Lena's journey to Skinnyland :)

Welcome Lena! We all have demons. We all have those voices telling us to EAT IT!! LaMaria is right- dealing with the demons is the most important part. If you can deal with them then it makes it much easier to stay on track. I tried a cheat day- it didn't work for me. I narrowed it down to a cheat meal and even in the meal I just ate just one thing I knew I shouldn't have. For instance chocolate cake is my nemesis. So on my cheat meal I ate one small piece. It allowed me the pleasure of having it without the guilt. Breaking the cycle of eating bad stuff to make us feel better then that makes us feel worse so we eat more bad stuff- this is very important. You can do this!!
 
Hey everyone!

I haven't been active these past few days here on the forums.

In the light of these new changes I am trying to make, I went to seek help from a therapist. I was diagnosed with depression.
To be honest, this news did not at all surprise me, but it has hit me harder than I expected. You know, I did know I had depressive episodes, but I didn't expect to be actually diagnosed with depression. Now I am officially labeled (that's how it feels) as a depressed person. What a great trait to add to one's personality, right?

At least I've got my answer - now I know the answer to the question I ask myself all of the time. Why is it so hard for me to feel motivated sometimes, why do I have such a negative perspective on life sometimes (I used to be the biggest optimist, seeing the bright side in everything) why did I stop enjoying the little things and why do I strip value off of everything I do, or other people do. What's really hard when you are battling depression is the fact that you don't even take it seriously - you can't skip work because you have depression, you can't 'fix it with a surgery', it's a disease of your feelings basically and since you do get to have some nice days, you create the illusion that you can and you will somehow just snap out of it.

Now I would like to apologize for talking about this since it's completely off topic. But I do feel like this is also part of my weight loss process.

Updates: The day I was diagnosed with depression I went to the gym and had the best workout ever! It was also the first time I brought my mp4 player, it was easier to exercise with music. I ran for 30 minutes, then spent 20 minutes on the elliptical, did 50 crunches(personal record),was covered in sweat, and the best part was I got to punch the hell out of a punching bag. Haven't been overeating, but I am losing motivation, not giving up, but not as motivated as when I started.

A friend of mine gave me this diet her doctor prescribed her, and it's basically low carb, high protein, almost no sugar and no salt (I wanna cry hahah not really, but you get the point, eating bland food is not really my thing) - eating eggs for breakfast, meat and fish and veggies for lunch, all without oil, just a little bit of butter, and if I remember correctly salads for dinner. What do you think about it?

Also, welcome to my new companions. You are all more than welcome to join me on this crazy ride, it will be more fun with lots of great people with me!

Love, Lena
 
Hi Lena:hurray: Nice to hear from you again. Nothing is off-topic in your own journal, least of all depression. I'm sorry you are depressed but I'm glad you got diagnosed so you can (hopefully) get the help you need. Depression is not a personality trait any more than rheumatic arthritis is, by the way! But I guess you know that. Keep at it, girl, there are more folks on this forum with (mental) health issues and you can still kick ass.
 
Yeah, we ramble about all sorts of stuff on our own diaries. Nothing is off limits if it helps you (well, we try to keep it PG-13, but you know what I mean).

Depression and anxiety are super common this day and age, so you'll get plenty of support and empathy from people here. If you need to vent about anything non-exercise related, go for it! I'm sure we've all been down a lot of the same roads and can offer our support.
 
Hi Lena, I also suffer from depression, but I do not see myself as being labeled as such. It's a chemical imbalance in my body. I live with it. It comes & goes & I recognize it & have learned coping strategies. Eating healthy & exercising are very important to me to help me cope & also knowing that it does go away. This is your space hon. Don't be afraid to share what you feel like. Re: the suggested diet- I don't think the good needs to be bland. Balsamic vinegar is great for adding flavor, spices are good. Beware any fad diets. Experiment. You can't go too wrong with fresh food. Cheers, Cate
 
Your diary is your space to talk about anything on your mind and Im sure a lot of people here can relate, most of us will experience some mental illness in our lives .
If you google you are not depressed stop it video
Thats how i like to think of depression and other crap life throws at us-they are a part of your life but they shouldnt define who you are.

