Lena's journey to Skinnyland :)

What a cute gift! Yay for friends who get us. Also for therapists who do, and for you feeling like you might be getting things under control. Publice debate would have me freaking out so badly, but then again I never ever would have been in a debating club, ever, because being at the center of attention :eek: Good luck!
 
Thanks Katy!!

The debate went pretty well, there was actually nothing to freak out about, because I am used to participating in public debates and I really enjoy debating. I'm really glad I got to be reminded of that, although I freaked out because it has been so long since the last time I debated and insecurities were taking over me. :) The debate was enjoyable, it reminded me of the time debate I basically lived for debating and the only important thing in my life was to prepare for debate tournaments! :)

I don't know if you have noticed that I am talking less about my weight loss process and more about life in general. To be honest, I've been kind of avoiding to write about it, I've been lying to both myself and all of you. Haven't done almost any exercise in the last few days and I haven't paid much attention to what I've been eating either. I have probably gained back the weight I had lost.

What I have been doing lately (apart from the debating part) is basically nothing - I spend nights watching movies, listening to music and reading and then I sleep through half of the day and tell myself that I'll go to the gym later, then I find an excuse not to go and then I tell myself that I'll wake up earlier tomorrow and that, of course, does not happen... It's been like that for days. I hate that I am so lazy and I hate that I can't show any consistency in any segment of my life, not just the weight loss part.

My best friend and I had a talk and it has really affected me. To cut a long story short, she basically told me that I can't do this on my own. I mentioned in one of my first posts here that I had previously lost around 20kg, and back then we would go to the gym together, and yes, she would push me, and I do appreciate the support, but I didn't like her taking credit for something I had done. I mean, yes, it's nice to have someone who cares for you enough to go to the gym with you every day and pushes you to do your best, but she did not do the exercise and diet instead of me. She makes it sound as if I was incapable of doing it without her, which hurt, because I never have that attitude with things I have helped her with.
But then when I calmed down and started thinking more clearly, I remembered all the times she said that there are things she wouldn't be able to get through without me.

I've been on and off with this weight loss thing for a while and I can't really blame anyone for thinking that I can't do it without someone pushing me, because I haven't done it so far. It's just that when I hear it I honestly want to punch the person that said it right in the face. (figuratively speaking, of course).

Usually, I would maintain a negative perspective, build walls and self-defense mechanisms and think that the people around me just aren't supportive and that they don't get me, but lately I am just getting sick of whining all the time, I act like a spoiled little brat sometimes, when the harsh reality is that I am the only one to blame for putting myself in this position. When I do open up, and tell people exactly how I feel instead of plotting theories in my head, I realize what people actually think and how they feel about me is never as bad as I imagine it.

I just hope that I will learn to keep this attitude for a little longer than a week or two :D

I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, which will make me get out of bed earlier and I will get back to you with weight updates.

This is my new weight loss program:

Diet: low carb, high protein (I already talked about this), drinking at least 2 l of water on a daily basis, replacing coffee with tea (not completely, but I do have to cut down my coffee intake)

Exercise: going to the gym 6 out of 7 days, for at least 40 minutes and doing home exercise 2 to 3 times per week (youtube videos - yoga, dancing and stuff like that, this is just for fun, to keep myself busy)

I would like to introduce monthly or even weekly weight goals, but I will talk about that more after weighing myself. But the number I have in mind right now for my monthly goal is 120 kg.

I have to mention that I have found a lot of positive examples and motivation here on the forum, been reading people's diaries and I want mine to look like that one day too.

Ok, so that's it for now, I'll come back with updates tomorrow. Bye <3
 
LaMaria said:
What a cute gift! Yay for friends who get us. Also for therapists who do, and for you feeling like you might be getting things under control. Publice debate would have me freaking out so badly, but then again I never ever would have been in a debating club, ever, because being at the center of attention :eek: Good luck!
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Just saw this! There are more people debating so it's not like you are the only one in the spotlight, also, you get so caught up in the debate that you actually forget people are watching and listening :D
 
transformer said:
also, you get so caught up in the debate that you actually forget people are watching and listening
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Oh, I can't imagine that ever happening. I am petrified of speaking in front of a large group of people. The thought makes me feel queasy!
I'm glad you are having insights that will help you deal with life. My diary has enabled me to feel much better about myself & also to be more aware of my weaknesses, without beating myself. It has been & still is a journey of self- awareness. Even if at times you feel like you are talking to yourself(not so much lately as the forum is very active at the moment) it is still worth typing in your diary every day. It is very therapeutic & insightful when you look back. Have a nice day hon xo Cate
 
cate said:
Oh, I can't imagine that ever happening. I am petrified of speaking in front of a large group of people. The thought makes me feel queasy!
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For me it's actually harder to start one-on-one conversations than to speak in front of large groups of people. That's how weird I am :D

