah, it was a fine day!

@cate - Haha, it surely it, but these observations are surprises me a bit :p

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Woke up around 6:30 AM (without setting an alarm). I am done sleeping, so I will start this day early.

First, let's weigh myself....

88.8 kg. Still having at least 1.5 kg of excess non-tissue weight (due to water retention and other processes), my "real" weight is closer to 87 kg. That's ok, these fluctuations are just a part of doing (semi)daily weigh-ins.

Let's plan my day now...

Morning/afternoon plan:
Now-8.30: Tea and book reading
8.30-8.45: Organize home
9-10.15: Exercise at the gym
10.30-12.00: Google Hangouts with friends
12.00-?: Visit parents

Evening todo list:
- do a short run (6k)
- plan week
- meditation
- journaling

A short reflection...

I don't think that I made any significant progress this week in terms of weight loss. I think this is a good thing, having lost 10.5 kg since Christmas, which is slighty more than I would recommend to anyone else (which is max 1 kg per week). So, that said, my break is over now (well, actually since yesterday) and I aim for hitting 87.0 or less next weekend. It's weird to think about it, but by the end of March I may hit my lowest weight in a decade! And then in April I will go beyond that, towards my weight when I was 18-19. In May I expect to finish, and start eating a bit more and doing more strength training, and in June I will continue that. Haha it sounds like I may be "beach body ready" in time for the summer! :p

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