Glad to hear you had an awesome gym sess, keep taking care of yourself
 
I miss the old me. The one I don't know how to get back. The one that could easily start conversations with people, that had a sense of humor and didn't try to find a downfall in EVERYTHING. I don't believe in myself anymore and I lost my confidence, and I do not know how to get those things back.
This is why I identify myself with depression. For example, we could say that both depression and obesity are health conditions. I don't think being fat defines me. Obesity hasn't stopped me from going out, having fun, making friends, nor from being confident or believing in myself. Depression has. It's like I set myself up for failure before even beginning something, as if I was my worst enemy and I intentionally work against myself.
Back when I was in high school, I didn't have a date for prom, and this is how I was thinking back then - You didn't make the slightest effort to find a date so you shouldn't feel that bad about it, don't let this ruin prom for you. Also, you got a valuable lesson as a highlight of your high school life - you should always rely on yourself firstly, because there will be times in life you will have only yourself to rely on. And I remember that after prom, we went out, and this really really cute guy told me how cute I was and that my dress was nice. I got a hug too. I miss this person! I feel like I'm missing out on stuff because I can't think like the old me again. You see, now I would probably just stay at home and skip prom. And skip hearing a cute guy telling me I was cute. This is a silly example, but I guess you get the point. I'm only 21, almost 22, I want to feel young again.

That being said, I don't think that deep down I am a person with no self-confidence, with no belief in herself, that sees only black - the true me is the complete opposite of that, actually! But depression has made me see myself that way. I hope this explains why I described depression as a trait of personality and a label.

Thanks Maria, I sure intend to kick some ass! :D Mowens, thanks for understanding and your PG-13 comment really made me laugh. You also encouraged me to put my picture as avatar. :) Cate, thanks for sharing that you have depression to, I hope I'll also manage to accept it and cope with it and also thanks for the encouragement to be a little more creative with ''the diet food'' :)
Katy, thanks for recommending the video, I saw it and this is actually why I was so surprised I was diagnosed with depression - I did see depression as clouds only, I didn't take it seriously and was surprised with the fact that I need treatment :D
 
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Welcome Lena. Love your new avatar and really enjoyed reading your diary, exactly what the diary should be about.

Joining the site was a great move because you have surrounded yourself with people who are on the same journey. We can all relate to the problems that you are writing about. You have also found a whole bunch of people who will listen which is something very rare amongst your social friends, you have found people to talk to. Also many of the members are very knowledgeable and worth listening to.

All the major advice has been covered. I will just add what I do; instead of just having one target, write down all the little milestones and tick them off as you pass them. These can be anything you like, mine are; a waist inch, a belt notch, a new kilogram number, 5Lb, half a stone, a new BMI number and so on. These milestones give me something to smile about while standing on the scale and drive me towards the next milestone.

Great start, keep it up.

Dave
 
I have to say that I do have people to talk to - I say this because people often think that people that surround us in ''real life'' wouldn't even care, I thought that too, until I realized - they can't help me if I don't open up and talk openly about my problems. Sure, there might be people that don't even begin to understand what you are going through, but from my experience, the lack of understanding usually comes from not being able to relate. I always roll my eyes when a friend of mine complains about how fat she is (she is not fat AT ALL). After a while I realized that even though she's not as fat as I am, she still feels insecure, and when I make comments about her not being fat and add an eye-roll to it I am not being very helpful. See, because from my perspective she was perfectly thin I couldn't understand why she felt that way.

However, I do have to admit that it feels nice to be surrounded with people that do understand and are going through the same stuff and can give me advice.

Thanks Dave and Maria for the compliments :)

I was thinking about how I should always write down the thoughts that go through my head when I'm feeling good, because I usually come up with ideas of what I'd enjoy doing. Sometimes I have this vision of me, which I forget about whenever I feel down and depressed. So, here are some of the activities:

1315336372_star-wheels-alessandra-lg.jpg

*Used to love rollerblading, now I don't even own a pair of roller blades.