Thanks for the support Cate. I've always wanted to write a diary, but up until now couldn't find the time to do it (more of an excuse than a real reason). Hugs'n'kisses :)
 
Im glad the debate went well and glad you're having an honest think about your plan. Youll be supported here on your not so good days we all have them. I ate junk food for dinner, but its good to admit it, move on and do better tomorrow
 
Totally agree! Don't beat yourself up, it's only one meal. From my perspective, it's better to eat junk food every once in a while than to eat it on a daily basis. You have made a commitment to be healthier and one meal won't do much harm, right?

The best thing about admitting it is that it feels so liberating! At least for me it does. It is so much easier to just move on once I can say it out loud! Yes, I made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world! It's important to just keep going. I've been identifying myself with all of the mistakes I made, which made me feel like I'm such a failure, when, in fact, a lot of people go through the same stuff and just don't beat themselves up so much!

And I really, really appreciate the support. Building good relationships with people is truly the most important thing in life. Feel like I'm getting myself back and all it took was to rekindle my love for people :) Been acting like I don't need people in my life and finding flaws everywhere, just because I thought that was the way to protect myself, but instead it just made me unhappy.

I went to the uni today - walked instead of taking the bus, it was a sunny day and I really enjoyed it and got some exercise too. Arrived home an hour ago, going to hit the gym later, I think the exercising machines miss me :D

Also, just want to explain something - I changed my avatar, the lil' elephant is back. To be completely honest, I feel better hiding behind a photo of a cute animal. :) With my picture, I felt so naked and was constantly worrying about someone I know stumbling upon this diary and reading everything. Still not ready for that. But at least you all got to see me, you can connect all of what I write with an actual person :) I've been also thinking of posting whole body pictures, just so that I can measure my progress through photos too.

Well, that's it for now.

LL (Love, Lena :D)
 
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Good to hear the positive vibes. I could use a bit of that myself lately. I'm a little too hard on myself when I've had a rough few days, whether it's social or diet related and need to bring myself back around to positivity.

I understand not wanting your picture out there for privacy concerns. I believe you are quite attractive so if it isn't a body issue, I think we can all respect you not wanting to put yourself out there.

I don't personally put anything on here I wouldn't be fine with anybody seeing, but I'm also an open book in general. That's my personality type. My personal opinion is that seeing a face can make it feel more like you're speaking to a person and not just a random Google image, but again, I respect your decision to use an avatar instead :p
 
Elephants rule, even if they don't look as good as your pic. I only ever have pictures up for short periods of time for exactly the same reason. Glad you're on your way to finding your happy again!
 
Mowens:

I know this is my weight loss diary, but please, please, feel free to write about everything in detail and if you don't feel like writing here, feel free to PM me. I've been feeling the exact same way, and saying exactly what bugs me, without sugarcoating it, helps me get it out of my system. Negative thoughts become toxic if we try to ignore them, but it's like you release the negativity once you speak up about it. Also, a technique that's helped me bring myself back around to positivity is just imagine what would I say to a friend that's going through the same thing, I would definitely encourage him/her to adopt a more positive perspective and give arguments in favor of that. Hope this is helpful.

Thank you for finding me attractive, I don't get to hear that very often lately :D Anyway, the picture showed only my face, which I'm comfortable with, but I'm very very open with all of the things that are going through my head and I don't usually share it with everyone, that's why I don't feel comfortable having my pic here.

LaMa:

I like how you said ''on your way to finding your happy'' , i will not beat myself up when i'm not happy, because i'm on my way there :D should write it down somewhere, get it tattooed or something, so that i don't forget it! :D

EDIT: You guys are the first to know that... drum-roll... I'VE APPLIED FOR A WORK&TRAVEL USA program. I'm not from the US in case some of you thought so, I'm actually from Southeast Europe. I might be spending this summer somewhere in the US. I've talked about this with my friends&family, but you are the first to know that I'm going to an interview this Monday probably. Feeling soooooooo excited!
 
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That's so exciting, good luck with your interview! The internet is generally pretty US-centric, but this forum has folks from lots of corners of the world. Which is always a good thing ("alloys are stronger" and all that).
 
LaMaria said:
That's so exciting, good luck with your interview! The internet is generally pretty US-centric, but this forum has folks from lots of corners of the world. Which is always a good thing ("alloys are stronger" and all that).
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Yup, and the way I speak/write also resembles US citizens, or so I've been told. It's from all the movies, tv & music influence, but I've been actually taught British English in school. And I have an anecdote to tell about the word rubber. Very interesting, indeed :D

Anway, I'm going home for the weekend to spend some time with the fam, so I'll probably won't be around :) Can't wait to get back and share details about the interview :D
 
Had you not told me, I would have automatically assumed you were from the US the way you type. But I say the same about LaMa even though I just saw she said she's not a native speaker either.

It makes me kind of sad to think how little French/Spanish I can speak while there are millions of other people that can fluently speak multiple languages.

Enjoy your weekend, Lena!
 
transformer said:
Building good relationships with people is truly the most important thing in life. Feel like I'm getting myself back and all it took was to rekindle my love for people :) Been acting like I don't need people in my life and finding flaws everywhere, just because I thought that was the way to protect myself, but instead it just made me unhappy.
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I did the same for many years. I was afraid that people would not like me if they really got to know me well.
transformer said:
Negative thoughts become toxic if we try to ignore them, but it's like you release the negativity once you speak up about it. Also, a technique that's helped me bring myself back around to positivity is just imagine what would I say to a friend that's going through the same thing, I would definitely encourage him/her to adopt a more positive perspective and give arguments in favor of that.
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I agree wholeheartedly! We should also treat ourselves as we would like our loved ones to be treated.
Looking forward to hearing about the interview Lena.
 
USA Work and travel update: I was told that there's a chance that I wouldn't get a visa for the USA because I took a break from uni for a year and they told me ''people from the embassy rarely approve visas for people like you''.
To be honest, the interview wasn't what I expected it to be, and I felt like they already have so many people applying for the program and that it is not a necessity for them to do their best to promote the program to everyone equally. Usually this would make me quit, but not this time, I'll bring the documents they asked for and see if there's anything I can do and I'm also looking for other agencies that provide the same services. The agency I went to is the best known, but not the only one!

I didn't write much because I was really busy and was barely at home. Just a thought I need to write down and elaborate on later - whenever I have stuff to do I find it really hard to keep up with my weight loss process, I can't stay focused and committed unless it's the only thing on my to-do list. How do you handle everything -- life, eating properly, exercising, working, studying etc. ?

Also, I want to get a small tattoo, something that will remind me to believe in myself. I'd like it to be a rather small tat, so if anyone has any symbol in mind or something that represents believing in yourself, please share!

will be back soon and write even more :) Kisses and hugs to everyone!!!
 
transformer said:
people like you
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Really? WOW.
Lena, personally I think the eating properly should have first priority, regardless of everything else you have to do. Exercise you can squeeze into everyday things, like taking the stairs, instead of the lift, for even just a couple of floors, parking a bit further away, that sort of thing. Everything feels better when you are eating well & moving a bit more. Weight loss will come.
All the best with your job hunting. I'm sure there are people out there looking for someone just like you! Cheers, Cate.
 
Yup, ''people like me''. Didn't know taking a break from uni for a year classifies as a federal crime in the USA :D
Anyway, I get why it could be an issue, I'm applying for a 5 month working holiday visa - you get 4 months work permit & a spare month you can use to travel, after which I have to get back to my country. Being a regular student ensures that I'm coming back home, in a way. What actually pissed me of was the attitude the lady at the agency had - Oh, no, no, no, you can't go!
 
The real problem here is that no matter what happens in situations like this one I always feel I'm being discriminated because I'm fat.

Logically, there's no connection between not getting a visa because you're not a regular student and being fat, but in my mind I always manage to find a link, then start to believe I'd be treated better if I was skinny. In reality you can never be sure and I never know whether that's the case or not and that is frustrating - on one side I want to stand up for myself and on the other I don't know if there's an actual reason to do it (maybe the girl at the agency tells that to all of the non-regular students).

Does this happen to anyone else, and it doesn't have to be just because of being fat, overweight?
 
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