15978099-teenage-girl-dancing-hip-hop-over-the-street-wall.jpg

*Used was part of a dance school back in elementary school and always loved to dance.
Going to find some Youtube tutorials to learn some new moves :D

And finally, something new to try:

yoga-tree.jpg


The photos are courtesy of Mr. Google :)
 
I am so glad you have people around you that care enough to listen. I guess in a mans world it works differently. When I have tried to talk, they usually start yawning, and then change the subject to football :)

When I used to write poetry, I kept a digital Dictaphone around my neck, for capturing those fleeting ideas that will vanish before I find a pen and paper.

Dave
 
Lena- your pic is gorgeous. You are gorgeous! I'm glad you found your way here, hon. I used to love yoga. It is so good for you. Do it if you can. Tai Chi is also really good. I live "in the bush" here in Tasmania & getting to yoga classes is way too hard. You'll find a balance in your life because you are looking for it xo
 
Love your collection of photo-goals (although really hope you don´t aim to become as thin as Allessandra Ambrosio in that picture; her legs look great but her poor upper body...). I think sports/dancing/yoga can be really helpful to engaging with your body in a positive way again. Glad to hear you have support IRL as well.
 
LaMaria, no, no, no, I don't want to be Victoria's angel :D , the focus is on the activities, not the look of these girls :)

Cate, thank you! I wouldn't call myself gorgeous, but thanks! :) And I've been thinking of trying yoga at home, to begin with.. Start with tutorials and the simple things.. Since it would be something I'd do just out of enjoyment and curiosity, and then maybe i'll join a class, but it would be too much for me to go both to yoga classes and the gym. And will definitely check out tai chi, thanks for the suggestion.

Dave, I guess for us women it's just easier to talk about how we feel :) don't want to generalize.. but i often feel like men feel week and girly when they step a foot in the feelings territory.. which i consider to be unhealthy, because they also have emotions (thank you Captain Obvious :D).. i used to be like that, thought that feeling about emotions is showing weakness and being pathetic.. I had a conversation with a male friend and his answer was - you really have a guy's point of view. :D
 
I must have been drunk while writing this last post.. feeling about emotions.. week instead of weak...and overall the post just makes me laugh when i read it.. i didn't sleep last night at all, and whenever that happens i am unable to form a proper sentence - as it shoves above.. :D
btw, why does the edit post option disappear after a while? :D
 
:D This forum used to have some tipsy typers, maybe snoozy typers are the next big thing? I think the edit option stays for only 15 minutes and it has something to do with the War on Spam (not the meat-like pink substance either). Never worry :p
 
waiting for some more snoozy episodes, they make me laugh! hope i'm not the only one that turns a little bit weird when i am sleep deprived :D

Now, for the update! Things are going well, so far. My therapist and I decided not to try any medication yet,my depression does not need any drugs to be involved and I hope it will stay that way. I realized I just needed someone to talk to, someone way smarter than me and someone who has experience with dealing with depression. I talk with my friends & family, but although they give me strength and support, it's some kind of guidance that I need most. Just realizing how this is normal, how this will make me stronger and just getting some practical advice on how to cope with negative thoughts and learning how to direct them into something better instead of letting them get inside of my head.

My two friends and I are celebrating our 8 months living together anniversary (or monthversary? o_O hahaha) and they got me a hoodie. I really really really like it and one of the reasons why I like it is because I told them a few days ago I have nothing cute/warm/sporty to wear on my way home from the gym and they got me exactly what I needed.

another BIIIIIIG announcement is I WILL BE PARTICIPATING IN A PUBLIC DEBATE THIS TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freaking out. I was part of a debate club, but I kinda don't do that anymore, I sometimes get invited as a judge at some debate competitions, but it has been years since the last time I've actually been in a debate myself.. freaking out, freaking out....
 
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